I'm conflicted-set me straight

louisvillebride21

About a month ago, my mom told H and I to keep this coming weekend free. They have a time share in Gatlinburg and she wasn't sure she'd be able to go. Grandpa's health has been touch and go. Well, she tells us a couple weeks ago that it looks like she can go. And then she told us that she couldn't.

We asked our best friend couple if they wanted to join us. Then the guy tells us that it's C's bach party. Well H didn't even know when it was or that he was invited. He nver got the FB invite. He and C have a rocky history and things are finally looking good.

We decided well, that sucks, but he didnt' even get an invite, so he's not going to worry about it. He then gets an invite. And then my mom says it looks like she can go. So Sunday H tells the host that yeah, he'll go and help pay for the bus rental. Mom tells me on Monday that grandpa is back in the hospital and she can't go. She was going to loose $400 if someone didnt go. It's transferable, but not refundable. So I call H and tell him we can go. He seemed hesitant and told him just not to worry about it, we won't go. Well, I thought about it and I realized I never ever ask him to 'choose' me over his friends. I really need this vacation. So I call him back and tell him I really want him to go with me. He agrees and says it's fine.

I find out today that he never told the guys he wasn't coming. Now I'm pissed that he waited to the last second. I don't think the guys would have been mad on Monday, but now that it's the last second, I think they will be. So I told H that he can't come with me, he has to go to the party and I'll go by myself.

I'm dreading the 5 hour drive alone, but I really need to get away. I'm upset that H didn't really make his desires really known about how bad he wanted to go and agreed in the first place. And I'm mad he didn't just tell his friends to keep all this from happening. And I'm mad at myself for being upset with him.

Ok, give it to me.

crfische

that was like an algebra problem, and I ran out of x's.

Why didn't he tell them until now? Was he afraid they'd be mad at him?

On another note, a weekend away by yourself can be so awesome. I hope you enjoy it, either way.

tidetravel

Just go and enjoy yourself.  It sounds like it was a clusterfuuck of a situation, anyway. 

I imagine your DH sitting there with a blank look on his face going, "What the heck did I do?" while you storm out of the room crying. 

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:4162d589-9a42-4678-8abe-f2ee2354b914">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]that was like an algebra problem, and I ran out of x's. <strong>Why didn't he tell them until now? Was he afraid they'd be mad at him?</strong> On another note, a weekend away by yourself can be so awesome. I hope you enjoy it, either way.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Pissed off me thinks he was waiting for things to change again and he'd get to go. Rational me thinks he was just being a lazy fucker.

Themis278

Girls weekend? Grab a friend and go!


I see your point H screwed up but really its guys, how much do they plan ahead? My FIs friends are kinda of like this, its not great, I don't like planning non-formal stuff with them but at the same time they never get offended if someone can't show.  At the same time FI's family is huge plans events assumes were coming and FI will wait or wavier on what he really wants to do until the last minute. It drives me nuts!

I'd say you need to at least go and get the vacation you deserve, grab a girlfriend and go have a good time.

Then when you come back talk about the "family calendar" after you've relaxed and don't  want to yell at him anymore...

tidetravel

Would he be willing to chip in for the bus rental and not go?  They may be upset that he's not there to party with them, but at least he would be taking care of the financial commitment that he made.   

louisvillebride21

I'm sure that's what he was thinking. But in my mind, it COULDNT' have changed this time. I mean, I explained how bad things are with grandpa (not life threating, just mom can't leave him), so there's absolutly no way mom could go now. I mean he'll still be in the hospital this weekend. But I'm sure he didn't realize it (even though I told him)

And you're right Sarah, too complicated for man feelings.

Just...arg.

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:56c722c6-af71-4793-a129-a54ffb373a14">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Would he be willing to chip in for the bus rental and not go?  They may be upset that he's not there to party with them, but at least he would be taking care of the financial commitment that he made.   
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Yeah, he's already commited to that. But he thinks they'll still be mad. He and the groom had a HUGE falling out about a year ago. They're just now patching things up. I mean, we didn't even invite him to our wedding. But between our wedding and now, things have gotten better. He make the effort to invite us to their wedding, so H feels like it's more than just a party.

tidetravel

He could have just forgotten. 

georgia_bride09

I would kill to go to a cabin by myself for the weekend. I understand how the whole H situation isn't ideal, but I can sort of see his side too.

