How to handle In-Law problem

Future Mrs Glatz

My future In-laws are acting like little children! A while ago my FI's Mother and Father split up. Out of my FI and his 2 sisters, we are the only ones who still talk to everyone. His mother won't talk to sister 1, sister 1 won't talk to sister 2, and none of them are talking to the father.

Well, the FMIL told my FI yesterday that if the father is invited to the wedding, she and her whole family will not be there. The fathers family says that if she is there, they won't be. We are talking about the diference of about 100 people per side of family.  We get along with everyone.

I just feel they are being childish. My family has people they don't want to see for one reason or another, but have all said they could deal with it for a few hours. After all, they don't have to talk to the people they don't want to see!

I offered to keep the mother and father on seperate sides of the room, but that isn't good enough.

How do you handle this? Someone is going to be really hurt over this, besides us. If we just invite them all, then no one will show up! He has a hugh family and they use to be all close. I know some from both sides and get along with them all well.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

janedoe1113a

I would probably call their bluff and tell them if they can't be adults for a day then you don't want them there.

redheadfsu

I second the call the bluff. Seriously, will  they will check not coming on the invite to their own son (even extended family will realize that groom is more important then the silly standoff).

berryholly

Ridiculous. If acting like whiny 5-year olds is more important to his parents than seeing him get married, then that's their problem. They clearly don't care that they are just hurting their son, so I agree that you should call their bluff and tell them you are sorry they can't make it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Agreed with Navy.

My parents are divorced, do not want to sit together, and I've already asked my brother to run interference and try to make sure they don't bump into each other. But obviously, they are both my parents and I love them. They love me and they both deserve to be at my wedding.

Saying that your child's other parent can't be at their wedding? I have no words for how selfish that is.

If either one REALLY wants to miss your FI's wedding because of this, then it reflects very poorly on them.

ExpatPumpkin

What navy said.  Call their bluff.  Be firm.  It absolutely blows my mind that people can be so selfish, immature, and unreasonable.  Sorry you're facing this dilemma

tidetravel

"Mom/Dad, this wedding is important to us and we want our family there.  If you cannot act like an adult for one day, then you will be missed."

*Note - this needs to come from FI, as they are his parents*

FWIW - both my parents and ILs went through nasty divorces.  We were kind of expecting fireworks, but, since they were adults, they were able to tolerate each other for one day.  And even smile while doing it.

beatlesgirl25

Ugh, I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. H's family was the same way, in that his parents were mortal enemies (even though they had divorced when he was a kid). Luckily they didn't carry huge sides of the family with them like your FI's parents do. H's mom had told him growing up that if he ever gets married and has a wedding, that she would not be there if his dad was there. H wanted to elope for this very reason, but we ended up settling on having a wedding, with him making the decision that he would still want to do it if his mom wasn't there. How does your FI feel about this? Is he prepared to have your wedding regardless of who is there or will it be too painful for him? I would check with him first before calling any bluffs.

Luckily for us, H's mom came around and we assured both her and his father that we would keep them as far apart as possible while still being in the same venue for the entire wedding. I had many an eyeroll at having to take on this task for two grown-ass adults, but it was worth it to have them there for H. Also, I found that reassuring them how important they are to the wedding (as well as the separating arrangements) helped them feel like no one was being favored. Both of H's parents had remarried and were apprehensive of the new spouses/parents.

I would really hope that if either of your FI's parents are immature enough to actually sit out their son's wedding, that they would not hold the whole family back with them. Do they really have that much power? Good luck with this, and as long as you support your FI's decisions on this you will be doing the right thing.

Future Mrs Glatz

Wow, it's nice reading my thoughts!

I don't want to be one of THOSE brides. Guess I have no choice. Our wedding isn't until August, I guess alot can happen between now and then, but time has not helped this family!

I can't get FI to talk about it much. I know he's torn though. He's made more plans and put forth more ideas then I have. I'd hate to think of him hurting on our wedding day because of his parents being children. Worse then children actually! My daughter is 12 and she hates the flower girl. She went shopping with us though and you would have thought these girls were best of friends! To bad his family is a state away, they could learn a few things from her!

Future Mrs Glatz

I'm not sure if FI's fathers side would go threw with it, but I know his mom's side would. They are a different kind of family for sure! I went to my first reunion this year. They don't like outsiders. They kind of remind me of a cult with there thinking and beliefs. I have a rather larger family too, but they are all of the US, and I've never met most of them. I just have a hand full local and fewer then that that come and visit.
His family rents halls and parks for birthday and holidays because they ALL go and are ALL expected to be there. They also all live in the same state. I'd guess there are 5 'ring leaders' and his mother is one of them. His one sister is in training! lol...

Here's another question.. How soon should we deal with this? We have a limited budget and to be honest, if 100 people will not there, think of the money saved! (Is that bad?)

squirrly

I vote for calling their bluff as well.  Remind them that they're there to celebrate with you and FI, not the other half of the family, and that you're not willing to be blackmailed.

ring_pop

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8e615be-79be-4a53-bf74-690bf15e1988Post:0121b87c-2809-47f9-97ba-ea98a76e0175">Re: How to handle In-Law problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's another question.. How soon should we deal with this? We have a limited budget and to be honest, if 100 people will not there, think of the money saved! (Is that bad?)
Posted by Future Mrs Glatz[/QUOTE]

Plan your capacity and budget as if they'll all show up. Look for a venue that will give you the flexibility to have either all of them, or none of them (i.e. if you have to guarantee a minimum, make sure it's less than the number you'd have if none of them came). If they all come, then you'll be prepared; if not, then you'll save some money.  I know it's easier said than done because 100 guests makes a huge difference in what venues you can look at... but this is the unfortunate reality of your situation. Sorry you're dealing with this.

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-law-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8e615be-79be-4a53-bf74-690bf15e1988Post:6faf4fc7-a378-4f2a-961e-af6042b061c1">Re: How to handle In-Law problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably call their bluff and tell them if they can't be adults for a day then you don't want them there.
Posted by navybaby1113[/QUOTE]
This.

Tell them you don't want to have to separate them like 7 year olds.

Catwoman708

"We will be very hurt if you don't attend because of your family feud.  But if that is how you feel, it's probably in everyone's best interest if you stay away.  We don't want to look back on what should be the happiest day of our lives and remember embarrassing, childish scenes".