Proper way to handle sticky grandma situation...

cherbein

I could use some impartial advice...

*Background*
My grandma (dad's mom) has fairly advanced alzheimers.  She has been living with my parents for over a year and a half and while she has some good days, she is confused a lot of the time and unsure who people are and where she is.  A lot of the time she thinks she's in the small town she grew up in.  As part of the disease, she can get very agitated and goes from a sweet old lady to a rather unpleasant cursing individual who throws every insult in the book at you.  Grandma can't remember that she went to the bathroom, so when she's not actively engaged in some activity she thinks she needs to go every five minutes.  She's also reached the point in her disease where she has some bowel issues and it is not uncommon for her to have accidents.  The probability of an accident increases if she's agitated or stressed.  My mom's thoughts going into the situation of my grandma living with my parents were that it would be for a year max, and my dad seems to be thinking of it as a much longer term situation.  This has lead to a lot of angst between my parents on the topic of my grandma and a lot of bitterness on my mom's part towards my grandma.

*Current Situation*
I'm only a little over a month away from my wedding.  I sent a separate response card for my grandma and my parents to give them a little more time to decide whether grandma was coming or not.  She's my grandma and I'd love for her to be there, but I also realize that with her disease it may be scary and upsetting for her to be around that many people in a strange place.  I figured that my parents as her primary care givers could make the call of what she could handle.

The initial plan was that grandma was going to go into a short term nursing home she's been to before the week of the wedding to give my mom some respite care and to make it easier for her to help with the details.  My suggestion was that we could hire a nurse to take care of grandma at the wedding so that no one from the family would miss the vows because grandma had to go the bathroom or have to leave early because she wanted to go home.  My mom didn't like that idea mainly because she just doesn't want my grandma to be there.  Mom has been making all kinds of snarky comments about grandma and how she'll ruin the wedding which just make me really said.  A lot of them have some truth, but the way she says it is just mean.

I asked what was going on with grandma and it turns out my mom essentially threw out grandma's card and now dad is pissed and says he may not put grandma in respite care for the week of the wedding.  I tried to talk to him about if she's coming or not and about hiring a nurse and he pretty much just sat there silently and then stomped off.

This whole situation is causing me stress and giving me flash backs to my high school graduation that grandma was supposed to attend and forgot about due to the beginnings of her disease.  She wandered off for the afternoon and my parents got into a huge screaming fight including yelling at me because they were taking it out on everyone.  I went to my graduation in tears and I don't want a repeat for my wedding. 

I love my grandma.  I know she is ill and none of this is her fault.  I just would like some advice on how to handle things with my parents.  Eloping is seeming like a really good idea right now...  (Okay, I'm not going to elope... but its tempting)

katiewhompus

I'm sorry you are going through this situation, there is definitely no easy answer

Is there a way you could get your mom away from your dad/grandma for a little mental break? I know that she probably seems harsh to you right now, but it can be incredibly difficult to live with someone with advanced Alzheimers. I've been the "in-law"(dating, not married) living with the family member with Alzheimers and it was horrible. Most people thought I was being a bitch but it's difficult to be treated poorly all day and seemingly have no support.

I would also suggest therapy for your parents. I know it's a bit of a cliche answer but I do believe it could help get some things in the open in a healthier way.

strlzfan11

Is there any way a nurse (or another family member or friend) could bring grandma to the actual ceremony and then take her home afterwards?

WildRumpus

I really don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're going through this. My grandfather is in the late stages of Alzheimers, and it's heartbreaking to watch him (and my grandmother) suffer. It's going to be hard to be there for your parents while trying to remain impartial. I would probably just stay out of it to be perfectly honest. It sounds like the problem is much deeper than your mother just being worried about how your grandmother will behave at the wedding. Adding any more cooks to that kitchen is just going to end in disaster.

sister2groom

I think for a long-term solution it would be nice if you could help your parents find some respite, either through you/your siblings, if you have any, or your father's siblings, or, if possible, outside care. It sounds like your mom is going to burn out if this continues without changes, especially since your grandma will only get  more difficult.

It also sound like your mom may be the primary care-taker for your grandma (does your dad work?) so, while lashing out at your grandma's not great, I do have a lot of compassion for her.

