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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who is wrong?

Okay so i was chatting with my sister about general wedding stuff, and i dont remember who first brought up the subject of wedding rings but i said i havent really thought about it yet, im not sure what i want. And she tells me that when she gets married she wants to make them by hand with whoever her FI will be. To which i reply ooh thats a really good idea! She then tells me that im not allowed to do that because its her idea.

We get into an argument, i try to ask her why it matters? What if i had come up with that idea on my own, would she still be pissed off? She tells me i wouldnt have thought of it and she has wanted to do that for years. But how can she know i wouldnt have thought of it, i may have. Would she still be pissed off if she got married first and i then did the same thing after her?

She likened it to her saying she wants to name her child a certain name and then i have a child first and name it that. I dont see it to be anything like that. 

What do you all think? Is she being unreasonable or would you be as annoyed?



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Re: Who is wrong?

  • Yeah, she's being unreasonable.

    If you like the idea, do it.
  • I would be annoyed, only because it's my sister, so I would never expect her to do something like that.  But at the same time, she also mentioned the idea to you, which in a way is kind of like offering it up to you?

    If this idea really appeals to you, maybe you could put your own spin on it....have engravings done rather than rings made.  Or maybe have a jewler design something that represents both of you and turn it into a necklace or bracelet.

     It seems to really bother her, and for the sake of not causing serious drama, I would just leave it alone.

    Anniversary
  • Sounds pretty immature.  If you both have the ability to make wedding rings by hand, more power to you, go for it.  

    And it's different from "stealing" a baby name, because once you named your baby Jane, I assume she would not name her baby Jane.  Here, there's no (rational) reason why she could not make her own rings even if you did first, especially since I imagine part of the idea behind making the rings would be that they're super meaningful to the particular couple.
  • Honestly, I think initially I would be annoyed.  It''s not something i would stew over for any length of time though.    I certainly would not tell someome else they can't use my 'idea'. 







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • EK2013EK2013 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    If you're really set on this, you could always make them yourselves but not make a big deal about it to her (or anyone else). She might just be irrationally worried that if everyone gets really excited about your handmade rings, she's look like a copy cat when she does it. 

    Otherwise, I agree with PPs that there are other was you can personalize your ring style without making your sister feel like you're taking her idea.
  • I think she is overreacting. We always tell people that if they don't want their ideas criticized or "stolen" to not talk about them. So I think that applies here to your sister. If this was an idea she wanted to keep a secret and make sure no one else did, then why'd she tell you, KWIM? The rings will still be different and individual to each couple.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:580ab458-4263-4ac9-8afc-44ec5922f9b7">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wouldn't be terribly mad, but I would be pretty annoyed for a while. She's right that you didn't come up with the idea, you likely wouldn't have, <strong>and apparently it was something unique that she wanted to share exclusively with Mr. Future, and now you took that. </strong>That said, her rings will still mean a lot to her and it's not something to break ties over.
    Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

    If that's how her sister felt, then why publicize the idea? Once it's out there, I feel like it's fair game. She could have kept her mouth shut and not said anything.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:5e256944-4de4-4967-b695-aab72af6ce7b">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who is wrong? : If that's how her sister felt, then why publicize the idea? Once it's out there, I feel like it's fair game. She could have kept her mouth shut and not said anything.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    agreed :)
    Anniversary
  • She made it clear she would be very angry, maybe over time she would be fine with it.

     I dont want to bring it up to her again to try to get her to see shes being kindof unreasonable because i dont want another argument.

    Would it be okay to just do this secretly and tell everyone we bought them at a store? 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:96dfe416-62fb-46e8-b82d-d8b4a53cfe45">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]She made it clear she would be very angry, maybe over time she would be fine with it.  I dont want to bring it up to her again to try to get her to see shes being kindof unreasonable because i dont want another argument. Would it be okay to just do this secretly and tell everyone we bought them at a store? 
    Posted by annieoldfield[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it's fine to do them, because like I said in my PP, I think she's being immature about it.  FWIW, no one asked us where we got our rings.  I wouldn't lie if people do ask you.</div>
  • The wonderful thing about creation is that artistic impression is unique to each individual. Even if you went to the same studio to make the rings, you might use different materials, different forging techniques, different engraving, etc. There's no way that you would end up with the same rings, thus no real idea would have been stolen. The only way I see for her to be upset is if she had a specific design and you 100% copied it. As that's not the case, she's overreacting. Your sister does not own the monopoly on ring-design.

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  • oops sorry no, neither of us are, but there are multiple places that have wedding band workshops, in the uk at least. 
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  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:d32cf34d-0bbb-4dce-a7fb-95bef491a584">Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay so i was chatting with my sister about general wedding stuff, and i dont remember who first brought up the subject of wedding rings but i said i havent really thought about it yet, im not sure what i want. And she tells me that when she gets married she wants to make them by hand with whoever her FI will be. To which i reply ooh thats a really good idea! She then tells me that im not allowed to do that because its her idea. We get into an argument, i try to ask her why it matters? <strong>What if i had come up with that idea on my own, would she still be pissed off? She tells me i wouldnt have thought of it and she has wanted to do that for years. But how can she know i wouldnt have thought of it, i may have.</strong> Would she still be pissed off if she got married first and i then did the same thing after her? She likened it to her saying she wants to name her child a certain name and then i have a child first and name it that. I dont see it to be anything like that.  What do you all think? Is she being unreasonable or would you be as annoyed?
    Posted by annieoldfield[/QUOTE]

    I think you're both being a little ridiculous.  It's a unique idea, so I understand why she wouldn't love the idea of you doing it too, but at the same time, it's not like it would make it any less special.  And your bolded statement?  Really?  I mean...come on.  WOULD you have thought of it?  And it's all hypothetical so it's not really a valid arguing point.

