bridesmaid drop-out, vent

amysmomma

I asked my FSIL to be one of my bridesmaids.  We aren't close, but we see each other A LOT because FI's family is very close - so I thought it would be a nice gesture to include her in the wedding.  FI's brother (her husband) will be standing on FI's side.

Anyway, from the moment I asked her, she was flip-flopping about not being sure she was going to be able to afford it.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Since I myself also am not rolling around in money, I offered all of the bridesmaids to wear a dress they already own (as long as it's red).  She just happened to have 2, so perfect! 

Anyway, she chooses the one that she can't fit in, and says it's going to cost almost $200 in alterations to make it bigger.  I tell her, that she can find another dress much less expensive brand new, but she argues with me that there's nothing out there for plus sizes in that price range (I call b.s. on this because I was a plus size myself up until January).

So anyway, last night my FI and I are in bed and he says "oh yeah, my brother wanted me to tell you that FSIL can't be your bridesmaid because they can't afford it, and she didn't want to tell you herself because she thought you'd be mad".  then he continues to tell me that he told his brother if she changes her mind after xmas she can still be my bridesmaid.   gah!!!

I'd frankly rather have one less bridesmaid than have one who's flip-flopping around, one day "yes" another day "no".. and who frankly shows absolutely no interest in being a bridesmaid even on yes days.  (making comments like she's been a bridesmaid so many times, and blah blah blah.) 

I really just wanted to vent, but now I'm worried that she's going to change her mind and want to be my bridesmaid again after the holidays.  i'm so annoyed!

AmoroAgain

My only advice is to ignore it.  Let her do whatever and just close your ears to it.  What kind of interest did you want her to express?  Cooing and oohing over you because you're getting married?  Whoopty doo.

shoegal715

She sounds like a flake. You are better off in the long run without her, trust me! This is a blessing in disguise. 

Send her an e-mail that you received her message through your FI and while you are disappointed, you understand. You have to deal with this woman forever - no sense making a big fuss about this. 

Oh, and please don't "replace" her with someone else. It's very insulting to the bridesmaid that would be asked just because you wanted your numbers to be even. Uneven wedding parties are very chic - I like them! 

baystateapple

You have just over a year.  If she chooses to be back in your wedding party after the holidays, then so be it.  She doesn't need a dress right now anyway -- I'm surprised she's even talking about altering the dress she has, when she has no idea if she's going to gain or lose weight within the next year.  She might end up not needing alterations at all.

If she's in your party, cool.  If not, then no big deal, either.  My BMs are all over the East Coast, I rarely (if ever) get to see them in person, and long before now, made up my mind that if something happened and one of them just wasn't able to make it...that's life.  It's helped me relax substantially, maybe it would work for you, too.

danieliza1127

I would just let it go.  You probably shouldn't have asked her in the first place.  You didn't really want her, you don't really know her that well, and you asked her out of familial obligation, so keep in mind, she probably feels the same way.  I'm not sure why you'd expect her to show a lot of excitement since she probably knows she was just asked out of obligation and you two aren't very close.  Try not to take it personally.  If she decides to be in it later, fine, if not then fine. 

amysmomma

Don't worry, I am definitely not going to replace her.  I guess I'm just annoyed that she's flip-flopped a few times since I asked her, and I'd rather think about other things!

I don't expect her to ooh and aah over me, by the way... but I would like her to act like being my bridesmaid isn't a royal pain in the butt for her.  I feel as though this is just an excuse for her not to be my bridesmaid, but if she doesn't want to be my bridesmaid (which is what I strongly suspect the real reason is) I wish she would just man-up and tell me that straight up.

Thanks for listening to me vent. 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dff40988-10f1-48f4-8d8e-a7f23adfca03Post:ca1b91cd-ba56-4f95-95e4-79c8f55cc61e">Re: bridesmaid drop-out, vent</a>:
[QUOTE]  I feel as though this is just an excuse for her not to be my bridesmaid, but if she doesn't want to be my bridesmaid (which is what I strongly suspect the real reason is) I wish she would just man-up and tell me that straight up.
Posted by amysmomma[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I would find that frustrating too for sure.  But just like you asked her because you felt like it was the "right" thing to do, she probably feels the same way about being in the wedding, like she'd be a jerk if she said no.

amysmomma

p.s. shoegal, I took your advice and sent her a private message on facebook:

[FI name] gave me the message last night that you won't be able to be my bridesmaid. Even though I'm sad, I understand completely! I'd rather you be happy on the wedding day then stressed about finances!

