Including child in ceremony...

jme35

Hoping SOMEONE has some experience or advice, as my search of Al Gore's internet has come up empty ...

I would like to include a small passage in our wedding ceremony (after our exchange of vows or rings) that incorporates my FI's eight-year-old son.  In my head, I'd like it to be about the joining or creation of a family.  Has anyone seen this, particularly any wording in how it was done?

I think the way I'd like to execute is it for him (he's the best man/ring bearer) coming in front of us and holding one of each of our hands as we do this, and my FI and I holding hands as well.  I don't want it to be hokey, but as we try to get an eight-year-old to understand the importance of the ceremony itself, there's no better way than having him involved (possibly) in this way. 

Any advice is welcome! 

tidetravel

It's creepy.  The wedding is about joining a man and wife.  I don't think it's fair to ask a child to commit to a relationship that he probably doesn't even understand.

Mrs.B6302007

Being involved in the vow exchange is a little creepy.

How about a sand ceremony where his son can pour in sand to represent him and then you and his dad each pour in your own so that now you're a blended family?  Makes for a pretty display on a mantle.

nhelene

I think his being the best man is a grand gesture and quite sufficient.

Celles

That was my reaction when I read this, too.  Sorry. 

ohwhynot

I'd only advise to tread carefully because, as others have pointed out, there's something creepy about involving the child in any kind of vows or promises.  The marriage is between you and your husband.  However, acknowledging that a new family is being formed is fine and I can see how you'd want to make sure your son understands that he is an integral part of this new family. 

A family sand ceremony or candle ceremony is nice, I think - I'm pretty sure my ex had a candle ceremony involving our chidlren and his wife's child.  The officiant had a little spiel about how the individuals are coming together to form a new family as they each lit a taper candle into a larger "family" candle. 

Having your officiant make mention of the new family is another way to do it without crossing the line into creepy territory.  But don't make any vows to your stepson and DEFINITELY don't have him make any kind of vows regarding the marriage - that's way over the line and just completely inappropriate. 

MrsHaH101010

I have seen ceremonies where the children of the bride or groom go to the front and they all pour sand into a unity vase.  Each person had a different color and basically the same words were used when it is only the bride and groom creating the vase.  It is nice because then you also get to keep the vase after the wedding.

I have also seen ceremonies where (in your case) you present a gift to your FI's son as a sign that you are committing your life to him.

I think either would be appropriate for an 8 year old.  I personally have a 4 year old and I am trying to think of the best thing to do for him.

[Deleted User]

I was planning on doing something like this for my 5 year old son. My FI is the only father that Ben has ever known and Ben is a huge part of our lives together. To us, it is like a family marriage.

Ultimately, I decided to scrap the idea, though, for two main reasons. First, I didn't feel that Ben was ready for it. I don't want him to say anything that I give to him to recite as that is not something coming from his heart. And second, after seeing the reaction that many posters have to the idea of children's vows, I came to realize that my guests would likely have the same reaction. The last thing that I want to do is creep everyone out.

The bottom line is that we are already a family and it matters not to Ben what role he plays. He'll just be excited to be there as the ring bearer and overall special little guy.

Calumet

I saw a wedding where the bride and groom had a "family vow". They had written their own vows to each, after they read them, they each read a separate promise to the groom's daughter. It was all about family not love/marriage.

ohwhynot

Cew, that's the way it's coming together for us, too.  I had floated ideas ranging from doing a candle ceremony to having the children read a passage during the ceremony but in the end, the marriage is between Mark and me. 

The children are standing up as my only attendants and will be pretty excited to dress up, walk down the aisle, and be first in line for the cake. 

JessAndTrav

I wouldn't do it.

I don't think that a young child can understand what that means.

jme35

Thanks for all who chimed in - I probably wasn't clear that I wasn't including him in our vows(and I would think that was creepy, too).  The marriage is about the husband and wife.

What I was more envisioning is an upbeat couple of sentences, read by our officiant (who is also the godfather of FI's son) - we have a reading (by my HS friend)  after our vows and the ring exchange, and I was thinking it was going to be somewhere after that to slot it in.  Something about it being a happy occasion, etc.  (not have anyone make any additional vows/promises, just a nice acknowledgement of the "new family")

You have all given me stuff to think about, though - which I appreciate.  I CERTAINLY don;t want to make people uncomfortable.