Wedding Etiquette Forum

What do you think of breaking this tradition?

So, it's normal wedding tradtion to have the groom's friends and family sit on one side during the ceremony and have the bride's friends and family sit on the other. I don't like this at all. We have so many mutual friends and yes, some of them are clearly more his friend that mine or vice versa, but there are some who it's really hard to determine which of us is a better friend with that person. One example is a girl who was a "little sister" in his fraternity in college, and I didn't know her very well at the time, but then later we ended up being co-workers. My fiance and I are neither extemely close to her, but we were both friends with her in our own way, and I wouldn't be able to tell your whether or not she's his friend or mine. We have several people on our guest list like that. In my opinion it's almost absurd for a cermony representing togetherness and joining of two people to force the guests to CHOOSE a side. I have never been in this situation at any of the very few weddings I've been to, but I can imagine that if I knew both the bride and groom equally well I might be scared I would offend the one if I sat on the side for the other. And I would hate to put anyone in that situation.
I also feel like it's almost like a competition to see who has more support. My fiance is Mexican, so he's already going to have alot more family than me! Haha. And in college he was much more of a social person than I was, because I focused more on my studies, so as a result he will probably have more of "his" friends than I will. But over the years we've each gotten to know most of each other's friends to the point where each person should be coming to "Hollie AND Xavier's wedding" wedding not "Hollie's wedding" or "Xavier's Wedding".
I don't get offended easily, so it doesn't matter to me if someone chooses his side over mine or whatever, but I just don't want to make anyone feel like they have to choose between us.
We're planning on having a circular setup during the ceremony anyway, and of course we'll have to have some sort of isle for us to walk down, but maybe have the back part of the circle be joined and hopefully we can encourage people to sit whereever they like and not choose a side.
Does anyone agree with me on the way this tradition kind of contradicts the purpose of the ceremony? Or am I just crazy? Haha.
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Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?

  • That was a really long post for a very simple question.  A lot of people don't do sides anymore.
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  • We didn't do sides and nobody seemed to care.
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  • Woah long post. I don't think we had "sides." I am pretty sure guests just sat wherever they wanted.
  • I think you're way overthinking this. H and I invited most of our church, so there obviously people who knew both of us. They sat where they were most comfortable. Even my bff (since we were 3) sat on the groom's side because that's where she was comfortable. Was I offended? No. She was at our wedding to support us. That's what it is about--not who sits where or who has more people on their side.
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  • edited December 2011
    I actually read this whole thing. Holy shiit, lady, you're putting way too much thought into this. Nobody else in the world is worried they might offend the b or g by picking the "wrong side" nor does it appear to be a competition for "support". I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're recently engaged and your wedding is at least two years from now. Because if this were anything but the case, you'd not be muddling over inane ideas such as "my fiance's big Mexican family is going to make me look unpopular"!
  • edited December 2011
    I get the feeling you wouldn't mind the traditional sides if you were set to "win" the imagined contest.
  • Last three weddings I went to didn't have sides, unless maybe for immediate family.  We're probably not doing it either.  Skip with a clean conscience :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:34b7fc63-0800-4897-9159-56dc1ebeda05">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I get the feeling you wouldn't mind the traditional sides if you were set to "win" the imagined contest.
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]



    She could hire seat fillers. "Yes. That IS SO my Aunt Bunny. And her 17 adopted children. Gosh, Xavier. It's not a contest". Tradition meets innovation. You have it.
  • Have your guests sit wherever they want; there is no need to do sides.  Easy answer!

    I also don't get what you meant by this: "My fiance is Mexican, so he's already going to have alot more family than me! Haha."  Can you explain what you meant?  I'm actually half Mexican, and I'm not really sure what ethnicity has to do with family size. 
  • Your family is huge, free bread. It's science.
  • Damn I just wanted someone to state the obvious stereotype here.

    Funny thing, I'm adopted.  And I didn't find out until Thanksgiving 2010.  And I'm 27.
    SCIENCE FAIL.
  • OMG MEL YOU TOTES FAILED.
  • That sounds like a hell of a story. You should tell it, if you're so inclined. But don't expect all of us to keep track of all the members of your clearly gigantic family.
  • Hang on. Does free bread not realize that I'm mocking the op for her gross over generalization about the reproductive habits of an entire country? Because I'm probably coming off pretty racist here if that piece of this puzzle fell through the cracks.
  • Mel, we all know you're a huge racist.  Stop trying to hide the real you.
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  • I know, this could get confusing, because I have TWO families now.  So I'm like "El Double Mexicana" (except that my parents are white, and the biological side I've met are white...)