I would just rest up before the trip, then go and have a good ol' solo time.

Themis278

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:d3c72746-ee40-46ad-acbc-31d647ecd24b">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I think all of this may be too complicated for man feelings.<strong> If I were mad at Charlie for a similar reason and trying to explain why, I think I would have to use sock puppets</strong>. Go on your vacation. You may be dreading the drive alone now, but you might find that it relaxes you, and that the time on your own recharges your batteries in unexpected ways. Sometimes it's good to get away by yourself for a bit.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

I love this!!! Shawn tries really hard to balance everything but neither of our schedules are easy to work with. When I get upset or just flustered because I can't plan anything he just looks at me like deer in headlights, and I give up .... next time I'm trying sock puppets!!!

FI refs soccer all over 2 counties from april-nov and his family is huge and the holidaies are marathons from nov-jan, add in my on-call and all the after hours work I do .... well this happens a lot in our household

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:765bb087-a631-42fe-ac06-90cdf46bc0f3">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight : Yeah, he's already commited to that. But he thinks they'll still be mad. He and the groom had a HUGE falling out about a year ago. They're just now patching things up. I mean, we didn't even invite him to our wedding. But between our wedding and now, things have gotten better. He make the effort to invite us to their wedding, so H feels like it's more than just a party.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

Eh, well...  Just let it go then.  It's obviously important to him that he attend.  Once he RSVPed to the B-party, he kind of locked down "solid plans" for the weekend.  It's unfortunate that the vacation house became available, but what can you do?

In my head, it's (kind of) like RSVPing yes for a wedding, and then backing out because you found something more fun to do that day. 

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:52abde76-e02b-4149-a969-e5dec37b19b9">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight : Eh, well...  Just let it go then.  It's obviously important to him that he attend.  Once he RSVPed to the B-party, he kind of locked down "solid plans" for the weekend.  It's unfortunate that the vacation house became available, but what can you do? In my head, it's (kind of) like RSVPing yes for a wedding, and then backing out because you found something more fun to do that day. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

And in my head (right or wrong), he already agreed (a month or more ago) to keep this weekend free for me. So I sorta feel like he's backing out of the weekend with me for the more fun thing.

I see what you're saying, but I'm upset so it's hard to see it logically. I guess I'm just hurt a little and it's making it harder.

Themis278

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:765bb087-a631-42fe-ac06-90cdf46bc0f3">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight : Yeah, he's already commited to that. But he thinks they'll still be mad. He and the groom had a HUGE falling out about a year ago. They're just now patching things up. I mean, we didn't even invite him to our wedding. But between our wedding and now, things have gotten better. He make the effort to invite us to their wedding, so H feels like it's more than just a party.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

Sounds like he is trying to make this friendship work - I'd say just go and relax 5 hours in the car by yourself can mean 5 hours of music H doesn't like!

danieliza1127

Well, you can't really blame him.  I mean, your Mom went back and forth several times, what was he supposed to do?  Even if he was lazy and just didnt' tell the guys very early...I don't know.  In this situation, I wouldn't be mad at him.  It's not too late for him to cancel going to the party, but now you've told him not to so now you're stuck going alone.

It can't be rescheduled?  I don't know, I love spending time alone, but I don't think I would want to drive 5 hours to do it.  Can your Mom find anyone else to go?  Or reschedule it?  It seems tough that she's counting solely on you to save her from losing this money.

It's a tough situation.  I'm sorry LVB.  I hope you have a great and relaxing time if you do go.  Go to a spa, or take your stuff with you and give yourself a mani and pedi, take a good book and some bubble bath, just relax and enjoy yourself.

