Okay to not invite half the family?

MangoSnapple

I'm getting married in 5 months, and I'm only stressing out about one thing... the guest list.

I really cannot stand HALF of my family. My mom's side is comprised of people I have nothing in common with.

My aunt told me my nose ring detracts from my beauty, that my tattoos are awful and make me a "bad Christian," and accused me of not visiting my grandpa until he was on his death bad. 

I was hospitalized for a month for an eating disorder, and this same aunt didn't so much as lift a finger to call me, let alone come visit me or even send me a card.

The rest of them just have nothing to do with me in general, and I'm not close to any of them. 

I'm paying for the entire wedding myself, and would LOVE to cut them off the list to save money and because I just don't care to see them there.

Leaving them out, however, would rock the family boat to epic proportions and probably honestly cause them to disown me the rest of my life. 

I also have another non-relative I feel obligated to invite, but can't stand the thought of doing it.

He is my sister's best friend's husband, meaning he obviously has NO tie to me whatsoever.

He attacked me one day, out of nowhere, about my struggle with my eating disorder, and basically crossed so many lines it's hard to comprehend. 

I'm not even close to his wife, but my sister is my maid of honor and this girlfriend of hers gave my SISTER everything for the aparment we share, and invited me to her own wedding. 

She has offered her help with decorations, but she herself proved to be a little too opinionated.

I'm only feeling obligated to invite her for my sister's sake, because my sister's feelings get hurt easily, and we've already had enough drama.

So all in all, I would be glad to not invite any of them, but due to the fact that this decision affects more than just me, I have no idea what to do.

Any suggestions? Sorry that was so long winded.

beverly25

Honestly I would say don't invite people you don't want there....but only if that will be LESS stressful than inviting them. I totally understand bc I don't want to invite my dads side of the family to my wedding...and I'm NOT! If you'd like to chat more let me know.

MangoSnapple

I would for sure!

lbow1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-not-invite-half-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddf5a099-b968-4c10-afa7-bde1302c19e3Post:2280c18d-88e6-421f-9c61-50202cb26470">Re: Okay to not invite half the family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly I would say don't invite people you don't want there....but only if that will be LESS stressful than inviting them. I totally understand bc I don't want to invite my dads side of the family to my wedding...and I'm NOT! If you'd like to chat more let me know.
Posted by beverly25[/QUOTE]

I'm not inviting anyone, but one aunt's family from my dad's side b/c I'm not close to any of them and many of them are not good people.  However my dad understands and for me they've had plenty of weddings that I haven't been invited to so they shouldn't have issues, but I can see like you said it could cause you problems.

Like pp said so long as it's less stressful to not invite them I wouldn't.  I say as long as your mom understands I wouldn't worry about it.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-not-invite-half-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddf5a099-b968-4c10-afa7-bde1302c19e3Post:6e935a7f-9574-42f2-a205-08d11623e9eb">Okay to not invite half the family?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm getting married in 5 months, and I'm only stressing out about one thing... the guest list. I really cannot stand HALF of my family. My mom's side is comprised of people I have nothing in common with. My aunt told me my nose ring detracts from my beauty, that my tattoos are awful and make me a "bad Christian," and accused me of not visiting my grandpa until he was on his death bad.  I was hospitalized for a month for an eating disorder, and this same aunt didn't so much as lift a finger to call me, let alone come visit me or even send me a card. The rest of them just have nothing to do with me in general, and I'm not close to any of them.  I'm paying for the entire wedding myself, and would LOVE to cut them off the list to save money and because I just don't care to see them there.<strong> Leaving them out, however, would rock the family boat to epic proportions and probably honestly cause them to disown me the rest of my life.  </strong>I also have another non-relative I feel obligated to invite, but can't stand the thought of doing it. He is my sister's best friend's husband, meaning he obviously has NO tie to me whatsoever. He attacked me one day, out of nowhere, about my struggle with my eating disorder, and basically crossed so many lines it's hard to comprehend.  I'm not even close to his wife, but my sister is my maid of honor and this girlfriend of hers gave my SISTER everything for the aparment we share, and invited me to her own wedding.  She has offered her help with decorations, but she herself proved to be a little too opinionated. I'm only feeling obligated to invite her for my sister's sake, because my sister's feelings get hurt easily, and we've already had enough drama. So all in all, I would be glad to not invite any of them, but due to the fact that this decision affects more than just me, I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions? Sorry that was so long winded.
Posted by MangoSnapple[/QUOTE]
If this part of your family is that terrible, then why do you care if they disown you?  Just wondering, because I'm not going to lie, they sound awful.  And if they don't have that much to do with you anyway, why would they expect an invite to your wedding?

And I'm speaking as someone who cut out much of her extended family partially for budget (I have a huge family) and partially because I am simply not close to them.  My side of the list is limited to immediate family, aunts and uncles (and even a number of them aren't coming apparently), two of my cousins who I'm close to, and my friends.

MangoSnapple

I'm not so worried about them disowning me, as I am about my mother never hearing the end of it, and me never hearing the end of it from my mother. 

