Too many bridal shower guests?

CrzyCatLady

I'm the MOH in my best friend's wedding.  The bride belongs to a church choir, and feels obligated to invite everyone in the choir to her wedding.  There are 40ish people in the choir, about half of which are girls.  

When talking casually about her bridal shower, the bride mentioned that if the choir doesn't throw her a separate bridal shower then we might have to rent out a place to have the shower, implying that she'd like to invite all 20 girls to the shower.   

Add that to her family and close friends, and we have an approximate guest list of 40 people!  She offered (unsolicited) to help pay for the shower if this happened, because she knows that 40 people is a lot, which was very nice of her.  However, I thought showers were supposed to be just close family and friends?  I'm mostly worried about how a 40 person shower would work logistically.  Seeing as the whole point of a bridal shower is to watch the bride open her gifts, I think this is way too many people for a bridal shower.  I can't even imagine sitting through her opening 40 gifts!  

Is it unreasonable for the bride to want to invite 40 people to the shower?  If so, how can I tell her politely that she needs to cut the list to just close family and friends OR that she should think about having two separate showers regardless?  Would it be okay, etiquette-wise, for me to throw her two showers so that she can invite everyone she wants? 

Thanks!

redheadfsu

Since she offered to help pay, then I don't think she is being unreasonable. But if you feel uncomfortable with hosting a large shower (even if she helps pay)  tell her. Maybe someone else can host it.

Calypso1977

IMO, showers are for those who are closest to you. they are not for every single female wedding guest.  i think tehy should be 20 or 25 max.

that said, are all of these girls invited to the wedding?  if they arent, then they CANNOT be invited to teh shower.

ootmother2

It's okay to have more than one shower.

M had 5 because of distance and divorced parents.

One coed given by their BMs & GMs

One the female relatives of the groom gave

One my female relatives gave

One work shower

One give by the female relatives of FOB

The bridal party one was the largest. 

redheadfsu

Oh yeah, Calypso is right. (Sorry, I assumed they were invited to the wedding)  Only those invited to the wedding should be invited to any of the pre-wedding parties.

Calypso1977

now that i reread it, they are invited to the wedding...it was confusing at first since the post was about the shower, not the wedding.

i still think its excessive for a shower, but that's just me.

CrzyCatLady

Mrs. Jesse - Thanks for sharing your personal experience!  It's good to know that a 52 person shower is do-able.  How did the gift-opening part go for the shower with 52 people?

Calypso & Redhead - Yes, all the women she wants to invite to the shower are invited to the wedding.

Thanks for the feedback!  When I first heard the number, it freaked me out a bit because I had never heard of or been to a bridal shower with more than 25 guests.  Now I know it can be done and still be fun for all involved.  Thanks!

MobKaz

As far as gift opening is concerned, perhaps several people from the choir will go in on  a more expensive gift, thus alleviating the worry of opening "40 gifts".

In terms of a larger shower....my daughter is facing the same possibility.  If this happens, we will move the location from our home to a community or church center.  We will also change the menu to a brunch, as that type of food is more manageable for a crowd, and slightly less costly. 

bonnyandtim

I had 50 people at my shower. It was SUPER FUN & the gift opening went really well.

Not saying you "HAVE" to do it, but it is do-able.

CrzyCatLady

Jesse - That sounds like a really good way to do the present thing!  I've never actually heard of the bubblegum game, but it sounds like fun.  Thanks again for sharing!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-bridal-shower-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ebef86fe-bf5f-4407-8509-1bdb19f027fbPost:6f20dc87-4071-4947-b784-a7965b6bf81e">Re: Too many bridal shower guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO, showers are for those who are closest to you. they are not for every single female wedding guest.  i think tehy should be 20 or 25 max. Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

That's fine if thats your situation.  But to say that should be the max is just wrong.  My shower had 62 ladies invited, 55 came.  Just from my bridal party, my aunts, and my first cousins, I have 21 people.  Then there are H's family, my good friends, my mom's good friends since she threw the shower, and my great aunts that lived at home.  Not every woman invited to our wedding was invited to my shower.  I was asked who I would like there and I gave my mom a list.  They were all close family and friends, and there was no way any of them wouldn't be invited.  I only had 1 shower thrown for me, so it was everyone in one.  

So OP, you can absolutely have 40 people invited if thats who she would like.  Mine was at a restaurant and it was a brunch.  There were all round tables, and they were situated around the room so that everyone could see the head table.  For gifts, they had me sit in front of the head table so everyone could see.  My BP ended up with an assemby line thing for the gifts, with one carrying them over, one handing them to me, one writing what I got from who, one putting them back in the bag, and one carrying them back to the table.  My whole shower didn't even last 2 and half hours with that many people. 

marissa_claire

I think 40 is okay depending on the situation, but when she says "we" might have to rent out a hall to do it, that really means technically that you should be doing it as a host.  I'm sure she wants them to feel included, but if she's already inviting them out of "obligation" then it sounds like she's not all that close to them and should maybe just have them as wedding guests.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her you're uncomfortable with that/would rather do it at your house/whatever and only can accommodate x number of people. You CAN do a big one, though, since she offered to help cover the cost. It's really your call if you are hosting.

rubyredlucy

BTW, mrs.jesse, you look supercute in that bow hat.

