Wedding Etiquette Forum

parents remarrying

My FI's father is getting remarried next summer, and he asked FI and FI's brother to stand up with him as groomsmen.  Without going into too many of the gory details, his parents divorced about 8 years ago, somewhat messy, FI resents FFIL for many things stemming from the divorce and his childhood- needless to say, we're not very close to FFIL. 

FI is uncomfortable being in his father's wedding, especially since we are very close to his mother, but said yes because it is his father.  I'm supporting him and trying my best to understand how he feels as he gets used to the idea of his dad remarrying.

Just curious if anyone else has gone through a similar situation with parents remarrying.  Any insight you can offer?

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Re: parents remarrying

  • Luckily my father and his second wife did a private courthouse wedding, which saved my 12-year-old self from having to not-so-graciously decline the invitation.

    I'm not sure what to say, exactly though. If you FI said yes it'd be pretty sketch to go back on that now IMO. At the end of the day it's probably best for the relationship with his dad, so it's worth doing.

    That said, does his mom know yet? Are you concerned about ehr reaction?
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  • ohwhynotohwhynot member
    2500 Comments
    edited August 2010
    If your fi can't in good conscience support the marriage, then I suppose he should decline the honor of standing up, just as he would if it were a friend instead of his father. 

    However, your fi's good relationship with his mother shouldn't mean that he can't have a good relationship with his father, either.  As an adult, he should realize that he really doesn't know the reality of his parents' marriage and divorce.  His perceptions as a kid and his mother's point of view are not necessarily the whole picture.  It's been 8 years, and his father is entitled to be happy in another marriage.  If his mom remarries or finds another relationship, he'd be happy for her, right? 

    It seems as if your ffil is trying to reach out to his son.  Maybe your fi can see this as a good gesture with some hope for their future relationship. 
  • My dad got remarried this past winter and I was happy about it.  My sisters stood up for him. 

    My mom got remarried about 6 years ago and I was NOT happy about it.  My stepdad is a total jerk and just got caught cheating on facebook. 

    8 years seems like a long time to get over it and for FMIL to be able to accept the fact that FFIL has moved on. 
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  • It's not that FI is upset that FFIL is getting remarried, or that he's not happy for him, it's just that he's uncomfortable being in the wedding.  But he's going to do it, I think because he feels obligated.  He would never back out after saying yes.

    His mother knows and is fine with it- she says she's happy for them if they're happy with each other.  Everything is very amicable, but there is still resentment for the 30 years of bullshit that he put her through, and the 20 years of bullshit he put FI through.

    And I think that FI is fine with the relationship they have now- we see them once or twice a year (they're in FL) they talk a few times a month, but FI knows better now than to let FFIL get too close.  He's very judgemental, and it's taken FI a long time to not need to seek dad's approval or take his criticisms to heart. 

    I guess I'm just wondering how others have reacted to their divorced parents remarrying.  No one in my family has gotten divorced, so I'm outside looking in and trying to see where FI is coming from.

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  • My mom remarried about 4 months after my parents' divorce was final and about 11 months after my parents first separated. It was a tumultuous year, let me tell you. I was 23/24 at the time and living across the country, but my poor brother was a college student and living at home for part of that time.

    One would think I would be totally resentful of the situation. But I tried to distance myself from my parental drama. They're adults, they can make their own decisions. My father never talks about my mother and for a while my mother used to lament the fact that he stopped talking to her to me, which was the roughest part to deal with. Yes, my parents and I now respect each other as adults, but that doesn't mean I want to deal with your divorce drama.

    Anyway, I've come to realize my mom is much happier and better off. And I really like her husband. I don't resent him at all, despite my mom inititating a divorce (and claiming she and he were just friends until she left my dad). I attended her wedding - in fact, they paid for my flight and my dress. They did not have attendants, but had about 40 guests at a dinner reception and outdoor ceremony.

    My parents do not talk to each other and having them both in the same room over my wedding weekend will be awkward at best. But I love both of them. And they both seem to be doing well, so that's all I can hope for.
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  • I was in college and managed to miss my mom's wedding.  I couldn't find a ride home and back and they couldn't come get me because they were kinda busy. 
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  • I think it is very immature for adult children to be resentful about a parent getting remarried. Remarriages are a fact of life. A child should not pick sides and shoiuld be there for both parents.
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