    In the interest of keeping the peace, I'd pass on the idea if I were you.

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  • Tell her to talk to the girl two threads down.   But seriously, I understand getting a little annoyed when people 'steal' special ideas from you.   But not mad.  If it was that big of a deal, then she shouldn't have shared it.   And it's not like it's personal or anything.    I can understand getting upset if she's been saying for years, "I'm going to name my first son after our grandfather" and you had a son first and took the name.  That would be kind of shitty.   But cute wedding details?  No.   Do it if you like the idea.   And if people comment on what a great idea it was, be sure to mention that you got the idea from your sister.  She probably cares more about getting credit for the idea then actually having you make your own rings.
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  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:2a226832-c3f9-43d5-979f-81df20877ee0">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Tell her to talk to the girl two threads down.   But seriously, I understand getting a little annoyed when people 'steal' special ideas from you.   But not mad.  If it was that big of a deal, then she shouldn't have shared it.   <strong>And it's not like it's personal or anything.    I can understand getting upset if she's been saying for years, "I'm going to name my first son after our grandfather" and you had a son first and took the name. </strong> That would be kind of shitty.   But cute wedding details?  No.   Do it if you like the idea.   And if people comment on what a great idea it was, be sure to mention that you got the idea from your sister.  She probably cares more about getting credit for the idea then actually having you make your own rings.
    Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

    Yeah this was my whole thought as well. I don't see stealing a baby's name in the same vein as taking her idea of making rings. I just don't think they're the same. And this is a good lesson to her to not share things if she doesn't want other people to do them. There were some things we did at our wedding (I honestly can't even think of a specific idea right now) that I didn't share because we had friends marrying around the same time as us, and while I wouldn't have been furious or anything, I was hoping to not see those ideas at their weddings too. So I didn't share my ideas. If this ring thing was SUCH a big deal and something she had wanted to do forever and make sure NO ONE else did, why is she telling you? Honestly.


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  • To elaborate a bit on my post because it wasn't clear:  I can see where your sister is coming from, but I do think she's being a bit unreasonable.

    Either way, I'm having a hard time finding the maturity and consideration in a person who would deliberately do something that clearly means so much to another person.  Deliberately disregarding someone's feelings that have been made clear to you is about as crappy as it gets when you're talking family or a close friend, even if the person is being a bit petty.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:fa00c2fd-56b8-4c12-92d1-1cbd99f6eab1">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who is wrong? : But you're in Florida. I'm sorry, but this is a tempest in a teacup. 
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

    I had to google this, and now I feel smarter.

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  • Im from the UK, FI from florida, will be marrying and living in florida. FI will be visiting me again here at least once before we marry and we could do the rings during that time. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:d32cf34d-0bbb-4dce-a7fb-95bef491a584">Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay so i was chatting with my sister about general wedding stuff, and i dont remember who first brought up the subject of wedding rings but<strong> i said i havent really thought about it yet, im not sure what i want. And she tells me that when she gets married she wants to make them by hand with whoever her FI will be. To which i reply ooh thats a really good idea! She then tells me that im not allowed to do that because its her idea.</strong>
    Posted by annieoldfield[/QUOTE]

    Honestly the bolded is what's a hang-up for me. You told her you weren't sure what to do for wedding rings and then she says, "Well here's what I'm doing." To me, that's like a suggestion. To me, that would be like telling my friend, "I have no idea what kind of flowers to use for my wedding," and for her to reply, "Well we're doing fake flowers, but you can't use that idea." (Yes I understand it's not the same as the rings).

    My point is, for her to bring it up when you're asking about ring ideas seems like she's presenting it as a suggestion. Why would you suggest something to somebody and then say, "But you can't do that." It would be different if she out of the blue said, "Hey I got a great idea for wedding rings today" and then you go, "I want to do that too." But if it went down as you described, and I was in your position, to me that would come across as her offering a suggestion and then taking it back and saying, "Sorry, no can do."

    I mean yeah if it will really hurt her feelings, then I probably wouldn't do it, but why would you offer up a suggestion to somebody and then tell them they can't use it?


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:1c850018-29a4-441e-955a-163d638749f9">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]oops sorry no, neither of us are, but there are multiple places that have wedding band workshops, in the uk at least. 
    Posted by annieoldfield[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If this is the case, then I would think making your own bands together would be reasonably common anyway, which makes your sister's possessiveness over the idea make no sense.</div><div>
    </div>
  • Summer, I feel like you're arguing semantics.  They were discussing.  OP's sister was saying "here's my idea."  That does not automatically a suggestion make.

    Yes, the sister is being a turd.  But to go against her clearly stated wishes is also a diiick move.  Do you REALLY want to alienate your sister over RINGS?

    I mean, if you do, then have at it.  But it's 100% not worth it IMO.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • I feel like making a wedding band is not as big of a deal as copying other ideas.  I mean, if you tell someone you made your H's band and they're like "oh, what a great idea" just attribute the credit to your sis.  I think there are other things you could copy or steal that would be a lot worse, IMO.  


  • Yeah she really shouldnt have told me. