MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?

KristenMarie163

I wanted to ask opinions.  My future MIL decided to get a mostly plain black dress with some silver sparkle on top (just the chest area, the rest is plain black).  My ceremony is in spring and the ceremony starts in the afternoon and the reception is in the evening.  It is formal.  However, my colors are purple and white.  My first reaction was that she did it b/c she is in "mourning" and moms of brides and grooms don't typically wear black.  Am I overreacting? Is it acceptable in this situation?

professorscience

I don't understand... does she not like you?  Why would you immediately jump to the conclusion that she's "in mourning"?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:f09d80c6-19f2-49f4-8584-a558b5a0fc75">MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wanted to ask opinions.  My future MIL decided to get a mostly plain black dress with some silver sparkle on top (just the chest area, the rest is plain black).  My ceremony is in spring (end of April) and the ceremony starts in the afternoon and the reception is in the evening.  It is formal.  However, my colors are purple and white.  <strong>My first reaction was that she did it b/c she is in "mourning" and moms of brides and grooms don't typically wear black.  Am I overreacting?</strong> Is it acceptable in this situation? Should she have ran it past me first?
Posted by KristenMarie163[/QUOTE]
Yes.

Do you really think that this a huge slight to you?  My mother wore a black skirt with a dark purple top to our wedding.  She was not "in mourning" because she loathed my H.  She wore black because she looks awesome in it and it made her look slimmer.

You need to seriously stop reading into  her wardrobe choices.  She is a grown woman, she can dress herself, and her clothing choices do not reflect her opinion of you.

TaraMc728

There is nothing wrong with wearing black to a wedding, especially when it is formal.  Plus mothers do not usually wear the wedding colors, only the wedding party.

rlavach

Unless you know for a fact that she doesn't like you, then I wouldn't at all think she was 'in mourning.' A lot of people wore black to my wedding since it was a semi-formal evening event. For the life of me, I can't remember what my MIL wore...and it was only 3mo ago. My mom wore plum & that wasn't one of my colors. It really doesn't matter what they wear. As long as they look good & feel confident in their outfit.

StephBeanWed61502

I noticed your location is the Hudson Valley - I live in New York State too, and in the last 4 weddings I've been to, at least one of the moms wore either black or a color (purple, blue) so dark that it practically looked black.  Women wear black because it's pretty, flattering, and more formal-looking than brighter colors.  Unless you have some other reason to believe she doesn't like you or is unhappy about the marriage, I'd refrain from jumping right to "OMG she's in MOURNING" if I were you.

And also, I know you mentioned your wedding colors, but moms don't have to match the bridal party.  They can wear whatever they want.  My "colors" are black (gasp! my BMs must be in mourning!), aqua, and red, and my mom is wearing super-dark gray and my FMIL is wearing navy.  It's not a big deal.

tiffysue2012

my FMIL wore black to my FBIL wedding last year... in fact she was asking what she should wear to our wedding i even suggested a black dress... I personally think black dresses are the best thing! you can always find something in black and great accessories!

achiduck

It's a really old-school rule that if MILs wear black they disapprove of the marriage. Unless you truly think she hates you it's not a big deal.

KristenMarie163

Tradition says otherwise when you ask the older folks but I guess things are changing.  Also, there is background story that I have not shared and that's why I question it.  Thanks for the opinions though.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:df1de1b0-26ff-4586-88ce-b4afe52a5937">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tradition says otherwise when you ask the older folks but I guess things are changing.  Also, there is background story that I have not shared and that's why I question it.  Thanks for the opinions though.
Posted by KristenMarie163[/QUOTE]
If you don't share background, then we can't respond accordingly. 

