HUGE change of plans

SpecialEyes

We've been engaged for a year and a half now, with our wedding date set for this coming April. The past several years have been a challenge economically and we are not where we'd thought we'd be at this point. So we've decided to majorly scale down the wedding plans.

Originally when we got engaged we were excited and promptly booked the venue and photographer, and sent out the STDs. 

Now we have decided it would be best for us to not spend money on a wedding, and to do an "elopement' style wedding instead. Like, a ceremony on the sand with only our parents. This means the 45 STDs that were sent out are not going to get invitations to our wedding...(a major faux paux, i know).

Should we send out some sort of post card letting everyone know of the change so that people aren't left wondering what's going on?

What is the proper thing to say to people? 

mollyehren

Definitly make people aware of the change in plans in case they need to do things like cancel their vacation time, cancel hotel, ect

redheadfsu

Either you need to make it work or send a "the wedding will not take place as planned" cards.

I vote you make it work. With a brunch or cake and punch reception. But if you do cancel, you need to send cards (and call) asap. As I bet people have already spent money on travel plans, expect that people will be very upset.

SpecialEyes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:d3b2cb2f-58b6-4f4a-bbb4-a8cbfcc29232">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:<div>
[QUOTE]With 3 months to go, I think you need to suck it up and make it work if possible. I am sure people have already booked travel and asked for time off work since you sent STDs.  Can you change the time of the wedding and serve brunch/lunch or do an afternoon wedding with light apps and cake?  If that is not possible, you need to send something NOW that says "the wedding of X and X will not take place as planned.  Instead, they will be married in a private ceremony."
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">Sucking it up and going through with our original plans is not an option. I'm hoping since we've been teeter-tottering on finalzing a majority of the plans up to this point that nobody has booked air fair or taken time off work. I agree that we need to get a notification sent out to everyone immediately...which is what I need help with.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;">Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what to say. I like the way you worded it.
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</div><div>I was thinking (to save $), we could use the left over STDs that we have (I ordered them through Costco so I have a bunch of extras), by typing a message on vellum and pinning it over the STD card with a decorative brad. Is that a good idea? I'm just not sure how people would receive that...would they think negatively of the presentation of it?</div><div>
</div><div>*edited to clarify that we still plan on having a small ceremony on the sand with at the very least our parents present. So the notifications would be sent out to everyone else, who we would not be able to accomodate.</div></div></div></div>

toothpastechica

I think you shouldnt have sent std's if you were not sure if you could financially support a wedding that size period. its tacky to uninvite people so i dont think there is any ettiquite appropriate way to uninvite 45 people. sorry.

SpecialEyes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:70a69745-dfc3-47e9-88ab-b9b966ef277a">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you shouldnt have sent std's if you were not sure if you could financially support a wedding that size period. its tacky to uninvite people so i dont think there is any ettiquite appropriate way to uninvite 45 people. sorry.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for stating the obvious. I didn't realize that a Save-The-Date was the same thing as an Invitation. Although I realize (because of the situation we're in now) it is bad etiquette. I'm hoping people will actually be relieved for not having to travel, not having to bring a gift, etc. We're really low key people so going through with the whole "show" just doesn't feel right. </div>

whitsy

It's not possible to even host cake and punch for 45 people? Or 90, assuming they bring SOs?

Shouldn't everything be booked and mostly paid for at this point? At least the venue, right? I'm sure we could help you find ways to trim your budget and still invite everyone if you'd like to post what's been paid for by this point.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:506723eb-e8f0-4ab8-a00b-c5642ee7df0b">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HUGE change of plans : Thank you for stating the obvious. I didn't realize that a Save-The-Date was the same thing as an Invitation. Although I realize (because of the situation we're in now) it is bad etiquette.<strong> I'm hoping people will actually be relieved for not having to travel, not having to bring a gift, etc.</strong> We're really low key people so going through with the whole "show" just doesn't feel right. 
Posted by SpecialEyes[/QUOTE]

I am sure they will not be relieved to find out your plans have changed because of finances after they just spent $900+ on non-refundable airfare to attend your wedding after they got your STD. If this is about the "show", you need to suck it up and host the wedding and reception.  Period.  If  this is about the money, you have other, less expensive options.  Cut out flowers and favors.  Wear a simple dress, not necessarily a wedding dress.  Do a sheet cake and a pretty tier for cutting.  Do Ipod for music.  Rent your local moose lodge or VFW hall or host the reception in someone's backyard if they have space.  For 50 people, you can cater BBQ and sides rather cheaply.  You sent STD's, you send an invite.

