Wedding Etiquette Forum

Frustrated rant

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Re: Frustrated rant

  • Since almost everyone has absolutely derided the bride in this post, I'm going to give her a little support. I think you are completely entitled to feel slighted by his family, and no, you do not have to be a perfect specimen of graciousness and equality when they have not shown you the same courtesy. Is this perfect? No. Will it likely make only your time harder, as opposed to his parents'? Yea. But i absolutely disagree that you need to completely split the guest list down the middle when his parents aren't contributing a cent. In a perfect world, everyone would contribute and everyone would be supportive and everyone would be invited to the wedding, but this is not a perfect world. Your parents, and you and your FI, are hosting this event, and therefore your guest list comes first. Should you purposely exclude their side if you have the money to invite all of their desired guests? Of course not. But you should not cut close family or friends so that they can have an equal number. You also are not "spoiled" or a "princess" for expecting what you were told to expect. You also aren't wrong for being angry that they favor his sister and aren't helping you at all. While they have a right to spend their money as they see fit, you also have a right to feel hurt about it when you have evidence that they can afford to help and simply don't like you as much. I'm sorry you were insulted on the board for feeling slighted and upset, because in your situation, I would feel that way too. Hang in there and try to rise above. 
    Dreaming of our Hawaiian honeymoon! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Since almost everyone has absolutely derided the bride in this post, I'm going to give her a little support. I think you are completely entitled to feel slighted by his family, and no, you do not have to be a perfect specimen of graciousness and equality when they have not shown you the same courtesy. Is this perfect? No. Will it likely make only your time harder, as opposed to his parents'? Yea. But i absolutely disagree that you need to completely split the guest list down the middle when his parents aren't contributing a cent. In a perfect world, everyone would contribute and everyone would be supportive and everyone would be invited to the wedding, but this is not a perfect world. Your parents, and you and your FI, are hosting this event, and therefore your guest list comes first. Should you purposely exclude their side if you have the money to invite all of their desired guests? Of course not. But you should not cut close family or friends so that they can have an equal number. You also are not "spoiled" or a "princess" for expecting what you were told to expect. You also aren't wrong for being angry that they favor his sister and aren't helping you at all. While they have a right to spend their money as they see fit, you also have a right to feel hurt about it when you have evidence that they can afford to help and simply don't like you as much. I'm sorry you were insulted on the board for feeling slighted and upset, because in your situation, I would feel that way too. Hang in there and try to rise above. 
    Dreaming of our Hawaiian honeymoon! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mizutamababymizutamababy member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited August 2012
    I would be concerned about your FI not standing up for you.

    Whenever my MIL says negative things about me (usually geared towards me not being Japanese), my FI either calls her out on it either right then and there if it's just us or later if it was in front of other family members.

    Perhaps you should explain to your FI how his family's actions have hurt you and therefore while you don't mind them being involved, you feel like it wouldn't be right for you to cater to them when it seems like they don't even agree with the wedding/marriage to begin with.

    That said, I can't imagine anyone with an otherwise good relationship with their parents wanting to cut them out from their wedding, no matter if they were contributing or not.

    Nobody contributed to our wedding and MIL even stood us up at the airport and she never reimbursed us for the sudden hotel cancellation we had to do because of it even though it's been almost a year.  Annoying and rude?  You bet.  Did it damage her relationship with her son some?  Sure did.  Would it be worth it for me to get into it with her over this and any other past slights?  Doubtful and it would only make me look bad in the end.

    I do understand where you're coming from, though.  I think anyone saying they wouldn't be upset over being slighted one too many times is either Mother Teresa or fibbing a little to themselves.  Still, this is the E board so no one's going to tell you to fight fire with fire.
  • To the OP - I hear ya. Yes, I agree with some other people that say it's none of your business what other ppl spend their money on, but c'mon...it's frustrating that she says one thing and does another. Hang in there. 

    Laura 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_frustrated-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:eef65a6a-c741-40ad-9bfa-399877a47ab6Post:fedd0c87-e82b-4919-bc61-68994d8c2443">Frustrated rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone! I wanted to get some objective opinions out there because I'm really at a loss. I just got engaged to the love of my life and I'm really excited, but some things are coming up with his family that are really bothering me. First off I am Christian and my fiancee is Jewish, raised in an orthodox home. His mom has come around and has congratulated us, but his dad has not, and I highly doubt he will be coming to our wedding. I really hope he does but he has stated that he wants nothing to do with our wedding and to not expect him and his wife to help out. Aside of all this drama, my parents are very happy for us and are contributing a large amount to our reception. They told my fiancee and I that they are more than happy to come help us check out venues if we wanted. Now my fiancee's mother told him a while ago that she would also contribute a little to our wedding, that it may not be much but that she would give something. She said that she did not know about her husband but that she would give what she could. My fiancee and I had never even broached this subject with her and had never planned to but we were pleasantly surprised and appreciative. Now that we are looking at venues, his mother tells him that she cannot contribute anything to the wedding but that she will give a "nicer" gift, whatever that means. What's irritating me about this situation is two things - one she should have just never said anything about giving something towards the wedding and I would have been fine. Two, I find it a little messed up that her and her husband took out a huge loan to help finance his sister's fancy wedding a few years back, but then will give absolutely nothing to their son. I know that traditionally the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and maybe the honeymoon, and while I never expected that to happen I thought something would have been contributed. To me it's not the money - it's the gesture and the fact that someone says one thing and does another. Now I'm getting aggravated because my fiancee keeps trying to involve his mother in the wedding planning process and is asking her to let us know what venues she wants to come view with us. He is also asking her to make a guest list of who she wants to invite on top of the people from her side that we already have on our list (we have 210 people in total and it is split pretty evenly between his side and my side). I'm sorry but I really do not think this is appropriate - I want his family to obviously come to the wedding and be a part of our special day, but I do not want them involved in the planning process at this point. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I don't plan on saying anything to them and I really want things to be as cordial and pleasant as possible, but I also really don't think it's not fair to me or my family to involve people in the planning process when they are contributing nothing. 
    Posted by bern345[/QUOTE]

    I do not find this ridiculous at all. If my fiance's parent(s) treated me like this, I would feel exactly the same way you do. People who are not willing to contribute any funds to the wedding are not in the right to give their opinion about anything. So what if he wants to include his mother in the planning process - his father doesn't support your union, and has probably convinced his mother to go back on her word about contriubuting any funds to the two of you. The fact that his parents took out a loan to help his sister with her wedding and are completely against your wedding speaks volumes. If I were in your situation, I would tell my fiance exactly how I feel, and I would also tell his mother to her face that her opinion will not be welcome from here on out. You would only be responding in kind.
  • I'm so glad I got married in my 40s.  Wow.  My husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves, including the rehearsal dinner.  Planned the whole thing ourselves.  And by doing to, we managed to avoid a lot of this crap.  Seriously. 

    It sounds like your fiance's mother is in between a rock and a hard place.  Sounds like she wants to be all in on the wedding planning but her annoying husband is shutting her down because you're not Jewish. 

    So with that in mind, and remembering that this woman *should* be like a second mother to you, I suggest you treat her with kindness and understanding.  Invite her along when she wants to go but just bear in mind that she is only in the position to make suggestions, not decisions. 

    The wedding planning process is a really good rehearsal for the rest of your life and your lifelong relationship-building (or ruining) starts now. 

    You be the bigger person.  You be the one who extends a hand in kindness.  And the payoff will be a much more relaxed wedding when the day finally comes.  Good luck to you.
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