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:df1de1b0-26ff-4586-88ce-b4afe52a5937">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tradition says otherwise when you ask the older folks but I guess things are changing.  Also, there is background story that I have not shared and that's why I question it.  Thanks for the opinions though.
Posted by KristenMarie163[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, how is anyone supposed to give a good answer without knowing the background?</div><div>
</div><div>FWIW, I love black.  I probably wear something black everyday.  If I could get away with wearing black at my wedding I would, but that would be weird.</div>

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:df1de1b0-26ff-4586-88ce-b4afe52a5937">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tradition says otherwise when you ask the older folks but I guess things are changing.  Also, there is background story that I have not shared and that's why I question it.  Thanks for the opinions though.
Posted by KristenMarie163[/QUOTE]

Even if there is a background story, is confronting your FMIL about this going to help your relationship or hurt it? 

I have never met anyone IRL that thought black was an inappropriate color to wear for a wedding, even for the mothers.

Summer2011Bride

Regardless of background story, black is totally fine to wear to weddings. My own mother really wanted to wear black and was completely over the moon happy for us. She only chose plum after she found a dress in that color that she loved, and my BMs were in black and it was her decision to not match the BM color.

I would let your FMIL wear whatever color she wants. Even IF it was supposed to be a dig at your for whatever reason, others won't know that, and you will be the bigger person for not mentioning it.

MyUserName1

If there is a background story, that might possibly change people's opinions of the situation, then why not share that in the first place?  People advised on the part of the story which you shared.  On the surface, no.  Black dress to a wedding absolutely does not equal mourning.  It would never occur to me as a guest at a wedding that if the MOG was in black, she must not approve. 

gundy21

My BM's wore black dresses for our April wedding.  My mom's 2nd choice dress was black.  MIL wore black palazzo pants and an ivory jacket.  All was fine.

[Deleted User]

My mom wore black. She wears black all the time and so do I. It's fine.

amymaysa

Many people wear black to weddings, I don't think it means is isn't approving of the marriage

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:df1de1b0-26ff-4586-88ce-b4afe52a5937">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tradition says otherwise when you ask the older folks but I guess things are changing.  Also, there is background story that I have not shared and that's why I question it.  Thanks for the opinions though.
Posted by KristenMarie163[/QUOTE]
That tradition, like many others, is completely outdated. Very few still go by that. 

KristenMarie163

I'm going to let it be.  On a practical note, I think the moms should stand out more and black makes them blend more with the guests and the men in the pics, but I am going to leave it be since it seems to be more popular now.  I guess I was just having a moment.

SKPM

Both my MIL and stepMIL wore offwhite to my wedding. One wore a gray shawl over her dress, the other was in a completely white dress. Me being in a ball gown, I don't believe anyone mistook either of them for the bride. I wish they'd worn black! Point being, mothers will wear what they want and it's of no use to be upset about it.

kmmssg

Well, I wore black (with some sparkles) to all 3 of my girls weddings and I looked damned stunning (or so my DH tells me).  I stood out, believe me.  Well, as much as a MOB should but wearing black won't make us fade into the crowds.

As long as she doesn't show up wearing the 1960's black veil like they wore to funerals (think the scene in Jaws where the mom of the dead boy goes to the sheriff right after the funeral to slap him), you don't need to worry about it.

You say there is background here and it is certainly your right to keep that private.  If you REALLY think she is pulling crap with an outdated tradition to tick you off, the worst thing you could do is acknowledge it.  KWIM?  I  had old school people in my family who would have pulled crap like that.

If you think this is a passive aggressive play, totally ignore it.  It is the best revenge.  Many, many MOBs and MOGs wear black now.  It will be fine.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:92d63924-627a-4777-b250-444f8c344368">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I wore black (with some sparkles) to all 3 of my girls weddings and I looked damned stunning (or so my DH tells me).  I stood out, believe me.  Well, as much as a MOB should but wearing black won't make us fade into the crowds. As long as she doesn't show up wearing the 1960's black veil like they wore to funerals (think the scene in Jaws where the mom of the dead boy goes to the sheriff right after the funeral to slap him), you don't need to worry about it. You say there is background here and it is certainly your right to keep that private.  If you REALLY think she is pulling crap with an outdated tradition to tick you off, the worst thing you could do is acknowledge it.  KWIM?  I  had old school people in my family who would have pulled crap like that. If you think this is a passive aggressive play, totally ignore it.  It is the best revenge.  Many, many MOBs and MOGs wear black now.  It will be fine.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ditto. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm a MOB and am actually wearing dark brown, but if the dress I chose hadn't come in dark brown, I'd have ordered it in black. Black is classy and slimming. Let it go. ESPECIALLY if you think it's a jab at you!</div>

