Feuding Parents Seating

uidancer

My parents divorced several years ago but for all intents and purposes, they hate each other. My dad will need to be as far away from my mom and her side of the family as possible. This won't be too difficult at the reception, but what do I do about the ceremony? If I seat him on my side, he'll need to be placed several rows behind them, which is weird. If I place him on my FI's side, where exactly should he sit in relation to my FI's parents and sister?

Wedding planning wouldn't be too difficult if it weren't for my family drama!

crash2729

Does your Dad have any opinion on where he should sit? (Besides away from your mother that is?)

HockeyFan4

Don't do sides for the ceremony.  Just let people sit where they want.

Simply Fated

I'd scrap "sides" for the ceremony. This rarely works out well, anyway, because the bride and groom's families are hardly ever even. Usually it's recommended for people to just be seated closest to the front, as they arrive, regardless of what "side" they're on. This is also helpful when it comes to friends who aren't sure which side they're supposed to sit on.

Either way (even if you decide to do sides)...
I'd ask your dad and mom if they can sit in the same row for the ceremony. Let them know that it's up to them to fight it out and that you won't move one to another row. If they don't want to sit near the other parent, THEY can move to a different row. Bottom line, let them fight it out and stay out of it.

uidancer

I asked my dad to think about it but think I should have a few ideas to help avoid a situation. If I decide not to do "sides" (which I think is a great idea), isn't there still etiquette for how the family of the couple is seated? Or is more like the first row or two are reserved for the couple's family?

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:939ff51d-bb6a-40f0-b92f-3690ff1d8cad">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd scrap "sides" for the ceremony. This rarely works out well, anyway, because the bride and groom's families are hardly ever even. Usually it's recommended for people to just be seated closest to the front, as they arrive, regardless of what "side" they're on. This is also helpful when it comes to friends who aren't sure which side they're supposed to sit on. Either way (even if you decide to do sides)... I'd ask your dad and mom if they can sit in the same row for the ceremony.<strong> Let them know that it's up to them to fight it out and that you won't move one to another row.</strong> If they don't want to sit near the other parent, THEY can move to a different row. Bottom line, let them fight it out and stay out of it.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
IMO, I can't see this turning out well. <div>
</div><div>If you want to put your Dad on FI's side, I think behind FI's parents would be okay.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I was in a similar situation with divorced parents and if I had told them "First come, first serve, fight for your seat yourself". It would have been exactly that: a screaming match in the Chapel. </div><div>So, I may be projecting a little bit here.</div>

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:a3de826e-4a52-4cc4-8116-92c751c0f9ef">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my dad to think about it but think I should have a few ideas to help avoid a situation. If I decide not to do "sides" (which I think is a great idea), isn't there still etiquette for how the family of the couple is seated? <strong>Or is more like the first row or two are reserved for the couple's family?</strong>
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
I think the first couple of rows are usually reserved.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:d76a9ad6-3cf7-4f98-9360-86c9b005d29f">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feuding Parents Seating : IMO, I can't see this turning out well.  If you want to put your Dad on FI's side, I think behind FI's parents would be okay. ETA: I was in a similar situation with divorced parents and if I had told them "First come, first serve, fight for your seat yourself". It would have been exactly that: a screaming match in the Chapel.  So, I may be projecting a little bit here.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
My parents are divorced, too, but my situation is very different. I told them from the start to "leave me out of it" anytime one of them so much as tried to put me in the middle of anything. It hasn't worked out perfectly, like how my dad still asks me uncomfortable questions about my mom sometimes and that sort of thing.

I think that even if OP tries to assign them a seat, there could still be friction if they're upset with what she has chosen. I think it could potentially be a no-win situation for the OP, which is why I suggest she remove herself from the argument over seating.

pokepoke27

I agree with SimplyFated about scrapping sides. And yes, you would have the first however many rows you need reserved for immediate family of the bride and groom.

HandBanana

Is there any way they could set aside dramas for one day? Not suggesting that you seat them together but I would worry first come first serve would turn into a fight, as PP pointed out.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:b68eba32-89af-4403-af13-aa203435094d">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feuding Parents Seating : My parents are divorced, too, but my situation is very different. I told them from the start to "leave me out of it" anytime one of them so much as tried to put me in the middle of anything. It hasn't worked out perfectly, like how my dad still asks me uncomfortable questions about my mom sometimes and that sort of thing<strong>. I think that even if OP tries to assign them a seat, there could still be friction if they're upset with what she has chosen. I think it could potentially be a no-win situation for the OP, which is why I suggest she remove herself from the argument over seating.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Which is a good point. <div>I assigned seats I tried to reach a compromise but my mother wasn't having any of it. But I'd rather have her unhappy then have the whole family fighting over seats the day of. </div>

Marrin713

Coming from the viewpoint of the parent who will face this situ one of these days, I would hope that the xH and I could conduct ourselves accordingly.  I am remarried so I hope that H and I would be seated together at the ceremony, but if son and his fiancee decide differently, such as seating me with xH, well, I'd grin and bear it.  However, I have no hatred for xH or his family, so there's that. 

uidancer

Thanks for your thoughts all. I'll continue to think on it, but meanwhile my FI is talking with my father to help take the stress off me. He's basically telling him what all of you have said - put aside the drama for one day - my day. Hopefully he'll realize that I'm more important than his residual anger from a divorce 14 years ago.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:699d896d-882d-4012-b974-cd54c31a0b81">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts all. I'll continue to think on it, but meanwhile my FI is talking with my father to help take the stress off me. He's basically telling him what all of you have said - put aside the drama for one day - my day. Hopefully he'll realize that I'm more important than his residual anger from a divorce 14 years ago.
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
Where does your mom stand in all this? Does she care where she sits?

