My stepdad just forwarded this to me. I thought that some of you might get a kick out of it. Back to work . . .
Always good to revisit this info right before THE SEASON begins!
College Football Time.....
Planning for the fall college football season in the South is
radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football
trip South or are NEW to the South here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates
are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 50,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 50,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie, Peyton & Eli Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office
on campus, make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting
list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to
see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus
for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on
Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on
camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is
never Broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to
local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band, who
come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is
the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with
soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room
for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
four-part harmony.
During the fight song
NORTH: Sing along to entire fight song, including both verses
SOUTH: Clap along until you get to the part with a five word cheer, then continue clapping. Apparently the southerners are too busy watching football to sing the fight song.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dangit, you slow idiot - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dangit, you slow idiot - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song,
with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody
goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins
for next week's game.
______________________________
And for SEC Fans:
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more
to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
Harvard.
At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to
phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions..
At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to
figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce
about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at
an NCAA investigator.
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At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the
drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the
occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five
Semester hours.
At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in, and seven to
discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it
in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in
show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the
bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to
talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk
and meet at Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and
79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a
decent football team.
At ARKANSAS: None.. There is no electricity in Arkansas