Please delete

applestar13

thanks!

sarah0725

If this friend is such a good friend, how is it that you've only met her husband once? Why didn't you attend her wedding?

And you can't break up a social unit when you're sending out wedding invitations. Either you invite your friend with her spouse, or not at all. If they do come, you'll probably barely notice him on your wedding day, because you'll be too busy doing other things. Just sit them with other people who won't react much to his behavior - you'll be able to insulate your families from him pretty easily.

But really, it sounds like you might not actually be that close to this girl, since you didn't attend her wedding, barely know her husband, and don't seem to care about whether she stays your friend or not (as per your last few lines). If this is true, then don't invite her.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:abb59775-8fe3-4044-aff5-12dc1fb3343b">How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all! I am in a bit of a pickle. I am getting married in 7 months and I have not sent the invitations yet.   How do I politely inform my friend, who has been a friend since like 4th grade, that I would love her presence but not her husband. He has a crude sense of humor. He tells sex jokes and constantly bad mouthing. We have only met the guy once. The time we met, he was constantly trying to get the waitress's number, and trying to sleep with her. He was basically sexually harassing the waitress. It got so bad that the manager came over and asked him to stop and he didn't! She didn't seem to have a problem her husband's attitude. She infact told me that "I know my husband is an A$$ and I am ok with it. I understand that that is his sense of humor, but our families WILL NOT tolerate that kind of humor. My fiance is worried that he will offend our familes, which for sure, I think he will. Both of our families are very very reserved and quiet. They are not too religious but to some degree, almost a quarter of our guest will be church goers. How do I tell her that her husband is not invited. Should I email her, call her, ask her out, or just blantly, not invite her and tell her why. I am also afraid that if I invite her, I will hurt her feelings, or her husband will cause more trouble. I care about my friendship with her greatly but my friendship/relationship with my best friend (fiance) is much more important. I have to preserve that first. They are both straightfoward people and will tell you in your face if they don't like you. Maybe I should just tell her about my problem. If she understands, then she is worth keeping if not, then, my day, my family, my future husband comes first. I just spoke to her the other day. Not about this situation but about her husband's general behavior. She basically said, "He can behave, but he just choses not to because he likes to test people's limit." She also thinks that is funny.
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]
You really can't. All you'll end up doing is offending her.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If you value the friendship, you'll invite her husband. There's little that's as offensive (wedding-invitation-wise) as not inviting a social unit. If I were your friend and my husband wasn't invited, I'd decline your wedding.

The guy doesn't sound THAT bad. I mean, I've heard some stories around these parts and this guy sounds like your run-of-the-mill jackass. Trust me, you won't notice he's there. Sit him with your college friends. If he offends your family, it will reflect poorly on him, not on you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

And I would HOPE that you wouldn't set invitations at the 7 month mark. You have about 5 more months until they need to go out.

sarah0725

Don't send the save the date, because if you do, you'll have to either send them an invite or end the friendship. Sit on it for a few months and revisit it when you're planning on sending out invitations.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:abb59775-8fe3-4044-aff5-12dc1fb3343b">How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]How do I politely inform my friend, who has been a friend since like 4th grade, that I would love her presence but not her husband. [/quote]
There is no polite way to say that.



If he gets out of hand, he could be told to knock it off or asked to leave, but, honestly, you haven't spent much time with him, so for all you know, he could end up surprising you and behaving himself. You have time to ponder this, still. But, yeah, it's both or neither, really.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:209364a9-5495-402a-8986-ba3fe7816795">Re: How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]I have meet him before (kinda). I attended their wedding. They had a small wedding and she didn't introduce me to him. They only known each other for about 2 months before they got married. He joined the miltary and went to the east coast. Now 5 years later, she came back and she contacted me. Through out the years, we stayed in contact trough myspace and facebook. We had dinner with them and they had awful manners. What bothered me was that she knew it and it was accpeted. She said, I knew what he was like when I married him and that is why I love him. He is bold and he speaks his mind. In my opinion,<strong> there is a difference between speaking your mind vs just being plain out rude.</strong>
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]
I find this humorous, coming from someone who wants to commit one of the biggest etiquette no-no's.

rachaelb16

He may be rude, but you would be rude if you didn't invite your friend's husband.  Like pp said don't send the STD and give yourself time to think about it.  How often do you see this girl?  Are you even all that close with her any more?  If you hate her husband enough that you would invite her but not him your friendship will probably dissolve anyway.

2dBride

One more thought:  Sometime between now and when invitations go out, can you take her aside and say something like, "I'd really love to have you two at my wedding, but I'm a bit concerned that H's sense of humor may not go over well with my more conservative family members.  Any chance he can tone it down for the day, or should I avoid embarrassing the two of you by just leaving you off the invitation list?"  I had to do this for one of my guests.  It's tough, and embarrassing.  However, trying to invite her without him, or putting up with his stuff at the wedding, could be much more embarrassing.

iamjoesgurl

It seems to me that you should not invite your friend.  If you were to invite her alone, she would probably be offended and I doubt she would come.  I agree with pps that you should hold off on the STD and when the invites are ready to go out, make a decision to either invite them both or neither of them.

squirrly

You can't.  If you want to invite her, he's part of tha package.  How would you feel if people purposefully excluded your FI?