Lisa50

Is there any way they can sit in the same pew -- just with someone else (their significant others, perhaps) between them?

As with Marrin, I will face this in a few years (or decade or more).  I love my son with all my heart and will happily sit wherever parents of the groom are told to go.  If that means sitting next to my ex-husband with current hubby on my other side, so be it.  I'll grin and bear it.  Ours was a nasty divorce, but that was then (almost 15 years ago); this is now.

I hope your parents get their respective acts together.  Good luck!

uidancer

I haven't talked to my mom about it yet but I honestly don't think it's a big deal for her. If she has to sit in his vicinity for a few hours, she'll do it.

Lisa - it sounds like your divorce is similar to my parents in terms of time and intensity. Though everyone is different, can you imagine your or his anger being THAT strong this many years later? I just wonder if maybe there is something else fueling this that doesn't have anything to do with my mother. We're doing a destination so perhaps he has an issue with money, etc.

zizibet

Accordinr to Miss Manners, etc. in these cases the bride's mother is seated in the front pew, the bride's father in the third row. That said, I think the idea of scrapping sides may be better.

willywally5

I'm the step MOB. We are hosting, have been helping with much of the planning and get along great with DD. (Bio mom has pretty much no interest in any of it except the BP, but that's another story.)

Husband and I are not big fans of DD's bio mom; she doesn't like us either. I cannot speak for bio mom, but I'll be damned if we are going to act like children and ruin the day for DD and her FI. I don't care if she says something hidieous or snarky, I will bite my tongue freakin' OFF if needed to avoid drama. Bio mom's family is alright; her mother is a manipulative loon but she's been that way forever so whatevs. She is also ancient, so they won't stay long. 

I am guessing all the parents will sit in the front row, probably my H on the end (after he walks DD down the aisle), me, then bio mom and her H. If not, we can roll with it. The ceremony will last all of about 20 minutes. We are grownups. We can handle that. 

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:13f8fa66-fe0c-4f04-9b8a-1d5751258c26">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]Accordinr to Miss Manners, etc. in<strong> these cases the bride's mother is seated in the front pew, the bride's father in the third row.</strong> That said, I think the idea of scrapping sides may be better.
Posted by zizibet[/QUOTE]

<div>My DD would NEVER go for this. Her father has been the only constant in her life, by far her main parent and she would sooner die than not have him in the front row, probably even closest to her during the ceremony. She'd tell mIss Manners to suck it on that one. ; )</div><div>
</div><div>In fact, I'd tell Miss Manners to suck it on that one. Just because a parent is female doesn't mean she did Jack Squat to deserve that honored spot. For dumb. </div><div>
</div><div>(Zizi, not telling YOU to suck it. Just Miss Manners.)</div>

WildMagelet

I would also ditch the sides and have people sit where they want.  Some of the weddings I've been to didn't even have an aisle down the middle so the first row was reserved for immediate family, the second for extended family, etc.  

My parents are also divorced, but I'd expect them to grow up and not* act like children for my wedding day.  They can tolerate being in the same row of chairs for 20 minutes.  Its not like I'm asking them to sit in eachothers' laps.

Edited: my keyboard ate a word.

coopsbaby

Do you have siblings or grandparents or anyone who can sit between them to act as a buffer? 

It's too bad that he can't just suck it up. I fully expect to have to sit by exH when our kids get married. I'd rather not, but I'd also rather not see him on a regular basis or talk to him ever again, but I do for my kids. He's their dad, and they love him. And since I love them, I'll do whatever makes them happy. It's such a shame when parents can't see that!

I hope he comes around and decides to just go with whatever you want!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:6c9a2798-73ef-4ef5-a4a8-06ba1eed9912">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't talked to my mom about it yet but I honestly don't think it's a big deal for her. If she has to sit in his vicinity for a few hours, she'll do it. Lisa - it sounds like your divorce is similar to my parents in terms of time and intensity. Though everyone is different, can you imagine your or his anger being THAT strong this many years later? I just wonder if maybe there is something else fueling this that doesn't have anything to do with my mother. We're doing a destination so perhaps he has an issue with money, etc.
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
Talk to your mom and see if she cares. If she doesn't care, plant her in the front row. Then, tell your dad that he can sit anywhere he wants, but "this" is where your mom is sitting. he can choose to give up the front row or not. <div>This way, you're "rewarding" the mature parent and making the immature parent work around that.</div>

IdoIdo2014

I personally agree with tossing the sides idea, however, me, I would tell my parents that this my wedding day and I expect them to behave like grown folks for one day. Its not going to kill them to put their differences aside and be civil with one another for their daughter's wedding day. They need to remember that you were created at a time in their lives when they were happy and this isnt the first and wont be the last time the have to be around each other because of you. Tell them to put on their big boy/girl panties on and behave just for that day and they can go back to full battle rattle the next day lol before my mom passed, my parents always set their issues with each other aside for me bc guess what, today its your wedding, tomorrow its family gatherings/holidays to grandchildren. They have to find a common ground for the greater good hun. Good luck!

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feuding-parents-seating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e57f12af-889a-45da-922c-da04b03b51d4Post:a3de826e-4a52-4cc4-8116-92c751c0f9ef">Re: Feuding Parents Seating</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my dad to think about it but think I should have a few ideas to help avoid a situation. If I decide not to do "sides" (which I think is a great idea), isn't there still etiquette for how the family of the couple is seated? Or is more like the first row or two are reserved for the couple's family?
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]


Put your mother (and SO if applicable) in the first row.
Put your father (and SO if applicable) in the second row.

Tell them the very least they can do is act like adults for an hour and if they cannot,  they can skip your wedding