Bachelorette Party Question

Starqueg

Is it common knowledge among 20-somethings who have never been in wedding parties before that it's up to them to throw the bachelorette party?  My MOH has never been in a wedding before and commented that it doesn't matter if she and my other bridesmaids get along since it's just one day.  I didn't say anything, but am wondering if this means I won't be getting a party.  I don't want some crazy blow-out, but a night out with my friends would be great.  If she doesn't throw one, and no one else throws me one, I don't get one, right?  I mean, this isn't me looking for gifts or anything like that, just a night/day with female friends before the wedding. 

ThankfulSnail

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:0e1aad7f-e057-4baf-924b-5297327d455a">Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it common knowledge among 20-somethings who have never been in wedding parties before that it's up to them to throw the bachelorette party?  My MOH has never been in a wedding before and commented that it doesn't matter if she and my other bridesmaids get along since it's just one day.  I didn't say anything, but am wondering if this means I won't be getting a party.  I don't want some crazy blow-out, but a night out with my friends would be great.  <strong>If she doesn't throw one, and no one else throws me one, I don't get one, right?</strong>  I mean, this isn't me looking for gifts or anything like that, just a night/day with female friends before the wedding. 
Posted by Starqueg[/QUOTE]

<div>Right.</div><div>
</div><div>I get that you want a party, and I don't think you sound gift-grabby for wanting one. Unfortunately, there's no polite way to make sure she knows she's "supposed" to throw you a party, because it's not something she has to do. Showers or bach parties are gifts and not required. If it means that much to you to have a night out with your girls, if no one throws you a bachelorette, ask your girlfriends to get together and get drinks or go bowling or something, and just don't call it a bachelorette.</div>

ECOlson

It is pretty common knowledge yes, but maybe your MOH really is clueless on her duties.  Maybe send her an email with a bunch of links on what she should be doing (every single site I've been to says something about throwing a bachelorette party).  In the email just say something like, "I thought these links might be useful and interesting since you've never been in a wedding before, I hope this helps!"  It honestly sounds like your MOH has a lot to learn about being in a wedding based on her getting along comment.  
You're right about the party, if she and your other bridesmaids don't throw you a party, you don't get one since it's rude to throw your own.  Hopefully they throw you one though, everyone deserves a fun night out with their friends, even if it's low-key!

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:21ef4407-c2f3-444c-a2d8-e1dbe9cd0318">Re: Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>It is pretty common knowledge yes, but maybe your MOH really is clueless on her duties.  Maybe send her an email with a bunch of links on what she should be doing (every single site I've been to says something about throwing a bachelorette party).  In the email just say something like, "I thought these links might be useful and interesting since you've never been in a wedding before, I hope this helps!"  It honestly sounds like your MOH has a lot to learn about being in a wedding based on her getting along comment. </strong>  You're right about the party, if she and your other bridesmaids don't throw you a party, you don't get one since it's rude to throw your own.  Hopefully they throw you one though, everyone deserves a fun night out with their friends, even if it's low-key!
Posted by ECOlson[/QUOTE]

Uh no to all of this. All those links you're mentioning are from websites like TK that are part of the wedding industry who want your money. BMs don't have any duties at all except for showing up to your wedding. Seriously. And please do NOT send anyone links telling them what they "should" be doing.

OP, please disregard this awful advice. You are correct in that if no one offers a b-party you don't get one. Good news is, if you just want a girls' night out, you can still have this! Just call up your girlfriends and tell them you want a night out with them. Don't make it wedding-related, don't make it a b-party, just make it a night out with your closest friends.

bonge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:21ef4407-c2f3-444c-a2d8-e1dbe9cd0318">Re: Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]It is pretty common knowledge yes, but maybe your MOH really is clueless on her duties.  Maybe send her an email with a bunch of links on what she should be doing (every single site I've been to says something about throwing a bachelorette party).  In the email just say something like, "I thought these links might be useful and interesting since you've never been in a wedding before, I hope this helps!"  It honestly sounds like your MOH has a lot to learn about being in a wedding based on her getting along comment.   You're right about the party, if she and your other bridesmaids don't throw you a party, you don't get one since it's rude to throw your own.  Hopefully they throw you one though, everyone deserves a fun night out with their friends, even if it's low-key!
Posted by ECOlson[/QUOTE]

HORRIBLE HORRIBLE advice. I couldn't imagine sending an email to any of my girls telling them what they SHOULD be doing for me, what their DUTIES are. Wtf???

If you are really close with her you can casually ask if she is planning anything (which may put the idea in her head) but that would be the extent i would go too.

bellabananas

Watch the movie "Bridesmaids" together, she'll get the hint.

