Wedding Etiquette Forum

Family Drama NWR

I just need to vent, because there is no advice to be given.

Background: my brother (26) is engaged to this girl (25).  The two of them (especially her) are rather immature.  They both have B.A.'s (art and English, respectively), but can't find jobs in their fields.  My brother is currently working at McDonald's while he attends classes to get his teaching license and be a teacher.  She works at Home Depot.  My family was a bit uneasy when they announced their engagement a year ago, simply because we had never even met her, and it felt rather rushed.  But they were to have a two year engagement, so we hoped it would all work out.

In August, we were all together for a family thing, when FSIL starts jabbering on about how she waited so long to get married that they want to start a family right away.  My aunt (I couldn't believe how polite she was being at this proclamation) tried to tell her how much babies cost, but FSIL assured her that since they weren't saving for the wedding they would have money.  I know for a fact their "saving for the wedding" constituted about $50/month.  They just don't have any money.

My brother calls last night, "Guess what! You're going to have a 2 week old niece or nephew at your wedding in May!"

WHAT!?! He sounded excited, but he also said that it was unplanned.  From my mom, I learned that FSIL was on BC, although I have my suspicions that perhaps she wasn't diligent about taking it.   I have been on it successfully for several years.  No babies here!  (side note, I do know that it's not 100%, just venting).

Of course, none of this matters, because it won't change anything.  Slapping them upside the head won't change the fact that in May, there will be a baby.  It's just hard to get excited at the moment.  My mom is really sad that she's not excited when her kid calls to tell her that he's having a baby.

Any thoughts?  Suggestions for having babies really cheaply? 
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Re: Family Drama NWR

  • Oh man......sounds planned to me!  I feel bad for your mom, I've seen disappointment TWICE on my moms face when each of my sisters got KU in unstable relationships.

    Well - since they aren't married, I'm sure with her working at Home Depot she'll qualify for some assistance, she should really begin looking into that now for her prenatal care and they can point in her in the direction for help when the baby comes.

    She's going to need it - they're both also going to need your full support.  The fact is, it's coming, and it's not the baby's fault, so you guys have to get over the disappointment and do what you can for the baby.  I'm sure you won't be anything but great once the shock wears off. 

    It's too bad they don't realize how hard it is going to be to dig themselves out of the financial hole they're going to create by not having stable jobs yet.  :( 

    Love you MP
  • Thanks, Stacks.  I knew you'd have great ideas.  It's so frustrating to not be happy right now.

    I know that my mom is having my brother look into the health care aspect immediately, so hopefully that will be resolved.

    Love ya back, Miss Stack!
  • Join the military & get married asap.  That's the only thing that comes to mind, but it's got some definite drawbacks. 

    Babies & cheap don't really belong in the same sentence.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:edb9346e-2e89-4db1-9d42-3615535c35d0">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh man......sounds planned to me!  I feel bad for your mom, I've seen disappointment TWICE on my moms face when each of my sisters got KU in unstable relationships. Well - since they aren't married, I'm sure with her working at Home Depot she'll qualify for some assistance, she should really begin looking into that now for her prenatal care and they can point in her in the direction for help when the baby comes. She's going to need it - they're both also going to need your full support.  The fact is, it's coming, and it's not the baby's fault, so you guys have to get over the disappointment and do what you can for the baby.  I'm sure you won't be anything but great once the shock wears off.  It's too bad they don't realize how hard it is going to be to dig themselves out of the financial hole they're going to create by not having stable jobs yet.  :(  Love you MP
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    And I hope it all worked out for your sisters!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:cbf28237-6de0-419f-9ceb-725e1630935f">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]Join the military & get married asap.  That's the only thing that comes to mind, but it's got some definite drawbacks.  Babies & cheap don't really belong in the same sentence.
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, that would be my OTHER brother who is in the USMC.  Actually this one can't join the military due to physical issues.

    I know you were just joking though.   Good luck with your little one.  I'm sure YOU put some thought into it.
  • Babies aren't cheap, but there are ways to cut costs.

    Encourage mom to breastfeed, if she can.

    Cloth diapering is cheaper than disposable.

    Buy used equipment/toys/furniture off craigslist. 

    Have her look into WIC or other government assistance.

    Also, I agree with Stacks on this one.  While it's not an ideal situation, it's not the baby's fault.  Be there to support your brother however you can, for the sake of your niece/nephew.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • better them than you, right!? *looks around*

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:937b4a98-66b3-4948-8f5b-ef092896e0e8">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Drama NWR : And I hope it all worked out for your sisters!
    Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

    My parents raised my nephew, who is now 16 and calls my sister by her first name and his dad hasn't contacted him since he was 6 months old.  My other sister makes it work, thankfully.  She's kind of out there, but unlike my oldest nephew, his dad is fully in the picture which helps a lot. 

