Bar Etiquette

porky

My fiance and are will be offering apple cider for cocktail hour and will have a limited "open bar" for our cocktail hour, where we will pay for beer, wine and soda only.  We will be placing 2 bottles of wine on each table for the reception. 

Is it wrong to have a cash bar for the reception?  What are your thoughts on a limited bar, where we only pay for beer, wine and soda?  I have asked several people and receive different answers from each one. 

What are your thoughts?

Loopyseven

There's usually at least one thread on bar etiquette every day on this forum... you could find the answer by looking at some recent threads..

But - host what you can afford.  Save and cut back elsewhere to host if alcohol is important to you.  Guests should not have to pull out their wallets at your wedding.

lyndausvi

I think it's part regional and part social circle.

Dh is from Long Island and I'm from DE/PA and open bars are the only thing either of us have attended (we have attended a combine 60+ weddings, so it's not like we only have a few to compare).  I've never heard of a cash bar here in St Thomas either.    We also both work at a resort that does some 100 weddings a year from people all over the country and I've only heard of one of them being a cash bar.

That said, many women on the Knot comment that cash bars are the norm for them.  Sometimes they claim it's regional.  Then someone from the same region says something differently.   

Basically, I have no idea what the norm is.  I just know cash bars are not the norm for us and there would be some serious complaining going on if we attended a wedding with a cash bar.

ootmother2

I live in NYC and here there are no cash bars, ever

I aslo had a home in Newoprt, REI and there wer no cash bars. ever

I have been invited to about 30 of my daugter's friends weddings and there were no cash bars.

I have 5 siblings and 8 nieces and nephews.  Not a cash bar there
what does indicate to you?

ootmother2

add on


Never place wine bottles on the table!  They are decanted (red) and the whites go into an ice bucket behine one chair

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:cd4e2e39-137f-429e-a0dd-0820ed3430b6">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]add on Never place wine bottles on the table!  They are decanted (red) and the whites go into an ice bucket behine one chair
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]


At least half of the weddings were in Boston and that's where everyone on here claims that cash bars are there norm in Massachustts.  They are NOT

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Most people will say it's fine to pay for a limited bar. You should know your crowd. Will most of them be fine with beer and wine? (I do think most people would be.) If so, and if that's what you can afford, then offer that. However, non-alcoholic beverages should always be free, and you should host what you can throughout the entire reception. Some people do a full bar for cocktail hour and then host nothing the rest of the night and I don't agree with that. If you can bring in your own alcohol, maybe bring in a few kegs and 2-3 cases of wine.

Personally, I have only once been to a partial cash bar and that was in a region I did not grow up in. I didn't really enjoy the limited choices they had for free. At weddings in my family I've attended, sometimes there are full bars, and sometimes there's only beer and wine (and a signature drink) but it's always hosted.

At my wedding I hosted beer, wine (the selections the venue had which were pretty decent) and house liquor because there were a few people who I knew would only drink liquor/mixed drinks. My venue was very flexible and was able to provide what we wanted at a price we were comfortable with. Good luck.

MaggieandJake

personally, I think limited bars are fine-that's what we're doing for our wedding.  I totally get the statement of "host what you can afford" and that IS what we're doing, but we also don't want to deny non beer/wine drinkers the opportunity to drink what they enjoy, but we just can't afford a full open bar.  Our guests do not HAVE to pull out their wallets at all.  We are hosting drinks.  However, if our guests do not like the options that we can afford, they have the OPTION of purchasing an alternative beverage.  

As someone who's been a guest at weddings where only beer is hosted (which I do not drink at all), I would much prefer being able to buy a glass of wine or a rum and coke as opposed to having nothing to drink all night.

bridezillatobe2009

I'm from Canada and have never been to a host/open bar. I've been to 10ish weddings and am going to 2 this year both of which will not be open bars. As a guest I would rather pay for a drink then not have any drinks.

ootmother2

TRUTH:


Last yeare, the knot put on a suvey about cash bars and how/if they were poor etiquette.

