Unmarried friends and +1

PrincssGS

Is there a rule for inviting umarried friends and a +1?  We don't want to invite people who are just casually dating someone.  A friend of ours who just got married only invited the boyfriend/girlfriend if they've been dating for a year or longer.  Thoughts on this...?

TiDa2009

Your friend is right - anybody in a serious relationship (married, engaged, living together, dating for a good chunk of time, etc.) should be invited with that person. 

We didn't invite our single friends with guests, but anybody with a SO was invited with that person.

lyndausvi

It's a slippery slope.  What is a causal relationship? For example  I met and was engaged in 8 months.

I guess it depends on your guidelines.

JK10910

While you don't need to invite every single single person with a date, you should include serious significant others.  But how to define "serious" is tough.  You can't really cut them off at a year, because FI and I were serious way before that.  I think there's a difference between "casually dating" (or flavor of the week), and a serious boyfriend or girlfriend, even if they've only been together a few months.

Anon I. Mouse

I don't like that "dating a year" thing. I know people who have been dating a year who should not have been together that long, and people dating less than a year who demonstrate a far higher level of commitment and maturity. I mean, FI and I were seriously committed, living together and engaged at under a year and have a very healthy, strong relationship. My sister and her boyfriend are constantly at odds with one another and can't communicate their way out of a paper bag together and they have been together for three years. I lived with someone for three years in a past relationship and sheesh, we certainly were far less committed to one another (in retrospect) than FI and I are. Unless you are IN the relationship to know what is going on, it is hard to tell by an arbitrary timeline who should be invited or not, I think at least.

We were not inviting many people to begin with (under 18 guests will be attending total), so we just invited those we did invite to bring a guest. Our wedding is over a long weekend, so think it is great if people can bring someone to hang out with if they want and snuggle up to at night. Some are, some aren't.

One of our friends is bringing someone she has been dating 2-3 months (and we are super stoked to meet him - we don't live nearby!). My sister is bringing her boyfriend who she has been dating for three years, and who I don't like that much. My brother is not bringing his FI as the FI already has other plans. A couple others aren't bringing plus ones despite being invited to. So, it all sort of balances out in the end.

I am sure some won't bring "plus ones" even if invited to do so. At the end of the day, I guess it is your budget, and your decision....however I do kind of cringe at the year thing as being the "marker".

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Anyone not living together, engaged or married you should treat on a case-by-case basis. Flavor of the week? Dating on and off? Seeing other people?

That said, if the person won't know a lot of other people at your wedding, it would be nice to invite them to bring a date. Also, keep in mind, some people might become serious before your invitations go out, so you should plan accordingly. (Fi and I started dating and moved in together within 7 months.)

betrothed123

We invited girlsfriends and boyfriends if the couple had been together longer than 6 months, or if we knew they were serious, even if under the 6 month mark.  Then of course anyone who was living together, engaged, or married was invited with their SO.

TiDa2009

I totally missed your reference to a year.  Yeah, the level of commitment depends on so much besides time.  Luckily for us, we know all the "dating for a little while" couples well and were able to base whether their SO was invited on how their relationship was (they were all invited anyway, but you know what I mean).

Do you have a lot of people that you'll be unsure of?

smokeybailey

I still find this weird.  I had never heard of inviting people without a plus one to a wedding before the knot.  If my friend wants to bring her new flame so he can meet the "family," why not?  In fact, if my friend wants to bring another friend so that she is not odd man out and has someone to roll out with she can do that too.

However, that is not an answer to your question so I have wasted a post but am one post closer to an S.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unmarried-friends-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2a480c7-9103-4f62-ac9e-b3943989d5e8Post:a785c80f-b13d-4760-99f1-eea2b957c666">Re: Unmarried friends and +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I still find this weird.  I had never heard of inviting people without a plus one to a wedding before the knot.  If my friend wants to bring her new flame so he can meet the "family," why not?  In fact, if my friend wants to bring another friend so that she is not odd man out and has someone to roll out with she can do that too. However, that is not an answer to your question so I have wasted a post but am one post closer to an S.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

Yeah... That is how I feel.  But I can see how budgets get in the way.

PrincssGS

Well, they are our friends so we do realize whether or not they are in a serious/committed relationship, and I didin't really agree with the "1 year" either because it really does depend.  FI wants to invite a +1 for everyone, and I don't agree with having his frathernity brothers, for example, bring a random chick to our wedding.  There aren't a lot of people that we are concerned about, but I feel like if they aren't dating anyone than they shouldn't bring a plus one "just because".  BM, for example, doesn't have a girlfriend or anyone who he is dating, so why would we want him to bring some random person along?  It's our special day and I don't want to spend it with strangers...

lyndausvi

oddly enough my BIL and SIL brought random dates.  Everyone else did not.  With 134 people I really did not care or even notice.  But I can see how people with smaller wedding might.

Personally I think you should figure this out when it's time to send the invites.  10 months is a long time and relationships can change..

JK10910

You had me on your side until the very end.  The Best Man is spending money on a tux and giving up his time for a rehearsal and the wedding and all that, and you can't even offer him the change to bring someone along to have fun with?  That's a poor choice IMO.

ring_pop

You should allow BP members to bring a date regardless.

Otherwise, we considered anyone that had the "boyfriend" or "girflriend" label (or more) to be serious enough to invite to the wedding. Don't use an arbitrary time cut-off. H and I were pretty serious by about 2-3 months. Go case-by-case.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If the BM wants to bring a date, it might be because he's uncomfortable spending time by himself. After all, you guys are going to be really busy and not really accessible to hang out with all day. Why wouldn't you let him bring someone? You probably won't notice who half of your guests are anyway, you'll be so busy.

myother1

We're working on a budget, but we're still giving all of our single friends the option of bringing a date.  We have a lot of friends from a lot of different places, and we don't want anyone to feel like they're on their own.  A date would assure that they have at least one person to hang out with them.

tiffgriffin7

We are letting all of our friends bring a date if they choose. We are not writing it on the invitation or RSVP card so we're not out-right inviting them to bring along another person but I am counting all my single guests as "2" since I remember what it was like to be dating someone and want to bring him along to the wedding so he could meet my friends and see how he fit in.

Where I draw the line is the rehearsal dinner...I could just see my brother bringing along a "girl he was seeing" aka hooking up with to the rehearsal dinner and I told him he can do that for the wedding (he is the BM) but no way the RD.

I think it will all even out and you won't really notice they are 'strangers' anyway. I barely know some of my own relatives.

PrincssGS

Our guest list is at 150 now, and at $125 a plate we're trying to keep it under control (I know that's a lot but it's an all-inclusive package!). 

Thanks for all of the advice!  We will definitely have all the BP with a +1, but other friends who are currently single I'm not adding a +1 but will make the final determination when it's time to send the invites, on a case by case basis.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!