Help me talk to DH about baby names...

ac_in_dc

OK, so I mentioned last week that DH's family has this odd naming tradition for the firstborn son. Since DH's initials are BP, the kid's initials are supposed to be PB, and the middle name is supposed to be the same as DH's first name.

For some reason this is really bumming me out. And I can't decide how to deal with this. DH said he needs some time to think about how important this tradition is to him before we can make a decision on what to do.

Right now I feel (irrationally?) upset at getting "forced" into naming my kid a certain way. It seems like such an honor to decide the name for a child, and feeling railroaded in to one of just a handful of choices (there aren't that many names that begin with P) is freaking me out. Plus it makes me feel weird, like somehow boys and the first kid is more important than the other kids b/c they get this special name.

I'm not sure yet if I want to lobby to break the tradition or just figure out a way to become happy with it in my mind. What would you do? How should I talk to DH??

ButtonsPepper

I went through a similar thing with FI. He is a III in his family, and just assumed we would have an IV. I don't want to be forced to name my child anything. I like the name and all... it's just, there are already so many of them in the family, STOP THE MADNESS NOW. We had a few discussions about how important naming the child was, how I didn't want two people with the same name in the house, and that eventually, it would break. Did we want to put the pressure we feel on our child who may want to break tradition?

After talking, he realized that it was more important to me to pick the name, then it was him keeping tradition, which he didn't really care about.

You just have to figure out how important it is to your DH, and how important it is to you, and work together.

For us, we are using his first name as the middle name, and first name is free range. Maybe a compromise on using his first name as the middle, but allowing the first name to be anything...

ExpatPumpkin

Yikes!!!

Well, if it makes you feel any better, my husband's name is Hilario.  Pronounced in Spanish as E-LA-RIO and in English as HI-LAR-RIO.  It's just not pretty in English

I've told him I don't mind making that a boy's middle name, but he must have a neutral first name.  Neutral meaning easily recognized and able to be pronounced in both languages.  Like Adrian or Maria, for example.

As to your problem, I'd try to find some P names before I ditch the tradition.  If that won't work, then just be honest with your DH.  Perhaps when he sees the limited options, he'll feel the same way you do.  Good luck

Kati0105

Sounds like you at least have some flexibility with the name - there are a lot of P names that are actually really nice.  FI is dead set on naming our first son after his grandfather (Joseph).  I personally hate the name, as it sounds super biblical to me, but it is so important to him that it would potentially be a deal breaker to him if I refused to name our son that.  So while I'm less than thrilled about it, I've kind of accepted it (with the condition that I get a big say in the names of any other children we have).

georgia_bride09

My husband, very early on, told me that he wanted to name his first born son his mom's maiden name. I didn't love it at first, but since it's so important to him, I just picked a middle name I liked and we compromised. I also have picked a girl's first name and we'll decide her middle name together (leaning towards MY mom's middle name). Anyway, if we have two boys or two girls, we're up the creek as far as names are concerned.

If he decides that this is important to him, I would just try to come up with a list of P names you can live with. I mean, are you currently super attached to any names that aren't P names, or is it more of just a trapped into a tradition feeling that's making you not want to consider P names?

ac_in_dc

Yeah, I think it may just be something I need to get used to and then I'll be OK with it. I guess the good news is if the tradition stands I'd get way more latitude with our other kids' names.

Thanks for the input.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-dh-baby-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f73375b2-7bf1-4eee-889b-597d8bf710c6Post:d36272c6-6421-4912-9e12-430dd7484483">Re: Help me talk to DH about baby names...</a>:
[QUOTE] What about a compromise, where you give the kid DH's name as a middle name but pick a different first name?
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

I would do that - use a middle name to "honor" someone (DH) and then have free reign with the first name.

Though if you do end up going by naming convention,. I wouldn't blame you if you picked a nickname out of left frield. Like William Alexander Holmes VI, aka "Tripp." (My FI went to college with someone who was so-and-so VIII. True story. I bet he was a legacy...)

ButtonsPepper

VIII is just too much for me! We already have Jimmy, no the other one, no the other one! I can't take it. It stops here. The only person crushed by this? MY mother... apparently she LOVES legacy names....

crfische

ARe you fucking kidding me?

