Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?

Camp455

The bride previously told me her and her FI are actually getting married in a courthouse a few days before their wedding. I've read on here it's not ok to have a ceremony and reception if you're already married.. because, well you're already married.. plus its deceitful. Is it ok if you're being upfront and honest about it?

SJM7538

I'm not sure why they would do this if it's only a matter of a few days? Why not just wait? Did they explain why?

with that said - I think that because it's only a matter of a few days then it really isn't a big deal. If they were getting married months or years beforehand then that is an issue.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:89e538d0-88ca-41c5-9572-10c71348ec0a">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]No.  Why would someone need a fancy, expensive party to celebrate a non-event?  The bride is either an AW who wants to prance around in her wedding gown for attention, or is greedy for wedding presents.  If she really cared about friends and family, she would wait and be married in their presence.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

That's my opinion. But the board is pretty split.

We all agree that you shouldn't be deceitful about it. I think it's pointless to have a big, wedding-type event if you are allowing people to actually witness your marriage ceremony. At that point, it's like putting on a play for no reason. I wouldn't do it, and probably wouldn't go unless it was for a very close friend or immediate family member.

ggirl2001

Why are they getting married a few days before? That just seems weird to me. And are they telling ALL the guests or just a select few? 

I really don't understand doing this and I see it all the time since my H is military.  Most of the reasons why people do it don't make sense to me. However if everyone coming knows and is aware of this then I don't care and I would probably attend. 

ETA: Yeah, her reasoning would make not want to go. Because of a date they are moving it up?? 

lyndausvi

I guess I need to know why they are getting married a few days ahead of time. 

I just went to a wedding in Austria where they couple got married a few months earlier for immigration reasons.   Having the civil ceremony was easier in the US.   The Austrian wedding was their Catholic wedding (bride is from Austria). .  In Austria you MUST have a civil ceremony.  Religious ones do not count.  They would have had to have 2 anyway.

lyndausvi

::rolls eyes::

I would still attend, but I like parties.    It's the same week, so the couple will still have the same 'glow' I like to see in couples.

But yes, I think their reason is beyond stupid.

beardo1111

In principle a "fake wedding" is bad form....but in this case I don't think it's a big deal.  If that date is important to them but it's in the middle of the week then I think it makes sense to just wait until the weekend to do the reception.  What kind of second ceremony are they having?  Who is officiating?  Maybe it's not completely correct, but since its just a couple days, they're being upfront, and they do have a reason (and who are we to judge whether its a good or bad reason), I would cut her some slack.  It's not like their expecting two rounds of gifts or you two attend two events or anything like that.

AdeleDazeem

Maybe I'm way too literal, but I just can't take the ceremony seriously if the bride and groom are already married.  Why the dress?  Why the walk down the aisle?  Why an officient?  None of it MEANS anything - they're just putting on a play.  It all seems so pointless to me.  The purpose of the ceremony is to start unmarried and end married.  If that doesn't happen, I simply don't understand.

I feel like there was a deleted post about why the couple is doing this... Lynda rolled her eyes at something I can't see :-)

MrsWolf422

My husband and I got married a year ago in a courhouse. Our "real" wedding is in a few weeks. It has nothing to do with wanting attention or presents; it's about wanting my dad to walk me down the aisle, sharing our vows with family and friends, and celebrating.

We did it this way because it wasn't financially or logistically possible a year ago. We are both active duty Marines. I had just returned from a deployment to Afghanistan and we had a month together before he left on his deployment, so no time to plan anything other than a run to the courthouse.

As long as your guests know that you're already legally married, then I see no problem with it.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:834bd3fc-415e-4e13-b444-46f59fda5529">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I got married a year ago in a courhouse. Our "real" wedding is in a few weeks. It has nothing to do with wanting attention or presents; it's about wanting my dad to walk me down the aisle, sharing our vows with family and friends, and celebrating.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

<div>If this is what you wanted, you either should've done it a year ago or waited a year to get married.  Your wedding day was at the courthouse.  Putting on a piece of performance art for your family and friends and calling it your "real" wedding doesn't make it so.</div>

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:7cd10549-308b-4a58-8fbe-33219b33f20a">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : If this is what you wanted, you either should've done it a year ago or waited a year to get married.  Your wedding day was at the courthouse.  Putting on a piece of performance art for your family and friends and calling it your "real" wedding doesn't make it so.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I guess I didn't edit my post quickly enough, but I modified it with my reasoning. No one in either of our families has had a problem with it.

StephBeanWed61502

That's fine, but what you're planning is still not your "real" wedding.  Your "real" wedding is the one at which you were legally wed.  A year ago.  At the courthouse.

