Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?

kbrothers42

My fiance and I are planning our engagement party to be at our favorite local steak house for just the bridal party and immediate family. now that Number is about 25 and we cant afford to pay for everyone since we have 3 kids including a newborn so being on maternity leave I dont have an income... Is it rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner? Part of me feels like it is but a part of me feels like people would also understand... HELP!

daubachsgirl23

You should not be planning an engagement party.  If someone offers to host one for you, then you can accept, but you should not be planning it yourself and you definitely shouldn't ask people to pay for their own dinner.

funandfreckles

You don't plan your own e-party. If you want to host a get together to celebrate your engagement, then you pay.

It would be VERY rude to ask your guests to pay for their own dinner. If you want someone else to pay, you'll have to wait until someone offers to host you an e-party.

Avion22

Typically someone offers to host an Engagement Party in the Bride and Groom's honor.  Whoever offers to host will pay.   This isn't something one should throw in their own honor.  

You can host a non-wedding-related party any time you want.  But if you invite 25 people out to dinner, I think they will assume you are paying for it.  

daveANDkristen

Yes, it is rude to expect them to pay for their own dinner.  It is also rude to host an Engagement Party for yourself.  If someone offers to throw you one, great, if not just save your money and don't have one.  Lots of people don't have an E Party.

Maggie0829

You never plan a party that the guest of honor is you.

Engagement parties, IMO, are completely unncessary.  But if one is thrown for you a person will volunteer to host it.  You do not ask someone to throw one for you and you definitely don't ask guests to foot the bill.

kbrothers42

whoa ok guys calm down no need to get snappy with me. if you read on THIS SITE it says that brides and grooms throw their own engagement parties all the time. Now with that being said I understand how it seems rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner I was just VERIFING so please dont think im some bridezilla spoiled brat cause thats far from the case.. geeze i see this so often on this site that brides and past brides are always so snappy and judgemental of eachother. wth?

MyUserName1

No one was snappy or rude.  You asked a question, they answered it. Chill.

kbrothers42

Anyone can host the engagement party, although traditionally the bride's parents host the first soiree. But, more and more couples are opting to throw their own engagement parties these days, so go for it! Also, you don't have to stop at just one party. If you and your fiance want to have a party for your friends and family, your parents can have a separate one later. The more the merrier!


this is what is posted on this site so my fiance and I figured that it wasnt a big deal and it would be easier for us to host it since our family isnt really that close...

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:41caca3e-d4f7-4b90-a6fc-ff80b29b72a4">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]whoa ok guys calm down no need to get snappy with me. if you read on THIS SITE it says that brides and grooms throw their own engagement parties all the time. Now with that being said I understand how it seems rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner I was just VERIFING so please dont think im some bridezilla spoiled brat cause thats far from the case.. geeze i see this so often on this site that brides and past brides are always so snappy and judgemental of eachother. wth?
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

Nobody was snappy with you.  TK also gives you a list of your bridesmaids duties - it's all crap.  If someone offers to throw you an engagement party, great.  Enjoy.  Otherwise, you don't have one. 

daveANDkristen

Who was "snappy"?  Seems to me  you asked a straightforward question,  Is it rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner?, and got a straightforward answer - yes. 

BTW, try not to take anything published on TK as gospel.  They are a wedding business, that's how they make their money (convincing you that you need more WR events and things than you actual do).

Just H

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:41caca3e-d4f7-4b90-a6fc-ff80b29b72a4">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]whoa ok guys calm down no need to get snappy with me. if you read on THIS SITE it says that brides and grooms throw their own engagement parties all the time. Now with that being said I understand how it seems rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner I was just VERIFING so please dont think im some bridezilla spoiled brat cause thats far from the case.. geeze i see this so often on this site that brides and past brides are always so snappy and judgemental of eachother. wth?
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

No one was snappy with you, they just answered your questions with what is proper etiquette, but maybe didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.  If you want to celebrate with your friends have a cookout at home or something within your means, but dont call it an engagement party.  Forego the formal engagement party unless someone offers to throw it for you.

daveANDkristen

A cookout at home would probably be your best bet.  I still think it's best not to throw your own E Party, but if you're going to, this is route I would go. 