If there any you can compromise with your parents? like have them put your grandma in care for the week and then you and immediate family stop by before the wedding to take a couple of pictures and show your grandma your dress. Or maybe just take her out of care for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner so she can sort of participate in a lower-key setting? Or tape the wedding and then later watch it with your grandmother and have her watch you open gifts? I don't know, but there's got to be some way to involve her so your parents won't be at eachother's throats the week leading up to your wedding.

zantster

I partially agree with Jill9288 about staying out of it.  But just to ease your own mind how about scheduling a nurse yourself and having that as an option on standby.  I wouldn't bring the matter up again with your parents.  Because you don't want to agitate them further.  But if they end up telling you that she is coming then you have that nurse on standby as a sort of insurance policy that things will still go smoothly and everyone can enjoy themselves.  You can always cancel the nurse if she's not coming.  But if she's coming then even if your parents tell you that they will bring her and be responsible for her so no need for the nurse I would still keep one on standby, not hovering but almost like in the position of an usher just in case they become unexpectedly overwhelmed.  My grandfather had Alzheimer's. Good luck and all the best!

squirrly

Stop pressuring people about it.  As much as you want your grandmother there, the thing is that she can't be - because she really isn't around anymore.  It's sad, but that's the bottom line.  Your grandmother today isn't the grandmother you grew up with.  And, putting her in that situation would be unpleasant for her and most everyone else involved. 

You can share it with her via video and photos afterwards.  You can go see her in your dress, if you think she'd appreciate it (either before or after the wedding).  You can take her your boquet (or get some coordinating flowers for her and take her those).  You can even take her a meal from the reception.

Your mother has every reason to be frustrated.  Living with an inlaw or parent is challenging enough.  One with medical issues can be that much more challenging.  I'm sure your father is struggling with accepting the situation and balancing that with your mother's discomfort.

Clearly, you can't mediate this one.  But by taking the pressure off for her to come, it might make things better and easier. 

mica178

If possible, find out if there's a Alzheimer's caregiver support group in your area (maybe start out by checking alz.com).  It's really common for the primary caregiver of an Alzheimer's patient to feel burned out, and these groups can be great stress relievers.  It sounds like your mother might be reaching that point.

I know that you'd love your grandmother to be there at your wedding, but have you thought about what kind of stress that event will be for her?  If she's dealing with memory issues and now with incontinence, she might be miserable during a large, crowded event.  I know that other brides have mentioned visiting their grandparents separately at some point while wearing their dress or other things that will avoid the stress for the grandparent but still have them involved and in pictures.

cherbein

My dad does work full time and my mom works part time.  Grandma goes to "Active Day" at the local senior center from ~7:00-4:00 each work day.  Besides work, my dad also has a bunch of extra activities he does which has left my mom as the primary care giver for my grandma.  I do understand that my mom has a tough time and that her situation is very difficult.  My fiance and I have watched grandma for them before so that they could go visit my sister and I went through being cursed at, having shoes thrown at me, and cleaning up a lot of diarrhea along with the moments where she's a sweet old lady who just wants someone to sit and listen as she tells the same story over and over again.

I'm a big fan of the route where grandma goes into the short term nursing home the week of the wedding as planned to give mom a break and help things run smoothly at home and then we have a nurse bring grandma to the wedding.  My pastor is very nice and said he'd help set things up so grandma could be formally seated at the beginning and then we could have her move to the back so she'd be close to the bathroom if she wanted to go.  We are video taping the ceremony, so showing her that is also an option.

Staying out of their fight does seem like a good idea, though I don't know how it'll work with the way my parents fight.  My mom complains to everyone else, but never stands up for herself to dad and dad when he gets upset just sulks and is rude to everyone.  I'm afraid we'll get to right before the wedding, no decisions will have been made, mom will be all upset and dad will be sulky and rude through out the wedding.

cherbein

mainly at squirrly...

I am not trying to pressure people into bringing grandma.  I do recognize that for the most part she's gone.  It breaks my heart, but I am not blind or in denial.  My grandma would never curse like a sailor, throw things at people or many other things that have been happening.  My parents are her primary care givers and I wanted them to decide what she could handle because they interact with her everyday.  If she can't come, that's fine.  If she is coming, I just want to set something up so there is care for her without my mom having to do it.

My father is the one who is more set on her coming because he is in denial as to how far gone she is and he is angry at my mom because my mom has been after him to move her out of their house and into a full time nursing home.