Kristin789

Yes.
The shower guests are supposed to be the bride's closest friends, the girls who have been with her through thick and thin, who she has called and texted with details of FI's courtship, who she has confided in, who she has gone to the movies with and shopped with and comiserated over Cosmos with.  So the MOH hosts the shower - as the bride's very closest friend, and the BMs assist the MOH, because the BMs are the rest of the bride's group of close friends.

In addition to the MOH and BMs, you can invite four or five other girls who are friends with the bride, MOB and grandmother of bride if you choose, MOG if you choose, and maybe an aunt or two if the aunts are superclose to the bride, not just because they share some extended DNA.

The biggest shower I've been to was 12 people.  In my area, huge bridal showers are considered totally tacky, rude, gift-grabs.

banana468

Kristin, where do you actually live where a 12 person shower tips the scales?


OP, it's up to you on what you can handle.  FWIW, I had two showers and they were in the 30-50 person range.  DH and I have larger families and several friends and that's how it worked out.

mrabbito

As for gift giving I have seen 2 things done with large showers:

One was a lunch in a banquet all (big italian everything!) and 2 ladies discretely unwrapped the gifts as the ladies walked in and nicely displayed them on the gift table (and they made sure to keep good documentation of who gave what!).  Ladies were able to walk around and see what the gifts were and that was a good 'conversation' area.

the other option is to do a draw for gifts!  if you feel logistically and time wise you won't be able to get through all the gifts she can only open some of them.  for this shower we put a numbered sticker on each gift and drew numbers to see which would be opened.  you could also draw names and it makes a bit of a 'game' out of the process as well.

not sure if either of those are tacky or rude, but there were no complaints in either of the situations and gave more time for games and socializing!

tenofcups4me

40 people is about the normal size at the showers I've attended, including my own shower for my first wedding. I've been to showers with as many as 80-100 and that felt too large to *me*, but obviously different crowds have different expectations of what a shower is.

My gift-opening went pretty quickly and smoothly. My sister would select a gift and "start" to open it so it was easy to actually open, a young cousin handed it to me, I'd open it, someone else wrote down what it was, and then I handed it to the ex- to put back in the box with the card and put on a separate table. I usually see small variations on that process.

CrzyCatLady

Thanks for all the advise everyone!  I'm thinking that this bridal shower won't turn into a total disaster like I originally thought.

For those who were wondering about the bride's closeness to the choir people, it's true that she's not best friends with all of them; however, the group tends to lean to the dramatic side and there would be some hurt feelings and "issues" created if she didn't include everyone.    

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-bridal-shower-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ebef86fe-bf5f-4407-8509-1bdb19f027fbPost:669854fe-35a7-4371-a4e3-a194cbbf28ce">Re: Too many bridal shower guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. The shower guests are supposed to be the bride's closest friends, the girls who have been with her through thick and thin, who she has called and texted with details of FI's courtship, who she has confided in, who she has gone to the movies with and shopped with and comiserated over Cosmos with.  So the MOH hosts the shower - as the bride's very closest friend, and the BMs assist the MOH, because the BMs are the rest of the bride's group of close friends. In addition to the MOH and BMs, you can invite four or five other girls who are friends with the bride, MOB and grandmother of bride if you choose, MOG if you choose, and maybe an aunt or two if the aunts are superclose to the bride, not just because they share some extended DNA. The biggest shower I've been to was 12 people.  In my area, huge bridal showers are considered totally tacky, rude, gift-grabs.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

As I said in my earlier post, 21 people would have been just my BP, grandmothers, and aunts and cousins.  I have an extremely close Italian family, so there would be no discluding any of those people.  My mom has 7 siblings, and it would be World War 3 if we were to only pick 1 or 2 that I wanted to be there.  And I would never allow that to happen anyways.  So right there, you're telling me my shower was tacky.  Thats not to mention H's family, my close friends, and some extended family I'm close with.  That's fine if you don't have a big family or a lot of close friends, but don't say people are "totally tacky, rude, and gift-grabby" because they are close with their family or more than 12 people. 

jillybean7582

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-bridal-shower-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ebef86fe-bf5f-4407-8509-1bdb19f027fbPost:669854fe-35a7-4371-a4e3-a194cbbf28ce">Re: Too many bridal shower guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes. The shower guests are supposed to be the bride's closest friends, the girls who have been with her through thick and thin, who she has called and texted with details of FI's courtship, who she has confided in, who she has gone to the movies with and shopped with and comiserated over Cosmos with.  So the MOH hosts the shower - as the bride's very closest friend, and the BMs assist the MOH, because the BMs are the rest of the bride's group of close friends. In addition to the MOH and BMs, you can invite four or five other girls who are friends with the bride, MOB and grandmother of bride if you choose, MOG if you choose, and maybe an aunt or two if the aunts are superclose to the bride, not just because they share some extended DNA. The biggest shower I've been to was 12 people.  In my area, huge bridal showers are considered totally tacky, rude, gift-grabs.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

This is really unrealistic.  Its like telling someone they can't have 8 bridesmaids even if they are really close to those 8 people.  Each person has to do what is right for them and their situation.  For some it will mean only 15-20 people and for others it might mean 75-80 people.  Personally I have a HUGE family that is extremely close and most showers in our family tend to be around 50-75 people (this includes daughters of all the adult women, I know children aren't always included but in our area and our family they always are) My shower list has 71 people on and I consider everyone on the list to be close family members and friends.

banana468

But Kristin, you ARE implying that in your experience, 12 has been the max.  So what would be huge?

As some PPs are saying, 40 simply isn't huge.  With large families and large circles of friends, 40 can actually be as intimate as it gets.