I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?

srfgirlie5

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Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thought-knew-answer-this-one-but-maybe-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e488ddaa-a418-42aa-a5dd-4d8edb9f7d35Post:42f8aeff-9a12-44e7-8c72-d465dc5c30df">I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I thought it was proper etiquette to invite couples who are married or in a LTR and it's not required or expected to give single people a "plus one". I thought the whole "plus one" thing was just in movies and TV. After talking to some of my friends I'm dead wrong on this one. Apparently single people must be given a "plus one" or they won't come!? I can see how that might be the case if you invite your friend from high school that doesn't know anyone but all of our guests will have friends and or family attending the wedding. Something like this might be OK if you have a small guest list but I've finally got ours down to about 250 people and that's cutting out some family. If I allow all the single people to bring a date we'll be back up to 300 - 350! Also my fiance thinks we should allow his BM to invite a date. I understand that the bridal party should be allowed a date but at the same time I think that's a little nuts because his BM NEVER brings dates anywhere unless he's in a relationship. All the "dates" that I could imagine him bringing will already be invited to the wedding. He's already said that he'd like to bring a date but it's going to be some random girl that no one has met and we'll probably never see her again. Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way but at the same time I just don't see the point... Am I wrong to not allow all the single people to bring a date? Am I wrong to object to his BM bringing a date?
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, you are not wrong about the single people.  If they are truly single, and will have other people they know at the wedding, then they don't need a date.  I would just leave room in your guest list for a few extras in case anyone enters a LTR between now and then.</div><div>
</div><div>Your FI is right about the BM, even if it is just a random guest he is bringing.  If he is important enough to your FI to be the BM, then you should honor his request to bring a guest.</div><div>
</div>

Brandiewine11

You don't HAVE to allow singles to bring a date, but especially for those in the WP and those who don't know anyone else, it is definitely a nice thing to do if you want your guests to have a good time...

pantherRN

You don't HAVE to give all single people dates. I would extend dates to the single members of your wedding party.

misscyndikalene

agree with dnbeach About everything.

srfgirlie5

So then is it the all or nothing thing then? If I extend a date invite to one person (not in bridal party) do I have to extend the invite to all singles?

jemmini6

Did your single friends really tell you that if they don't get a +1 that they won't be attending?  If that's the case, I would simply reply with "you will be missed".  If they are truly single, then no, they do not need a date, especially if they know other people there.

Birdie1483

I agree with PPs.

Even though the BM isn't currently dating someone, you should let him bring a date because he will probably be more comfortable that way (even if he knows a bunch of people). No one likes to be the only single person in a group full of couples. Based on your OP, I think you can swing one extra person for someone who most likely means a lot to your FI.

Beachy730

If your wedding is really not until July 2012, then you definitely won't have a finalized guest list for at least a year now.  H and I met and were engaged within 14 months, so some of your single friends could easily be in serious relationships or even engaged by then.  Just plan for singles not to get guests, but definitely leave some room to play with.

Edited for clarity.  

Also, it doesn't need to be all or nothing, but it can lead to hurt feelings if not.  Especially if you have people in the same circle of friends where some get a guest and others don't.  

srfgirlie5

It was a mix of people, 1 married, 1 engaged, 1 divorced with new LTR and 1 single. They all said I was wrong... I felt the same way as you did by saying well if they're really not going to come because they can't bring a date then they're probably not that good of a friend in the first place...

srfgirlie5

But I totally get the "leave room for extras" because I definately wouldn't want to make someone leave their other half at home because they weren't dating from the beginning.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thought-knew-answer-this-one-but-maybe-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e488ddaa-a418-42aa-a5dd-4d8edb9f7d35Post:3c2a36b0-13e0-4ac7-8fa3-3a413778a086">Re: I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?</a>:
[QUOTE]It was a mix of people, 1 married, 1 engaged, 1 divorced with new LTR and 1 single. They all said I was wrong... I felt the same way as you did by saying well if they're really not going to come because they can't bring a date then they're probably not that good of a friend in the first place...
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

<div>They are wrong, not you.  Just change the subject when they say that.  You are well within your etiquette rights not to extend guests if they are truly single and have others they know at the wedding.  However if you have 1 single friend in a group of married and LTR friends, I might give them a date so they aren't the odd man out.  However, I wouldn't be cutting out family and other close friends just for random guests.</div>

pantherRN

Ditto beachy. In FI's group of HS friends, there are only one or two people who are truly single as of right now. We'll be inviting them with a guest, they've said more than once that they don't like to be the only single person in a group of couples, especially at a wedding.

jaycee7389

as someone said earlier, you have a while to finalize your guest list and some of your single guests may be in relationships by then and some of your non-single friends may no longer be.

you absolutely should give plus 1s to people in relationships. you are not required to give single people plus 1s, but it is definitely nice if you can. and yes, some of them may not come if they do not have dates if they don't think they will know anyone. chances are though that the single guests will have other single friends at your wedding and be fine with this. also, your fi is correct, everyone in the BP should get plus 1s regardless.

ggirl2001

Quick side note: when I logged in it said that this post had 109 posts, I was thinking WTF happened in the 1/2 hr I went on the treadmill.

But back to OP, you absolutely do not have to invite singles with plus 1's. I am not, except for one friend who will not really know anyone and would be traveling alone, however I know the person he plans to bring and I actually used to be very good friends with her and we still hang out occasionally. He was the only exception. Everyone else that is invited without a plus 1 knows a ton of people who will be there and are already planning their trip and room situation (I'm having a DW).