This problem goes much deeper than my wedding and I'm just looking for a way to handle this so that grandma is okay and my parents aren't at eachothers throats

sister2groom

Oh, yeah, I second the staying out of it too. When I was in high school my family had some pretty stressful stuff going on (not Alzheimer's but still non-trivial stuff) and I focused on what I saw of my mom being mean to my dad and completely sided with him. I later realized while I love my dad and always will, he's not an angel and wasn't blameless with the stuff going on with my mom, and I just wasn't seeing both sides of it (nor should I be expected to). That siding I did has permanently affected my relationship with my mom, we get a long, but even when I try to be impartial she now perceives me as always on his side, which is understandble but unfortunate,.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_proper-way-handle-sticky-grandma-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e423e8d8-3738-4c0e-bf25-578d94bb7c3fPost:b43d4285-c645-4925-a629-e4c100c9622e">Re: Proper way to handle sticky grandma situation...</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop pressuring people about it.  As much as you want your grandmother there, the thing is that she can't be - because she really isn't around anymore.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

This. If your grandma doesn't really know people anymore and the situation would be stressful for her, bringing her to the wedding wouldn't be for her, it would be for you, or your dad, or whoever. I know this is hard - my grandma had Alzheimer's really bad before she passed, and my mom was her main caregiver; it was extremely difficult. GL w/this situation; I feel for you...

squirrly

By don't pressure, I mean don't bring it up.  I would let the venue/caterer know that your grandmother has health problems and her attendance will be a last minute decision - they can likely accommodate either adding a place setting for her at the appropriate table or removing it, as necessary, at the last minute.  Let your parents sort that out however works best for them.

If you want to facilitate discussion on the larger issue, understand that it may be a huge fight, but I wouldn't angle it towards the wedding.  "Mom and Dad, what are your long term plans for grandma?" and go from there.  I'm not sure I would undertake that conversation, though - I just don't see how it's going to turn out well.  If you acknowledge that your dad is in a bit of denial about her condition, maybe take him to lunch and talk to him individually.  Don't try to push him one way or another, just listen.  Express your concerns (he and your mom don't get to live their lives normally, grandma doesn't get to interact with other people outside the house, it causes fights with he and your mom, etc.) if he's open to them, but don't lay blame.  Just that these items worry you.  Let him evaluate those things without a guilt trip either way, as much as possible. 

gailpete

This may not be a popular opinion, but I suggest you talk to your grandma's doctor and explain the strain on your parents.  The doctor may be able to provide an objective third party point of view to your parents, specifically your dad, as to what is best for you grandma.  This is a very difficult time for your Dad, having to face his mother's illness and the guilt that goes with placing her in a care facility.  I know with HIPPA rules she/he probably can't discuss the specifics of her case with you, but you can express some of your concerns and they may be able to help the next time your grandma is in the office with your parents.

Good luck.

cherbein

My dad sees all outside opinions as meddling.  If my mom talks to anyone and they try to talk to my dad about grandma, my mom gets yelled.  Even if mom didn't talk to them, if someone brings up that grandma is getting worse and has he considered alternate care, he assumes my mom said something and she gets yelled at.  It's a true lose-lose situation for my mom and I don't really know how to help her on the larger issue.

Dad has now decreed that grandma is coming to the wedding, but he doesn't want to discuss any details of her being there.  In his mind she is still mentally and emotionally capable of handling the situation.  He won't go to grandma's neurological appointments and claims my mom is making things up when she tells him the doctor says grandma is worse.  I'm afraid this is going to be a total fiasco, but I'm not sure what if anything I can do.  My mom wants nothing to do with her at the wedding and my dad has other duties he should be attending to like walking me down the aisle.  Noone else from my family wants to watch her (its sad, but her other three sons have very little to do with her) and my dad is adament that we can't hire a nurse.  If I go and just hire one myself he'll have a huge blow up fit.  This is going to be a bad situation for everyone involved, including grandma who needs proper care and a way to gracefully exit if things are too much.

Dad has also decided that he won't be putting grandma into respite care the week of the wedding and now its up in the air whether I can get ready at my parents and have my bridesmaid breakfast there.  Grandma tends to be very agitated in the morning and curses and throws things at people when you try to get her to bath.  Having a house full of people there as they are trying to get her through her morning routine would probably not be a great idea.

