Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sleepovers with the opposite sex

I know there is no right or wrong answer to this, but I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Would you sleep over a (completely platonic) friend of the opposite sex's house without your FI?  Would you be comfortable with him doing the same?

I'm going to Philadelphia Sunday to see some friends.  Most of my childhood friends are male, and the only two that are female live in the suburbs.  If my female friend hadn't taken off work Monday and offered me a room for the night I would have gone  back to NY Sunday evening rather than staying with one of my male friends who lives in the city.  FI hasn't actually said anything about it forbidding me to stay overnight with a guy friend, but I know he would be uncomfortable and therefore I feel it would be disrespectful to him to do it.  He was in London a few years ago on tour and chose to stay in a hotel rather than the (female) friend's house that the rest of the group was staying at.  I wouldn't have been threatened by his sleeping at this woman's house, but again I found his action a reflection of his respect for our relationship.
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Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex

  • It would depend on the other person.  H has a couple of female friends from college that he goes to visit occasionally.  They are all in committed relationships and they have never had a sexual relationship.  If he asked me if he could stay over with them, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

    But if it was just some random girl I'd never met?  Yeah, I'd be uncomfortable with that.
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  • It would bother me. Even trusting H, there is something about the situation that is inappropriate to me.

    A girl I know frequently goes back home for various reasons and stays with her guy friends from high school. It is just strange to me that she would stay with the guys rather than her female friends, or with her family. But her H is cool with it, so whatever.

    For me, if staying with a guy was the only option, I'd get a hotel. I'd be uncomfortable staying with a guy just as much as I would H staying with a women.
  • I trust my fiance but i think it is highly inappropriate. If it was a big group staying there that would be different. He would not be comfortable with me staying at a guys place either, nor should he be, i am not single so i should not spend the night with another man, platonic & different rooms mean nothing. 
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  • It would make me kind of uncomfortable, but I wouldn't forbid it. Especially if it was just a friend & they never had a sexual relationship. My FI went up to Columbus with a bunch of his guy friends & they all stayed at a girl's house (she was a friend of one of the guys). It didn't bother me too much because she was the only girl there, & FI was with a bunch of his friends.
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  • NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    5000 Comments
    edited March 2012
    Noodle's got two female friends whose houses he's stayed over at for one reason or another.  One of them is a lesbian.  The other one is a girl I'm also friends with, and who is not even remotely attracted to Noodle nor him to her.  So I don't care, I guess? I know all of his female friends and they're either in committed relationships or they're gay or they're like a sister.  But it comes down to me trusting him and them.  If I didn't trust one of the girls, he wouldn't stay there.  If I didn't trust HIM, we'd have a lot more to worry about than where he spent the night.
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  • I think it depends on the person, whether they're in a relationship or not, and what sort of sleeping arrangements are available.  And of course, whether they're gay (which most of my male friends are!).

    Very early on in our relationship, H went to Toronto for the film festival and stayed with a female friend that he'd met there 2 years before and had a passionate 2-week fling with.  I think they even shared a bed when he stayed with her!  We argued about it for weeks and he refused to admit that it was the least bit strange.  I lost that argument, and he stayed with her, and I believe him that nothing happened.

    Now, 5 years and one breakup and get-back-together later, he has finally admitted that he sees why it was messed up and that he understands why I was mad.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:3d9c9329-b36b-428b-94a7-6797dd3e0789">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it depends on the person, whether they're in a relationship or not, and what sort of sleeping arrangements are available.  And of course, whether they're gay (which most of my male friends are!). Very early on in our relationship, <strong>H went to Toronto for the film festival and stayed with a female friend that he'd met there 2 years before and had a passionate 2-week fling with.  I think they even shared a bed when he stayed with her!</strong>  We argued about it for weeks and he refused to admit that it was the least bit strange.  I lost that argument, and he stayed with her, and I believe him that nothing happened. Now, 5 years and one breakup and get-back-together later, he has finally admitted that he sees why it was messed up and that he understands why I was mad.
    Posted by abbalish[/QUOTE]

    I'mma be straight with you and say that if Noodle pulled that mess, we wouldn't be together right now.  Especially early on when there's far less emotional attachment and it's easier to walk away.
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  • As long as FI wasn't staying with an ex, I'd be fine with it. I completely trust him, and it wouldn't even cross my mind to care about it.  He has two cray-cray exes, and I'd worry about them.  His platonic girl friends are amazing, and I wouldn't bother me at all if he crashed at their places.

