I apologize for this long rant, but i really need some help and you ladies always seem very helpful on many topics. I am marrying into a step-child, and can't seem to get a grip anymore.
FI and I have been together for a little over 2 years now, he has an almost 4 year old daughter to another GIRL, and i say girl strongly.
A little background:
When I came into the picture, his daughter was about 1.5 years old, a very sweet, playful, kind, gentle child, we did everything together, I didn't mind watching her for a few hours if he had to work, i'd buy her almost everything under the sun, i really accepted her into my own.
Her mother is NOW 22 years old, I am almost 27, and my FI will be 30 in mid-May, can you see some conflict in maturity and parenting here? Anyways, in our house, we have rules, we clean up, if you are warned 3 times, timeout is had or a toy taken away. If the little one has a very bad listening day, we don't go anywhere or do anything "fun" that day. Trying to teach her that all actions have an outcome, whether it's a good or bad. Completely different from her mothers house, no rules, no discipline, rewards her with bad behavior and laughs at her when something "potty" comes out of her mouth. They also have a custody agreement amongst themselves, in otherwords, he said she said. FI and I get her every Monday and Wednesday nights, and every other Friday-Sunday, the mother gets her everyday we don't, so it is almost completely 50/50, nothing in writing legally.
Fast forward:
Her exact 2nd birthday, that little switch turned on in her head, you know, the terrible 2's switch? Well needless to say, things have not been the same ever since. I completely understand the terrible 2's phase, screaming, fits, crying, yelling, hitting, etc...but never in my life would i have thought that turning 2, would develop such a hatred for me. No matter what i did/do, play, correct, help, color, draw, mind my own, things have always turned out with me being the bad guy, or the red headed step child. But being that she was going through that lovely phase, I didn't let it bother me too much, and at that time, FI and I lived apart, so I was able to go home for a night or few hours when I just couldn't handle it anymore.
After her 3rd birthday, things continued to get even worse. Not only is she now able to understand more of what is going on around her, but is able to make her own choices, and do some things on her own, etc. Along with her ability to do things on her own, she has also developed a horrid personality, she screams at me if I look at her, tells me she doesn't need to listen to me, ignores me when i speak to her, when i try to sit down and play, tells me i'm not aloud or she doesn't want to play with me. FI keeps telling me that with time, and consistent structure, that she will get better, but how is she suppose to get better when her other parent provokes this behavior? Again, we try the timeout, she sits in the corner and sings to herself, with the smarty pants tude about when time out is done. If we take away a toy, she makes it clear that mommy will buy her a new one and she doesn't care. Not only that, but constantly telling me that she doesn't need to listen to me, only mommy, daddy and teacher, starts to wear on you after awhile. I refuse to punish her by physical discipline, not only is she not my child, but i feel now a days, there are many other things to try then resorting to "spanking". Also, I flicked her hand once for touching something she shouldn't have after numerous warnings, FI heard about it for days from her so called mother.
At some point we would like to have 2 children of our own, but if things continue this way, how can I be happy about having another child in fear that FI's little one's "mommy" will tell her bad things to do? (only thing that comes to mind here is the movie "The Omen") In the 2 years that we have been together, I have not met this mother, she refuses to meet me, but yet once we got engaged, her and her family made a statement since we have not met. I have tried introducing myself, as soon as she sees me in public, or i try to come to the front door, she runs quickly away. I'm sorry, but if that was my child, i would WANT to meet the person that may potentially be around for life.
End all, I need help, as stated I've been around for over 2 years now, and things continue to go downhill. Talking to her mother has done nothing for us, usually ends in a threatening fight or name calling from her end. It has gone as far as the little ones school threatening to kick her out of their program if she doesn't straighten up before her 4th birthday, apparently still not enough for her to realize that what she is doing is not the right way. I have heard of local "step child" classes they have in my area, and was thinking of signing up, but FI then stated it's really not me, it's the way she is being raised in her other home, any advise to help us? Please and Thank You
Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley