Wedding Etiquette Forum

Niece + 1

We're getting down to crunch time.  1 more week until our RSVP's are due (april 1st).  We are feeling good about our numbers.  Not too many cannot make it and we are so excited.  I was talking to FSIL tonight and I found out that my future niece is now dating someone.  He's 21, she's 17.    I had a feeling that if I said nothing, at the last minute I would find out that future niece wanted to bring a date.  So, I took a chance and asked.  Does niece want to bring new boyfirieind???  She said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that, would it be okay???  

I would normally not think too much of her bringing a date, however, my concern is due to the ages.  

I called FI and told him about his niece wanting to bring 21 year old boyfriend.  He freaked out saying that it will cause a ton of drama because if his family sees the boyfriend drinking they will ask why he's drinking underage.  Then when they find out he's of age, they will freak out that 17year old niece has a 21 year old boyfriend.  

I want to say that it's FSIL's problem to deal with her daughter dating a 21 year old.  FI agrees but he says it will cause issues with his parents so he wants to tell her not to bring him.

I said I am open to whatever he decides as it's his family.  I am close with his family but I realize it's ultimately his decision and he's going to have to talk with his sister.  

I know you will tell me that it's ultimately FI's decision, but what are your thoughts on 17 year old niece brining a 21 year old boyfriend?  Should this be a concern?  We do not know him and the parents are not the boyfriend's biggest fan.  Which is why I don't know why they would even want her to bring him.  Advice appreciated, as i don't have children of my own so not sure how to deal with it!


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Re: Niece + 1

  • We didn't invite SOs of minors (so anyone under 18 and in HS) to our wedding, which I think is OK etiquette-wise. So normally I would say you don't have to invite him.

    However you already asked if she wanted to bring him. So I think it would be weird to go back on that now and basically be like "just kidding. He won't be invited regardless," KWIM?


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  • My thoughts are that the 17 year old is still a social unit with her family, not with this boyfriend. So you would not be obligated to invite him unless you and your FI choose to. I would not have expected the bf I had at 17 to be invited to a family wedding.
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  • edited March 2013
    Well if FSIL meant to ask you about bringing nieces BF and you spoke to her about it already I would say to do it. You could have not mentioned it since she is still under 18 and a social unit with her parents but since you did I would follow through with the invite. I doubt anyone would notice if he has a drink and if they do he is an adult. 4 years in not a huge age gap. 
  • So you're only asking about the appropriateness of you supporting the relationship by inviting them?

    I'd leave that judgement to her parents. When I was 17, my bf was 21.  It's not like they are going to be having sex on the dancefloor.
  • Unless this boyfriend has been to other family events I don't think it's necessary to invite him since she's still in HS (although if she's 17 and out of HS then I'll change my mind and say you should invite him), but I'd let your FI and his sister figure it out.
  • GinaV0822GinaV0822 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:7c1cfeea-c48d-4e53-b2b5-73b68b97ef1a">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unless this boyfriend has been to other family events I don't think it's necessary to invite him since she's still in HS (although if she's 17 and out of HS then I'll change my mind and say you should invite him), but I'd let your FI and his sister figure it out.
    Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Yep, she's still in HS and boyfirend has not met anyone in the family.  FI's family will freak out.  FI will care but FSIL will not.  Ugh, I should probably just stay out of it and hope for the best!</div>
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  • I'd invite them regardless personally. I invited 2 16-year-olds with their longterm boyfriends. We just want our guests to have fun. One is even traveling 6 hours to be there.

    Etiquette-wise, you can leave out the SO's of people under 18. However, etiquette also states if you made a verbal invitation, you have to keep it. I consider what you said to be an implied verbal invitation. I think this trumps the "not having to invite SO's for people under 18" rule. 

    So, he gets an invite. End of story.
  • Based on that clarification, since already invited him knowing she was still in high school,  I think you're stuck with it. It's not going to be a reflection on you that she's dating a 21 year old.
  • When FSIL asked if it would be okay what was your answer? If you said yes then it was a verbal invite and you are kinda stuck with it. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:b171a4dc-dbe2-4462-9f01-79e77bea46d4">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]When FSIL asked if it would be okay what was your answer? If you said yes then it was a verbal invite and you are kinda stuck with it. 
    Posted by PrincessBride2016[/QUOTE]