Welll over 90% replied that they would prefer a cash bar at a wedding to a dry wedding.

sorry, my little brain remembers these things

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:5eaa0e9a-cf31-498e-88db-bea47f8f7837">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bar Etiquette : At least half of the weddings were in Boston and that's where everyone on here claims that cash bars are there norm in Massachustts.  They are NOT
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
I've seen people claim that about Chicago weddings as well.  I have never once paid for a drink at a wedding, and I've been to a lot of weddings.  

vexie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:b6593dc3-226d-45f9-893c-b424098f98b9">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm from Canada and have never been to a host/open bar. I've been to 10ish weddings and am going to 2 this year both of which will not be open bars. As a guest I would rather pay for a drink then not have any drinks.
Posted by bridezillatobe2009[/QUOTE]

Exactly!  Where abouts in Canada are you  from?  I know a lot of folks on the Knot don't believe this, but I've also never attended a wedding with a fully open bar.  Never.  There has been wine on the table, but the reception (and even the cocktail hour) was cash bar if you wanted alcohol.  *shrug*  Not sure if it's so much a regional thing as a social circle thing...although that said I've been to weddings in large cities (Toronto) small towns, mid size cities... lots of different cultural backgrounds (Greek, Irish, Indian, German) and they were all cash bars except one where we all got two tickets that we could use for alcoholic drinks.

I say do what you can afford and spend your money on the things that are a priority to you.  The day is about you getting married pure and simple.  If someone didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't get free drinks I'd be really hurt.

mkrupar

If you question is whether it's appropriate to offer beer, wine, and soda for the cocktail hour, then your guests will have to pay after that (minus the wine on the tables), then I don't like this. Like PPs have said a lot of people have never been to weddings with cash bars and others have been to weddings where they've only ever seen cash bars.

I'm of the school of thought that your guests shouldn't have to open their wallets at your reception. So I always say host what you can afford. If that's only beer and wine for the entire event then so be it. I would skip the bottles of wine on the tables and just host beer and wine the entire evening (and non alcoholic beverages as well).

Allycat11

I'm going to start by saying I have never been to a wedding with a cash bar, limited bar or no bar.  Every single one has had beer, wine, soda, mixed drinks, champagne, juices, etc....

However,  if budget is the issue here is what I would prefer as a guest.  Provide beer, wine and soda.  If possible, add 1 or 2 signature drinks.  If those were my only options, I would gladly drink merlot all night.  However, if there was a bar with mixed drinks I had to pay for, I would probably be more annoyed that it was right there but I would have to pay if I wanted anything.  Having to carry cash at a wedding seems like a big hassle to me.  I also imagine (Remember never been to a cash bar wedding), it could slow things down a bit if people need change bak from the bartender. 

Meaghann17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:71040b97-1310-44ca-a845-5c3d4d36e91c">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bar Etiquette : Exactly!  Where abouts in Canada are you  from?  I know a lot of folks on the Knot don't believe this, but I've also never attended a wedding with a fully open bar.  Never.  There has been wine on the table, but the reception (and even the cocktail hour) was cash bar if you wanted alcohol.  *shrug*  Not sure if it's so much a regional thing as a social circle thing...although that said I've been to weddings in large cities (Toronto) small towns, mid size cities... lots of different cultural backgrounds (Greek, Irish, Indian, German) and they were all cash bars except one where we all got two tickets that we could use for alcoholic drinks. I say do what you can afford and spend your money on the things that are a priority to you.  The day is about you getting married pure and simple.  If someone didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't get free drinks I'd be really hurt.
Posted by vexie[/QUOTE]

See but this is again I think where region AND social circles combine. I am in Southern Ontario and have never attended a cash bar wedding, or part hosted reception. My parents have never attended a cash bar wedding but have been guests at a tiered reception. My roomate was from a bit farther north, where for her large weddings with a cash bar or tiered reception is totally the norm. She is in my wedding and was also surprised to hear that I wasn't expecting her to set up and take the reception decor down. I guess she is also used to have to stay hours after the reception to clean up!