    I've been asking if I was adopted since I was maybe 12, when I started to notice I didn't look much like anyone.  My mom used to say "Of course you're our child", which is the truth.  Literally I asked like once a year, probably the last time I asked was 2009.  Visiting my parents at Thanksgiving 2010, I'd just finished a 68 mile bike race with my dad (and I don't ride bikes, so it was quite a day), and I got this facebook message that said yada yada yada "If you were adopted I think you're my sister."  I replied, "nope sorry wasn't adopted"...and then yelled down the hall "Mom I gotta ask you a question....was I adopted?"  Mom says "Do you want the real answer?" Uh yeaaaah.  "Yeah, you were adopted." 

    Instead of thinking WTF?? I said, "Why didn't you tell me the 10 times I've asked!"  Everyone thinks I should be traumatized or something but it doesn't change anything.  (Although I'd be PISSED if I hadn't gotten an academic scholarship for grad school and missed out on some great Mexican scholarships or something).

    So...my Mexican-ness has not resulted in a big family.  My FI and I don't even have a dog.  (NOW WHO IS GOING TO SIT ON MY SIDE AT THE WEDDING???!!!!)


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:9013cfc3-569d-4426-95de-00ea7b919f2b">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hang on. Does free bread not realize that I'm mocking the op for her gross over generalization about the reproductive habits of an entire country? Because I'm probably coming off pretty racist here if that piece of this puzzle fell through the cracks.
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah....it actually sounded like you were accusing freebread of having the huge family.  If someone didn't know you it might have looked bad.</div><div>
    </div><div>Freebread, Mel is the coolest chica around here. And def not a racist.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:7a24a3d4-6176-459f-91ad-e12977b6f57d">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : She could hire seat fillers. "Yes. That IS SO my Aunt Bunny. <strong>And her 17 adopted children.</strong> Gosh, Xavier. It's not a contest". Tradition meets innovation. You have it.
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    <div>You never know when someone's going to bust out with adopted children or something....</div>
  • Nope, not offended.  I was just trying to figure out how to lay out the family tree for ya'll. (Kidding, I was trying to do the cliff notes version of finding out you're adopted at 26.)
  • Food for thought, you'll only have enough chairs for the amount of guest who confirmed they're attending so even if people start off by sitting on a specific side by the time the ceremony starts everything will balance out. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:ad24a3a0-520e-440a-b718-ba18ce66496a">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : You never know when someone's going to bust out with adopted children or something....
    Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]
    Why are you being so weird?
  • freebread03freebread03 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:c4d89657-440b-404c-91e3-98566ac2a002">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : So are you related?
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh, I have half sisters, half brothers, biological grandparents, cousins, etc.  </div><div>
    </div><div>*Edited because that actually may have offended someone.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:56e116d9-867c-4657-9928-23d34c3e1937">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : Why are you being so weird?
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Are you being for real?

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:60e9486c-710d-4e97-b2c5-f3676a1b96dd">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : No I meant the person who emailed you. *Edited quote
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ha yes!  Real half sister! At first I thought it was a FB scam lol.</div>
  • No. I'm not real.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:d3c30aad-81bf-43aa-a7eb-f7b22949224f">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : That's pretty cool!
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    It IS pretty cool :)  I just feel bad for my mom having to deal with me asking if I was adopted for years and years and years.

    OP, sorry for the threadjack.  Just don't do sides, nothing to worry about.
  • We didn't do sides and everyone found a place to sit.  The only people we put on our own "sides" were our parents and grandparents.  Everyone else was seated to fill the church from front to back.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:a46a4f88-b513-49ae-91c7-d8296fe8a0ba">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition? : Was she afraid to tell you? (Are you comfortable talking about all this?)
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    Parents didn't want to tell me when I was a kid--my mom was a teacher and hated it when she'd hear parents say "You know so and so was adopted?!" to explain behavioral problems.  They didn't want to tell me when I was a teenager, since I was a PITA teenager as it already was.  I moved across the country for college, so also not a good time to tell me.

    My mom read somewhere that the human brain is done developing at 27 and best able to cope with big news at that age...so she wanted to tell me at 27.  (If you knew my mom, that explanation would totally make sense).  I guess she was right, since it didn't seem like a big deal.  I'm not at all uncomfortable talking about it--I think its a great story and I wish that more people would adopt.  I'm a big believer in nurture over nature.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:a6fdcf78-01b4-4d95-8e1f-b4ff6623bc69">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey Drama! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    <div>Hey!  Yeah, things got busy at work.  I feel like I'm drowning already and the play doesn't even open for a month and a half!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-breaking-this-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec909c57-2359-4d2c-b805-70ada83da61cPost:2c5dab1b-6a67-466c-a4cd-5595c0e1260c">Re: What do you think of breaking this tradition?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No. I'm not real.
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    That's ok. I figured everyone on here was fake anyways.  Cyber-bots or something.
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