WWYD? NWR and Long

WWYD

Thanks!

Rosie109

It does sound like J has major issues, but it is so tricky getting involved with other people's relationships. If you fear that he will harm your SIL then I understand the need to step in, but I wouldn't expect things to go well. 

JessAndTrav

I'm sad that you didn't feel like you could post this under your regular name. I don't think you're going to get flamed or anything.

You're trying to watch out for family, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Has T seen the blog that you found? Is T close with her parents? Perhaps you could show it to the parents and they could do something, since she thinks that you and your H are just being judgmental?

That's the best I've got at the moment.

Rosie109

Also if she has already forgiven him for the whole lying about her ex being on life support, she probably is rather committed to the relationship or has lied to herself enough to get through that. I just don't know what can be said to someone in that situation that will really shine any light on her circumstances that will kind of snap her out of it.

akhensley81

I would definitely think someone should make sure your SIL sees that blog. It sounds like he has a serious problem... and while he may not be outwardly asking for help... by posting all of those personal details on a blog (and linking it to his FB for people to stumble across) he might be trying to get attention in his own way.

Of course... by how defensive she got in your story, she may very well know what's going on and that might have caused her overreaction.

That being said, I've known several alcoholics in my life. And they can tend to do (and say) some crazy weird unexplanable irresponsible shiit.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

sarah0725

If one of my siblings or FI's siblings were in a relationship like this one, I would feel the same way you do. I think your feelings are justified.

However, I'll tell you what I tell FI, whose brother is dating an awful girl who emotionally abuses him all the time: You love your siblings, and maintaining a relationship with your siblings is important. Sometimes, your siblings will do incredibly stupid things, like getting involved in terrible relationships. You can make your opinions of these relationships known, but if you interfere too much, you risk the relationship cutting off your access to your sibling who you love, and this is a problem. Personally, I want to maintain access to my siblings (and FI's) at all costs, so I am willing to be pleasant to unpleasant people in social situations if it means maintaining that contact.

T will always be your DH's sister, and it is probably the case that this will blow up in her face at some point. If so, you want to make sure that she knows she can come to you guys and lean on you. If I were you, I'd do what I could to make that possible, and if that means playing nice with this psycho, then so be it.

WWYD

Rose, I don't think J would physically harm T.  I am worried that he's negatively impacting her self-esteem or that he's emotionally harming her.  I think that the threats J made towards DH were empty, but I'm certainly not going to find that out for sure. 

Jess, I wasn't necessarily worried I would get flamed for this, I just didn't want it to be too traceable back to my real SN in case J starts looking for stuff on me or DH.  I know T is aware of the blog, but I'm not sure she has read it all.  She has simply stated that he is a different person now, since some of the posts we had concerns with are now 3 years old. 

DH has expressed concerns to his parents about J.  However, his parents have chosen to remain neutral, and have said it's up to T to decide what is best for her.  DH's parents in general like J and his family.  Previously when DH brought this up, his mom told him she didn't want to talk about it anymore because it always leads to fights in the family. 

WWYD

I've read through the rest of the posts, and seriously, thank you everyone who read this!  It sounds like it would be best to wait it out and see where it goes.  If DH and I don't mention anything else about J, maybe T will come around and start talking to us again. 

DH's older sister is close to T as well and has a better way of expressing her conerns than DH (he just yells and gets mad, which I know doesn't help), so I'm thinking she might be able to talk to T. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I agree with Sarah. This is a horrible situation and I totally get where you are coming from. But at this point, your best bet is to maintain/repair your relationship with your SIL. She needs support and if she doesn't feel loved or feels judged, it will only drive her closer to him. I read an advice column yesterday where a woman said that everyone she knew told her she was making a mistake in marrying this one guy, except her mother. After her divorce, she used her mother for support. She asked why her mother didn't say anything and her mother basically told her that she knew her ex-husband was bad news, but she needed to figure it out for herself. I, personally, am someone who REALLY needs to figure things out for myself and wouldn't take kindly to others telling me what to do with my life and my decisions.

Re; suicide/depression. It depends on the severity of the depression. He could be suffering from something like seasonal affective disorder (SAD) which only comes about at certain times (winter). It could be situational depression. You mentioned he was living with her for two weeks? Were there some rough patches in his life? Now that he's apparently a practicing physician (?!?! - that concerns me a LOT) his life might be on the upswing.

In conlcusion, he sounds like a huge d*ck, but keep the lines of communication open.

WWYD

Mery, I didn't realize there were so many times of depression.  It could be very likely he has one of the types you listed.  His family life isn't the best and I think some of his issues stem from that. 

For the 2 week period that he was living with T, it was just a period between when his apartment lease ran out, and when he graduated.  T was living at home, so J lived with her and T's parents until he graduated.  He moved back to his parent's house after graduation, which is about 4 hours away. 

Yeah, the doctor thing bothers me too.  He's not a doctor in the sense that he can prescribe people medication, administer shots, or operate, however.  He is a chiropractor and shares a practice with another person, so I'm not too worried about him causing anyone else harm. 

In my opinion J latches on to people who have low self-esteem, like himself.  I think the combination of DH and I getting engaged and T breaking up with V really put her in a low point in her life.  I think she was jealous of us getting married when she felt that should've been her instead.  So when J came along, she jumped at the opportunity to be in a relationship again.  When he started talking about getting married, she just fell for the whole thing and possibly looked past obvious red flags because she so desperately wanted to be married and move on to that next phase in her life.