MyUserName1

The articles on this site are sponsored by the wedding industry.  Which wants you to spend more money on more things for your wedding.  They don't give a rip about what is correct or polite.  They'll tell you whatever they feel like they need to in order to get you to spend more money. 

The etiquette board, however, doesn't give a rip about how much money you spend.  We're here to help people not look rude to their friends and family.

Avion22

We weren't trying to be snippy.  Unfortunately this type of question gets asked a lot, so there are usually lots of people who know the correct ettiquette who just want to help you learn what THEY have learned on this site.  I'm sorry if it feels like we ganged up on you.  But what we all posted is the correct thing to do, so we just want to help you to see that.   

funandfreckles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:41caca3e-d4f7-4b90-a6fc-ff80b29b72a4">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]whoa ok guys calm down no need to get snappy with me. if you read on THIS SITE it says that brides and grooms throw their own engagement parties all the time. Now with that being said I understand how it seems rude to ask people to pay for their own dinner I was just VERIFING so please dont think im some bridezilla spoiled brat cause thats far from the case.. geeze i see this so often on this site that brides and past brides are always so snappy and judgemental of eachother. wth?
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

1. No one was snappy. No one was rude. Not "hearing" what you want to "hear" =/= rude.
2. theknot.com doesn't give the best etiquette advice. That's why these boards are here.
3. If you had lurked and know that this board can be snappy and rude then you must have known that a question like your original would have been answered the way it was. So...
4. Were you just trying to create drama?
5. What does VERIFING mean?

kbrothers42

how do you knw i wasnt hearing what i wanted to hear? I asked a question because i didnt know. and avion22 answered that perfectly and thank you fr gwetting where i was coming from. Numbering things comes off as snappy and rude so thanks for that and I dont lurk i happen to catch posts all over the website on occassion. No i wasnt trying to start drama as im assuming you are so this will be my only response to "funandfreckles" As I said in the post a big part of me felt like It would be rude but I wanted to make sure that I was on the right track. everyone has different thots on etiquette like the dollar dance and allowing kids etc. theres no reason to say someone is RUDE in caps because they were under the impression that hosting an e-party was fine. Thank you to everyone who understood where i was coming from we are a young couple pretty much paying for everything for our wedding on our own and in only a few short months so we dont really have time to keep track on what we are and are not supposed to do.

SB1512

Do you want this party as a way to get the families and bridal party to meet?  If so, why not just host a general get together (like a backyard BBQ) to do that, and don't call it an engagement party.  The purpose of everyone meeting would still get accomplished and you won't be rude because you wouldn't be throwing your own party.

hccpsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:a9afc8fa-88e6-4cdb-9e53-f81ca0d7c801">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]. The more the merrier! this is what is posted on this site so my fiance and I figured that it wasnt a big deal and it would be easier for us to host it since our family isnt really that close...
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

Except you AREN'T hosting it--you want people to pay for their own meals.

Agree that you should let someone throw a party for you--I doubt Emily Post or Miss Manners says it's okay to throw yourself an engagement party.

kbrothers42

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:f56e74ac-daf9-4e9a-b110-7846a3935f63">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you want this party as a way to get the families and bridal party to meet?  If so, why not just host a general get together (like a backyard BBQ) to do that, and don't call it an engagement party.  The purpose of everyone meeting would still get accomplished and you won't be rude because you wouldn't be throwing your own party.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

Thats exactly what it would be. our families almost never get together with eachother and have never met so we wanted everyone to get a chance to meet the bridal party and what not.

kbrothers42

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:2f354d43-f009-478c-8bab-ff6f3f5db3e2">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party? : Except you AREN'T hosting it--you want people to pay for their own meals. Agree that you should let someone throw a party for you--I doubt Emily Post or Miss Manners says it's okay to throw yourself an engagement party.
Posted by hccpsu[/QUOTE]

i didnt say i wanted them to pay for their own meal either just asked if it was bad to have them pay. we could always figure something out by going a different route but my Ultimate goal isnt to have them pay for their own food... love how things get read into for way more than what they are.
:/

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:a83317f3-d579-4565-9b25-dce6336d87d7">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party? : Thats exactly what it would be. our families almost never get together with eachother and have never met so we wanted everyone to get a chance to meet the bridal party and what not.
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

Then throw a backyard BBQ and don't call it an engagement party. But also be prepared for not everyone (bridal party members, especially) to come...

FWIW - I don't think everyone needs to meet ahead of time. Our bridal party met one another at the rehearsal and everyone was fine. In fact, my IL's met my dad and his wife at the rehearsal, too.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:5fa797e8-c67e-4139-8a12-2b1e29b44e55">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]how do you knw i wasnt hearing what i wanted to hear? I asked a question because i didnt know. and avion22 answered that perfectly and thank you fr gwetting where i was coming from. Numbering things comes off as snappy and rude so thanks for that and I dont lurk i happen to catch posts all over the website on occassion. No i wasnt trying to start drama as im assuming you are so this will be my only response to "funandfreckles" As I said in the post a big part of me felt like It would be rude but I wanted to make sure that I was on the right track. everyone has different thots on etiquette like the dollar dance and allowing kids etc. theres no reason to say someone is RUDE in caps because they were under the impression that hosting an e-party was fine. Thank you to everyone who understood where i was coming from <strong>we are a young couple pretty much paying for everything for our wedding on our own and in only a few short months so we dont really have time to keep track on what we are and are not supposed to do</strong>.
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

You aren't the only one's on here who are young, with kids, and paying for their own wedding so mentioning that does not make you a special snowflake and immune to following etiquette.

And you should stay on top of what is and what is not rude to do because you definitely don't want to piss your guests off.

kbrothers42

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:327089f8-15fc-4cd5-b76e-1e6080960b08">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party? : You aren't the only one's on here who are young, with kids, and paying for their own wedding so mentioning that does not make you a special snowflake and immune to following etiquette. And you should stay on top of what is and what is not rude to do because you definitely don't want to piss your guests off.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]



HAHA um did i say it made me special? lol or a snowflake? no. thanks tho for that ;)

kbrothers42

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:5ebcfd7c-10f4-46c1-82ac-1b3fe5d7be3f">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want your families to meet, don't do a big official engagement party. Just invite them out together.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]


 see thats what we wanted to do was just a "get together" but we were told it was an engagement party so thats just what it ended up being called lol

funandfreckles

This just seems phony. The immediate "ZOMG YOU GUYS ARE BEING SO RUDE" response, to the awful spelling, typos, and thanking only specific people for their advice.

kbrothers42

This is from my phone so excuse the typos. and considering i was away for like 5 min and had a bunch of messages from ladies thinking i was being rude kinda threw me off for a second so paron me. and im not trying to only thank certain people its just hard to keep track of each of them thats why i also said thankyou to everyone who understood where i was coming from...:)

funandfreckles

Yes, you thanked only the ones who understood where you're coming from; however, we all gave advice.

Bad troll attempt, IMHO.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:ca8f9302-bdda-4a6f-892a-688d9737f8e9">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party? :  see thats what we wanted to do was just a "get together" but we were told it was an engagement party so thats just what it ended up being called lol
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

Now come on...did you really "lol" at the end of this sentence?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:7b556306-60be-410b-be40-a28898c54360">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>This is from my phone </strong>so excuse the typos. and considering i was away for like 5 min and had a bunch of messages from ladies thinking i was being rude kinda threw me off for a second so paron me. and im not trying to only thank certain people its just hard to keep track of each of them thats why i also said thankyou to everyone who understood where i was coming from...:)
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

All of the posts can't be from your phone, as at least one of your replies has paragraphs. You can't do paragraphs from your phone.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-traditionally-pays-for-the-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f538a9cd-45e5-4e91-81ab-e7f4b728b4fdPost:67119b93-e0ed-4856-a253-e1281512331e">Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who Traditionally pays for the engagement party? : HAHA um did i say it made me special? lol or a snowflake? no. thanks tho for that ;)
Posted by kbrothers42[/QUOTE]

You making it a point to mention that you are young, etc makes you seem like you are the only on this planet that is in that position thus making you a special snowflake where rules do not apply.