Kristin789

Have you really visited everywhere that you could have this? 

We're not members of the local country club, but I had gone there for a charity luncheon and really liked it.  So I made an appointment with the catering director, and it turned out that they WOULD host a non-member event during the non-season time because they really don't have much in the way of events there when it's not "in season."

We did lunch at the country club for $16 per person plus plus inclusive (that meanse that the $16 includes the tax and tip). For 45 people, that would be $720. And they piped in soft jazz music for free, and they used the standard centerpieces that they use for the high end charity gala - for free.

It would be very odd if your family couldn't contract next week for $720 and stretch the contract terms so that only 1/2 of the money would be due on the day of the event - which is three months from now, and the other half of the money would be due two months later.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:70a69745-dfc3-47e9-88ab-b9b966ef277a">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you shouldnt have sent std's if you were not sure if you could financially support a wedding that size period. its tacky to uninvite people so i dont think there is any ettiquite appropriate way to uninvite 45 people. sorry.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

<div>There are a lot of reasons why weddings can't take place as planned -- people lose jobs, family members get sick, natural disasters occur, etc.  That is why one sends out notices that "the wedding will not take place as planned."  I agree that everything should be done at this point to go ahead with the original date and guest list, but sometimes people don't have any choice but cancel.</div><div>
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Cortney1982

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:2179921d-f706-4d31-8f45-0a85827f8b85">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HUGE change of plans : Sucking it up and going through with our original plans is not an option. I'm hoping since we've been teeter-tottering on finalzing a majority of the plans up to this point that nobody has booked air fair or taken time off work. I agree that we need to get a notification sent out to everyone immediately...which is what I need help with. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what to say. I like the way you worded it. <strong>I was thinking (to save $), we could use the left over STDs that we have (I ordered them through Costco so I have a bunch of extras), by typing a message on vellum and pinning it over the STD card with a decorative brad. </strong>Is that a good idea? I'm just not sure how people would receive that...would they think negatively of the presentation of it? *edited to clarify that we still plan on having a small ceremony on the sand with at the very least our parents present. So the notifications would be sent out to everyone else, who we would not be able to accomodate.
Posted by SpecialEyes[/QUOTE]

Resend the save the date?????  They already have it, I don't see why you would pin a message over it.  I would be mad as hell if I had made arrangements for travel/time off and you sent me another save the date with a decorative note on top saying it was a no go.  There is no way you can host punch and cake?

Snippylynn

OP, you made a huge mistake.  But you know that already.  With only 3 months to go, you are very likely to have people who have made plans, and/or taken off from work.  You can't know that they haven't because despite your hemming and hawing, people were naturally assuming that you would pull it together no matter what.  So, here are a few suggestions:

- Send out IMMEDIATELY a note that there will not be a wedding as planned (per MilkDuds above).  Don't worry about making it pretty, don't worry about anything else.  Just SEND it NOW.

OR

- Have the ceremony on the beach, serve cake and punch afterward (definitely be sure to note this on the invitations!!).  I promise that it will not cost very much.

- Look into having a bbq reception at a park after the ceremony.

What it sounds like to me is, you can't afford the 'dream' wedding that you had envisioned and are now going in the opposite direction.  Which is fine, but just remember that no matter what your dream was, getting married and being with your FI is what is most important.  I had dreamed of a $30k+ wedding with all of the trimmings and amazingness.  What we had instead was a $5k wedding that was incredibly beautiful, with our closest friends and family and it didn't bother me in the least.

