family conundrum...

violet355

So, my aunt (one of nicest ladies in the entire universe) called my mom the other day and let it be known that if her daughter and her daughter's wife (mostly the wife) were attending my wedding that she wouldn't come.

recently there's been some drama between the daughter-in-law and my aunt, DIL has offended my aunt so terribly that she wouldn't even tell my mom the whole story but now refuses to be in the same room as her DIL.

I'm totally cool with not inviting my cousin and her wife, even though I don't know what happened, clearly it's awful, since my aunt is such an amazing person, however...

my question is, should i say something to my cousin or to either of her sisters to see if this problem can eventually be solved?  or should i just stay out of it completely?  i just hate to see that my aunt is essentially going to cut her daughter out of her life because her daughter's spouse is being such a terrible person. 

(btw...i'm not getting married til november, so no STD's or invites or anything have been sent out yet)

OliveOilsMom

I wouldn't butt into their family issues since they may spread to your family.  Even if you are trying to help mediate, it may become a big mess. 

If you are fine with not inviting your cousin & wife, then don't invite them.  But is this the only cousin and S/O that won't be invited?  That could become a sticky situation with your cousin later on, when she finds out so many other cousins where invited and she was not.  But if you are inviting no cousins, only aunts/uncles, this wouldn't be an issue.

NOLAbridealmost

Is your aunt's problem that her daughter is in a same sex relationship? 

Call it my politics, but I would never, ever let that be a reason to not invite someone and I'd invite them and tell the aunt to sit on it if she said something else to you.

chrmun

I say invite them all.  They can figure out, among themselves, whether they will attend or not.  You don't need to broker the peace and you don't need to take anyone's side.  In theory, you should be Switzerland. 

(Just in case you want my opinion, though; If your aunt is trying to emotionally blackmail you into cutting people from your guestlist, I question her total awesomeness.)

ahhhitsshannyn

Were you going to invite the Daughter and DIL before? If so, still invite them. Let your aunt know that you would love to see her at the wedding and leave it at that. People should be able to be adults for 4 hours if they really want to be there. It's not fair to make you choose, that would just be stirring up more drama than there already is.

If you were not planning on inviting them anyway, just stay out of it.

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e471b170-941a-4a45-9d56-f086306409fcPost:15b31d8d-562c-4289-94f7-331c8d342948">Re: family conundrum...</a>:
[QUOTE]I say invite them all.  They can figure out, among themselves, whether they will attend or not.  You don't need to broker the peace and you don't need to take anyone's side.  In theory, you should be Switzerland.  (Just in case you want my opinion, though; <strong>If your aunt is trying to emotionally blackmail you into cutting people from your guestlist, I question her total awesomeness</strong>.)
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

Wonderful point Charmin. Blackmail and guilt trips are not usually something awesome people do.

crfische

Charmin said exactly what I was thinking.

chrmun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e471b170-941a-4a45-9d56-f086306409fcPost:ad7c08bb-2452-452e-8ed1-a53adc6e6e75">Re: family conundrum...</a>:
[QUOTE]Charmin said exactly what I was thinking.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I'm very wise, you know.

crfische

I DO KNOW!

Cortney1982

Invite your cousin and her spouse if you want them there.   Don't let your aunt make you look bad.

specialk84

I also agree with Charmin.

Hi, Shan! 

blgrout

You make the guest list, not your aunt.  Invite who you want, and if she has a big enough beef with DIL when it comes time to RSVP, and she would rather miss your wedding than share the same air as her DIL, then she'll decline to show up.  I would definitely stay out of it though.  That's their family drama.

Loopyseven

Ditto PP's.  Stay out of it.  Entirely.  Don't send any of them STD's (or send them to both if you were originally going to invite both).  November is a long ways away.  What's going on now could blow over by then.  I would not let anyone blackmail me into not inviting someone to my wedding.  In fact I'm the type that when someone tells me not to do something or that I can't do something I often try to prove them wrong by doing exactly what they don't want me to do...

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e471b170-941a-4a45-9d56-f086306409fcPost:b6180b73-92a3-4170-b141-2e33985e5bfe">Re: family conundrum...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: family conundrum... : Wonderful point Charmin. <strong>Blackmail and guilt trips are not usually something awesome people do.
</strong>Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

100% agreed.  However "amazing" she is usually, your aunt is being ridiculous right now.  "I won't come if she's there" is something children say, not supposedly amazing, wonderful adults.

ElisabethJoanne

Pretend like you never heard about it, except to prepare something to say to the aunt if she declines because of her problems with your cousin and her wife. This could be water under the bridge by November.

November weddings are great, by the way.

Jaridds68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-conundrum?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e471b170-941a-4a45-9d56-f086306409fcPost:15b31d8d-562c-4289-94f7-331c8d342948">Re: family conundrum...</a>:
[QUOTE]I say invite them all.  They can figure out, among themselves, whether they will attend or not.  You don't need to broker the peace and you don't need to take anyone's side.  In theory, you should be Switzerland.  (Just in case you want my opinion, though;<strong> If your aunt is trying to emotionally blackmail you into cutting people from your guestlist, I question her total awesomeness</strong>.)
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

<div>Yuppers, exactly what I was thinking.</div>

avolker1

I agree with everyone else who has said invite who you want to invite and let them decide if they want to come or not.  My first cousin is getting married in May and my father has been estranged from our family for years, so I would not feel comfortable going if I knew he would be there.  However, I would never say that to the bride because it is my problem not hers and she can invite whoever she wants.  My Aunt (my father's sister) knew the situation and privately told me he would not be attending.  There is no reason your Aunt should have put you in that situation on your wedding day.

SparrowSong

This is not your problem.

Invite the people you want at your wedding. But your guests are in charge of their own issues. 

Your aunt using you as a weapon against her daughter and her partner is really tacky. She should not be putting you in the middle of it. 

Good luck. 

mandctaft

If your aunt means that much to you and you don't mind not inviting your cousin then I wouldn't invite the cousin and wife unless things get worked out. I wouldn't want to risk inviting everyone and then my aunt not come because of the drama. Either way, its their fight and unless they come to you, I'd stay out of it.

violet355

thank you mandctaft, i hope they work things out, i hate to see my family doing this to each other since generally we are all pretty close/get along/ect.  but i guess i'll stay out of it.

and to everyone else, my aunt didn't say anything to me, nor is putting me in a bad position.  i'm pretty sure she just told my mom that things have deteriorated between my aunt and her DIL to the point where she can't even stand to be in the same room with her and mom worried that she might not come to my wedding, gave me a call.

NinaSchwab

Pshh, your aunt may be awesome, but she is certainly not being awesome right now. I have about a million aunts, and I don't want to generalize, but I have to say, aunts are a crazy breed. I'm siding with the majority of the board- if you want them all there, then invite them! This is about you, girl!

rebarobert2012

Stay out of it.  Invite them all, and if your aunt decides not to come because they are coming, that is her choice.  Honestly, I think it's really petty and mean of her to say she won't come just because someone she doesn't want to see is invited.