Birdie1483

That sucks LVB. I agree with Sarah about how sometimes things are too much for guys to handle in the emotional department. I don't know if you remember my Halloween 2008 story, but I don't think FI understood how I really felt in that situation for a LONG time.

I would be upset as well if FI waited until the last second to tell his friends. I might also be a biitch though, because I would be like it's your own fault you didn't tell your friends I'm sorry they're mad at you! You said you would go with me so we're going!

Since things have been kind of stressful lately, I would suggest loading some good books on your Kindle and making the drive down there even if you can't find anyone to go with. Possibly look at some places to shop? Take a few bottles of wine.

Themis278

not to hijack the port but, Andressfrank what is your doxie trying to get into in your siggy pic?!?!?! PS he/she is super cute

edit: post*

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:5fb714ca-c0a0-4a2e-a7c0-ac96f8b72287">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, you can't really blame him.  I mean, your Mom went back and forth several times, what was he supposed to do?  Even if he was lazy and just didnt' tell the guys very early...I don't know.  In this situation, I wouldn't be mad at him.  It's not too late for him to cancel going to the party, but now you've told him not to so now you're stuck going alone. It can't be rescheduled?  I don't know, I love spending time alone, but I don't think I would want to drive 5 hours to do it.  Can your Mom find anyone else to go?  Or reschedule it?  It seems tough that she's counting solely on you to save her from losing this money. It's a tough situation.  I'm sorry LVB.  I hope you have a great and relaxing time if you do go.  Go to a spa, or take your stuff with you and give yourself a mani and pedi, take a good book and some bubble bath, just relax and enjoy yourself.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

It can't be rescheduled, no. I don't understand it, it has something to do with the time share situation. I'm the only one thats (normally) flexible enough to just drop everything and go. Only kid without kids and all that. I am going and am going to try to have a great time. I think I'll let my 'revenge' be shopping more than I had intended to lol. Gatlinburg is one of my favorite places ever, so it will be nice to just be there and recharge myself. I need it so bad.

tidetravel

Worst case scenario; your mom's out 400 bucks.  It sucks, but what should have happened, IMO, is that your mom should have just let the two of you plan to go to the timeshare a month ago, regardless of whether she "could" go when the time came.

Birdie1483

I'll keep my fingers crossed that Whit can join you!!

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:1a5d05cc-bfb0-4d99-99a1-4d32ae130a8b">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]That sucks LVB. I agree with Sarah about how sometimes things are too much for guys to handle in the emotional department. I don't know if you remember my Halloween 2008 story, but I don't think FI understood how I really felt in that situation for a LONG time. I would be upset as well if FI waited until the last second to tell his friends. I might also be a biitch though, because I would be like it's your own fault you didn't tell your friends I'm sorry they're mad at you! You said you would go with me so we're going! Since things have been kind of stressful lately, I would suggest loading some good books on your Kindle and making the drive down there even if you can't find anyone to go with. Possibly look at some places to shop? Take a few bottles of wine.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Yeah, i don't think he gets it. But that's ok. I don't get the party thing. I mean, they all went to each other's bach in the last 6 months, hows this one going to be any different? It's just dinner and 4th street afterwards. I don't get it. But it's not mine to get.

I'll go and find a quilting and scrapbooking store and myabe try to get my camera out and get some really good pictures. I just have to be extra careful, not go hiking alone or anything.

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:dabdbfca-b43e-4b0c-9ca0-f58843c68251">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Worst case scenario; your mom's out 400 bucks.  It sucks, but what should have happened, IMO, is that your mom should have just let the two of you plan to go to the timeshare a month ago, regardless of whether she "could" go when the time came.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Eh, maybe. But I don't begrudge her anything. Things are really, really tough on her right now.

Ok, headed to lunch. Tahnks so much for everyone's help. I appreciate the other perspectives.