No way on Gods green earth would I let ANYONE dictate what the hell I name the child that I'm growing INSIDE OF ME.

That's insane.

AmoroAgain

Yeah, I find that all a bit odd.  Legacy names and tradition hey... not great.

If my dad had followed that (and I'd been a boy) my name would have been Guy.  GUY.  WTF.  Just because it's a tradition doesn't mean it's a GOOD tradition.

desireedp

I would look into some P names before you knock the tradition aside. It would be one thing if you'd had your heart set on a certain name your whole life and now you can't do it...

I'm in the same sort of situation. In Fi's family, the first born son always keeps the same first name and then gets a different middle name (that way their isn't an VIII lol). I'm okay with it, we're pretty sure we'll give him my dad's first name as a middle name.

liz745

I wouldnt really be ok with that. I wouldnt want to be forced into picking a name that i didnt really love for my child. If i were you I would tell your DH that you will try but if you cant find a name that you love that follows this tradition then you are not ok with following it. Or perhaps there is a compromise that can be made.

As for previous posters who said that a name that means something is better than random names the parents like, I dont agree there are reasons you like names and the name of your child will always mean something to you.

Also I completly agree that the tradition mkaes it seem as though the first child is more important than the others because thier name is "special" or whatever. You definatly need to talk to your DH.

crfische

Agreed, LizNoob.

Kati0105

I would look into some P names before you knock the tradition aside. It would be one thing if you'd had your heart set on a certain name your whole life and now you can't do it...

This is how I feel about it.  The name Joseph is REALLY important to FI whereas there is no boy name that is particularly important to me, so I'm willing to make the compromise even though it isn't a name I would ever choose.  I won't love my son any less or more regardless of what his name is, and I don't agree that I should have more say just because I will be the one actually carrying and delivering the baby - the baby will be just as much FI's son as it will be my son.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-dh-baby-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f73375b2-7bf1-4eee-889b-597d8bf710c6Post:974a7dd6-5dd9-4ea1-8974-741cd4b5ff8c">Re: Help me talk to DH about baby names...</a>:
[QUOTE]ARe you fucking kidding me? No way on Gods green earth would I let ANYONE dictate what the hell I name the child that I'm growing INSIDE OF ME. That's insane.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

And not to discount their "tradition", but that one just seems random and ridiculous. It's one thing to make the son's middle name the same as the father's (which can be nice and all), but I don't understand the point of all that other stuff.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-dh-baby-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f73375b2-7bf1-4eee-889b-597d8bf710c6Post:7069702f-95ce-48ee-9dab-d07bf3261c1f">Re: Help me talk to DH about baby names...</a>:
[QUOTE]If my dad had followed that (and I'd been a boy) my name would have been Guy.  GUY.  WTF. 
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I was just having a conversation a couple days ago about how much I can't stand that name.

lpstl

I'm sorry, but that's a ridiculous tradition. I can see using your H's first name as your son's middle name, but the first name corresponding with H's middle initial is retarded. Yes, I said retarded.

I'd see if he's up for a compromise with the first name. This is your first child, you're the one carrying him for 10 months and going through childbirth. You should have some say in the name.

crfische

and I don't agree that I should have more say just because I will be the one actually carrying and delivering the baby

But in this case, you are saying that he actually has more say than you, right? Because it isn't a name that you would have chosen in a million years. So why should HE have more say than YOU?

fangsiting

Hey, it's really not that bad with the recent trend in misspelling kid names.  Just pick out your favorite name and add a "p."  Of course, he'll be saying this for the rest of his life:  "My name is Timothy.  P-T-I-M-O-T-H-Y.  The p is silent."

Kati0105

So why should HE have more say than YOU?

Well my "say" is acquiesing to the name he loves because I know how much it means to him and I agree that his reasons (his step-grandfather Joseph wooed his grandmother after his biological dad suffered PTSD and abandoned her and Joseph then went on to raise her young son, FI's father, like his own son) outweigh mine ("eww I don't really like that name, it sounds biblical").  If he didn't have a good reason for wanting the name Joseph or if I had a good reason to oppose it (i.e I had lost my virginity to someone with that name or something) it would be more of a debate, but with the way it is it is something I am content to compromise on.

