Invite etiquette re: cousins

libbyloutoo

I have 6 cousins
Due to most of them being significantly older or younger than me, or living on the other side of the country, I am only close to one.  The others are basically strangers.
I really want to invite the one cousin I am close to, we'll call her "K" but I am torn as I am worried it would be poor etiquette not to then invite the rest of the cousins (including their spouses and children this would add 16 extra people to my already overflowing guest list) especially since one of the other cousins is "K";s little brother who I barely know at all. 
"K" has already asked my mum about the wedding and seems really excited about it even though none of us (me or my mum) have in any way have indicated to her that she is invited.

Would it be really crappy of me to just invite "K"?

marinabreeze

Etiquette-wise, it's safest to invite in tiers, so inviting first cousins but not first cousins once-removed or second cousins, something along those lines. 

However, you know your family and how close they are to you.  I was planning to leave out all cousins, because I have a lot of them (cutting them off the potential guest list halved my list!).  The vast majority of my cousins are significantly older than I am (like 10-20+ years older) and we're not that close.  Most of them didn't invite me to their weddings either - it's not a tit-for-tat thing, just mentioning this because it's understood on both sides that we're not so close.

However, I have a cousin that is a lot older but I do feel close to since she spent a lot of time with my immediate family while I was a teenager...I actually visited her for Christmas this year, so that might give you an idea.  And she's really excited about my wedding.  So I am inviting her and her teenage son.  I'm also inviting another cousin and his wife because my favorite aunt, who is this cousin's mom, has mild dementia and surely would need the company.  My immediate family and I are relatively close to this cousin as well.  Knowing my family, inviting just these cousins isn't something that will make waves.

So I would say to you that if there's a low probablility of drama/hurt feelings from inviting the one cousin, I think you'll be fine.  But if there is a legitimate worry, you might want to consider the all-or-none rule.  HTH!

beckys67

I think you should invite the ones you are closest to. I have 35 first cousins but I'm not inviting all of them. I think the guestlist is the hardest part of the whole wedding planning process. Good luck to you.

KelaRenee

If you are clearly closer to one cousin it's no big deal to just invite that one.  On the other hand, you can't invite all but one cousin. 

MichelleAve

I also have a large family, as does my FI, and many, many cousins. I happen to be closer to one cousin in particular who I wanted to include in the bridal party. I definitely received a lot of criticism from certain family members for it, but if I were to include all my cousins as BM's, the wedding party would be ridiculous. Although I was initially upset that instead of people saying, "oh isn't that nice that she is included" they said "well why isn't MY daughter included," you just have to take the attitude that this is YOUR day and you have to do what makes you (and your wallet) happy. It sounds like having that cousin included is important to you, as it was to me, so you should invite her. Weddings are a celebration, so invite the people who will enhance the celebration and not the stress.

MyNameIsNot

There is no etiquette rule that says if you invite one cousin, you have to invite them all.  Etiquette-wise, it is perfectly fine to invite the 3 cousins you speak to and exclude the 3 you don't, or the 2 uncles you like and exclude the 5 you don't.  It's no different than choosing to invite the 3 co-workers that you go to happy hour with but not the whole office.  You don't want to put it in the face of those that aren't invited, but it's fine to leave some off.

The problem is not with etiquette, but with family dynamic.  Are your other cousins (or their parents) going to feel miffed if this cousin is invited by they are not?  What about her brother?  If your family is spread out and not very close, I can't see how they would be hurt to not be invited, so I don't see a problem.  If you were close, it would be a different story, but they aren't.  I think you're fine to invite this cousin, and maybe to mention to her that she's the only one invited, and to keep it on the DL around the rest of the family.

libbyloutoo

Thanks ladies!

The only person in the family likely to get her knickers in a knot is my aunt, K;s mom.  She'll be offended if I invite K but not K's brother.  Then if I invite K's brother who I'm not close to, my other aunt will get offended that I didn't invite her 3 kids (and their spouses and kids) who I am not close to
Thankfully my other aunt is reasonably and understands if I don't invite her daughter (and spouse and kids)!

Aren't families wonderful!

K and I aren't so close that we talk/hang out much, so the world wouldn't end if I didn't invite her
My mum thinks it would be safest just not to invite any of the cousins, but I really would like K to be there so will have to think about whether or not I want to open that particular can of worms! 

cara91997

Good luck! That is a tough situation and we went through a similar thing. Just to clarify, are you talking about inviting K, K's mom, and then excluding her brother? Would he be the only one in K's immediate family who doesn't get an invitation? If so, this might cause an issue. If K has other siblings that aren't invited then I think you are okay.

We ran into a few similar issues on both sides. Initially, I wasn't going to invite all of my cousins. For example, I have 2 on my dad's side who pretty much estranged themselves from the family for many years due to issues they had with their mother. I NEVER see them. One showed up to a family function last summer for the first time in 5 years. It caused a bit of an uproar in the family when I mentioned how I wasn't planning on inviting her or her sister. Well guess what? Now we are inviting her, her sister and both of their SO's just to make everyone happy. 

On FI's side, he initially had a cousin and her husband who he was going to invite along with her mother (his aunt) and her SO. He never mentioned it to them though and then we cut them due to budget/ guest list restraints. He isn't real close with them but was in the past.  Well the cousin e-mailed him saying how she couldn't wait for the wedding. He felt guilty so we added them back on which also meant FI had to add her mother, his aunt and SO. Then when he called for addresses, the cousin told him to just send her brother's invite to her address as well!! We weren't expecting that one, never even thought about the brother. But, FI was technically inviting the whole family but the brother so he had to include the brother and his wife as well.

I agree with PP's--the guest list seems to be the hardest part. Luckily our invitations went out this week so whatever happens happens. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Personally, part of me wishes I had just cut all cousins. Honestly, cousins ended up being the biggest problem in our guest list plans.