Bridal Shower Help!

katehar01

OK, so I'm getting married 8/12/12.  2 of my best friends are getting married in July and October.  We are all in each other's weddings, and I am my one friend's MOH (neither of them are mine, it's my sister).

Firstly - is it traditionally my responsibility to pay for my friend's bridal shower myself, or is the financial burden shared among the bridesmaids?  I know people might not follow tradition, but I can't get a straight answer on what the tradition is.

Secondly - I started thinking about my friend's shower and emailed her Mom to ask approximate number of people, if she wants to do one big shower or run her own family shower, whose house to do it at, etc.  She responded that she wants to do one big shower - at a restaurant. 

She did say that she'd "help financially", but I'm still nervous.  Obviously I want my friend to have everything she deserves, but finances are an issue with my own wedding approaching, bachelorette parties for all the girls, and so on. 

So my question: is it appropriate for me to give my friend's Mom an amount I can afford to contribute and ask her to cover the rest?  I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to leave it ambiguous until the last second and have her think I can spend more than I can.  Sorry this is so long, thanks!

mkrupar

I would figure out who among the other BMs wants to contribute with planning and or paying for the shower. Once you know what the budget is and how much each person is willing to contribute (read WILLING, not forced to contribute).

If that amount can cover a shower at a restaurant, great. If not, I would plan what you can afford. If mom really wants to contribute she'll step up with an amount to contribute.

whitsy

First: As a BM for my FSIL's shower in a few months, the MOH approached it to me like this: She's spending about $200 on the shower, and asked what I was able to help with. I told her a number, and she said awesome, let's go buy supplies one day, you can do your amount, and I'll pay the rest. I wasn't offended at all that she asked me to help, but you can't expect the other girls to help.

Second: You come up with a number that you can afford, and personally, I wouldn't go over it or even expect friend's mom to contribute more. You don't want to plan over your budget.

LittleMissCutiePie

Never invoice people. It's very gracious of her to offer, but if you are the host you need to be prepared to pay the full amount. Ask the BMs if they want to cohost, and let them in on the planning. If they're involved in the planning, they'll know the costs and contribute. Hopefully.

RaptorSLH

There is no one right answer to who pays.  I think most often is MOH or a family member in the lead, with contributions by bridesmaids.  More important than "tradition" are the details of each situation.  No one is obligated to pay more for a shower, or to volunteer more time, than they are comfortable with.  

Yes, tell her mom what you can comfortably afford up front, and plan accordingly.  If anyone else volunteers to help, show the same respect for their limitations.

andrea2473

It seems as though you are under the impression that as MOH you have to throw the shower, and that it has to be under the brides specifications.  Neither are true.  Anyone can throw a shower. It doesn't have to be the MOH.  If you are happy to do it, you need to let the bride (and her mother in this case, I suppose) what you are able to do.  If her mother insists on more than you can do, she should pony up for the rest of it.  Or you can offer to do something smaller/less expensive, and THAT can be her shower.  

So to answer your question: yes.  You need to tell her what you are able to do.  Good luck.

ETA: I forgot to include that you can ask the other BM's if they can help beforehand.  They are under no obligation to of course, but might be willing to contribute.

katehar01

Thanks for all your ideas!  I agree about just planning for what I can afford....I guess it's just that my friend's mother's response about the restaurant seemed more like "this is what we're doing" than a suggestion.  Perhaps that's my hint I should let her take the lead on planning this.  I just didn't want to shirk my MOH responsibilities.

I think I'll ask the other girls if/what they can contribute and just fill the mother in on our budget!  Thanks again, I feel better.

Kristin789

>>is it traditionally my responsibility to pay for my friend's bridal shower myself, or is the financial burden shared among the bridesmaids? I know people might not follow tradition, but I can't get a straight answer on what the tradition is.

Traditionally, the MOH hosts the shower, assisted by the BMs.  That either means that the cost is divided equally among those people, or if the MOH is in a better position financially, the MOH can pay more and divide the rest among the BMs.

The MOB does not host the shower and doesn't pay for the shower.  (And if the MOB insists to the MOH that she really wants to contribute, the MOH takes the money quietly so no one knows.)

rebarobert2012

You are not obligated to pay for the entire shower.  If you have offered to host, however, it's perfectly fine to do whatever you can afford.

Stina2012

I'd clarify with the MOB. Something like "when you say restaurant does that mean you are already planning or have already planned one big shower? If so, is there anything I can do to help? If not, I am happy to plan a shower but will have a smaller budget so was thinking we would do a shower at my house."