    He's friends with two of my exes, and he doesn't worry about us hanging out at all without him.  I've never stayed over their places though, I wouldn't be Ok with that.
  • Huh, I guess I don't have any guy friends that aren't either in a relationship or gay (or both).  And Matt doesn't have any girl friends who aren't in a relationship.  So I can't even think when this would occur.

    But as long as there's a separate bedroom and we've each met the other person, I don't see any issues.

  • LP11509LP11509 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited March 2012
    I'd be fine with it.  A friend is a friend, regardless of gender.  I have guy friends that I would (and have) stayed with while traveling. If H told me that I couldn't, I'd be upset with him.  I've been friends with them for years, and they're like my brothers.

    When we were dating and living in the dorms in grad school, he had a female friend visit.  She stayed with him in his dorm room.  NBD to me. They'd been friends for years and nothing had ever happened, so I had no reason to think that anything would start.

    ETA: If it was someone that I had never met before, I would probably be a bit less flippant about it.  I'm not sure that I would outright forbid it, but I would probably ask if there was any possibility of staying with someone that I knew too instead.  I think the same would be true for H if the situation was reversed, too.
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  • I think it depends. One of my guys friends is planning to come down to visit me, but hen he wants to come my h might be gone. My H doesn't care. He's hung out with us many times, came to my wedding with his girlfriend. We have been friends for years and have no sexual attraction. If it was a random guy that my h has never met? I would never even think to do it.
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  • Like everyone else, it depends on the person.  The only guy friends that I would ever consider staying with are my best friends that H has spent tons of time with and trusts.  He knows that there is nothing physical between any of us, and they are all in committed relationships now and live with their SO's anyways.  I would never even consider staying in a room with a guy that isn't family or one of those close friends that H knows and is comfortable with. 

    In the same token, H has one good female friend that i know and trust, and she lives with her BF.  If he were near her and needed a place to stay I would be fine with it.  But some random chick I don't know, eff no.  
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  • Oh yeah.  Same bed would be out of the question.  Completely.

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  • Same bed we would be having major problems, spare room or couch, yeah depending on the person it wouldn't bother me. I have a great guy friend that his one of FI's GM and FI really likes him, but I know if I told him, "yeah i had to sleep in his bed with him" FI would not be happy and I couldn't blame him.
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  • It really does depend on the person.  I have a lot of guy friends that were never more than friends, and I would have no problem crashing on their couch if I needed to.  Same for FI.  He's got a lot of friends that are girls, and if he needed a place to stay and slept on their couch or spare room, I might be a little uncomfortable if it was an ex, but I trust him not to do anything inapproriate, so I wouldn't say anything. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:b8e07a0d-9173-4f94-8a1a-b21bc861bddf">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : I'mma be straight with you and say that if Noodle pulled that mess, we wouldn't be together right now.  Especially early on when there's far less emotional attachment and it's easier to walk away.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree - and we DID break up. We broke up twice in the first year.  I always say, I shouldn't have given him a third chance but I am SO glad that I did, things were and are completely different.
  • I wouldn't sleepover at my best male friend's house if my H wasn't there. I don't why I feel like it's inappropriate, but I guess I do. It's not that I wouldn't trust my H, I guess I just find the situation inappropriate. 

    ::off to ponder why I think this is inappropriate::
  • Same bed would be a major issue. When H and I had been together about 3 weeks, I left on a trip to TN with some friends that had been planned for months. Originally I was going to stay in the same room/bed with one of my male friends just because of how the sleeping arrangements worked out. But with H in the picture, it felt too weird so I slept in the reclincer chair instead. If we'd been in the same bed I can guarantee H would have likely reevaluated our budding relationship. Maybe not broken up, but there would have been issues.
  • I should also add that, fittingly, my male friend visited me from NY one of the weekends that H was in Toronto, and stayed with me, although in a spare bedroom.
  • I don't think I'd care, especially in a group situation.

    Sharing a bed would be weird, but I wouldn't necessarily freak out about it. I've shared beds with guy frieds plenty of times without anything weird happening, so I know it's possible. I just can't imagine any situation where someone couldn't just sleep on a couch instead though. 
  • I also think it depends on the person and the sleeping arrangements.

    Sep. room or on the couch, no problem.  Same bed, no way in hell.

