Shotgun wedding etiquette

PiscesFish

FI and I are trying to get our acts together for a wedding, but FI and I are eccentrics with wacky priorities, and prefer to put our extra $$$ towards gear, savings, etc for our gestating baby than towards a wedding reception at the moment.  

Delaying the legal aspect wedding is not an option for several reasons, most of all that it is important to us that we're married and everyone has the same last name before we give birth.  We both have extremely large, close-knit (with the exception of my craptastic step-relatives) non-local families that we don't want to feel excluded though.

We were thinking of having a wedding now (at city hall or something, that our parents and a few close friends can attend if they want), send out wedding announcements with an indication that invitations to a reception will follow, and then follow with a more casual celebrate our wedding/meet the baby reception (backyard probably) in like a year once the dust settles?  Or is that totally AW and inappropriate?

This is a second wedding for me, but the first for FI, if that makes a difference

ZRex

I like that idea.  It's not like you're having two weddings.  Sounds really nice and I am sure everyone will be happy to celebrate with you and meet your baby.

danieliza1127

It all sounds fine, but if the reception is going to be a year from the actual wedding, I'd probably just call it an anniversary party or baby's first birthday party, or just a family reunion even.  Not really a wedding reception at that point.

[Deleted User]

if people come to your ceremony, you have to have a reception of some sort afterwards. even if it's just dinner out at a restaurant with the small group of people who came to your town hall ceremony. and that's your reception. having another one after that is absurd.

you can have a meet-the-baby bbq if you want at some point, but that's not wedding-related.

ohwhynot

I like your way of  thinking, but I don't think you can have it both ways:  you can have the celebration/meet the baby/anniversary party in a year, but then that doesn't alleviate the idea that your relatives were, in fact, left out of the wedding.   

I think, though, that given your circumstances and your priorities, most of your relatives should be okay with that. 

andy71781

I like the idea of having a one year later "we are married come meet our baby" party.

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shotgun-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e800a521-f160-47df-972f-9a281adc51dfPost:5a908e93-159c-4c7f-ab08-d3b34acbf72a">Re: Shotgun wedding etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]if people come to your ceremony, you have to have a reception of some sort afterwards. even if it's just dinner out at a restaurant with the small group of people who came to your town hall ceremony. and that's your reception. Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

The thing is - the invitation to come see the ceremony is going to be issued to our parents, but we're 99% sure they either won't be able to, or will choose not to, make it.  It's going to be a courtesy thing, as in, you're welcome to be there, but we understand if you can't.

chuygrl77

You won't be registering for this second event, would you?  If you are, you should do it all at once.  Otherwise I agree with PP, make the second even non wedding related or an anniversary party/baby birthday. 

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shotgun-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e800a521-f160-47df-972f-9a281adc51dfPost:1da56f3a-8b77-4124-88d4-95f47200bd79">Re: Shotgun wedding etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shotgun wedding etiquette : The thing is - the invitation to come see the ceremony is going to be issued to our parents, but we're 99% sure they either won't be able to, or will choose not to, make it.  It's going to be a courtesy thing, as in, you're welcome to be there, but we understand if you can't.
Posted by PiscesFish[/QUOTE]

If they don't go, then you don't have any guests to host.  But if anybody does decide to go, whether it be your parents or friends, you should take them out to dinner afterwards.

banana468

Are you sure you can't have an actual wedding?

Friends of mine found out that they were going to be parents at the end of Dec/early Jan and were married in Mid Feb.  To date it's still one of the nicest weddings I've attended and you'd never know that the bride was pregnant unless she said so.

squirrly

Are you thinking the thing next year would be wedding-y?  Cake, white dress, etc.?  If so, that's a vow renewal, and you can just wait and send out invites before it - no need to essentially do a save-the-date for it along side your announcements.

If you're thinking very casual, I'd just have a "meet the family reunion" and invite people to that when the time comes.

So - after your JOP ceremony, go grab dinner with whomever can attend.  Send out announcements if you want.  And then next year, plan a fun party and invite people to that, basically.

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shotgun-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e800a521-f160-47df-972f-9a281adc51dfPost:1b4f7b84-9885-44c5-984b-cb976c4ff85f">Re: Shotgun wedding etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you sure you can't have an actual wedding? Friends of mine found out that they were going to be parents at the end of Dec/early Jan and were married in Mid Feb.  To date it's still one of the nicest weddings I've attended and you'd never know that the bride was pregnant unless she said so.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I would loooove if we could sweing that, but : we can't ask our fams at the last second to fly in from other continents/across the country/etc; and I feel really guilty dropping a couple G's on a wedding when we have a baby on the way.  Esp since I'm planning to SAH, and may  not even make it the 9 months at work due to my high chances of being placed on bedrest at some point.

Catwoman708

Having a small, private, or courthouse wedding is fine, but the sooner you have the reception the better. 

I'm not crazy about combining events.  Mostly because with the exception of a wedding, it's unmannerly to host your own party for a gift giving occasion (such as a baby shower).  Even if you call it a "meet the baby" party, it will still essentially be a baby shower.

You can plan a small, casual wedding on short notice, and still have a shower later, if someone offers to throw you a shower that is.  Or you can host your own party any time for any reason, as a first anniversary party, or just a BBQ. 

PiscesFish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_shotgun-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e800a521-f160-47df-972f-9a281adc51dfPost:8c0034bf-7d97-4e9a-b90a-5ea7d994004e">Re: Shotgun wedding etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE] Even if you call it a "meet the baby" party, it will still essentially be a baby shower. You can plan a small, casual wedding on short notice, and still have a shower later, if someone offers to throw you a shower that is. 
Posted by Catwoman708[/QUOTE]

Confession:  Most of my family has meet the baby parties.  People don't really bring gifts though, and if you do it's something small like like a rattle or a board book. 

I'm kind of doubting a baby shower will be thrown for me...  my BMs at my first wedding didn't do a shower or bach party, and (read my previous posts) I'm not anticipating my fam to react too well to the baby anyway.   I'll be very surprised if someone wants to celebrate this time around - either the wedding or the baby.   

Not whining of course, but it's not a great feeling when I'm *always* the person friends/family expect to organize/co-host pretty elaborate showers for other people, and then when I got married (FI will be husband #2), nobody even thought to do the same for me.  Even something like, no gifts, informal Friday night at a BM's house for us girls to have pizza and giggle about weddings, would have been wonderful.

I don't care about the gifts (and if people are going to spend $$,  we would much prefer something for the baby to mixing bowls or whatever anyway).  That said, on my first wedding, it would have felt good to have seen an outward demonstration that people were actually happy for me/wanted to spend time with me, you know?

I'm of course a b**** if I say this. :)

PharmacyBride

I understand where you come from.  It is much easier to give to the people in your life when they give so much in return.  Otherwise you get burnt out.

As long as you don't explode this feeling/emotion on them at random... no one will consider you a bitch for it.

If you sent me an announcement card.. I would send you a wedding gift.   I can't vouch for your family, but this is what I did when my cousin married.  She needed the money, she wasn't wasting what money she had on a wedding she couldn't afford, and I consider wedding gifts something I want to give to the couple- not an obligation.

I hope you get a baby shower!