Thanks for letting me know,

[my name]

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dff40988-10f1-48f4-8d8e-a7f23adfca03Post:fa6757f9-4be8-45dc-b0f1-bce257b57913">Re: bridesmaid drop-out, vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridesmaid drop-out, vent : Yeah, I would find that frustrating too for sure.  But just like you asked her because you felt like it was the "right" thing to do, she probably feels the same way about being in the wedding, like she'd be a jerk if she said no.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]


Yuppers.  Just let her off the hook and tell her it's okay if she doesn't want to be in it for whatever the reason.

amysmomma

One clarification danieliza, I know her very, very well.  It's not like we're strangers.  We see each other very often and I've been with my FI for five years, and she lives 5 minutes away from me. 

But you're right, I should not have asked her in the first place, I was just trying to do the right thing.  And now I regret it.  You know how it is, FI proposes, you get super excited and get head-first into planning.. at least I did anyway.  Oh well, I learned from that mistake. 

wadingmoose

I don't think it really matters why she doesn't want to be in the wedding party.  The relevant information is that she won't be.  I think you're upset that she's made this decision and you're feeling rejected and you want to feel justified in that.  Which is ok, but it's really completely independant of her.  Know what I mean?

What's it hurt to just accept the reason given - it's too expensive.  Maybe she felt that as part of the wedding party, she needed to help host a shower and bachelorette party which both add up.  I read not that long ago that including gifts, the average woman spends $1000 to be a bridesmaid.  That's more than just the dress.

amysmomma

Yes I agree with you wadingmoose, my feelings are hurt and I do feel rejected.  And you're right her reasons don't actually matter, and it is very expensive. 

That said, I think what irritates me the most is:

1) She keeps changing her mind.  If she needed to have the debate about whether or not she wanted to be my bridesmaid, she could have either said to me in the first place "maybe, but I'll have to think about it" or waited a bit longer, made a final decision and told me later.  At this point I'm sure she's going to change her mind again in the future.

2) She didn't tell me herself.  She went through her husband, who told my FI.  Personally, if someone asked me and I needed to drop out, I would at least tell the bride myself.

Anyway, that's the last of my ranting.  Thanks ladies.

wadingmoose

I'd say that #1 means she probably did want to be in it and didn't want to have to back out.

#2 says she's embarrassed and didn't want to back out so she didn't want to tell you herself.  Not everyone likes being the bearer of bad news.

landra310s

Since when does it cost a $1000 to be a bridesmaid (wadingmoose)?  My bridesmaids will only be responsible for their dresses ~$100 plus shoes.  I'd bet they'll spend $300 or less total between dress, bachelorette and gifts.  On only one ocassion I spent more than that as a BM because I had to fly out of state.  Most showers these days are thrown by family not bridesmaids, i've never had to chip in money for a shower, just help decorate and do what needs to be done during the shower.  However to the OP I've made the same mistake you did.  I'm definitely regretting it, but she hasn't dropped out yet.  I've already taken the financial responsibility off her shoulders for her kids for their dresses, hair and nails, she just has to get her own dress now.  I'm sure there will be more issues over the next year though... 

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-drop-out-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dff40988-10f1-48f4-8d8e-a7f23adfca03Post:008b1d3c-f81f-4fed-9a80-27843f8d4ad7">Re: bridesmaid drop-out, vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Since when does it cost a $1000 to be a bridesmaid (wadingmoose)?  My bridesmaids will only be responsible for their dresses ~$100 plus shoes.  I'd bet they'll spend $300 or less total between dress, bachelorette and gifts.  On only one ocassion I spent more than that as a BM because I had to fly out of state.  Most showers these days are thrown by family not bridesmaids, i've never had to chip in money for a shower, just help decorate and do what needs to be done during the shower.  However to the OP I've made the same mistake you did.  I'm definitely regretting it, but she hasn't dropped out yet.  I've already taken the financial responsibility off her shoulders for her kids for their dresses, hair and nails, she just has to get her own dress now.  I'm sure there will be more issues over the next year though... 
Posted by landra310s[/QUOTE]

<div>Where I'm from: </div><div>
</div><div>$250 dress</div><div>$100 alterations</div><div>if the bride is anal and requests shoes too $100 </div><div>$150 hair and makeup</div><div>$200 gift </div><div>$200 shower split with other BMs</div><div>$150 hotel on wedding night </div><div>$200 stag and doe (if she is having one)</div><div>
</div><div>That's well over $1,000</div><div>
</div>

landra310s

Wow that's a bit excessive!  Glad I don't live there. 

Hair for my girls is up to them if they want it done, my hairdresser charges $40 for an updo.  Dresses are definitely $100 tops, hopefully less than that, shoes are $30-60, whatever they want to get, gifts are more like $50, Parents pay for showers not BM's.  Of the 20+ showers I've been to in the last 4yrs alone, none of them were paid for by BM's.   My aunt does alterations for $20-50 if they even need it.  And the bachelorette will be less than $50 each for a whole weekend! 

Yikes!  That's definitely not how it's done in my circle.