compromise possition???

36798099

in planning for DD's wedding the decision had been made to not have children. there were several reasons behind this but a major one is the fact that the grooms older half sisters children are a bunch of badly behaved animals and rather than trying to cherry pick..'this child yes..this child no' the polite thing to do was just not include children as guests. the only children are the flower girl and ring bearer. this was agreed by all involved (ourselves, DD and groom). his family then raised holy hell about it, even though they are not contributing one penny to anything. his mothers comment was 'so order some extra chicken...what is the big deal'. i realize this woman and her older daughters have not one idea of what a formal wedding entails or the costs involved (neither his mother nor her older daughter have ever been married to any of the fathers of their assorted children)...or honestly our common fear of the destruction these children can cause...and no way i know of to get it across without being rude. after much back and forth DD and i think we have a compromise that will work.
some background to explain...there are 4 children involved in this issue...two belong to his middle half sister and are mostly well behaved but lacking a bit in manners but it is workable...the other 2 belong to the eldest half sister and it is a hot mess. the oldest boy is 15-16? and suffers from very severe autism, he is terrified of new situations and when does not receive his way becomes very violent (i think it is cruel of this woman to want to drag this child into a situation that will hit his every trigger and honestly put others in danger if he goes off as i have seen him do) the other child is 12-13 and i have no idea what the actual issue is for him?? over the top brattiness?? i'm not sure but he is the final 'straw' that made us say no kids.
so that is a small bit of the basic understory. they will not drop having them all come and 'be involved' so we are proposing have the middle half sisters kids involved in the wedding...the 7-8?? year old will be the escort for the flower girl and the other boy 16 will be the 'assistant' usher...with the clear understanding that they must all be clean (yes that is an issue with the middle boys) and dressed to match the wedding party...no jeans or t-shirts. the problem boys, if their mother stays with them and supervises may hand out the bubbles after the ceremony, but only if she stays right with them and keeps them under control...otherwise they are not involved. no other children will be invited unless they are small babies. DD and groom are very pleased with this idea and feel it is a fair compromise.
at the reception the original plan was to have mixed tables for both sides of the families. that will not be done now (i can't inflict these children on others) so at his idea they will all share a table together. it will be at the back corner away from most of the crowd. the hope is this will provide a) a calm spot for the disabled child and b) keep the brat from spitting/throwing food on the others guests.i believe his mother will be happy with this as well as the table is the farthest from both the DJ and the bar...as she is furious they are serving at the reception...
does this sound fair?

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_compromise-possition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5684e6b-dd82-442c-b7b4-6e76cf0e8e45Post:b3abf50c-ce7c-42f9-9a6d-9ae3e6ff4e6d">compromise possition???</a>:
[QUOTE]in planning for DD's wedding the decision had been made to not have children. there were several reasons behind this but a major one is the fact that the grooms older half sisters children are a bunch of badly behaved animals and rather than trying to cherry pick..'this child yes..this child no' the polite thing to do was just not include children as guests. the only children are the flower girl and ring bearer. this was agreed by all involved (ourselves, DD and groom). his family then raised holy hell about it, <strong>even though they are not contributing one penny to anything</strong>. his mothers comment was 'so order some extra chicken...what is the big deal'. i realize this woman and her older daughters have not one idea of what a formal wedding entails or the costs involved <strong>(neither his mother nor her older daughter have ever been married to any of the fathers of their assorted children)</strong>...or honestly our common fear of the destruction these children can cause...and no way i know of to get it across without being rude. after much back and forth DD and i think we have a compromise that will work. some background to explain...there are 4 children involved in this issue...two belong to his middle half sister and are mostly well behaved but lacking a bit in manners but it is workable...the other 2 belong to the eldest half sister and it is a hot mess. the oldest boy is 15-16? and suffers from very severe autism, he is terrified of new situations and when does not receive his way becomes very violent (i think it is cruel of this woman to want to drag this child into a situation that will hit his every trigger and honestly put others in danger if he goes off as i have seen him do) the other child is 12-13 and i have no idea what the actual issue is for him?? over the top brattiness?? i'm not sure but he is the final 'straw' that made us say no kids. so that is a small bit of the basic understory. they will not drop having them all come and 'be involved' so we are proposing have the middle half sisters kids involved in the wedding...the 7-8?? year old will be the escort for the flower girl and the other boy 16 will be the 'assistant' usher...with the clear understanding that they must all be clean (yes that is an issue with the middle boys) and dressed to match the wedding party...no jeans or t-shirts. the problem boys, if their mother stays with them and supervises may hand out the bubbles after the ceremony, but only if she stays right with them and keeps them under control...otherwise they are not involved. no other children will be invited unless they are small babies. DD and groom are very pleased with this idea and feel it is a fair compromise. at the reception the original plan was to have mixed tables for both sides of the families. that will not be done now (i can't inflict these children on others) so at his idea they will all share a table together. it will be at the back corner away from most of the crowd. the hope is this will provide a) a calm spot for the disabled child and b) keep the brat from spitting/throwing food on the others guests.i believe his mother will be happy with this as well as the table is the farthest from both the DJ and the bar...as she is furious they are serving at the reception... does this sound fair?
Posted by lisareinbold[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow, judge much?   The fact that these mothers are not married to the fathers of their children is completely irrelevant to the whole equation.   And it's the couple's responsibility to pay for the wedding, so that detail is also irrelevant.</div><div>
</div><div>Invite children or don't invite children.   While it's technically okay to invite some children but not others, I think you really run the risk of huring feelings and causing drama.  In my opinion, either it IS a child-friendly event, or it's NOT.   If it's not child friendly (venue not suitable, late at night, open bar, or whatever), then don't invite ANY kids.   If it IS child-friendly, then invite the kids that are important to the couple, and not others.   But like I said, you really run the risk of alienating people whose kids aren't invited.    If you're worried about kids being holy terrors at the venue, then it sounds to me like the whole event is non-child-friendly, and you should just not invite ANY kids and be done with it.</div><div>
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36798099

it may come off sounding judgmental, but after listening to his mother preach at all of us i'm on my last nerve with the woman. i also think it is a valid point...they have never married nor been involved with the planning of a wedding so don't understand what is involved or the costs. given the choice there would be no children at the reception. it is an evening reception and is not child friendly. these 4 kids are only being included at the rabid insistence of the grooms mother. yes, i do think the fact i am paying for a large portion of the wedding gives me some say. we have tried very hard to accommodate her requests...the bar will be in an attached room so she 'doesn't have to see it'. actually each of your points towards the reception is true which was why the original 'no kids'...given personal choice it would still be in effect but compromising on it to try and keep the piece. the compromise being the inclusion of these 4 children and not the arbitrary open offer 'bring everybody'....sigh, i don't want to be a witch about it but i will not let her destroy my daughters wedding dreams either

Sharpschruter22

I'm confused. So the reason you don't want children is because of only a couple problem children...but now those are the only children invited? I would stick to my guns and continue to say sorry..no kids. It makes no sense why now only the problem kids are invited. You are only rewarding her bad behavior for allowing that. I'm with Avion. Either no kids or all kids. I don't really see a happy medium.I'm not having kids at my wedding and went through holy hell with my cousin over it, but its my wedding. If her angels can't come then she should consider staying home with them. Eta.added info.

Sassenach1743

Do not rely on the mothers staying with and keeping control of their problem children during your event. They obviously don't do that to begin with, hence the chaos you are trying to avoid. 

Just don't invite any children at all. No kids. Period.

They are going to be mad no matter what. Decide how much you and the couple getting married actually care. And remember, there is no compromising with people who have no social couth. They will seek out the drama however possible because it's more fun for them. You've already shown them your weak spot and they will continue to press it until you break and they win by either causing a scene or making you miserable and stressed... or all of the above. 

Basically you need to decide how important this is for you and the bridal couple. Good luck!

StephBeanWed61502

Anyone else notice how DD's FI appears to be getting no say whatsoever in how his own family is being treated?

OP, unless your daugther is marrying you (and I don't know of any states where that's legal, so I'm assuming she's not), back off and let your daughter and her fiance decide, together, what they want to do about this situation, and then they can communicate their decision about their wedding accordingly.

Just because you're paying for the wedding (which you made it sound like you are) doesn't mean you get to dictate how your daughter and her FI handle relationships with his family.  If they want the kids there doing all of those ridiculous, made-up nonsense jobs, great, let them do that.  If they don't, and these "jobs" were just your way of trying to appease the kids' mothers, then let the bride and groom be the ones to decide whether to appease his sisters that way or to hold the "no kids" line.  Either way, I don't think this is a decision you should be so involved in.

jessicabessica

I think it's really up to your FSIL.  I get that you're paying, but it seems like you care what your daughter and her FI think and want (which is good and appropriate).  This has the potential to seriously affect his relationship with his family, so I think whether or not you all compromise should really be up to him.  

