Wedding Etiquette Forum

His family hates me - who to invite to shower...?

I'll try to make this a short post, but provide all the relevant details...
 
This past June my fiance's brother got engaged, we got engaged 2 months later. His brother planned their wedding for September 2012. We wanted a summer wedding and planned our wedding for May 2012. 

His family WENT NUTS. They said there was a rule about whoever gets engaged first has to get married first, so we have to push our wedding back to summer 2013 (essentially a 2 year wait) to accomodate his brother. His brother is peeved because he is getting married "to make a profit and having our wedding in the same year will cut his profits by 50%". We thought that was all ludicrous and booked our May wedding anyway.

Since that time (8 months now!), his dad, brother and sister have stopped talking to us, outright ignored us to our face at family functions and have started spreading mean rumours about me to extended family and family friends. My fiance has tried to reason with them, but they would insist the sky is purple before they admit they overreacted or made a mistake. It doesn't even matter that since then 3 cousins also got engaged and one is getting married the weekend before the brother.

 I'm so hurt because a week before we got engaged his dad was saying how much he loved me and couldn't wait to include me in the family, and would walk me down the aisle, etc...suddenly I'm this "b*tch that ruined the family" because I didn't give in to some redicuous and arbitrary rule they made up. ANYWAY...so they are all hating me, and my fiance is super hurt and disturbed by their actions. 

My question: My attendants are asking me to ok the guest list for the shower....Do I invite his sister, the new sister-in-law, and his dad's wife? They are the basis for the lies, rumour and insanity. I hate drama and this has really ruined the fun in planning my wedding.

I can't stand the idea of being in the same room as them, but also am feeling pressure of "doing what is proper and expected" and inviting them. Do I also invite the aunts and female cousins that are listening to the rumours and spreading the gossip? 

Help!


Re: His family hates me - who to invite to shower...?

  • I wouldn't invite them.  Although if you did, it doesn't sound like they would come anyway.
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  • Just to clarify, your wedding isn't until Summer of 2013 and you are "okaying" the guest list already?
  • barbara1312barbara1312 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2012
    I think I would try to be the bigger person and invite them.  (Easier said than done, I'm sure.)  But if you exclude them, it might give them more to badmouth about you.  Let them decide whether or not to attend.

    Good Luck!

    ETA - I'm reading it that she is getting married this May.
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  • CellesCelles member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2012
    Don't invite them to the shower.
    Do invite them to the wedding.

    Also, I'm sorry your FIL's are crazy cakes. :(
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  • I would invite his immediate family like his sister and stepmom.  Try to be the bigger person.  They can decide if they want to come or not.  Sounds like they're being total brats and won't come anyway.  
  • I would be the bigger person and invite them.  Not inviting them would give them "real" reasons to bitch about you.
  • goobersinlovegoobersinlove member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_his-family-hates-me-who-to-invite-to-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e17a9741-f9eb-4436-bba7-cbf879724fb7Post:71f73047-3882-4a4d-9046-68f6e832f9b9">Re: His family hates me - who to invite to shower...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would be the bigger person and invite them.  Not inviting them would give them "real" reasons to bitch about you.
    Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

    These were my thoughts exactly.

    Can you hear them already? <em>"First, she had the audacity to have her wedding before John and Sue's. The horror!! THEN she snubed us by not inviting us to XYZ..."</em>

    Invite them. Then with any luck, they won't show up. And even if they do show, you are going to have YOUR family and YOUR friends there as well who are happy and supportive, and will make you happy that day anyway.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_his-family-hates-me-who-to-invite-to-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e17a9741-f9eb-4436-bba7-cbf879724fb7Post:e8b416c8-8932-4a10-b76c-87f18041840d">Re: His family hates me - who to invite to shower...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: His family hates me - who to invite to shower...? : Their wedding is May 2012. The family wanted them to move it to 2013. When they wouldn't, that caused the problem.
    Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]


    thanks DJ, that makes more sense, my reading comprehension isn't what it should be after an after work cocktail.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

    In that case, I would concur that being the bigger person is the best path to take.  Keep on smiling OP and make them wonder. 
  • What about inviting the cousins and aunts? Not sure of the etiquette on that. We have already sent everyone wedding invitations (including the bitchy mom-inlaw and sisters).
  • I think showers are supposed to be with the people closest to the bride.  If your FI's family hates you, none of them should be invited to the wedding.
  • MICA and NOLA are right.
    The shower is for the bride's closest friends.

    These relatives you are asking about do not meet the criteria of "the bride's closest friends."  So they would not be invited.
  • Part of me wants to agree with those who are saying not to invite them because they aren't your closest friends, but like other PPs have said, not inviting them could definitely add fuel to the fire and give them more "reasons" to say awful things about you.

    My often spiteful self probably wouldn't intend to send an invitation, but in the end someone would probably make me. :p I guess I'd just invite them...they probably won't show up anyway.

    Hugs for you!
  • I would probably invite them.

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  • Do you really want to add logs to the fire?

    Just invite them to the shower.  If they choose not to come, that is their choice.  You would be the bigger person by taking the high road and inviting them.  Whether you like it (or them) or not....they are going to be part of your family as they are part of your FI's family.  And someday...part of your children's family. (if that's in your plan)  Do you really want to continue with this game?

    Be the grown-up and try to make things nice for all.  If you can't do it for the sake of being the bigger person....do it for your FI.  It's his FAMILY...not just some randoms.
  • I would invite them, smile and be polite.  I know it'll be uncomfortable, but you'll have your own family and friends there to provide a buffer, and just let the hostess know that these people might cause a problem.  That way, if they start acting up, something can be done before major drama happens.

    Also, how is having your wedding before you FBIL cutting into his profits?  I don't get that. 
    image

    Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. - Andrew Futral

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_his-family-hates-me-who-to-invite-to-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e17a9741-f9eb-4436-bba7-cbf879724fb7Post:aee3da97-27f0-40fd-95e7-8dabe459a9d1">Re: His family hates me - who to invite to shower...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think I would try to be the bigger person and invite them.  (Easier said than done, I'm sure.)  But if you exclude them, it might give them more to badmouth about you.  Let them decide whether or not to attend. Good Luck! ETA - I'm reading it that she is getting married this May.
    Posted by barbara1312[/QUOTE]

    I agree with Barbara1312
    They will attend if they want so it would make your life easier to just send them the invite.
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