A list & B list - will friends be upset?

stephdonjon

We're getting ready to send our save-the-dates out (85% of our guests are OOTs) so I need to start asking some friends for their addresses. With both of us having huge families (FMIL comes from a family of 11) obviously not all my friends have made the initial cut. Now since our wedding is a 9 hour drive for my family, my mom agreed there are family members who won't/can't attend, but need to be at least invited nonetheless, which I agree with. She told me when family members decline I can invite my extra friends. In the meantime though, should I just get the addresses of the friends who I know right now I can invite, and hold off on the others? I'm just worried when the friends start to talk amongst themselves and find out they haven't been invited. Obviously, I would not ever send them STDs if I could not guarantee they'd be invited to the wedding, as that would be terribly rude.  I just don't want them to feel like replacements when family decline and the second round of friends get invites. I just don't think there's a way to avoid hurting/offending someone. Thoughts?

LD1970

A & B lists make things really difficult.  If you're going to do it that way, you need to be really careful that you invite your friends in circles or groups.  Like if it was me, I have the one core group of college friends - they'd all have to be invited at the same time.  My other college friends, who aren't friends with that group and don't talk to them could be B-listed, but none of that group itself.

salt78

Don't do a B list. 

ZRex

I would recommend not doing it, because people will figure it out and be hurt.  If you have to do it, then I'd split it up as PP suggested and invite entire circles of friends so people don't feel arbitrarily excluded.

stephdonjon

LD1970- Yeah, that's the problem. They're all from that circle. There are a few stragglers who are no longer so closely affiliated that I wouldn't be a huge deal to cut them, but that still leaves me with 5 or 6 I feel terrible about cutting... ugh.

@ salt78 - Do I not invite them all then?

kkchisholm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_list-b-list-will-friends-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f295e241-4866-42e5-bc99-06bde80a60f1Post:8b43ba30-d7f8-4531-8aa6-33bc1c892171">A list & B list - will friends be upset?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're getting ready to send our save-the-dates out (85% of our guests are OOTs) so I need to start asking some friends for their addresses. With both of us having huge families (FMIL comes from a family of 11) obviously not all my friends have made the initial cut. Now since our wedding is a 9 hour drive for my family, my mom agreed there are family members who won't/can't attend, but need to be at least invited nonetheless, which I agree with. She told me when family members decline I can invite my extra friends. In the meantime though, should I just get the addresses of the friends who I know right now I can invite, and hold off on the others? I'm just worried when the friends start to talk amongst themselves and find out they haven't been invited. Obviously, I would not ever send them STDs if I could not guarantee they'd be invited to the wedding, as that would be terribly rude. <strong> I just don't want them to feel like replacements when family decline and the second round of friends get invites.</strong> I just don't think there's a way to avoid hurting/offending someone. Thoughts?
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]


But that is exactly what they are...

LD1970

If it's just 5 or 6 people, are you sure you can't invite them?  We were doing our guest list and started out with A & B... and then realized the B list was only about a dozen people, so we just scrapped the second list and moved 'em all to the A list.

salt78

Can you cut corners anywhere else to allow for the extra invitations?

You should always plan for everyone to attend anyway. You might be surprised at who decides that they want to come. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Are you friends local? I only sent STDs to OOT guests, which included college friends and family. I waited and am only sending invitations to my in-town friends. (We were not sure exactly how many we were inviting.) I would honestly do that - hold off on getting their addresses until you are SURE you are inviting them. If you ask for their address between now and the wedding, they'll assume it's for an invitation.

ZRex

I second the "plan on full attendance."  We only had four people out of eighty RSVP "no."

Simply Fated

Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset?

Would you be upset if you found out that you weren't important enough to make the first cut and that you're only being invited because other people couldn't make it?

Just Say No to B Lists!

stephdonjon

Yeah, I definitely don't like them. And no, my friends aren't "replacements." They would be on my A-list if I had one, but my mom told me I had to invite family members or they'd be pissed, even if though I never see half of them anyways. And I can bank on several being no-shows due to health reasons or because they live on the other side of the country and haven't attended a family event for the last decade.

My friends aren't local either, but I suppose I could hold off on getting their addresses until I feel out the family. I know they'll talk to my mother in the next few months about their intentions and then I decide what to do from there.

rknox88

I understand your predicament but it is just 5 or 6 people that would be 'B' list I would cut back on something else so I could invite them with everyone else. Maybe make the bridesmaid bouquets instead of having the florist do them or something.  Also, like you said you will probably have some family members who aren't able to attend so you won't be overextending your budget (don't plan on that, just keep it in your head as a possibility.)

I say cut something and invite the "B" listers with the "a" listers if it is truly important to you that they are there.

stephdonjon

It's not a cost thing. It's a "Venue limits us to x amount of people thing."

