What did you expect from your bridal party?

lauraandpeterforever

oh please zitiqueen. Just because I asked for advice doesn't mean I have to take it Cucumber.

lauraandpeterforever

sydaries - don't you think I know my friends well enough to know that they can't wear stilletos or have a metal allergy? Besides, if I picked something and someone said "oh hey, I can't wear metal" I would most definately look for something else. I'm going to take their personalities into consideration when choosing an outfit. It's not like I'm going to make my size 14 friend wear a spandex dress or anything ridiculous like that.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?:[QUOTE]oh please zitiqueen. Just because I asked for advice doesn't mean I have to take it Cucumber. Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

If you were only looking for validation, why bother asking in the first place?

AdeleDazeem

oh good luck, Laura. 

You might want to ask yourself why you're the only person proclaiming to understand everything when twenty five or so people in this thread have said you're behaving badly.  Just, y'know... stop and think for a sec.

Happy planning.

lauraandpeterforever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:df29dda6-9d7e-4fe5-8a41-be66956982d4">Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?: If you were only looking for validation, why bother asking in the first place?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I wasn't expecting validation. I was expecting different views. Obviously, you don't know my whole situation and my relationship with my friends because of all your guys snarky comments. Trying to make me out ot be a horrible person. I can leave and take whatever I choose from this thread. Just because some random ass people on a stupid internets board have some asinine comments doesn't mean I have to take it as gospel. Ya'll need to get off your high horses.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?:[QUOTE]I wasn't expecting validation. I was expecting different views. Obviously, you don't know my whole situation and my relationship with my friends because of all your guys snarky comments. Trying to make me out ot be a horrible person. I can leave and take whatever I choose from this thread. Just because some random ass people on a stupid internets board have some asinine comments doesn't mean I have to take it as gospel. Ya'll need to get off your high horses. Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead an call MUd. At least I hope it is. If not, you need help in a serious way. Of this is real, good luck in your planning and in the maintenance of your relationships if you insist on being so demanding and acting in such a manner.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:c8ad2c40-6156-47e9-83be-a4efae78fc17">Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:What did you expect from your bridal party? : I wasn't expecting validation. I was expecting different views. Obviously, you don't know my whole situation and my relationship with my friends because of all your guys snarky comments. Trying to make me out ot be a horrible person. I can leave and take whatever I choose from this thread. Just because some random ass people on a stupid internets board have some asinine comments doesn't mean I have to take it as gospel. Ya'll need to get off your high horses.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I watch these boards a lot and this is FAR from the snarkiest you could have gotten. People gave their views. Bridesmaids aren't *required* to do anything besides be there on the day in the appointed dress. If they can make the parties outside of that? Awesome. If they offer to help with planning/setting up? Sweet! what great friends! But making commands of friends is just not right. They're being honored not being hired.

Also, about the jewelry and shoes, if you REALLY stay within budget, fine whatever. I still think it's not right but if you're in budget, ok. But the hair, please do really consider. Some people aren't comfortable with hair up or down. Plus, the same style will most likely not look good on all the girls. It's just a bit over the top and demanding.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:c8ad2c40-6156-47e9-83be-a4efae78fc17">Re:What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:What did you expect from your bridal party? : I wasn't expecting validation. I was expecting different views. Obviously, you don't know my whole situation and my relationship with my friends because of all your guys snarky comments. Trying to make me out ot be a horrible person. I can leave and take whatever I choose from this thread. Just because some random ass people on a stupid internets board have some asinine comments doesn't mean I have to take it as gospel. Ya'll need to get off your high horses.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

You're right, We don't know you or your friends, so why ask a bunch of strangers their opinion? You can take and leave whatever you want, but if you breach etiquette, we told you so! And we aren't on any high horses, we're telling you what isn't cool to do to your friends- you're the one who thinks you're queen of the fasion castle.

gurrlballa10

I told my best friends to get a yellow dress and when the wedding date was.  That was that.  Hell, none of us even showed up sober on the day of, so I couldn't have that expectation either. 

I hired people for everything else you are listing.

Oh, and about the hair.  One of my friends absolutely hates her hair up.  So, she wore it down.  Guess what, she was comfortable and happy...that's what you should care about.

shannyb41

So I don't agree with giving your bridesmaids a list of jobs.  If anyone OFFERS to help with something that is totally different.  But giving over a list of duties.  Nah.  I would recommend not doing that.

On a side note, I like the idea of inviting them all over for brunch and asking them then!  I wanted to do something creative to ask my girls but it became way to hard to coordinate something.  So I just asked them in person when I saw them.  I totally wish I did something special.  Oh well, that ship has sailed! 