ETA:  Saying otherwise is extremely disrespectful to the many people who have had courthouse weddings and only courthouse weddings.  You're implying a wedding isn't "real" unless there's a PPD, and that's just not true.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:6ccf09a8-8b90-4107-a311-7339455aecaf">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm way too literal, but I just can't take the ceremony seriously if the bride and groom are already married.  Why the dress?  Why the walk down the aisle?  Why an officient?  None of it MEANS anything - they're just putting on a play.  It all seems so pointless to me.  The purpose of the ceremony is to start unmarried and end married.  If that doesn't happen, I simply don't understand. I feel like there was a deleted post about why the couple is doing this... Lynda rolled her eyes at something I can't see :-)
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

It was the actual date, but OP deleted it so her friend wouldn't see it.  As she said, it is because they want a particular date....think repeated numbers, or something along those lines.  I think it's a pretty ridiculous reason to have their ceremony early.  Why not just own up to it and have a Thursday wedding??

misshart00

I feel like the reasoning is lame because most of the point of a cute date is so that you can put it on all your wedding stationary. If it was a date that actually meant something to them, it might be different, but it doesn't sound like it is. I wanted to get married Feb. 29, but we already had the wedding planned for the next week. My mom suggested we go ahead and get married on that day so we could have the anniversary date. I told her there was no point in that, especially now that we have our invitation framed in our house. It would be like a constant reminder that you didn't actually get married that day.

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:c5390a77-1e73-43bd-9822-88e8e88709cf">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's fine, but what you're planning is still not your "real" wedding.  Your "real" wedding is the one at which you were legally wed.  A year ago.  At the courthouse. ETA:  Saying otherwise is extremely disrespectful to the many people who have had courthouse weddings and only courthouse weddings.  You're implying a wedding isn't "real" unless there's a PPD, and that's just not true.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

You're taking my "real" too literally. We refer to it as that because it's an actual wedding and reception and not a civil ceremony. As far as the 2nd part of this saying it's disrespectful, different strokes for different folks. Don't be so sensitive. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

ootmother2

IMO, if all the guests know that they are just going to celebrate with you, not to see you married, it's okay..


but then, I just adore parties for any reason

annieoldfield

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:6ccf09a8-8b90-4107-a311-7339455aecaf">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm way too literal, but I just can't take the ceremony seriously if the bride and groom are already married.  Why the dress?  Why the walk down the aisle?  Why an officient?  None of it MEANS anything - they're just putting on a play.  It all seems so pointless to me.  The purpose of the ceremony is to start unmarried and end married.  If that doesn't happen, I simply don't understand. I feel like there was a deleted post about why the couple is doing this... Lynda rolled her eyes at something I can't see :-)
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>This is exactly how I feel. I have 90 days to enter the US and marry my FI but instead of taking the easy way and doing a courthouse and a big event later. Were just doing it in the 90 days, itll be hard to sort everything but as you said, the big event after would have just felt meaningless to us. Plus I would want my family to see my actual marriage. If they cant come see that then why do they need to see a put on show. </div><div>
</div><div>I was trying to explain this on a visa forum, to the people saying they were doing court house and "real wedding" after. On how the courthouse is the real wedding. And I was pounced on about how im being harsh and it does mean something! and blah blah blah.. </div>

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:ece9de21-70a0-44c1-a12f-8eb8d7af1330">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : No.  For some people the civil ceremony WAS their wedding (as it should be). Don't be so obtuse.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure why you feel the need to nitpick my wording. You disagree and that's your opinion. I happen to hold an alternate viewpoint. I don't see a civil ceremony as a wedding. I see it as a civil ceremony. To me, a wedding is the full on celebration.

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:2b3547cb-5948-4b51-8985-e17b79f43aa1">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : You're taking my "real" too literally. <strong>We refer to it as that because it's an actual wedding and reception </strong>and not a civil ceremony. As far as the 2nd part of this saying it's disrespectful, different strokes for different folks. Don't be so sensitive.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

But it's not an actual wedding.  You were already married.  You are putting on a show for friends and family and it's utterly ridiculous.

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:66cc3e50-8618-46a5-976c-a320e1e1f20f">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : Whatever, that's fine for you.  OTHER PEOPLE, here, on this board, have had civil ceremonies.  Calling what they had "not a wedding" is rude.  You're devaluing their experiences. For the record, I did not have a civil ceremony.  I just don't like your rudeness  I'm pointing it out to you because people will remember what you're saying, and it makes a bad impression.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

You're being way too sensitive about this. I'm not devaluing the fact that some got married in civil ceremonies. I would've been happy to have only had a civil ceremony and gone on with it. Would it make you feel better if I said "formal" wedding instead of "real"? Jeez.

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:59be6183-ca1b-4de6-9e96-9bb962b5fdb8">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : But it's not an actual wedding.  You were already married.  You are putting on a show for friends and family and it's utterly ridiculous.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

That's your opinion. I see it as sharing a celebration of our marriage.

MrsWolf422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:6c5f7726-7fb2-4e6a-8519-598a7f525840">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : Here it is.  You sound like a snot.  If you're good with that, then great.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Lol I'm happy to sound like a snot if that's what you think. I see nothing wrong with having a formal wedding after already being married and I'm thrilled to be having one so I can celebrate with my family. People do vow renewals without any grief.