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_list-b-list-will-friends-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f295e241-4866-42e5-bc99-06bde80a60f1Post:1f3c543b-30ec-4129-afaa-c341cfa72904">Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not a cost thing. It's a "Venue limits us to x amount of people thing."
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah. Well then you should have picked a bigger venue. *shrug*</div>

quotequeen

Just don't send any of your friends STDs and then they can't talk about it now.  Once you decide for sure who will be invited, get those people's addresses and send them invitations.

stephdonjon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_list-b-list-will-friends-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f295e241-4866-42e5-bc99-06bde80a60f1Post:55f8a9d4-5a1c-45fc-a986-44563316272c">Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset? : Ah. Well then you should have picked a bigger venue. *shrug*
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]
Should have been born rich so I could afford it. My bad.

stephdonjon

@ quotequeen- Yeah, I think this is the route I'm going to go. Thanks for your help everyone.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_list-b-list-will-friends-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f295e241-4866-42e5-bc99-06bde80a60f1Post:17e518bb-5d45-4a80-82e4-82e5efb938ae">Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset? : Should have been born rich so I could afford it. My bad.
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]

<div>Well gee whiz, when you say something like "it's not a cost thing", it kind of makes me think that it's not a cost thing.</div><div>
</div><div>Color me crazy. </div>

stephdonjon

@ salt78- By that I meant it was related to some limitation not solvable with money. Sorry. That was my fault for not being clear. And I apologize for snapping.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_list-b-list-will-friends-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f295e241-4866-42e5-bc99-06bde80a60f1Post:6e7d349a-6832-487d-b2bb-2415bce931af">Re: A list & B list - will friends be upset?</a>:
[QUOTE]@ salt78- By that I meant it was related to some limitation not solvable with money. Sorry. That was my fault for not being clear. And I apologize for snapping.
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]

<div>It's all cool. And I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything.</div><div>I hope this all gets worked out for you in the easiest/best way possible. </div>

Lisa8888

Don't do a B list. I wouldn't invite these family members that you don't think will attend. You should invite your friends.

stephdonjon

Thanks. I'll probably just wait to send them out to all my friends once I have a better idea of where family stands. They're not local, but they're a lot closer to the destination than my family, so they don't need as much of a heads-up. Thanks, all!

cqbride

  I had a friend do this recently- she b-listed my husband and I. We have a lot of mutual friends so I knew the moment I got the invite. The wedding was in California and there was no way we could book tickets on such short notice. It was insulting. Honestly there's no way that knowing you're just "filler" isn't insulting.
  Add to that the fact that she mis-addressed the invite (I kept my maiden name after marriage and the invite was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. H's firstname My lastname), and she started pestering me for a response immediately presumeably so she could get out another b-list invite. I don't think we're friends any more.

jmkes

Well we have a B list because of money and size of venue.  These are mainly people we would like to invite if we can.  We did keep it to all one group (ie. all of his co-workers.)  So to invite any of his co-workers we would have to have regrets equaling that number.  We will be inviting people we know can't come because we think they should still be extended an invitation.  My cousin and his family are leaving next week to be stationed in Japan for 4 years, but they still got an invite.  My DF's aunt will be having back surgery right before the wedding and lives across the country, but she'll still get an invite.  Just to show them that they are thought of.  I guess I look at it from the perspective of it's better to know you are thought of than disregarded. 

I was on the B list of a co-worker's wedding and completely understood.  She has a huge family and was sad that she couldn't automatically put all of her friends on the list.  These things are expensive!  She had enough regrets to invite all of us who work together.  I ended up going and had a great time.  I think it depends if the people you are B listing have an understanding attitude. 

mattycam

I have a second list due to our budget and how many people we can afford to have there.

I think if you are going to "B list" someone, and an "A lister" is not able to come, the B lister should be giving a reasonable amount of time to RSVP. I don't think it's fair that Person A gets two months to decide and person B gets a few days. At the end of the day, invite the people who you really want there, not the ones that you maybe want there because as it was mentioned before, not many people take kind to knowing that they were invited by default. Hopefully your B listers have a good attitude 

landra310s

I have an A &  B list because of budget reasons.  My wedding is still far away but I have the guest list done.  I'm sending save the dates out this winter to family & bridal party only.  Then once we see how much we have saved up for the wedding next summer I'll decide on if we can afford to have the extra people.  And it's in groups, not that some people from the same group will be invited and some won't.  More along the lines of can I invite my old friends from skating , or my current group of skating friends, or my parents friends that she goes camping with.  Things like that.  That way there will be no cross talk about the wedding between friends, since they'll all be invited by groups. 

MissSarahB

We're avoiding a B list.  We are limited by our venue like the OP.  If we were to invite everyone, we'd have over 400 people!!

We've had to say to people who are so excited for the wedding "Because of the size of the venue, we are forced to be selective". 

However, for all of the people we could not invite, we are hosting an afterglow a few weeks after the wedding.  It'll most likely be a big BBQ at FH parent's house (Huge property).  When we have told our "B Listers" about this event, they were so pleased.  They still felt included, and our numbers problem was solved.

Just a suggestion and a possible idea.  Good luck!!

MandyLovesMarc

I didn't think people did B lists anymore...clearly, I'm wrong

That being said...I did have one suggestion to the original poster.  You keep mentioning that your mom said "xyz".  This is YOUR wedding, and at the end of the day, if you want to invite your friends over distant family, I'm not 100% clear why you aren't doing so.  I hope that doesn't sound cruel, but the one thing I have learned is that this is YOUR wedding, not your mom's, not your grandma's, etc...and quite frankly, even if they are paying the entire bill, I still don't think they should get the final say.

malnandy2010

I actually had this same problem...i didnt send out save the dates but because my venue could only hold a certain amount i had to cut...once i got back some response cards with no's i sent out some on our "B" list and everything worked out perfect.

medallion

We're doing a B list as well because we both have huge families. Most of the people on it are his coworkers and some of our friends. Like you, my parents insisted on inviting a lot of family members who had to be on the A list. Many of these people will not be attending because they don't even live in the U.S.

We decided to do a rolling B list. Basically as we get back RSVPs from A list people who can't make it, we're sending out B list invitations. That gives everyone plenty of time to respond.

Don't let people make you feel guilty for having a B list. There's only so many people you can have at your wedding, and this is one way of being fair about it. Best of luck.