It's all about a change in perception.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:506723eb-e8f0-4ab8-a00b-c5642ee7df0b">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HUGE change of plans : Thank you for stating the obvious. <strong>I didn't realize that a Save-The-Date was the same thing as an Invitation.</strong> Although I realize (because of the situation we're in now) it is bad etiquette. I'm hoping people will actually be relieved for not having to travel, not having to bring a gift, etc. We're really low key people so going through with the whole "show" just doesn't feel right. 
Posted by SpecialEyes[/QUOTE]

What did you think they were?  A "keep this date free in case I decide to invite you?"

When someone gets a save the date that is when they check the airfares, make reservations, buy plane tickets, etc.  If ANYONE has gotten tickets to come to your wedding you need to find a way to suck it up since their ticket is most likely non-refundable.  I would forgive a couple if I lost a few hundred dollars because the wedding was cancelled due to an emergency or they broke up.  If I lost a few hundred dollars because they didn't plan properly I'd be (rightly so) pretty ticked to lose that money.    

I agree that you shouldn't use the STD's as a method to notify everyone that the wedding will not take place.  Before you pull the trigger here please figure out if you have people flying in.  You may not have realized the STD was an invitation, but you do have a responsibility here if people correctly realized what it was and have money on the line due to tickets/reservations.

NOLAbridealmost

*Slow claps*

Congratulations, Kristin. I think you solved the puzzle.  Maybe you should PM the OP the contact information for your country club. 

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:5357be2c-1686-428c-b68a-652b03bc06ad">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HUGE change of plans : What did you think they were?  A "keep this date free in case I decide to invite you?" When someone gets a save the date that is when they check the airfares, make reservations, buy plane tickets, etc.  If ANYONE has gotten tickets to come to your wedding you need to find a way to suck it up since their ticket is most likely non-refundable.  I would forgive a couple if I lost a few hundred dollars because the wedding was cancelled due to an emergency or they broke up. <strong> If I lost a few hundred dollars because they didn't plan properly I'd be (rightly so) pretty ticked to lose that money.   </strong>  I agree that you shouldn't use the STD's as a method to notify everyone that the wedding will not take place.  Before you pull the trigger here please figure out if you have people flying in.  You may not have realized the STD was an invitation, but you do have a responsibility here if people correctly realized what it was and have money on the line due to tickets/reservations.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This.

I really have a hard time believing that after saving for a year and a half you don't have the funds to host cake and punch for 45 people.  It may not be the wedding you initially pictured, but it's way less rude to your guests than cancelling

Negazilla

Whatever is going on in her life is none of our business so it is unfair to tell her to, "suck it up and host it."  She's asking for advice on a graceful way to bow out.  And on that, I would say don't resend save the dates, find something else to send out.

SpecialEyes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:01c7f885-62b1-4913-b5e3-f72e309135f9">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever is going on in her life is none of our business so it is unfair to tell her to, "suck it up and host it."  She's asking for advice on a graceful way to bow out.  And on that, I would say don't resend save the dates, find something else to send out.
Posted by Negazilla[/QUOTE]

Negazilla - you are on point! Thank you. I appreciate your reply very much.

There are many times where I have passed judgment onto others, and I constantly have to remind myself that I never <em>really</em> know what's going on in someone elses life. It's not fair to make assumptions. Some of you might want to take note of that.

So we plan to immediately send out cards to let everyone know that we are cancelling and will instead have a private ceremony. I just need to work on how to gracefully word it.

