Babies? No Babies?

kikibaby

I see what you're saying, stacks.  I guess I just think it's important to make sure you're on the same page with the really big stuff.

Stackeye210

I totally agree kiki.  You should always have a plan in place beforehand (especially wtih parenting styles and how to handle the differences, but sometimes you can't know until you're in the situation, especially with kids.  Every kid needs something different.  I'm sure our next kid we won't be able to raise like J and we'll have to relearn all over again. 

Meg1979

I would also maybe wait until those friends' cute babies are toddlers.  I think babies are great, but once they hit that walking around and talking stage...yeah, I tap out.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:05341c9b-8a4d-446c-bb09-c98f5e8681db">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would also maybe wait until those friends' cute babies are toddlers.  I think babies are great, but once they hit that walking around and talking stage...yeah, I tap out.
Posted by Meg1979[/QUOTE]

...::::snort::::.....   so true! 

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:2aac8e6e-4af5-489c-989c-943aebb4fa7b">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, until you and noodle work through your problems (just thinking of the racial issue you guys had a few weeks ago) - I wouldn't be adding a baby to the mix just yet.
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm on this train.  I'm down with babies, and we're hoping to have one sooner than later.  But our disagreements are about where to go to dinner and what color to paint the kitchen, not fundamental life issues.  I think you nned to sort out your arguments and figure out how to communicate first. 

andy71781

I think its a good thing for you to talk about how you'd mesh the parenting styles.  Having a pet actually I think is a kind of a sneak preview into potential differences between you and your hubby's style of raising kids.  Its not the same obviously but things like discipline are kind of revealed.

I don't think that H is 100% ready but I think he's ready enough.  I'm 100% ready so I can't tell you if I think you should wait. 

I do think that you should let me play with them if you have them. 

arv266

Having my daughter was a complete and total OOPS.  But in a good way.  My XH and I were told that we could never have children.  Nope, turns out that I could.  I was not at all ready, but mother nature has a way of catching you up to speed.  You can plan and overthink this, but the reality is, being a mom is pretty much on the job training.  My life has changed dramatically - all for the good.  

georgia_bride09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:f12fd881-e24e-4e15-9d04-0610f8d82438">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : No....?
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I though at one point, you said you were finally getting one. Guess I dreamed that.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:98421823-2a84-4895-a53a-95ffd486ed69">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : I though at one point, you said you were finally getting one. Guess I dreamed that.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I was, but Noodle changed his mind.  He has serious issue with litterboxes, and our apartment doesn't have a place where we can put the litterbox so he doesn't have to look at it. 

georgia_bride09

And I'm (no surprise) on the you and Noodle need to make sure your marriage is 100% before adding spawn train. Especially in your case, I would even go to counseling to discuss your parenting styles before-hand because you KNOW it could be a problem and you're nowhere near having a kid.

I think my parent's marriage suffered (but they ultimately stayed together after a separation and counseling) because their parenting styles were so different, especially with my sister. It can lead to A LOT of tension and resentment.

Work it out before it's a problem. 

mica178

For couples who have ongoing marital issues, babies are like bandages covering wounds that probably need stitches.  Babies take a lot of time and attention and distract couples from their relationship.

If you and Noodle are still having some disagreements over race stuff and anticipate issues with different child-rearing issues, maybe work on that stuff now and reevaluate your child-preparedness in the spring?

MISSCOURTNEY20

Being a mom at 20 and then not having another one until I was 30, I can say that you are never 100% prepared emotionally or physically for what a baby will bring into your lives. Think about it haaaaaard!!!

xyrius

Mica - I personally disagree in theory that children are like bandages.  I think if anything it would make an unstable relationship even worse.  When you add in fatigue, different parenting styles, cranky babies/toddlers, barely seeing each other, financial strain, etc. .... that definitely does not have the effect of a bandaid.  I agree with you on your other point though.

eta: added financial strain

Birdie1483

Seeing my niece be born this past February has made me want kids a LITTLE sooner than I originally wanted. However, we have 13 months until the wedding and would like to financially recover from that before we start trying for kids. At this point I'll be about a year younger than the age that I always wanted to start trying.

My biggest difficulty will be to stop being selfish. I like being able to come home and nap. I like being able to go out whenever I want and drink as much beer as I want. I'm really going to miss wine when I'm pregnant...

stillundecided4

My DH wants a baby now. I know I want a baby, but I'm scared shitless to be a mother. I'm afraid I'll suck at it. That's why I keep making excuses with DH why we shouldn't start TTC. So I understand your uncertain feelings.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:264a5da4-b803-4d9d-8e6e-16eb4744c21e">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay - I'm well aware of the fact that Noodle and I need to work on our relationship.  I'm not planning on jumping into bed and trying to have a baby right now.  And I'm not stupid enough to think that having a baby when a relationship isn't on solid ground is a bang-up idea.  I just wanted to know from other women how they felt in regards to babies in their own lives, and if they had the same thoughts as me, and how those thoughts affected their having or not having or planning on having babies.  That's it.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

What did you expect, Nugget?  You're not new here.  You put your relationship issues out there, you can't think it's not going to come up when you're talking about babies.

pumpkinpumpkin

Ok. I can't quote - when I press quote it opens up "Fort Worth Weddings". Thanks, Knot.