Lark2013

I am a full believer in BM duties (I say this having been one several times).  Depending on her 20-something, she may really have no clue.  But you can bring it up casually in conversation with her when you are discussing wedding stuff.  Something along the lines of "I was thinking we should do a bachelorette party" would help get the hint out there.  By saying "we" you are prompting her and the other girls to pick up the ball, and even though many will say it's rude to plan your own party, if you are all helping out, it's no big deal.

pgcp

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:20f3b635-6232-4f86-9e61-c27e50b0a472">Re: Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a full believer in BM duties
Posted by Lark2013[/QUOTE]
Saying that is like saying you are a believer in unicorns or leprechauns.  You can believe all you want, but it doesn't make them real.

BM, MOH, don't have duties.  They may <u>choose</u> to throw parties, help tie ribbons on bird seed packets, address invitations, go dress shopping, whatever, but these aren't duties.  They are things friends <u>might</u> do because they are friends.  However, not doing these things doesn't make someone a bad friend.

goobersinlove

OP, your initial assumption that if you MOH/BM's don't throw you a bachelorette then you don't get one. Follow your gut there.

The last thing you want to do is piss off your wedding party by becoming an entitled 'zilla as ECOIson's would have you do. Please, please, please consider your FRIENDSHIPS with your bridal party and don't consider them to have "jobs." Be mindful that throwing a bachelorette/shower/etc. is often a large expense and maybe they cannot afford that sort of thing. Do not take her advice and rudely email her duties.

If you want a night out with your girls, you are completely free to plan just a plain ol' girls night out anyway! It just won't be a bachelorette or party in your honor. Does that make sense? But if you want to go out, organize a night out!

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:21ef4407-c2f3-444c-a2d8-e1dbe9cd0318">Re: Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]It is pretty common knowledge yes, but maybe your MOH really is clueless on her duties. <strong> Maybe send her an email with a bunch of links on what she should be doing (every single site I've been to says something about throwing a bachelorette party).  In the email just say something like, "I thought these links might be useful and interesting since you've never been in a wedding before, I hope this helps!"  </strong>It honestly sounds like your MOH has a lot to learn about being in a wedding based on her getting along comment.   You're right about the party, if she and your other bridesmaids don't throw you a party, you don't get one since it's rude to throw your own.  Hopefully they throw you one though, everyone deserves a fun night out with their friends, even if it's low-key!
Posted by ECOlson[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Holy crap that's bad advice.  Please don't do that OP.</div>

chrryblndchick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:df00d41c-869b-4647-942c-80141bc0b430Post:21ef4407-c2f3-444c-a2d8-e1dbe9cd0318">Re: Bachelorette Party Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>It is pretty common knowledge yes, but maybe your MOH really is clueless on her duties.</strong>  Maybe send her an email with a bunch of links on what she should be doing (every single site I've been to says something about throwing a bachelorette party).  In the email just say something like, "I thought these links might be useful and interesting since you've never been in a wedding before, I hope this helps!"  It honestly sounds like your MOH has a lot to learn about being in a wedding based on her getting along comment.   You're right about the party, if she and your other bridesmaids don't throw you a party, you don't get one since it's rude to throw your own.  Hopefully they throw you one though, everyone deserves a fun night out with their friends, even if it's low-key!
Posted by ECOlson[/QUOTE]

This is NOT common knowledge. My BBF was the first to get married in my group of friends and I (along with the rest of the BMs) had no idea that if Bach party was going to happen it was up to us to plan it. It was only after talking with my mom, my stepmom, and her mom that I learned it was up to us to plan something for her if we could.

OP, please disregard everything this poster has said and do what a PP suggested. Have a girl's night out with them and just don't call it a Bach party.

Also, as your wedding gets closer one of them may ask you what you're doing for a Bach party and then you could mention (very nicely, not an accusation) that planning a party for yourself is against etiquette so you just assumed you weren't having one, no big deal (although that might be against etiquette too, I'm not sure?). That might lead them to planning one for you.

rebarobert2012

No one is obligated to throw you a bachelorette party.  I wouldn't say that it's "common knowledge" among 20-somethings that it is their duty to do so.  If someone wants to throw you a bachelorette party, they will offer, and you can certainly make your preferences known at that time.  However, you should not host your own bachelorette or actually come right out and ask someone to host one for you.  You are correct that if no one offers, you don't get one.

Starqueg

Thanks ladies.  I had no plans to email her with a list of her responsibilities.  Even if that was proper etiquette, it's just not me.  The only reason I'm thinking about this so early is that part of my fiance's bachelor party will be this summer (baseball game), and the best man has been bouncing ideas off of me to make sure it's stuff my fiance will really love.  I'm not a party kind of girl, so what's probably going to happen is that if no one else plans a party for me, I'll organize a dinner out.  Maybe we'll do something super girly like get mani-pedis and facials or something before dinner.  Girls day/night out. 
If anyone asks, I'll just say that it's not up to me to plan one, and as far as I know no one is planning one.  No big deal.