stefaniewattie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:84aeab3c-cc84-4403-b118-6ce74772efb4">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HUGE change of plans : Negazilla - you are on point! Thank you. I appreciate your reply very much. There are many times where I have passed judgment onto others, and I constantly have to remind myself that I never really know what's going on in someone elses life. It's not fair to make assumptions. Some of you might want to take note of that. So we plan to immediately send out cards to let everyone know that we are cancelling and will instead have a private ceremony. I just need to work on how to gracefully word it.
Posted by SpecialEyes[/QUOTE]

you went on a public forum and asked for opinions - if it was personal, you should have kept it personal.
I dont think there is a way to graceful UNINVITE people to your wedding, a change of plans would mean downsizing your wedding plans, not your guest list - but IM not your guests, so you dont have to worry about offending me, your guests WILL be offended that you planned for a wedding, invited them to it and then couldnt pull the money together because you ASSUMED you would be able to. its not your guests fault you didnt budget your money properly - im sorry but i have a hard time believing you dont have the money to host a cake and punch reception in the afternoon. its better than nothing.. if your worried about being rude - which you apparantly are because you came on the ETIQUETTE board, this is the way to go.
Sorry you didnt get the answers you wanted sweetie, but thats what you get when you ask STRANGERS for advice.

SpecialEyes

I'm truly surprised by how many people are so offended by this notion.

If one of my friends or family told me that they decided to elope instead of having a wedding, I would be supportive and understanding, no matter what. I don't think anyone should be forced into financial ruin (that's a little dramatic, I know) just to accomodate a wedding. That's no way to start a marriage.

I absolutely understand the frustration if someone has already purchased a plane ticket for example, but that is not the case in my situation (thank god). 

I just thought by posting this topic in a form that someone would be able to give me a pointer on what to say, and I got more than I bargained for.

AllieHysh19

I can't believe how negative and condiscending some of you are. 

If the people you sent your STD's to are really your family and friends, they will understand.  Maybe a phone call may be a little more warrented to those who you are close to.  Keep in mind, this is YOUR wedding - do what you want.  People change their minds all the time - its no big deal.  As long as you marry your FI, that's all that matters.  Maybe in a couple of years when the tides have turned and you are a little more stable financially you can renew your vows and do the whole thing.  I think your cards are a start but definitely follow up with that phone call.

Good luck!

jenniferb77

eh...

i see this both ways.

1) you should never plan for a wedding without a budget. you need to keep in mind flex for a change in the number of guests. people who you think wont come will surprise you by showing up.

2) you cannot plan for everything. life happens.

before deciding on cancelling your wedding, i suggest a conversation with some of the people you invited to guage what they have done. if the random selection has not booked any flights/hotels/rental cars/etc., then i would say feel free to send out a note announcing your elopement.

if there are people who have spent money to be with you, i would figure out some way to salvage the situation. have any crafty friends? or you could talk to the people taking the cake decorating class at michael's to make you a wedding cake. dollar tree has a TON of simple accessories for budget brides. it may not be exactly as you had envisioned things, but it would be something for those guests who have already committed their time and money for you.

stefaniewattie

you came on to the etiquette board to ask how you can say something that is rude?

maybe your question would be better received on your local board? Also,  by posting on your local board you may receive advice or info from brides in your area of ways to downsize the wedding on a low budget (budget weddings would also be good for this)
This board is harsh - I myself have been had my ass handed to me on a platter on this board.. If you want people to tell you its ok to be rude, in general you wont find it here.
Good Luck with your wedding though, whatever you chose to do.:)
Theyre giving you advice based on etiquette - you dont have to follow it.

Starqueg

I'm sorry that your plans didn't work out the way they planned, and that people on this site can be really nasty sometimes.  I'm not exactly sure how to word your letters, so I can't help you with that.  I think people will be understanding, it's not like the economy is fabulous right now.  A lot of people are having major financial issues, and many thought that this year would be better.  If you're honest with people, they might be annoyed, but unless you've gone on a spending spree that they all know about, they won't hate you over this. 
Enjoy your wedding day, no matter how many people are there.

seesawgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:ac904173-719e-433b-9c93-bb16e12a5c77">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]eh... i see this both ways. 1) you should never plan for a wedding without a budget. you need to keep in mind flex for a change in the number of guests. people who you think wont come will surprise you by showing up. 2) you cannot plan for everything. life happens. <strong>before deciding on cancelling your wedding, i suggest a conversation with some of the people you invited to guage what they have done. if the random selection has not booked any flights/hotels/rental cars/etc., then i would say feel free to send out a note announcing your elopement. if there are people who have spent money to be with you, i would figure out some way to salvage the situation</strong>. have any crafty friends? or you could talk to the people taking the cake decorating class at michael's to make you a wedding cake. dollar tree has a TON of simple accessories for budget brides. it may not be exactly as you had envisioned things, but it would be something for those guests who have already committed their time and money for you.
Posted by jenniferb77[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is what I would suggest as well. If the majority of your guests have made travel arrangements, I would try to figure out a way to make it work, on your budget. </div><div>
</div><div>My FI and I are on a 3,000 budget, and our wedding is going to be gorgeous, because we're doing everything ourselves. Do what the previous posters suggested, look at non conventional places to host the reception. If its going to be catered, look at non conventional places to cater- for instance, our local bowling alley is catering ours- BBQ ribs, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, etc...for 7 dollars a person, and the food is delicious- the best BBQ in town. Our venue is free, because we're getting married at the office where my FI works- they have a courtyard with a fountain that is perfect for 50 people, with a mountain view, nonetheless.</div><div>
</div><div>If most people haven't booked flights yet, just send a note (don't reuse the save the dates, if that paper comes off, it might confuse people) and make sure to follow up with a phone call. No one in your 45 nearest and dearest is going to get angry at you for making a sound financial choice, and deciding to scale back. </div><div>
</div><div>Regardless of what you do , I would say that it should probably be all or nothing. Either elope with just you and your parents, or find a way to make it work, not picking a few guests that you can afford to host, and uninviting the rest. That IS rude, because at that point, you've basically placed your friends into categories, and people would be offended. </div><div>
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vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_huge-change-of-plans?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e3688d49-cdd3-429d-beb1-b356ca4d0347Post:33a9837d-4eba-4545-9e3c-e7f91f1b14d8">Re: HUGE change of plans</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe how negative and condiscending some of you are.  If the people you sent your STD's to are really your family and friends, they will understand.  Maybe a phone call may be a little more warrented to those who you are close to.  Keep in mind, this is YOUR wedding - do what you want.  People change their minds all the time - its no big deal.  As long as you marry your FI, that's all that matters.  Maybe in a couple of years when the tides have turned and you are a little more stable financially you can renew your vows and do the whole thing.  I think your cards are a start but definitely follow up with that phone call. Good luck!
Posted by AllieHysh19[/QUOTE]

Nobody was rude or condensending.  We are honest.  People have made plans.  Friends and family regardless, if I shelled out $900 for a non-refundable, non-changable plane ticket, I would be pissed.  I am not made of money either.  Attending a wedding is expensive.  Yes, people change their minds all the time.  There are consequenses with doing so.  In this case,  OP changes her mind, she could become responsible for reimbursing people for flights and accommodations booked.  She has to reimburse the wedding party for their attire.  She has to return all the gifts received. If they have been used, she has to pay the giver for them.  These are the results of cancelling a wedding. 

I am actually appalled that there are people here that are so non-chalant about this.  I understand that life happens, but if you were asked to spend hundreds of dollars on someone and then they back out of their obligation, you would be put out.  Are you saying that you would just accept it and move on?

By the way, she does not get a do-over wedding in a couple of years.  This is it.  This is her one shot.  She doesn't get a huge party later if she can't afford one now.

SpecialEyes

Everything turned out fine. 

I called the people that we are closest with, immediate family and friends, and I mailed a note to those that we don't see or speak with regularly, to notify them of our change of plans.  

The note was simple and sweet :

A while back we asked you to “Save-the-Date”

for our wedding on Xxxxx XXth, 2012. 

We have decided to not have the wedding, 

and will instead have a private ceremony 

as soon as we are able to. 

While we apologize for the late notice, 

we appreciate your understanding and support. 

We’ll let you know once we have become Mr. & Mrs.!

Sincerely,

Everyone was understanding and supportive of our decision. No one had purchased plane tickets so no one ended up being inconvenienced or upset. Once we let everyone know of our change of plans it was such a weight lifted, now all of that stress is gone and we are happy with the decision we made because it's the right one for our situation.