MadHops21

Can we bring this thread back alive? I just wanted to see what happened with this wedding.

KeptInStitches

OP probably isn't around, more's the pity. But don't worry, there will be some posters who think that bridal parties = personal labor forces.

@knotgods, any chance of a closure?

kmmssg

Kelcita21 said:

Can we bring this thread back alive? I just wanted to see what happened with this wedding.

@kelcita21 - the OP hasn't been active on the boards since October 2012.  Please don't resurrect zombie threads.

grumbledore

lauraandpeterforever said:

So far, I'm not 100% sure how to go about letting my girls know what their duties are and I could use some advice. Now, don't get me wrong please. I'm not like the girls I've seen on bridezillas that demand outrageous things from their bridal party but I think there are some things that should be expected from them.

I haven't asked anyone yet since we just got engaged and haven't set a date but know sometime next year is what we want to do. I'm thinking that I'll make up a list and ask everyone to come to brunch at my house and pop the question to everyone at the same time so we can have some fun girl time.

I was thinking of giving each of them a list with some things that I think they should be in charge of. Here are the things I've come up with so far. I'm open to suggestions! Thank you ahead of time.

Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids)
Wear hair up or down, again brides choice
Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride
Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)
Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)
Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)

After typing out my list it seems pretty stuffy. What do you guys think?

I think you are wrong.  It's not okay to demand that your BMs do any of this other than get a dress within their budgets.  It's your job and your FI's job to plan your wedding and execute it.

grumbledore

oh good luck, Laura. 

You might want to ask yourself why you're the only person proclaiming to understand everything when twenty five or so people in this thread have said you're behaving badly.  Just, y'know... stop and think for a sec.

Happy planning.

Oh come on @Joy2611 - admit that we are all conspiring to give the OP bad advice that will make her look like a jerk to her best friends! ADMIT IT!

grumbledore

Damn zombie thread.

CheleLyn

I don't expect anything from my bridesmaids. 

My bridesmaids are my friends...not my servants 

EDITED....crap, didn't check the op date :-/

fallbride99

KeptInStitches

@fallbride99, are you serious? No one is required or responsible to throw you a bridal shower or bachelorette party. They are GIFTS. And yes, they are responsible for their own attire, but you are responsible for respecting their budgets.

And it's better to steer away from being cute when you ask them - cute can put pressure on them to say yes when they might need to decline.

NYCBruin

I know this is a zombie thread, but for the lurkers out there:

DON'T DO THIS

You're bridesmaids are supposed to be those closest to you that you want to honor and have stand with you on your wedding day, don't turn a position of honor into free slave labor.  

Also, don't ask in a group, that puts a lot of pressure on people who may want to decline to say yes.

ceceibson

The members of our wedding party were our children and grandchildren and I didn't ask or expect them to do anything in terms of wedding planning or "helping".  While I expect those that live at home to help with chores [like running the vacuum or emptying the dishwasher], I most certainly didn't expect them to help with the wedding.

delujm0

I'm going to go back to the original question here.

 

i only have serious problems with a few items: first, the demand that the girls attend all of the pre-wedding festivities.  Even if they all live in the area, it's possible that they will be busy on the day of your choosing, perhaps with work or family commitments.  I'm sure, since they are close friends, they will make every effort to be at all of the parties, but if they can't make it, don't hold it against them.  Also, keep in mind that these parties are often gift-giving events, and these girls will already be spending money on their dress, etc for this wedding - so don't expect them to be paying for a lot of stuff or buying you additional gifts.

 

The last three items shouldn't be mandatory.  If your friends are as helpful and supportive as you say, you won't need to ask them to help - they'll offer.  But if you truly need assistance with set up/take down/small tasks, you should hire a planner.  No one needs to watch the gift/guest book table.  You should want your best friends to enjoy your reception, and handing out these tasks will make them unable to do so.

 

As long as the entire ensamble cost is less than the smallest budget you are presented with, I wouldn't personally have an issue buying dress, shoes, and accessories as a bridesmaid.  If you go over anyone's budget, you should pick up the excess cost.  Also, while i will never understand brides that insist that their BMs all wear their hair up or down (sounds a little OCD to me), i agree that if you have a person who has offered to do hair/makeup for everyone for free, it is fine to ask that.