So maybe while Canadians are more accepting of having to pay, I wouldn't go so far as to say its the norm.

thesequel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:b6593dc3-226d-45f9-893c-b424098f98b9">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm from Canada and have never been to a host/open bar. I've been to 10ish weddings and am going to 2 this year both of which will not be open bars. As a guest I would rather pay for a drink then not have any drinks.
Posted by bridezillatobe2009[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto - I'm also from Canada.  I have been to at least 12 weddings in the last 5 years.  Maybe 2-3 of those were full bars.  Most of them were wine, beer or some sugary signature drink and the rest was cash.  I honestly think that it depends on the region.  </div><div>
</div><div>Host what you can afford but if alcohol is important, then look for cuts in other places.</div>

lyndausvi

I'm kind of laughing at the "I'm from Canada and this is how we do things".... Canada is pretty big place.   It would be like me saying I'm from the US and this is how we do things.  As we know, Texas does things differently than Delaware. I would think there are difference between Ontroio and Nova Scotia.

libbyloutoo

I think it mainly depends on what is the norm in your circle

In my circle, NO ONE does open bar.  Every wedding I have ever attended has had a cash bar.  In fact most of my circle is thrilled if we show up to a wedding and the bride & groom are having a toonie bar instead of a full on $7 a drink bar.
The only open bar I've ever heard of in my circle was where the bride has a large Italian family and it was expected that they host an open bar

MyNameIsNot

According to etiquette, limited bar is fine, cash bar is not.  Some social circles forgive cash bars, but it still isn't proper etiquette.  

I would offer the limited bar, and do what I could to stretch that beer and wine for the whole reception, and then just don't offer liquor at all.  

brookelynpaisley

I've been to both, and honestly didn't feel slighted by a cash bar. I'd rather pay for drinks than have none.

We had a partially hosted bar. And it wasn't an issue of paying - my parents were not okay with an open bar and people getting loaded (because they feel free booze = more booze) no matter who paid. Our compromise was that we had a  hosted bar until after lunch (so for about 2 hours from cocktail hour to the end of lunch) and then it was cash after that, and the drinks were very reasonably priced. I went back and forth and talked to people and asked what they thought because I was really worried about it. No one in our circle seemed to care. Our wedding was mostly family though, and there is no "norm." There have been hosted, unhosted, and partially hosted bars. They all agreed they'd rather have alcohol available, even at a cost, then none.

So moral of my long story, only you know your crowd and how they'd feel. If you can cut back elsewhere to afford it, I think it's nice, but I think your guests will still have a good time either way.

mica178

 I've only ever been to weddings where all the beverages were hosted.  Some weddings had limited offerings (just wine/beer), but I've never had to open my wallet.  I believe that is the proper way of hosting guests.  

If possible, I'd go with the bartender pouring drinks so that someone can oversee alcohol consumption of your guests and cut off people who are intoxicated (I believe that limits your liability and might reduce your wedding insurance cost).  If you do put wine on the tables, using a decanter for the red achieves a few things - 1. the decanter is less likely to tip over if you use wide-based ones, 2. decanted wine usually tastes better than wine right out of the bottle, and 3. no one will know what wine you're serving <-- good if you're on a budget.

emyinpink

My problem with a switchover bar is it makes it super awkward for guests, especially ones who aren't used to cash bars. At one of our friend's wedding, it was hosted first, then switched to cash, with no notice. FI went up to get another drink, and luckily they told him before they poured it, because he had no cash with him, so wouldn't have been able to pay for it.

A limited bar (beer/wine only) is totally fine. We're not allowed to serve hard alcohol at our venue, so beer/wine was our only option. I highly recommend having the venue pour the wine vs. just having it at the tables. 1) People are more likely to pour much bigger glasses and waste it if they're pour it themselves. 2) Wines are supposed to be served at different temperatures, and red wines should be decanted if possible. 