I really do love my grandma and I know she is sick and its not her fault.  I love my dad too and I do understand its hard for him to come to grips with the fact that grandma is gone.  I also understand why my mom is completely burnt out and that she wants to watch me say my vows not watch my grandma go to the bathroom.  Knowing all these things however does not make the situation easier or point me to anything productive that I can do...

mica178

I think I gave you the wrong address before.  Check out alz.org to see if there's a caregiver support group near where your parents live.  It might help your mom to go to a meeting or join an internet forum to figure out how to handle this sticky situation with your dad and grandma.

gailpete

I'm sorry your dad is in such a state of denial reagrding his mother.  It has to be very difficult for everyone involved.  Can you tell your dad that you want both he and your mom to be able to enjoy the wedding and so you'd like to pay for a nurse to be at the cermony to help with grandma, so that neither he nor your mom miss any of this very special day?  If he should agree, make sure your grandma has met the nurse before the ceremony so she is comfortable with them at the ceremony. 

Be sure to pose the question to him, "Dad, I know you want Grandma at the ceremony, as do I, but what do you suggest we do if she becomes upset or needs to use the bathroom?  Who will take her?"  If he suggests your mother, or himself, say you don't like that idea because you don't want them to miss the ceremony and you can't stop the ceremony to wait for them to care for grandma.  Maybe it will start to sink in.

Good luck, I know this is very difficult for you.

cherbein

My grandfather (who passed away in 1996) left my dad with the legal authority for grandma.  Dad is her oldest son.  Pop Pop also made my dad promise to take care of grandma and never put her in a nursing home which I think adds heavily to dad's denial because he doesn't want to face a situation where he has to make that choice.  I think that if Pop Pop could see grandma now, he'd want what was best for grandma which very soon will need to be full time care.

I appreciate the past poster who recommended the alzheimer's support website.  I'll try to get my parents to look at it.  I know at least my mom will be open to it and maybe it can help her find a way to talk to dad.

gailpete

I know a friend of mine was in a similer situation.  She'd promised her dad that she'd take care of mom.  Mom developed alzheimers and was living with my friend.  Once the disease reached a certain stage, the doctor refused to allow her mom to live with her anymore and insisted on a nursing home, based on what was best for my friend and her mother.  That is why I suggested talking to her doctor. 

Out of curiousity, was your grandma diagnosed with alzheimers before your grandpa died?

cherbein

Grandma had the early stages of Alzheimers before my Pop Pop passed away.  He covered things up for awhile and pretty much handled everything, so the family didn't really know the full situation until after he passed away.  Pop Pop always drove, he handled all the grocery shopping and the cooking, he got grandma new clothes, he handled the bills, he did pretty much everything.  Pop Pop pretty much knew when he was going to die.  Smoking and years of working with asbestos before they knew it was bad had ruined his lungs and when he went in for heart surgery he didn't make it out.  I think it was right before his surgery that he asked dad to take care of grandma.  Grandma was still mostly functional back then, but very forgetful and had to write herself tons of notes.  She later reached a point where she was forgetting to eat and bath and had gotten rather skinny at which point my dad moved her in with him and my mom.  Mentally she has continued to deteriorate as that is the way of this horrible disease, but physically she has been doing much better under my parents care as she is eating properly and going to all of her doctor visits. 

leia1979

OP, I'm very sorry you're in this situation. My mom was also the primary caretaker for my paternal grandmother, who had dementia and was 99 years old when she moved in with us. Fortunately, my dad was a lot more realistic about her situation.

I can understand your dad's reluctance to put her in a home--my dad was the same way. I would suggest researching in-home care. My parents were able to have a nurse come a couple times a week to help care for my grandma. If nothing else, it helped give my mom a break.  Perhaps you can help by finding a nurse or aide who can take care of your grandma for awhile and take some of the stress off your mom.

Good luck to you.

cherbein

Okay, so I kept my mouth shut to let dad cool down some and a minor miracle has occurred...  I think I may owe credit for this to my great aunt (grandma's younger sister), but I'm just going to enjoy my sigh of relief right now and ask no questions

Latest Update:
1. Grandma will be going into respite care starting 2-3 days before the wedding
2. Grandma is going to be attending the wedding
3. Dad is going to hire a nurse

I'm still a little nervous that all of the people will be a bit much for grandma, but at least she now will have someone who's only responsibility is to look out for grandma and who can take her home when she's ready to go.  Dad is happy that grandma is coming.  Mom is happy that she doesn't she is still getting her respite week and she doesn't have to watch grandma at the wedding.  I am hopeful that there won't be anymore drama on this issue...

gailpete

I'm glad hear that things seem to be working out.  I hope things go well for your wedding and your dad starts to accept the reality of the situation.  Perhaps the folks at the respite care facility will be able to talk to him when he goes to pick her up and help him accept that some changes need to be made for the long term.

Good luck and and enjoy your wedding.