JuneBlossom3

I feel your pain.  I am in a similar situation.  I am a pretty difficult person to offend.  I can find humor almost anywhere!  But I have a close friend who's husband I would very much prefer to not invite -- similar story, only he's not as crude.  A small example: at my other friend's wedding, he found out I wasn't changing my name, and kept harping on it.  He asked my fiance' how he could 'let me do that'.  I brushed it off and just kept trying to crack a few jokes and change the subject, but he WOULD NOT DROP IT.  And it ruined everyone's evening because it got so uncomfortable. 

So that being said, I'm not thrilled about him coming to my destination wedding in Mexico.  So I feel you, girl. *hugs*

However, if this is not a DW, and it's just one day to worry about, I would still invite them both, but I would have a talk with your friend beforehand, over lunch or a drink or whatever, and tell her that you're having anxiety about this and how much it would mean to you if she would talk to him beforehand about behaving himself.  You could even warn her that if he crosses the line too much that he might be asked to leave.  And put them at a table with people they know who are used to his sense of humor, or with people that you know don't offend easily.  And uh, don't set them close to your officiant! LOL

However, keep in mind you're going to be so busy with everything that you probably won't notice unless he's the type to get plowed and dance on the bar or something. 

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:209364a9-5495-402a-8986-ba3fe7816795">Re: How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]We had dinner with them and<strong> they had awful manners</strong>. What bothered me was that she knew it and it was accpeted. She said, I knew what he was like when I married him and that is why I love him. He is bold and he speaks his mind. In my opinion, there is a difference between speaking your mind vs just being plain out rude.
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]

Honest truth here:  you sound REALLY judgemental of your friend.  She loves her husband and accepts him for who he is.  I think that is great.  Sure, he may not be the type of person you like, but she is happy.  Don't insult her by telling her you don't approve of her husband.  They are a couple now.  They come as a package.  You have to decide if you want to continue a friendship with them or not.  If you really can't stand the guy that much, then just don't invite them. 

I also agree with other posters that it doesn't sound like you have spent much time with him.  I doubt he'd really be that offensive at a wedding.  Like others said, you probably wouldn't notice it, just sit him with people who have a good sense of humor.

zitiqueen

They both sound like assholes.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:abb59775-8fe3-4044-aff5-12dc1fb3343b">How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all! I am in a bit of a pickle. I am getting married in 7 months and I have not sent the invitations yet.   How do I politely inform my friend, who has been a friend since like 4th grade, that I would love her presence but not her husband. He has a crude sense of humor. He tells sex jokes and constantly bad mouthing. We have only met the guy once. The time we met, he was constantly trying to get the waitress's number, and trying to sleep with her. He was basically sexually harassing the waitress. It got so bad that the manager came over and asked him to stop and he didn't! She didn't seem to have a problem her husband's attitude. She infact told me that "I know my husband is an A$$ and I am ok with it. I understand that that is his sense of humor, but our families WILL NOT tolerate that kind of humor. My fiance is worried that he will offend our familes, which for sure, I think he will. Both of our families are very very reserved and quiet. They are not too religious but to some degree, almost a quarter of our guest will be church goers. How do I tell her that her husband is not invited. Should I email her, call her, ask her out, or just blantly, not invite her and tell her why. I am also afraid that if I invite her, I will hurt her feelings, or her husband will cause more trouble. I care about my friendship with her greatly but my friendship/relationship with my best friend (fiance) is much more important. I have to preserve that first. They are both straightfoward people and will tell you in your face if they don't like you. Maybe I should just tell her about my problem. If she understands, then she is worth keeping if not, then, my day, my family, my future husband comes first. I just spoke to her the other day. Not about this situation but about her husband's general behavior. She basically said, "He can behave, but he just choses not to because he likes to test people's limit." She also thinks that is funny.
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]

You aren't REALLY asking this, are you?

How rude to consider inviting someone without their spouse.

elizabethm4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:6d4295f4-9d91-4563-894e-fbe7fb4a876e">Re: How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE] One of the questions was, "I heard that asians are tight down there....is that true?" We are all sitting at the table staring at him just speechless. How can someone think that is right time to say it? He wasn't just taken a crack at us. He was saying that he married my friend only for miltary benefits....errr, that was when she went to the restroom. I haven't told her because I didn't want to cause a problem between them. I think I have decided to go out with them for the second time and see how it is. I'll base my decision off of that...
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, there are no words. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry your friend married someone like this!! If I were her I would be mortified. It's unfortunate that it's affecting your friendship. Personally, I would invite them both because this marriage isn't going to last long and I would want my friend back after it breaks up. But my family and friends are the kind of people who would just tell him to shut up or leave. If your crew is different, maybe you are right to not invite either of them.</div>