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:7146fd06-968c-4527-81c6-b4cb4f94fc10">Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and are will be offering apple cider for cocktail hour and will have a limited "open bar" for our cocktail hour, where we will pay for beer, wine and soda only.  We will be placing 2 bottles of wine on each table for the reception.  Is it wrong to have a cash bar for the reception?  What are your thoughts on a limited bar, where we only pay for beer, wine and soda?  I have asked several people and receive different answers from each one.  What are your thoughts?
Posted by porky[/QUOTE]
My personal feeling is that hosts should pay for whatever is offered to their guests. I also feel that if you have to ask on TK, then it probably isn't the norm in your region/social circle.  I wouldn't want to be that person who decided to have a cash bar and pissed off her guests. 

maritimebride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:ec9ea8db-f862-4131-b3ad-58e9733befbd">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm kind of laughing at the "I'm from Canada and this is how we do things".... Canada is pretty big place.    It would be like me saying I'm from the US and this is how we do things.  As we know, Texas does things differently than Delaware. I would think there are difference between Ontroio and Nova Scotia.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
I was just about to quote one of the other Canadian girls and say theat in Northern Ontario, where I'm from, cash bars, tiered receptions and pre-wedding fundraiser parties are ALL the norm in 3 different cities/towns I lived in.    It's also the norm that the wedding party does the decortating/tear-down of the reception space in all the weddings I've been in.  I remember one hosted reception where you got an arms length of drink tickets and once they were gone you had to pay.

But I now live in Nova Scotia and in the 4 years I've been here I've attended maybe  15 weddings.  I was at one last Saturday and have at least 3-4 more this year.  Thay have all been cash bars, except for one at a winery, where wine was free and everything else you paid for. 

FI and I are considering hosting signature drinks and several non-alcoholic options and the option to buy beer, since most everyone in our crowd drinks liquor and would not mind having to spring for a beer if they want one.

vexie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bar-etiquette-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ecefdd8b-ae4f-4f80-aa8c-dcc3a4b4b8e0Post:f3b8b0d7-1c46-4c81-a85d-2faad7faaa20">Re: Bar Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bar Etiquette : I was just about to quote one of the other Canadian girls and say theat in Northern Ontario, where I'm from, cash bars, tiered receptions and pre-wedding fundraiser parties are ALL the norm in 3 different cities/towns I lived in.    <strong>It's also the norm that the wedding party does the decortating/tear-down of the reception space in all the weddings I've been in.</strong>  I remember one hosted reception where you got an arms length of drink tickets and once they were gone you had to pay. But I now live in Nova Scotia and in the 4 years I've been here I've attended maybe  15 weddings.  I was at one last Saturday and have at least 3-4 more this year.  Thay have all been cash bars, except for one at a winery, where wine was free and everything else you paid for.  FI and I are considering hosting signature drinks and several non-alcoholic options and the option to buy beer, since most everyone in our crowd drinks liquor and would not mind having to spring for a beer if they want one.
Posted by maritimebride2012[/QUOTE]

lol YUP!!   I've set up/taken down too many weddings in my day.  I'm 41 and it never even occurred to me that people hire decorators/coordinators to do these things for you until I started watching wedding shows on TV.   One of the reasons we chose the venue we did was because it's so incredbily pretty (an old church converted into a restaurant) that we don't need to decorate at all.... even the cetnrepieces are provided! ... so no family or friend has to lift a finger on the day of :)

I find this board so facsinating.  It just amazes me how expecations, 'norms', what is considered propere etc are so dfferent for brides... even when they live in the same area!   I'm glad we're not all expected to have cookie cutter wedding days :)

Oh... and just as a side note... just yesterday my FI's former in-laws (long story.. his late wife died during childbirth... they have just embraced me and welcomed me into their family and have become my 2'nd set of in-law's to be.  Odd situation but it's working!)  offered to pay substantial money towards the bar tab. Enough  that we are now able to provide an open bar duirng the cocktail hour :)   (no dance so no need to worry about the reception beyond dinner)

jsleik

I think limited wine/beer is just fine, but don't put the wine on the tables.  Either have the servers walk around and pour during dinner or have them at the bar,  If it has to be self-serve, put the wine on a table that people can go to.  My friends and I like red wine, so the white would sit and get warm while we were busy eyeing up other tables to steal their red.  By serving or at least putting the wine in a central location, you'll cut down on waste.