jemmini6

If she's wearing black for the 'worst case scenario' that she hates your guts and doesn't want you to marry her son, then you've got bigger problems than her wearing black.  If she's wearing it because she likes it, but you're afraid that people will interpret it that she hates your guts, then I think you are over-worrying about this.  Black is just another color these days, and quite a popular one because it's both formal and flattering.  I've never seen anyone at a wedding wearing black and thought "oh no, they don't approve" because actions speak a hell of  alot louder than clothes.  If they are wearing black and seem happy, then I assume they are happy.  

FWIW, both my mom and my MIL wore black dresses to our wedding and they both looked stunning.

KristenMarie163

Thanks for the input ladies, I feel better! I'm going to let it be.  I don't know what it is about and could be nothing and I'm overreacting.  But either way, I need to let it go and I realize that now. 

ChrissyC84

Hi There!  My MIL is wearing Black too, but since I don't think her intentions were malicious, I decided to let it go.  If you and your future MIL get along, I don't think it's something to worry about, but I agree, it's kind weird for Spring.  Does she like the color Black?  My MIL's taste is very simple and plain, so I figured she should wear something she's comfortable with.  I also know she was disappointed because my mother choose the color she originally wanted (Plum) but that's between her and my mom.  Instead of starting a fight, she compromised and choose Black, so I can't really be mad at her.  We actually didn't have a good relationship at first, but she's been so much better lately that I'm trying to give her a second chance...So, I would go by your relationship; if she generally likes you, she may have just picked the dress because she thought it was pretty.  Good Luck.  Hope that helps.

boomboom1243

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/weddings/10-things-never-wear-to-wedding.htm

KristenMarie163

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:a82db653-5626-40f4-9d1b-39a2e3c9ccde">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!? : I'm betting everyone here had at least one irrational moment during planning.  Good luck with your wedding!
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Thank you for saying so :)

Polinar

My mother wore a black dress to my sister's wedding... on a cruise ship in the Carribean. It's not only for formal occasions, let alone only for courning.
Like a PP said, I also wear black just about every day. Half of my wardrobe is black.

ZombieNates

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:5eb7db57-5881-4998-bf28-d700c976fa77">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!? : I'm not taking the advice of the people who brought us Toddlers & Tiaras and My Strange Addiction. 
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
Word.

My mom wore black to our wedding and all of my BMs were in black dresses.  But they all WERE in mourning because my life of debauchery was over.


Kidding. Everyone loved the black. No one was sad.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mil-wants-to-wear-black-to-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f21fc6ba-68b9-49b5-8951-c59a5bd0643aPost:91c746a1-0f38-42e5-89de-1c002bc98884">Re: MIL wants to wear black to the wedding!?</a>:
[QUOTE]<a rel="nofollow" href="http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/weddings/10-things-never-wear-to-wedding.htm">http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/weddings/10-things-never-wear-to-wedding.htm</a>
Posted by boomboom1243[/QUOTE]
From the article:
<div>
</div><div>"<span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#333333;font-family:arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:20px;text-align:-webkit-auto;">Black dresses connote mourning and death for many people, but there's a difference between showing up to your best friend's nuptials in funeral garb and wearing a sleek, little black number to an evening wedding. <strong>As long as the dress feels fun and light, regardless of how dark it is, you should be fine.</strong> Sequins usually work, as do black cocktail dresses for formal ceremonies."</span></div>

mehgank

My mom wore a black dress to my semi-formal Spring afternoon wedding. She looked stunning. No one side-eyed her or gave her a hard time. Maybe your FMIL just likes how she looks in black?