Salsera29

lauraandpeterforever said:

I have every right to pick shoes and accessories if it's in their budget. When I ask them what their budget is going to be I'm going to stick with it for the dress AND shoes AND accessories. That's perfectly reasonable. I'm very thrifty and have a knack for putting outfits together at very affordable numbers. In fact my friends ask me to be their faux personal shopper all the time. AAAAAND I have every right to tell them to wear their hair up or down. No, I'm not going to make them get it professionally done like someone ASSumed already. However, I have a family member that's a hair dresser and previously a makeup artist that has already offered to do hair and makeup for free for any of the bridesmaids that want it so there's that.

Fine, I won't make the stupid list but you guys are flat out wrong with some of your comments. What's so wrong about having a girls brunch? The friends I'm going to ask are already all friends so it's not like I'm having a meet and greet like someone ASSumed as well. My friends are all really excited about my wedding already and offering to pitch in so I'm really not worried about people feeling offended about me asking them to help. I've always helped at other friends and family weddings. It's the norm in my group and usually expected.

To the bolded, that doesn't make it right. I have been a bridesmaid 4 times, and many times I was asked to do things that stressed me out or that I thought were stupid. But I put on a smile and did them because the bride (or groom) was my friend. You don't know what people are thinking. 

I know you don't like the answers you got, but you asked and got solid advice. We will tell you the things your friends are thinking but wouldn't say. 

PrettyGirlLost

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!

Salsera29

PrettyGirlLost said:

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!

Awwww crap my bad. WHO THE HELL KEEPS RESURRECTING THESE THREADS!?!?! 

MrsLillyG

lauraandpeterforever said:

So far, I'm not 100% sure how to go about letting my girls know what their duties are and I could use some advice. Now, don't get me wrong please. I'm not like the girls I've seen on bridezillas that demand outrageous things from their bridal party but I think there are some things that should be expected from them.

I haven't asked anyone yet since we just got engaged and haven't set a date but know sometime next year is what we want to do. I'm thinking that I'll make up a list and ask everyone to come to brunch at my house and pop the question to everyone at the same time so we can have some fun girl time.

I was thinking of giving each of them a list with some things that I think they should be in charge of. Here are the things I've come up with so far. I'm open to suggestions! Thank you ahead of time.

Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids)
Wear hair up or down, again brides choice
Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride
Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)
Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)
Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)

After typing out my list it seems pretty stuffy. What do you guys think?

I havent read all of the responses but I'm thinking most people did not like you suggesting that you give your BMs a duties list.

Going through your list...

Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids)

please don't make them buy shoes or accessories that they will not wear again.  I have lied about liking a BM dress picked for me, so even if they say they would wear the accessories again- they might be lying.

Wear hair up or down, again brides choice

doesnt sound like a duty? telling them they can wear their hair how they please?

Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride

I don't understand why they wouldnt attend these things if they are the closest people in your life.  (obvious exceptions to this though)

Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)

I also think if they are the closest people in your life they might volunteer.  You could ask them, but dont get mad if they say no.

Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)

ummm-please dont give them a duty like watching the gift table. (They should be done after the photos (or introductions?)

Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)

I also think they might volunteer, but maybe not if they are really busy.

jenniferurs

I'm new here, so forgive my ignorance, but what is the issue with "zombie" threads? If there's good advice contained in them, I don't see an issue with them being bumped. Newer posters who have never seen them may find them helpful.

Pepper6

jenniferurs said:

I'm new here, so forgive my ignorance, but what is the issue with "zombie" threads? If there's good advice contained in them, I don't see an issue with them being bumped. Newer posters who have never seen them may find them helpful.

Because people respond to the OP, even if they are long gone and will never see it.  It's a waste of everyone's time.  It's great to go back and read some old threads to see if your question has already been answered, but if you find it hasn't or you want to add something, it's more beneficial to start a new thread in order to get the most current opinions without wading through pages of posts that happened years ago.

Maggie0829

jenniferurs said:

I'm new here, so forgive my ignorance, but what is the issue with "zombie" threads? If there's good advice contained in them, I don't see an issue with them being bumped. Newer posters who have never seen them may find them helpful.

Because many times it is the newer posters who respond to the thread in a manner in which they still think the OP is still around.  When threads are 2+ years old it is a good chance that the OP is long gone, especially an OP like the one in this thread.

I think it is fine to look through old threads for advice, in fact we tell newer posters to lurk a bit, but if you have a question then start a new thread.

Salsera29

jenniferurs said:

I'm new here, so forgive my ignorance, but what is the issue with "zombie" threads? If there's good advice contained in them, I don't see an issue with them being bumped. Newer posters who have never seen them may find them helpful.

Because they very rarely contain a question that hasn't been asked in the past 5 days.