alison1958

couple of issues--1-if shes such a good friend, how come you have met her husband once. don't you spend time together? and if you have only met him once, how do you know he acts like that all the time. i think you either have to bite the bullet and invite them as a couple. and hope for the best. or not invite them at all and risk losing the friendship.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:abb59775-8fe3-4044-aff5-12dc1fb3343b">How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all! I am in a bit of a pickle. I am getting married in 7 months and I have not sent the invitations yet.   How do I politely inform my friend, who has been a friend since like 4th grade, that I would love her presence but not her husband. He has a crude sense of humor. He tells sex jokes and constantly bad mouthing. We have only met the guy once. The time we met, he was constantly trying to get the waitress's number, and trying to sleep with her. He was basically sexually harassing the waitress. It got so bad that the manager came over and asked him to stop and he didn't! She didn't seem to have a problem her husband's attitude. She infact told me that "I know my husband is an A$$ and I am ok with it. I understand that that is his sense of humor, but our families WILL NOT tolerate that kind of humor. My fiance is worried that he will offend our familes, which for sure, I think he will. Both of our families are very very reserved and quiet. They are not too religious but to some degree, almost a quarter of our guest will be church goers. How do I tell her that her husband is not invited. Should I email her, call her, ask her out, or just blantly, not invite her and tell her why. I am also afraid that if I invite her, I will hurt her feelings, or her husband will cause more trouble. I care about my friendship with her greatly but my friendship/relationship with my best friend (fiance) is much more important. I have to preserve that first. They are both straightfoward people and will tell you in your face if they don't like you. Maybe I should just tell her about my problem. If she understands, then she is worth keeping if not, then, my day, my family, my future husband comes first. I just spoke to her the other day. Not about this situation but about her husband's general behavior. She basically said, "He can behave, but he just choses not to because he likes to test people's limit." She also thinks that is funny.
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]
Yeah, good luck with that.

noodle_oo

Okay, yeah, that sounds pretty bad.  My new question: is your friend happy?  Because if she is happy and loves her husband (even though he does sound pretty awful), then you can't invite her alone without really offending her.  Trying to invite her alone is basically passing judgement on her relationship, and that may ruin your friendship.  So if you want to save the friendship, I think you have no choice but to invite him.

I'm glad you are going out with them again.  Maybe that first dinner was a fluke?  But if not, I'd also suggest going out with your friend alone and trying to figure out if she is okay.  I'd be sad to be in a relationship where my partner was losing me friends, which it sounds like is happening.

Good luck!

Catwoman708

It is rude and unacceptable to invite only her.  Even if you did, they might misunderstand and he's show up anyway.  So if you don't want the husband at your wedding, then don't invite the couple, period. 

It sucks that she is expecting an inviation, but just because she chooses to tolerate a socially unacceptable spouse doesn't mean anyone else has to.  She made her decision, be socially shunned is one of the consequences she chose to live with.

You can either just not invite her, and wait and see if she asks about it, or tell her honestly that you didn't invite them because you didn't want to risk her DH ruining your wedding.  He can "test the limits" somewhere else.

banana468

You need to invite them as a unit - or not invite them as a unit.

But speak up when you hear him say this stuff.  If someone irritated me, there wouldn't be a second visit and I wouldn't be silent as I was offended.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-someones-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f576271a-8653-4978-bd32-f1f844e256edPost:1008fb11-e1f0-40c2-8527-2a1fc5745118">Re: How to not to invite someone's spouse.</a>:
[QUOTE] I know that they are a pair. It would be much easier to not invite her but that will upset her as well. When I have to explain why, I can lie and tell her that I have reached my budget or tell her the truth.
Posted by applestar13[/QUOTE]

And yet, when you marry a jerk, you do sort of miss out on social events. I know it's hard to not invite her and you want to support her. Basically, we're telling you that not inviting HALF the couple isn't an option, but whatever else you do it up to you.

I mentioned putting him near your college friends rather than, say, your grandmother. Or SOMEONE who won't be totally offended by off-color commentary.

Etiquette_Maven

You either invite them both, or don't invite them at all. As others said, it seems maybe she isn't someone that close to you, but rather someone you have known for a very long time? In any case, it's all or nothing. Best of luck!

mwhitson14

A really good friend of mine is married to a HUGE a*ss. H hates him, they almost got into a physical altercation one night when he kept hitting on me and told me he'd enjoy a threesome with me and another girl (NOT his wife). He makes rude, sexual comments, hits on me constantly, and we refuse to hang out with them when he's around.

Unfortunately, he attended our wedding and it was a huge embarassment. He made a really disgusting comment to H on our wedding day after the ceremony, and was just overall really rude, even flipping me off when he came into the reception. I love my friend, but she just tolerates his behavior and even laughs at it occasionally.

My point of that is I totally understand where you're coming from, and it really sucks to have to invite someone like that. But, it would have really hurt my friend to not invite him, and so I did. You have to not only consider what the right thing to do is,
but the feelings of your friend.

Good luck!