Definitely extend the plus 1 to your BM though.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Honestly, it's NICE to give everyone a plus one, but if you can't you can't, and etiquette does say that you don't NEED to except in specific circumstances.

I would give the BM one, though. It's just one. Don't judge his choice. He likely won't bring someone anyway.

bunchkin09

Etiquette-wise, you are totally right. The rule of tumb is that if the person hasn't been in a relationship for over a year, they get invited as a single. I followed this rule and a friend that is very important to me sent a "regret" after checking with me if she could bring a date and I said "No". We don't have room in our budget for random strangers, nor did we want them to share our big day. The correct response is something like, "We'd really like to have you there, but our budget doesn't allow for all of our single friends to bring a date." I'd say tell your single friends to ask someone that is already invited to the wedding to be their date. That's what happened here. Our officiant (which is also a friend of the friend) told her he'd be her date and now she's attending. Everything worked out.

We did allow the BM to bring a date, however. He's the only one in our bridal party that isn't married or in a LTR and I think the BM deserves that much.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thought-knew-answer-this-one-but-maybe-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e488ddaa-a418-42aa-a5dd-4d8edb9f7d35Post:914c4f36-0e44-431b-9b9e-f36fea882b85">Re: I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette-wise, you are totally right. <strong>The rule of tumb is that if the person hasn't been in a relationship for over a year, they get invited as a single</strong>. I followed this rule and a friend that is very important to me sent a "regret" after checking with me if she could bring a date and I said "No". We don't have room in our budget for random strangers, nor did we want them to share our big day. The correct response is something like, "We'd really like to have you there, but our budget doesn't allow for all of our single friends to bring a date." I'd say tell your single friends to ask someone that is already invited to the wedding to be their date. That's what happened here. Our officiant (which is also a friend of the friend) told her he'd be her date and now she's attending. Everything worked out. We did allow the BM to bring a date, however. He's the only one in our bridal party that isn't married or in a LTR and I think the BM deserves that much.
Posted by bunchkin09[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure if I'm reading the bolded part right. Are you saying that they have to be dating their SO for a year for an invite or if they hadn't dated anyone in over a year?

Beachy730

Bunchkin your are wrong. One year is a very long time to make the cutoff for guests. H and I were very serious after only a few months, and some people are married within a year. Who are you to say their relationships aren't serious because it hasn't been a year? Every relationship is different and should be treated as such. Arbitrary cut offs of a length of time are rude, and will leave your friends pissed at you for not thinking their relationships are serious by your standards.

pantherRN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thought-knew-answer-this-one-but-maybe-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e488ddaa-a418-42aa-a5dd-4d8edb9f7d35Post:914c4f36-0e44-431b-9b9e-f36fea882b85">Re: I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Etiquette-wise, you are totally right. The rule of tumb is that if the person hasn't been in a relationship for over a year, they get invited as a single.
Posted by bunchkin09[/QUOTE]

Source? This is not correct.

KelaRenee

A year?  FI and I haven't even been together for a year.  That's a crazy long time before someone is considered in a long term relationship.

Also, BM should get a +1. 

marinabreeze

I also think a year is kind of arbitrary.  My FI and I were engaged before we had been together a year.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yeah, the rule is "in a relationship" - period.

Birdie1483

I don't like it when people use the term "random stranger." It should be more like "person who my friend/family care about enough to bring on a date."  It just sounds really selfish and snotty.

kw44932

If they are really single and will know others, then they don't need to be extend a plus-1.  However, if they're in a relationship, living with their SO, etc, then I feel as though they should have a date.  I don't think it's right to make your guests sit there at an event to celebrate love without their SO there with them. 

felcurt

I have done the same thing and actually put on the response cards, how many "seats" were reserved. My FI's Aunt had a little fit because she wanted to bring her friendwho we've only met once, but apparently "she really likes us and wants to go" well sorry sister but there's lots of people that we actually do know and we want them to be there but budget constraints just didn't allow it... Eventually it worked out as we obviously had some declines, but his whole family will be there so it's not like she would of been alone. And about the BM, why would he want to bring a date anyways? She would be by herself, since he would be standing at the ceremony with you and he would be sitting at the head table at the reception..

Thats my two cents, hope it all works out for you!!

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thought-knew-answer-this-one-but-maybe-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e488ddaa-a418-42aa-a5dd-4d8edb9f7d35Post:6667deb8-47b7-423b-aae5-11ff75001389">Re: I thought I knew the answer to this one but maybe not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have done the same thing and actually put on the response cards, how many "seats" were reserved. My FI's Aunt had a little fit because she wanted to bring her friendwho we've only met once, but apparently "she really likes us and wants to go" well sorry sister but there's lots of people that we actually do know and we want them to be there but budget constraints just didn't allow it... Eventually it worked out as we obviously had some declines, but his whole family will be there so it's not like she would of been alone. And about the BM, why would he want to bring a date anyways? She would be by herself, since he would be standing at the ceremony with you and <strong>he would be sitting at the head table at the reception</strong>.. Thats my two cents, hope it all works out for you!!
Posted by felcurt[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not nice to separate dates.  Head tables really aren't popular anymore for this very reason.</div>

jess0906

For budget purposes this is how we broke it down.
Everyone in the WP got a + 1
Obviously married couples were both invited
Engaged quests got a +1
All others got no +1 unless the specificly asked if they could bring a date.