My grandmother and one aunt and her husband are the only three i would be okay with having there. 

the other 15 or 20 of them i just don't care about, frankly. 

they all just have an aire of entitlement, and are way too opinionated. they don't give a crap about you 99% of the time, but expect to be invited to your wedding, despite the fact that when they DO care, it's when they don't like something you do. 

i'm trying to figure out how i could get away with only inviting some, like just aunts and uncles and no cousins, hoping they'll get the point and stay away. 

i'm having a hard time being as rude as they are to me, unfortunately.

dragossoul84

You can choose not to invite them but it will be making a statement and you have to be ready to accept the consequences this statement will make. I

SpokenVows

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-not-invite-half-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddf5a099-b968-4c10-afa7-bde1302c19e3Post:d24dc89a-f302-4e71-931f-1741f4098582">Re: Okay to not invite half the family?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not so worried about them disowning me, as I am about my mother never hearing the end of it, and me never hearing the end of it from my mother.  My grandmother and one aunt and her husband are the only three i would be okay with having there.  the other 15 or 20 of them i just don't care about, frankly.  they all just have an aire of entitlement, and are way too opinionated. they don't give a crap about you 99% of the time, but expect to be invited to your wedding, despite the fact that when they DO care, it's when they don't like something you do. <strong> i'm trying to figure out how i could get away with only inviting some, like just aunts and uncles and no cousins</strong>, hoping they'll get the point and stay away.  i'm having a hard time being as rude as they are to me, unfortunately.
Posted by MangoSnapple[/QUOTE]

You can definitely decide not to invite cousins, but still invite aunts and uncles. But you might want to make sure that your FI agrees not to invite his cousins, as well.

If you don't care about them disowning you and you'd really rather not have them at your wedding (I can't blame you!), then go ahead and don't invite them.

I'm having a very, very tiny wedding (about 17-18 guests) and am only inviting one aunt and uncle on my dad's side (he has four siblings). The other ones, I just don't really care for. And then on my mum's side, they're all druggies... But, I also know that in my family, no one will really care. They'll still love me just as much as before and probably won't even comment passed, "congrats!"

mia082683

Elope. Haha.

If I was in this predicament, I'd talk it over with FI and with my mom.  I wouldn't want my mother to have to listen to it.  As it is, my mom has to listen to my dad's family because we didn't allow kids that weren't in the wedding so they're ticked, and I feel badly that my mom has to listen to it.  If it came to that, I would just invite aunts and uncles.. and I would probably be spiteful and wait until close to the wedding to send them invitations so they would possibly already have plans.

shytownkelly

While I am all for not inviting people you don't get along with (I in fact did not include any of my father's side) - I just want to play devil's advocate for a bit.

Consider your age.  I'm guessing (from your photo) early 20's?  Assuming you live a long and lovely life - you've got another 50-60 years of possibly dealing with these relatives.  Cutting them from a wedding they EXPECT to be invited to - probably will be the bridge burner. 

My point being - are ok with possibly not being able to mend the fences with these folks in the future? 

Ask your mom.  She will be the one to guide you on whether or not to just suck it up and invite or not. 

OH and the sister's best friend's husband?  Its nice she was so nice to you - but really the best friend and husband don't have to be invited.  If your sister's feelings are bothered by that - you should remind her that he was not nice to you and therefore her loyalty should be to you first.  Just my thoughts on that one.

Good luck!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_okay-not-invite-half-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ddf5a099-b968-4c10-afa7-bde1302c19e3Post:3be79e5d-87b8-46b5-bec2-597e6166e766">Re: Okay to not invite half the family?</a>:
[QUOTE]While I am all for not inviting people you don't get along with (I in fact did not include any of my father's side) - I just want to play devil's advocate for a bit. Consider your age.  I'm guessing (from your photo) early 20's?  Assuming you live a long and lovely life - you've got another 50-60 years of possibly dealing with these relatives.  Cutting them from a wedding they EXPECT to be invited to - probably will be the bridge burner.  My point being - are ok with possibly not being able to mend the fences with these folks in the future?  Ask your mom.  She will be the one to guide you on whether or not to just suck it up and invite or not.  OH and the sister's best friend's husband?  Its nice she was so nice to you - but really the best friend and husband don't have to be invited.  If your sister's feelings are bothered by that - you should remind her that he was not nice to you and therefore her loyalty should be to you first.  Just my thoughts on that one. Good luck!
Posted by shytownkelly[/QUOTE]

This exactly.  Remember that even though your wedding is one day people, especially family members, will and can hold grudges for years, if not the rest of their lives so you really need to consider the future and what types of relationships you may have with them later on.

unplainjane

this is very difficult. i'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've had with you family. if you are paying for it yourself then you should have big time say into who's coming but like you mentioned if you cut out all these people then you are rocking the boat to epic proporations. really if you don't want to rock the boat then have a super tiny wedding like with just immediate family or very close friends. maybe instead of spending the money on a big reception have a small destination wedding. if you put a rule to it like immediate family only other relatives may understand more. say that you just wanted something very intimate.

MangoSnapple

Those are all great points to consider, thank you all so much. I think at this point I'm going to suck it up and invite them, realizing that it's only one day that I'll have to see them, and then after that I'll be married and can basically choose not to see them again if I don't want to. I also realized that the reception is only a few hours long, and I'll be buzzing around all over the place saying hi to different people, too busy to really notice much of anything. I guess with all of that in mind, I am able to talk myself in to inviting them. I think I can make it through the wedding knowing I don't have to like sit down with them and have an hour long conversation. I can just say hey! Thanks for coming, bye bye. Thank you all.