3plus

I was in a similar situation when I had my kids.  All the first born sons on my Dad's side are named Frank.  My dad, my grandad, my great-grandad...all Franks.  And they don't go by their middle names.  Had I been a boy, guess what my name would have been. 

When it came to my own kids though, I decided that no way in freaking hell would I be naming my son Frank.  It didn't end up being as big of a deal as I expected it to be.  I found another name that coincidentally happened to be in the family and that seemed to settle them down.

ac_in_dc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_talk-dh-baby-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f73375b2-7bf1-4eee-889b-597d8bf710c6Post:95da5b69-5bdc-4ea4-8f91-e306be8e7d6d">Re: Help me talk to DH about baby names...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey, it's really not that bad with the recent trend in misspelling kid names.  Just pick out your favorite name and add a "p."  Of course, he'll be saying this for the rest of his life:  "My name is Timothy.  P-T-I-M-O-T-H-Y.  The p is silent."
Posted by fangsiting[/QUOTE]

DED. "Ptimothy. Like Ptomaine." <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

mandysmear

That is ridiculous.  Absolutely absurd. 

I would middle name but that's it.  UNLESS it worked out that there was a name that I loved that started with the required initial.  Then there'd be no problems. 

jens_a_ten

What is it with firstborns and boys and all that? What a bunch of outdated bullsh*t. I'm all for a little tradition if it's not stupid.

I think that allowing the middle name thing is more than enough of a comprimise. And that you should get the main say on the first name because of that. For the reasons already mentioned-- as well as the fact that for about 90% of us here, the kid's last names are all going to be the husband's last name, so they already get that.

I also hate "junior"s and "I, II, III's and whatnot. I'd use a family name in naming my kid, but I'd never name a kid after myself or my husband. It seems pretty narcissistic to honor yourself when naming a human being. If you really can't think of anyone more important than yourself to name a kid after, then you think too highly of yourself.

Andrea_Lea

are there any P names you do like? Ya know, in the event it means a lot to your H that you go the PB route.  What about Parker?

If you're entirely against the idea, maybe your best bet is to be honest, that you want to start your own traditions together.

thesuninherhead

I second lpstl. I reserve usage of the word retarted for seriously ridiculous, insane and illogical things... and this certainly falls into that category!

 

There isn't a lot more that can be said on it, really, but you're not at all irrational for wanting to be able to name your son whatever you feel you'd like to name him. That is the basic right of the vast majority of parents in the Western world (aside from those who attempt to name their child, 'Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii').

 

I'd be a having a long and hard talk to H about this, if I were you.

SparrowSong

I have trouble with men insisting a child have their name as a middle name, or that they be a junior, whatever. The baby already (in vast majority of situations) is taking the dad's last name. And that's just assumed. Most don't even make a decision about that. But isn't that enough of an honor? Seems very fair to me that the next step is to take some kind of name from the mom's side of the family for the first or middle name, or at least let mom's opinion weigh a little more heavy in the decision process.

I would never in a million years agree to a junior, III, etc. I can't stand that. I want my first gift to my child to be a name that belongs to them. As far as the PB thing... I don't know. It's pretty annoying. If there was a P name I actually really really liked, I might be willing to suck it up and go along with things. But in general I would just hate these contrived naming rules being forced on me, and me just being expected to go along with it because it's "traditon," and OMG you don't question or stray from "tradition."

YaPuppy

My Dad is a 3rd, and to this day my Mom still counts her blessings that I was a girl and she was able to forgo that battle.  She was extremely anti having a 4th, while her MIL and my Dad were very pro.  Since I was a surprise, I can only imagine what a fun 9 months that was

I got lucky in that Fi doesn't have anything like that going on, although he wouldn't mind having a jr.  At least its a normal, if not fairly common name, so I wouldn't necessarily mind it either.  That said, I wouldn't be okay with feeling forced into having to pick a certain name.  Trying to be open minded is one thing but having only a certain amount of choices that you may not like is a little tougher.