    <div>I said I needed to talk to her brother.  I told her I'd let her know and get back to her.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:ecc957a5-65dd-4b3e-9ae9-d57693ad66da">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I said I needed to talk to her brother.  I told her I'd let her know and get back to her.  
    Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>Ok then since she is a unit with her family no invite needed for the BF unless you and your FI decide otherwise. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:07cf0fec-e536-40d5-ac10-60b58de9b121">Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're getting down to crunch time.  1 more week until our RSVP's are due (april 1st).  We are feeling good about our numbers.  Not too many cannot make it and we are so excited.  I was talking to FSIL tonight and I found out that my future niece is now dating someone.  He's 21, she's 17.    I had a feeling that if I said nothing, at the last minute I would find out that future niece wanted to bring a date.  <u><strong>So, I took a chance and asked.  Does niece want to bring new boyfirieind??? </strong></u> She said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that, would it be okay???   I would normally not think too much of her bringing a date, however, my concern is due to the ages.   I called FI and told him about his niece wanting to bring 21 year old boyfriend.  He freaked out saying that it will cause a ton of drama because if his family sees the boyfriend drinking they will ask why he's drinking underage.  Then when they find out he's of age, they will freak out that 17year old niece has a 21 year old boyfriend.   I want to say that it's FSIL's problem to deal with her daughter dating a 21 year old.  FI agrees but he says it will cause issues with his parents so he wants to tell her not to bring him. I said I am open to whatever he decides as it's his family.  I am close with his family but I realize it's ultimately his decision and he's going to have to talk with his sister.   I know you will tell me that it's ultimately FI's decision, but what are your thoughts on 17 year old niece brining a 21 year old boyfriend?  Should this be a concern?  We do not know him and the parents are not the boyfriend's biggest fan.  Which is why I don't know why they would even want her to bring him.  Advice appreciated, as i don't have children of my own so not sure how to deal with it!
    Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

    The highlighted made it seem like you asked her if her daughter wanted to bring new boyfriend
  • In your OP, you stated that you asked FSIL if niece wanted to bring new boyfriend so I think you really need to honor the verbal invite.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:46066410-3077-4f8b-bb3c-d638848ec8dc">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Niece + 1 : The highlighted made it seem like you asked her if her daughter wanted to bring new boyfriend
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    <div>I guess I did.  I basically asked if she expected to bring boyfriend.  I knew that if I didn't FSIL is the type that would ask me at the last minute.  I should have kept my mouth shut!  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:cbb42c56-4267-48ba-940b-930bdf823b91">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I guess I did.  I basically asked if she expected to bring boyfriend.  I knew that if I didn't FSIL is the type that would ask me at the last minute.  I should have kept my mouth shut!  
    Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, too late. He's invited. Make room.</div>
  • Well, I etiquette doesn't dictate that those under 18 are invited with their SOs.  However, since you already verbally invited him, no matter how informally, he needs to be invited.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:ecc957a5-65dd-4b3e-9ae9-d57693ad66da">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I said I needed to talk to her brother.  I told her I'd let her know and get back to her.  
    Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

    <div>Based on this, it seems to me like you are not obligated to invite the BF because you never verbally said she could bring him.  There are many reasons unrelated to age that you might have needed to check with your FI on before adding extra people to the guest list.</div><div>
    </div><div>I would let FI decide since it's his family.</div><div>
    </div><div>I personally think she should not be dating someone that old at her age, but it's her and her parents decision and if they're letting her do it and FI wants the BF there, I would invite him.</div>
  • Yup, make room! lol
    worse things could happen. you'll be ok!
  • Thanks all!  I am good with making room.  Just have to hope FMIL doesn't get upset by the whole thing.  Ugh.  You are right, there could be worse things!  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:d9221c04-a9c9-4a05-8f36-0e8597ecde17">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I am under the impression that FSIL was beating around the bush when OP said "Does niece want to bring her boyfriend?" not as an invitation but as a "Is this what you're getting at?" sort of question.  If OP replied "I'll have to talk to FI about that." I don't think that qualifies as a verbal invitation.   If her FI thinks it would cause more trouble than it's worth, I think it would be ok if he called his sister and said that his niece can attend with her parents only.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>This.  We were having a conversation about her daughter.  I felt as though it was implied that she wanted to bring him but it wasn't said.  So I came out with it.  And then she said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that.  This is the same FSIL who told MOH the night before the shower that the niece wasn't coming, then she was, then she didn't show up.  Granted, it was 30 bucks per person which in my opinion is a lot, and it's rude.  I can see the boyfriend not showing up cuz they had a fight.  And I"m going to be pissed if I spend 100.00 for nothing,  I hate to be that way about money but it's rude and FSIL needs to be sure that if she says boyfriend is coming, he comes.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm going to leave it up to FI.  He knows her track record and unfortunately isn't great.  I love her and we get along, but he'll decide what's best.  </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:78aa2693-8073-4e1a-8efc-93554faa79d1">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : I'm not sure ,... I'm honestly confused. OP sounds like she (bride) initiated the discussion about the boyfriend.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think we were posting at the same time.  I shouldn't have brought it up, but I felt obligated to ask, as she made me feel that way.  I want everyone to be happy and have fun.  If niece will have a great time with him, great!  I just don't want the in laws to freak out.  And hearing from y other FSIL, this is probably what will happen :(  </div>
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  • Just got done talking with FI.  Apparently boyfriend will not be coming.  FI knows his family and knows it will be an issue so he has decided to put his foot down.  I told him I felt bad about bringing it up, but he said that his sister would have sent the RSVP with 4 regardless so he was glad this came up now.  He's going to call his sister.  He said he doesn't care if niece decides not to come.  I know this sounds harsh, but there is history there so I have to trust him.