    That's one thing your brother has going for him in the situation, he's there for her.  As long as he's supporting her and they're working together, they can make it work, not easily - but they can make it work.  You'd be surprised.  So just get your brothers back. 
  • [QUOTE]better them than you, right!? *looks around*
    Posted by vallyhoo[/QUOTE]

    That's what I was going to say. Mind meld!
  • Thanks, Tide.  I swear I was just talking with someone the other day about how breastfeeding is so much cheaper.  (duh!)

    Great suggestions, though.  I know we'll get through it.  It was just a shock.

    HA HA VALLY! 
  • Is he elligible for the national guard?  There are two units here - one currently deployed, and one deploying soon.  He could buy the military insurance through it, even if he's not activated.  And, I *think* the deployments are technically voluntary.  If that's not a possibility, there are a lot of civilian jobs at military installations (Coast Guard base in the North End, Hanscomb AFB in Concord, there's a military ATC/AWCS installation on the Cape, I think.).  Those have good insurance too, and pay decently. 

    In terms of daycare, it looks like a nanny is actually cheaper than school type daycare. 

    Stacks is right about assistance.  She needs to apply ASAP.  It can take a bit.  Even once they get married she's still likely to qualify if their employment hasn't changed much.  And WIC can help a lot with food.

    If he wants to teach, he should apply to substitute.  I think the money is better than McD's, and it's at least related experience.


    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:775c8ce3-7d9d-48b2-be98-39fd40395215">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's what I was going to say. Mind meld!
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    No joke!  I'm on some pencillin right now, and freaking out about it effing up my BC.  I can get KU in March or something, but not right now!
  • Also, just remember, because it isn't your ideal situation, doesn't mean it is not the right situation for them. 

    Give them a chance to show they can or can't handle it before you make your final judgements. 
  • I know how you feel about not being excited for a baby's arrival.  FI and I just found that my FSIL (FI's sister) is pregnant with her second child.  We would be happy/excited except we know we're never going to be able to see the baby. 
  • MP, I'm with you on wanting to slap people that I'm pretty sure don't take BC correctly and have an unplanned pregnancy. 
    I've just had too many people say "Oh, I was on antibiotics", or "I didn't take the pill for a day or two, I forgot."
    Really?  It's not rocket science.  They taught me this stuff in high school, and drilled it into my head when I got on BC. 

    BC is not 100% effective, but when taken correctly, it's pretty darn close.
    Mom got pregnant with me while she had the IUD or implant that was taken off the market in 1985, so it happens.  It's just not really BC failure as much as people blame it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:faf13da6-3b8a-4f97-a6fc-bcec9c8ec614">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is he elligible for the national guard?  There are two units here - one currently deployed, and one deploying soon.  He could buy the military insurance through it, even if he's not activated.  And, I *think* the deployments are technically voluntary.  If that's not a possibility, there are a lot of civilian jobs at military installations (Coast Guard base in the North End, Hanscomb AFB in Concord, there's a military ATC/AWCS installation on the Cape, I think.).  Those have good insurance too, and pay decently.  In terms of daycare, it looks like a nanny is actually cheaper than school type daycare.  Stacks is right about assistance.  She needs to apply ASAP.  It can take a bit.  Even once they get married she's still likely to qualify if their employment hasn't changed much.  And WIC can help a lot with food. If he wants to teach, he should apply to substitute.  I think the money is better than McD's, and it's at least related experience.
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    Hmmm . . . maybe civilian work.  And I can suggest looking at getting supplemental employment.  I mean, might as well start saving now.  Thanks, Squirrly!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:155db628-ed9e-47d3-af2c-d670a924b380">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, just remember, because it isn't your ideal situation, doesn't mean it is not the right situation for them.  Give them a chance to show they can or can't handle it before you make your final judgements. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    I will try.  But it's difficult right now.  I will try though.

    Wrkn - I know!  I'm amazed at how well it works every month that I get my period.  I think I'm overly cautious though.
  • I want to kiss the person that invented WIC. 
    It gets new mothers milk, bread, cereal, cheese, etc. 
    It's really a great program.


    I'll never forget when my sister came in and told my parents she was pregnant by her BF.  They were giddy, parents were shocked.
    I ran out of the room laughing.  As curious as I was, I didn't want to be involved in that blow-up.

    I have two step-sibs, and knock on wood, I will be the only one out of four to do the "first comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage."

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  • :)  It most certainly isn't easy to not judge!  I know that for sure.  Especially when you can probably predict things before they happen.  At least I know I can with my sister
  • oh, Stacks, thanks!
  • Just something to consider in terms of childcare - if they can work out their shifts so that one of them can stay home with the baby while the other is at work, that would probably be the best option.  If not, it may be "cheaper" for dad to be a SAHD, at least until he can find a teaching job.  It will be more difficult on one income, but I can't imagine that dad would make enough working at McD's to cover the cost of childcare while he's at work.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
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  • I do need to add, my sister became a great mother.
    They got married when she was 6? months pregnant.
    Unfortunately, the father was killed in a car accident when the baby was 5 months old.  He was an awesome father, and my sister handled things better then I imagine I would.
    She was a effin' rock.