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:2e5ae76c-5ddf-4ce3-817f-665d8fa71136">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : That's your opinion. I see it as sharing a celebration of our marriage.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

That would be called a party, not a wedding ceremony and reception. 

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:6404621c-384e-45a3-a481-585006f7389c">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : Lol I'm happy to sound like a snot if that's what you think. I see nothing wrong with having a formal wedding after already being married and I'm thrilled to be having one so I can celebrate with my family. People do vow renewals without any grief.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

<div>And you will have a very lovely <strong>vow renewal</strong>.</div>

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:6404621c-384e-45a3-a481-585006f7389c">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : Lol I'm happy to sound like a snot if that's what you think. I see nothing wrong with having a formal wedding after already being married and I'm thrilled to be having one so I can celebrate with my family. People do vow renewals without any grief.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

<div>Vow renewals are not typically referred to as weddings.  And when done tastefully do not involve poofy dresses, being walked down the aisle, bridal parties, first dances, or really most of the other "wedding" aspects of a reception, since you know.. the couple is already married.  There is a vow renewal, food, drink and entertainment.</div>

ggirl2001

Uh MrsWolf, you are doing a vow renewal. You are already married and planning a party after the fact and planning to do a ceremony. That would be called a vow renewal. What do you think you are doing? 

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:834bd3fc-415e-4e13-b444-46f59fda5529">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I got married a year ago in a courhouse. Our "real" wedding is in a few weeks. It has nothing to do with wanting attention or presents; it's about wanting my dad to walk me down the aisle, sharing our vows with family and friends, and celebrating. We did it this way because it wasn't financially or logistically possible a year ago. We are both active duty Marines. I had just returned from a deployment to Afghanistan and we had a month together before he left on his deployment, so no time to plan anything other than a run to the courthouse. As long as your guests know that you're already legally married, then I see no problem with it.
Posted by MrsWolf422[/QUOTE]

First off, thank you to both you and your husband for your service to our country.  I understand what everyone is saying about "real weddings" but in your case you sandwiched a quick marriage ceremony in between two DEPLOYMENTS to a WAR.....and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you you can't have whatever kind of party you want once you both are back here safe and sound.  You guys risked your lives to serve your country (and all of us) - if you want to put on a white dress and have party so your friends and family can celebrate with you and call it a wedding, then go for it.

I'm a military brat with two Army parents who were deployed several times while I was growing up, so I may be a bit more sensitive than others - but I think in this case you guys get a free pass.  If you want to call it your "real" wedding (note it's THEIR real wedding, which has nothing to do with anyone else's wedding) then go for it.

gurrlballa10

Yeah, you should probably take a gander over on the military brides board. They don't agree with that method either.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:b2a1242b-e8f2-4edd-a011-6b6da6245fc9">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : First off, thank you to both you and your husband for your service to our country.  I understand what everyone is saying about "real weddings" but in your case you sandwiched a quick marriage ceremony in between two DEPLOYMENTS to a WAR.....and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you you can't have whatever kind of party you want once you both are back here safe and sound.  You guys risked your lives to serve your country (and all of us) - if you want to put on a white dress and have party so your friends and family can celebrate with you and call it a wedding, then go for it. I'm a military brat with two Army parents who were deployed several times while I was growing up, so I may be a bit more sensitive than others - but I think in this case you guys get a free pass.  If you want to call it your "real" wedding (note it's THEIR real wedding, which has nothing to do with anyone else's wedding) then go for it.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah, you still can't have a second wedding.  Just like you can't redo childbirth, or graduation.  My brother - who was in the air force and deployed 3 times - missed my graduation.  Should I get to redo those things, so he can be a part of it?  While it isn't quite the same thing as a wedding, it falls within the same line.  You can get married and have one wedding unless you get divorced. </div><div>
</div><div>Since she and her husband were deployed, a lovely party celebrating their marriage and safe return would be absolutely lovely and would save her from looking like a snot. </div><div>
</div><div>I honestly don't intend for anything of that to come off bitchy. But you shouldn't be given a free pass.  Because we are, after all, an equal society, right?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I also like what Soup said.  If she wanted to have the best party any of her friends and family had seen to celebrate her marriage, that would be awesome. It could be a vow renewal or it could be a kind of reception (because a reception is really just a party).  But there is no resason to be condescending and saying she now gets her "real wedding". 

</div>

ggirl2001

But its not a "real wedding". When did real wedding come to mean a big fancy party with a big fancy poofy dress? A real wedding is the day you get married. They are having a party to celebrate their marriage, sure, and as long as everyone knows the truth then I'm sure friends and family don't care. But I don't understand how this is a "real wedding". Because it's not. 

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:e0f5d2d5-f372-406f-9651-e5eafe6b9e28">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : My point exactly.  And calling someone else's wedding at the courthouse not a "real" wedding just reeks of irony.  And entitlement.  
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Thank you Jackie from a courthouse married person ;)  (How have you been??)