I don't think you need to give them "jobs," though, if they are invited.  You can invite immediate family only kids and draw a line there, you don't have to include them all somehow with little tasks to make the exception ok.

lyndausvi

IDK -  my parents are very anti-kids at weddings (my cousins grabbed their cake with their hands before the cake cutting, so there is history there).    They paid for the wedding.  Even so they respected MY choice of wanting my nieces and nephews at the wedding.  They were the only kids and If others could not recognized why they were there and not their little ones, that's on them. IMO for my situation their relationship to me warranted the invite, NOT that they happen to be kids of another guest.   (I understand others don't feel the same way and I respect that.   Just stating how I feel)

I get FSIL agreed to not having his nieces/nephews, but did he have a change of heart.?  I'm not just saying because of pressure from his mom, but do you think he just agreed to be nice, but really feels the same way about the subject as his mom?

So basically I don't have  a problem with inviting just them, because that is what I did.    

HOWEVER  I get the impression from the remarks on their attire, the disable kid, etc that bascialy you are embrassed by them and don't want your family and friends to know your DD is marrying into such a family.   Putting them back in the corner?  Really?  You sound like a snobby peach.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_compromise-possition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5684e6b-dd82-442c-b7b4-6e76cf0e8e45Post:b46ba9e6-f6a8-41d8-9453-5bc9181280d3">Re: compromise possition???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to compromise possition??? : Would it be so hard for FSIL, your daughter, or yourself to pick up the phone, call this boy's mother and ask what you, as the host, can do to make him comfortable? It is pretty obvious to me that his disability has put a strain on his family, probably causes the other boy to act out (maybe he needs more attention?), and instead of being sympathetic to their plight, you judge and offer to stuff them in a corner as some grand bargain. Come on. I think you can do better. These people are going to be your daughter's relatives, and are important to your future son-in-law, so why don't you try to be gracious instead of treating them like a burden and an embarassment. I'd bet they get enough of that treatment from strangers, they certianly don't need to be excluded by family also.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Liatris said it much better.

OliveOilsMom

Let your DD and FSIL decide themselves if they want children there or not.  Then based on their decision, go from there.  If they come back and say no kids, then it's up to FSIL to let his mom and half-sister know that kids are not invited except for the WP.  And if either of them put up a fuss, then he just simply says, this is what FI and I decided, I'm sorry you aren't happy with our decision, but it's final.  And from then on, he and your DD should not engage with FSIL's family on the children issue, since it has been decided.  But again, this is DD and FSIL's decision to make!

Jen4948

Probably the safest position you can take is to simply stand by "I'm sorry, no kids are invited, no exception" and stick with that with everyone.  No explanations about the autism, not having babysitters or anything else.

Kate61487

ditto PPs - let your daughter and her FI decide this just the two of them.  It's their family and they'll be the ones living with the potential backlash for years to come.

The only other comment I'll add is that at this point it sounds like "no kids AT ALL" isn't an option.  You mention a FG and RB; presumably they have already been asked to fill these roles and as such need to be included, regardless of what is decided for the other children. 

36798099

CMGr lol...FSIL is a delightful man who the entire family loves, in my very biased opinion he and DD will have absolutely adorable children           i've not done a good job expressing myself on this. i am for all intents and purposes acting as the wedding coordinator for the wedding. FSIL is an active duty marine and is stationed halfway across the country, DD is finishing up her college degree here and works as a swim instructor to small children. his family is 2 states away. i am the contact conduit between them all. i have not expressed my personal feelings regards this situation out load to anyone but you ladies. my goal is to keep the drama down and everything on an even keel. i do the leg work and DD and FSIL let me know yes, no, maybe or try something new...so the planning is a group effort in some ways.                 no, i am not ashamed of these other children. they are not mine and i am not responsible for how they behave or don't behave as the case may be. yes there is a great deal more to the back story and recent events have not lead me to have fond feelings for FSIL's extended family. he is not close to them and deals with them only as a concession to his mother and his own kind heart. 
yes there will be 2 children in the original plan, the thought being as part of the wedding party it provided a reasonable exception to the 'no children'....which is where the thought came in to include the others also as part of the wedding party so they  would be covered by the same 'umbrella excuse'...
i should add FSIL was able to get leave and he and DD will be spending christmas with his family and will present this option to them in-person and together so there can be no confusion. the hope being this will prevent more drama as the wedding gets closer. i would just call and speak with his mother but when she gets in one of her snits she refuses to speak in english and my spanish isn't up to this level.