    I'm glad this came out now, I just hope it doesn't cause too many problems!  Thanks for the input!
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:1e41be13-3c05-4bc6-b828-4c57f346cc10">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Niece + 1 : This.  We were having a conversation about her daughter.  I felt as though it was implied that she wanted to bring him but it wasn't said.  So I came out with it.  And then she said, oh yea, I meant to ask you about that.  This is the same FSIL who told MOH the night before the shower that the niece wasn't coming, then she was, then she didn't show up.  Granted, it was 30 bucks per person which in my opinion is a lot, and it's rude.  I can see the boyfriend not showing up cuz they had a fight.  And I"m going to be pissed if I spend 100.00 for nothing,  I hate to be that way about money but it's rude and FSIL needs to be sure that if she says boyfriend is coming, he comes.   I'm going to leave it up to FI.  He knows her track record and unfortunately isn't great.  I love her and we get along, but he'll decide what's best.  
    Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

    IMO with the way it sounds like the conversation went you have not yet invited him, so you're still in the clear to let FI make the call.  That said if the situation was in our family I'd leave it to the parents to decide the appropriateness of the relationship, so if FSIL wants the invite I'd give it to her.  But it could be worth a conversation; perhaps niece was in the room and she felt obligated to ask but is hoping you'll be the bad guy for her.

    ETA: looks like you were posting while I was so you can ignore this all.
  • It's a bit of a gray area but if OP's FI says he's taking care of it then that seems like the best way to go.  If OP gets asked about why BF wasn't invited she can just say refer them to FI.  Respecting her FI's wishes about his family trumps the semi-invite conversation IMO.  But again it's not clear cut so I can see why some others may think or choose differently.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:57224bfb-a2e9-4c0e-a680-80663b96b9b6">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]This thread is making my head hurt. Teenagers are not "a social unit with their family". If this were the case, we'd be telling people they HAVE to invite everyone's kids to their weddings. FSIL, the 17 year old's mom, was the one who brought up the 21 year old boyfriend, correct? And then said her daughter would like to bring him when you asked. When you asked, that was a verbal invite. You invited him and it would be rude to rescind that. As for it causing family drama, the girl's parents are on board, so the rest of the family doesn't get a say. The family can get over it. She is dating a 21 year old, not marrying a 41 year old. Her behavior is totally normal for a teenage girl.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]


    THIS.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Good thing I didn't know you when I was 16, because that's when I started dating FI who was 21 at the time. As long as its legal in their state I don't think it's really your place to judge. As for the rest, what Liatris said.
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  • When I said that she is a social unit with her family, I was thinking that she is a minor, and wouldn't necessarily be extended a plus-one like an adult guest generally would. Perhaps I misunderstand the meaning of the term "social unit" as it's used around here. If there's a better way to say it, fill me in! Didn't mean to make anyone's head hurt :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_niece-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e25a59d6-d52c-42d9-b12d-76367346a1abPost:e8e7efb9-5fe7-4d32-8f70-3eba54155f43">Re: Niece + 1</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I said that she is a social unit with her family, I was thinking that she is a minor, and wouldn't necessarily be extended a plus-one like an adult guest generally would. Perhaps I misunderstand the meaning of the term "social unit" as it's used around here. If there's a better way to say it, fill me in! Didn't mean to make anyone's head hurt :)
    Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]


    You're not the only one who says it. This comes up all the time.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • TBTH, I sort of understand where the OP felt the pressure to ask about the boyfriend. This past NYE, I had a small party. I was talking to my best friend, and the conversation went something like this: 

    Her: So excited for your party! 
    Me: Same. Haven't seen you in a while!
    Her: I know. Did I mention that [college roomie] is spending the night with me that night? 
    Me: No...
    Her: Yeah, she's coming down to hang out that night. She's going to help me get ready and then she's going to sleep over at my place. 
    Me: [thinking she's going to have to ask soon enough] So...
    Her: Umm...

    Yeah, there's pressure. I can see the OP being in the same situation. Still, it was a verbal invitation, IMO. The easiest way to avoid this situation is to completely change the subject. 

    Nonetheless, had the verbal invite NOT been extended, there was no obligation to invite the BF. Not because she's a "social unit" with her parents, but because she's under 18. Hate to use that as an out, but if you were really concerned, you could go with that. 

    [For the record, my friend asked if she could bring her roommate, and I said yes. Unfortunately, it was not a really pleasant evening for me.]
  • Oh I didn't take it as a jab. After reading the discussion and the other thread about what constitutes a "social unit" I just realized I probably responded before I gave my thoughts enough time to come together.

    I do that a lot. Usually aloud, and at work. :)
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