    Almost all of my friends from college were guys, even when none of them had gf's, FI never minded, and we practically all lived together in the dorms. I even slept in their rooms a few times when the a/c went out in my room.  They were totally platonic and I was NOT sleeping in their bed.  FI is even friends with them now.  He would not have any issue with me staying with any of them.
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  • LP11509LP11509 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:96ab9722-d4ba-44bf-aaf3-b1b02f365335">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think I'd care, especially in a group situation. Sharing a bed would be weird, but I wouldn't necessarily freak out about it. I've shared beds with guy frieds plenty of times without anything weird happening, so I know it's possible. I just can't imagine any situation where someone couldn't just sleep on a couch instead though. 
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

    <div>This, too.  I used to go over to a male friends apartment in college to sleep if my roommate was keeping me up at night or if I wanted to nap during the day when she was doing stuff in our room.  We slept in the same bed several times and nothing ever happened.  He had a girlfriend, I was single.  His GF knew about it and didn't seem to care at all.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: I do recognize though that just because I'm so relaxed about it, doesn't mean that every other couple should be.  If it makes one (or both) partners in a couple uncomfortable, then they should talk about it and come up with an alternate plan that both are more comfortable with. </div>
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  • Nope, wouldn't bother me. I stay with friends quite frequently without DH, and he camps all the time with people I haven't met, sometimes women. It also occurs to me that it would be tricky if DH had a problem wih me staying at a friend's house of the gender I'm attracted to without him, since I'm bi. No more girls' nights for me!
  • It definitly depends on the situation. WHen FI and I were long distance he used to call me and say he was out with another woman. It was his best friend, who is a lesbian. He's with her all the time. And he has other female friends I wouldn't mind him styaing with. He also has some (gay) male friends I might be uncomfortable about (one who has made no secret of being attracted to FI). Not that I don't trust FI, just that I don't trust the other person.


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  • Depends on the person and the circumstances.  When my FI and I first met, most of my best friends were guys and his were girls.  We grew to trust each other right from the start (heck, four years later, we're still really open about who's hot or not).  Then again, personally, I just don't get jealous unless I have an actual reason to be. 

    If he's travelling, I'd have no problem with it if I knew the girl.  I mean, why spend the money on a hotel if you don't have to and you could catch up with a friend instead?  If I didn't know her or I have legitimate reason to not trust her, then that's another thing.  I would expect that sort of leniency from him while I'm on travel.

    If it's just a random, "Hey I'm hanging out with friends" thing, then it's out of the question if I'm not invited.  We have yet to come across this, though.
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  • I wish you had had a "maybe" option - for me it totally depends on the friend of his because he HAS slept with a LOT of his female friends.

    I would not be comfortable if he was trying to stay the night at one of his friend's houses that he's slept with in the past, however he has other female friends that I am not worried about at all.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:f77beceb-87cf-4e32-8fd5-c8d7d75c8df1">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nope, wouldn't bother me. I stay with friends quite frequently without DH, and he camps all the time with people I haven't met, sometimes women. It also occurs to me that<strong> it would be tricky if DH had a problem wih me staying at a friend's house of the gender I'm attracted to without him, since I'm bi. </strong>No more girls' nights for me!
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    Funny enough, one of the female friends I mentioned is an ex girlfriend of mine, and it doesn't bother FI at all when I stay over with her.  And yet he is somehow threatened by my male best friend who I've known since I was ten, even though nothing has ever happened between us.
  • Um, of course I would sleep over a platonic friend's house.  Of course my husband can sleep over a platonic friend's house.

    If someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat.  All this "but if they spend the night, then something might happen!!!!" is just complete bullshit and unnecessary stress to me.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:577c0e2a-7c2f-4c80-a7ac-d1f95df7dbb3">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]It definitly depends on the situation. WHen FI and I were long distance he used to call me and say he was out with another woman. It was his best friend, who is a lesbian. He's with her all the time. And he has other female friends I wouldn't mind him styaing with. He also has some (gay) male friends I might be uncomfortable about (one who has made no secret of being attracted to FI). Not that I don't trust FI, just that I don't trust the other person.
    Posted by dramaqueen91087[/QUOTE]

    I can see what you're saying, but I don't quite understand how the trusting your FI but not the other person thing goes. Even if the untrustworthy person is parading around stark naked, you can still trust your FI, you know?

    I'm not at all trying to say you're wrong, I'm mostly just wondering if I'm misunderstanding the idea. I know I don't trust some of DH's high school friends, but I still trust him to make good choices around them.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sleepovers-with-the-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f897e628-e4da-4534-ae8e-6f9b61f39d9dPost:d2346313-4fe4-47c0-b02f-dd98c76cf5b3">Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sleepovers with the opposite sex : Funny enough, one of the female friends I mentioned is an ex girlfriend of mine, and it doesn't bother FI at all when I stay over with her.  And yet he is somehow threatened by my male best friend who I've known since I was ten, even though nothing has ever happened between us.
    Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]

    Well, I would think most guys would be more threatened by another penis than a vagina. 
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