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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:5ae6e6a8-a169-4753-a7a9-a1b970c1c013">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do need to add, my sister became a great mother. They got married when she was 6? months pregnant. Unfortunately, the father was killed in a car accident when the baby was 5 months old.  He was an awesome father, and my sister handled things better then I imagine I would. She was a effin' rock.
    Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

    That is a great story!  Glad it worked out.
  • I can't fault people who get pregnant on BC.  There are many reasons BC doesn't work for all people.  For starters, the hormone level provided is based off of women weighing 150 pounds and less, so weighing over 150 pounds reduces its effectiveness.  I'm in that category, and that scared the crap out of me before we got married.  Also, sometimes just switching brands can throw you off.  One of my good friends got pregnant because she was switching brands of BCP and the hormone level was different, so it threw her body off, and now they have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. 

    I agree with PPs to encourage her to get set up for WIC.  And while they are still single she will most likely qualify for more benefits.  There's a good chance that she will also qualify for welfare then, and will get health-coverage that way.  Sadly, sometimes in these situations she is better off single than married.  I don't know if your brother will be able to sub as squirrly said.  It usually depends on the district if they will take you as an uncertified sub.  I know in my old district that I taught it was $105 a day if you were certified, and only $65 if not, and they only called you if nobody certified was available.  But NY is overflowing with teachers, so other states could be much different.

    Good luck with this MP.  I totally understand the shock factor though.  H's brother s engaged and has a pregnancy scare about 4 months ago.  They have no money at all, so H was pretty pissed when they thougt they were pregnant, and we still have no clue how they are planning this big wedding for this summer.  Oh well, I'm nobody's financial advisor.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:f4c91e62-d424-4270-8505-49851e2c7c64">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]They have no money at all, so H was pretty pissed when they thougt they were pregnant, and we still have no clue how they are planning this big wedding for this summer.  Oh well, I'm nobody's financial advisor.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    We kept asking them where the money for the wedding was coming from and her response was "It will all work out." 

    Thanks for the advice, beach.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:80bf760e-4996-414d-b548-a111d22b9556">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Drama NWR : We kept asking them where the money for the wedding was coming from and her response was "It will all work out."  Thanks for the advice, beach.
    Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

    I want to punch people when they say that.  MIL called me the other day to talk about BIL's wedding.  She was telling me they booked their venue and a few things, and were still trying to figure out money.  Her mom promised money she doesn't have, and FIL also said he'd give money (and I know for a fact he has none and is unemployed), and so they are hoping for that.  I asked if they have a plan if they don't get that money and her response was "Eh, it will all work out, it always does."  Seriously, thats what BIL would say.  Your the mom and supposed to be the voice of reason, not encourage them.
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  • MP - I know how you feel about trying to be excited about this but finding it hard. My brother called me about 6 weeks after starting to date my, now, SIL to let me know I'd be an Aunt. Mind you SIL was still married at the time. Not yet getting divorced because she had had a baby in February (this would be about May), and apparently in OH you can't get divorced if the wife is pregnant. Oh and her ex was still living at the house. It was an entirely f*ed up situation that my brother should have been smarter about getting himself into, but she had the baby and they got Married last October. She was pregnant (again) when they got married, but none of us knew because they didn't tell the family until February, right before my brother's 1st child's birthday, and she was due in April. Probably because they knew we wouldn't be happy because she already had three children with her ex and now my brother is father to 5 kids and both of them are unemployed.
     
    All I can do is love my two nephews, and three step nieces and try not to judge. I can't do anything myself to help them so I have to just accept it is what it is.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:f106c707-365a-4631-9612-3f22fae0dcd2">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]MP - I know how you feel about trying to be excited about this but finding it hard. My brother called me about 6 weeks after starting to date my, now, SIL to let me know I'd be an Aunt. Mind you SIL was still married at the time. Not yet getting divorced because she had had a baby in February (this would be about May), and apparently in OH you can't get divorced if the wife is pregnant. Oh and her ex was still living at the house. It was an entirely f*ed up situation that my brother should have been smarter about getting himself into, but she had the baby and they got Married last October. She was pregnant (again) when they got married, but none of us knew because they didn't tell the family until February, right before my brother's 1st child's birthday, and she was due in April. Probably because they knew we wouldn't be happy because she already had three children with her ex and now my brother is father to 5 kids and both of them are unemployed.   All I can do is love my two nephews, and three step nieces and try not to judge. I can't do anything myself to help them so I have to just accept it is what it is.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    ETA: I hope that made sense because after reading it, it seemed like a lot of rambling.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-drama-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e74e2ef4-18d6-41ff-a45b-bd19ff484320Post:00b0e5ca-d89b-4134-8e26-8d01e97e5452">Re: Family Drama NWR</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Family Drama NWR : ETA: I hope that made sense because after reading it, it seemed like a lot of rambling.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    Made sense to me. 

    That is a BAD situation!  I'm glad you are trying to make the best of it.
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