I agree with Kiki. Good grief, Nuggs. You're just as bad as Whit (no offense Whit) - one minute coming here bitching and whining about your H, the next minute you're talking about your futures. I get it, I really do, no one is perfect, no one's relationship is perfect (except Mandy's ). But what did you seriously expect? People aren't going to sugar-coat it for you to hear what you want to hear. You're not new here.

georgia_bride09

And Nuggs, not to pile it on, but your problems are a little... bigger than most people's I think, or at least they are in TKLand because you shae them with us. When you're married, but you have to spend the night away from home when you have an argument, baby discussions shouldn't even be on the table. And to try to plan for a baby and a new car and a house... that's a lot of stress in and of itself. I'd shelf the baby talk, personally. Focus on your marriage for awhile.

NuggetBrain

Why would it come up here?  I asked a general question about how people felt with babies and the mindset of "should I or shouldn't I." as to how it relates to mine right now.  I didn't say we were planning on trying.  I didn't even say that I wanted them.  It doesn't matter if I'm "not new".  Just because I don't fly up in here crowing about all the good sh*t he does for mean doesn't me that he doesn't do anything good.  Do you honestly think I'd stay with someone who was that big of an assh*le, or in a relationship that I thought wasn't fixable?  I'm far too big of a b*tch for that.  If everytime I bring up something that has anything remotely to do with relationships or marriage or whatever, I'm going to have "we think your relationship sucks" thrown in my face then why the f*ck should I bother posting anything at all other than in FFF or casual small talk.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:6dcba607-551c-47d3-9fe6-3ac1dd18d166">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Why would it come up here?</strong>  I asked a general question about how people felt with babies and the mindset of "should I or shouldn't I." as to how it relates to mine right now.  I didn't say we were planning on trying.  I didn't even say that I wanted them.  It doesn't matter if I'm "not new".  Just because I don't fly up in here crowing about all the good sh*t he does for mean doesn't me that he doesn't do anything good.  Do you honestly think I'd stay with someone who was that big of an assh*le, or in a relationship that I thought wasn't fixable?  I'm far too big of a b*tch for that.  If everytime I bring up something that has anything remotely to do with relationships or marriage or whatever, I'm going to have "we think your relationship sucks" thrown in my face then why the f*ck should I bother posting anything at all other than in FFF or casual small talk.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Are you genuinely confused by this? You asked about being 100% sure and prepared. Part of that is having your relationship with your partner solid enough to have a baby. Based on what you've shared recently, you don't have that right now. You could in the future for sure, but it seems like the problems you have are things you'll have to actively work on rather than things that will just fall into place, so yes, I think it makes perfect sense that the topic of your relationship and working on things would come up in a discussion of feeling ready for kids.

No one has said your relationship sucks, and people have actually been pretty diplomatic about it. All they've said is that <em>from what you've shared</em> your relationship probably needs a bit of work before adding kids.

pumpkinpumpkin

Ditto Georgia - when I talk about my marital problems here, it's how Mark was running late and completely missed my lunch hour one day. Or how Mark isn't romantic enough for me. Not that he was racist and I left. Of course that scenario is going to stick in our minds, Nuggs. So of course a lot of us don't think you should have children with the man. And who knows if you'd stay with him or not? But you've portrayed him to be a bit of a jerkwad around here. So that's what we know about him. Same with Tide's H and Whit's H. If Whit had come around after the bull-riding scenario and asked about having kids 2 or 3 years down the road, everyone would've responded the same way.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:41b3c808-3c39-48db-99b6-e2c7125c66da">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : Are you genuinely confused by this? You asked about being 100% sure and prepared. Part of that is having your relationship with your partner solid enough to have a baby. Based on what you've shared recently, you don't have that right now. You could in the future for sure, but it seems like the problems you have are things you'll have to actively work on rather than things that will just fall into place, so yes, I think it makes perfect sense that the topic of your relationship and working on things would come up in a discussion of feeling ready for kids. No one has said your relationship sucks, and people have actually been pretty diplomatic about it. All they've said is that from what you've shared your relationship probably needs a bit of work before adding kids.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

By "prepared" I meant more along the lines of "financially".  I figured it was a given that the relationship be on solid ground before you bring a child into it.  Obviously I was wrong.

kikibaby

You're sounding like one of the beebee's that comes up in here saying "Well, I'm having two receptions and a cash bar and a honeymoon registry... how do I put this on my invite?"  Then everyone says "That's all shiity, and don't do it", and the beebee comes back saying:

I ONLY ASKED HOW TO PUT IT ON THE INVITE, NOT IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!

Good day to you sir!  I SAID GOOD DAY!

georgia_bride09

Lots of people bring kids into unstable relationships. We're just trying help, Nuggs. No need to get so defensive. I'm really surprised that you're so surprised that this happened. You've been around long enough to know the ropes.

squirrly

Nugget, the last post I remember from you, other than a one liner, was how you had gone to your grandma's over a racial issue and that your marriage was on the brink of ending over it.  Never heard why, or whether there was a resolution.

Then, the next thing is talking about whether you should consider having babies.

When I answer posts, I do so the same way I have conversations with friends - I consider everything I know about them and their situation.  If you wanted blind advice that didn't include your post history, you should have posted on an AE.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:06a1dabb-b88a-401e-ae47-215f3f99cd7b">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]You're sounding like one of the beebee's that comes up in here saying "Well, I'm having two receptions and a cash bar and a honeymoon registry... how do I put this on my invite?"  Then everyone says "That's all shiity, and don't do it", and the beebee comes back saying: I ONLY ASKED HOW TO PUT IT ON THE INVITE, NOT IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA! Good day to you sir!  I SAID GOOD DAY!
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Then I guess I'm a big fat bee bee, Kiki.  Whatever. 

Georgia and P2, like I said, I could post a hundred threads about all the awesome stuff he does for me.  Obviously I should do that more.

Calypso1977

ive been stressing lately abotu kids.  i'll be 34 next year, so we are basically at s*** or get off the pot because i dont want them after 35, and H wants our kid out of college before he retires and he can retire at 55 (but will most likely go at 57).

bottom line is i'm a control freak and a stress bucket.  i dont think i could emotionally handle a child, coupled with a job that requires 50-60 hours a week out of me and many night meetings.  im never home.  daycare is expensive.  there are days id like to quit but i'm stuck.  i'll never find a job making what i make now and we need it to pay the mortgage because we live in metro boston which is ridic expensive.  also, i dont think i shoudl be having a kid just to get out of working.  i feel lately that the feelings i'm having abotu kids are more to avoid what's becoming an unpleasant situation at work.  im burned out.  you dont have kids to escape burnout.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:6665682f-dd5e-4bfc-bc80-bb0dad1ff2f8">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : By "prepared" I meant more along the lines of "financially".  I figured it was a given that the relationship be on solid ground before you bring a child into it.  Obviously I was wrong.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Ok, I really did not get from your OP that you were purely interested in financially - I thought it was more a question of whether you ever have a solid feeling of "we're/I'm totally ready for this."

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:d55a0e30-1622-423e-a855-8385330873dc">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of people bring kids into unstable relationships. We're just trying help, Nuggs. No need to get so defensive. I'm really surprised that you're so surprised that this happened. You've been around long enough to know the ropes.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I'm not surprised.  I'm pissed off.  And I apologize because I'm more than likely being overly dramatic right now, but that's what happens when I get pissed off.  And it pisses me off to think that going forward, everytime I ask a question I'll have to preface it with "I know you think my marriage blows, but" instead of just getting thoughts or answers.  I'll say it again - I don't even know if I want babies.  I just wanted to know if people had the same thoughts as I did.  That's all.

tidetravel

I'm pretty sure everyone here remembers the difficulties that DH and I had early on in our marriage.  While I realize this is not the case in 90% of relationships, I know in my heart that having a child saved our marriage.  Of course, things got really bad before they got better; to the point where it almost broke us.  Only you know what your relationship is like behind the computer screen, Nuggs.  Just know that these ladies care about you, which is why you're getting the advice that you are getting.

Relationship issues aside, babies are a lot of work, stress, and sacrifice.  Like others said, I don't think that you're ever 100% ready, but you should be 100% sure.  Because, there will be days where the only thing that gets you through is the thought that "we wanted this."  LIfe happens, kids or not.  If we waited until we thought we were 100% financially secure, we would probably never have kids.  Life has been difficult, sometimes VERY difficult, in the last year.  It's hard, for example, to watch my sister go on cruises, or out to eat every other night with her boyfriend, when we can't afford to go on vacation or on a date more than once a month.  It's hard to make yourself get up at 4 am to change a diaper, or to have to plan your day around the baby's schedule.  However, for DH and I, being parents is singularly the most rewarding thing that we've ever done in our lives.  We wouldn't change it for the world.