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:48132c42-e825-471c-873e-d57eec002a29">I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>So I told H that he can't come with me, he has to go to the party and I'll go by myself. </strong>I'm dreading the 5 hour drive alone, but I really need to get away. I'm upset that H didn't really make his desires really known about how bad he wanted to go and agreed in the first place. And I'm mad he didn't just tell his friends to keep all this from happening. And I'm mad at myself for being upset with him. :( Ok, give it to me.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

I find the bold part interesting.  I would have told my H that I'd like him to come with me, but it is <strong>his decision</strong> and he needs to decide what to do/how to deal with the guys.  It is his problem that he didn't tell them sooner, so let him deal with it.  Shouldn't he be able to figure it out himself and decide what he wants to do?

Anyway, I hope you have a fun weekend, with or without him!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:0d15476a-33a4-495e-9d45-f27a92e17d24">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]not to hijack the port but, Andressfrank what is your doxie trying to get into in your siggy pic?!?!?! PS he/she is super cute edit: post*
Posted by Themis278[/QUOTE]

Haha, it's a tub of little pumpkins.  She wouldn't stay out of them, it was pretty funny.  And thanks, she's a cute little brat :)

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:dabdbfca-b43e-4b0c-9ca0-f58843c68251">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]Worst case scenario; your mom's out 400 bucks.  It sucks, but what should have happened, IMO, is that your mom should have just let the two of you plan to go to the timeshare a month ago, regardless of whether she "could" go when the time came.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I agree with that 100%. 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:e2c3e75c-f135-43b4-8273-51d2af46f77c">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I'm conflicted-set me straight : I find the bold part interesting.  I would have told my H that I'd like him to come with me, but it is his decision and he needs to decide what to do/how to deal with the guys.  It is his problem that he didn't tell them sooner, so let him deal with it.  Shouldn't he be able to figure it out himself and decide what he wants to do?
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

Yeah I noticed that too.  I wouldn't have made the decision for him, if it were me.  I would have said, well we can go now so either cancel and come with me or go ahead and go to the party, and let him make the decision.  I think the fact that you made the decision for him means you really can't be mad at him now for not canceling.  You told him he can't.

Themis278

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:1ae61253-cadb-4b4d-819a-ceb3a8d6c524">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight : Haha, it's a tub of little pumpkins.  She wouldn't stay out of them, it was pretty funny.  And thanks, she's a cute little brat :)
Posted by andressfrank[/QUOTE]

Aw! My doxie ate the face off of a pumpkin FI spent hours craving for me one year while she was outside.... FI was not happy. Doxies have a brat/deveous streak in them thats for sure. That being said mine is still our princess and I want more like most people want kids ...

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'd have H give the guys his share of the money for the party bus, and come with you anyway.

And while I'd feel bad for my mom, I probably would have told her at least a week ago that you had to make definite plans and I wouldn't have changed plans days before the actual event.

louisvillebride21

I'm on my phone now so Im sorry for the suckiness of the post. I aadmit I told him he coulddnt go out of anger. But that was after he made a big deal about how this was more thann a party. had he told me that on monday, things woul have been different. but i was already mad and just wanted it to be over. so i told him i was going alone and he was going to the party. i knew it was what he wanted so i just gave it to him. i should have been sweet abt it but i was mad and hurt. emily, i didnt want him to wait last min because i did think it was extremely rude they deserved better than that. and as i said, it made me feel like he was just not telling them, hoping he could still go.

leah2b

Sounds like your husband is trying to work on his relationship with his friend and it IS his bachelor party - its not like its any old night out.  He probably felt uncomfortable in the first place cancelling, which may have led to his delay in doing so. 

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-conflicted-set-straight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0beffdb-52a8-47f0-8f3e-a4bd5adb9a77Post:5e57d446-36ed-4f1d-9434-da7e5a49a58f">Re: I'm conflicted-set me straight</a>:
[QUOTE]But that was after he made a big deal about how this was more thann a party.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

Yeah, after you explained all of that, it's clear that it is more than just a party to him.  It sounds like he really wants to work on his friendship with that guy.  Which is okay!  It's okay for his needs to be different than yours.  It sucks that he can't go with you, but you are separate people and sometimes you're going to have separate needs.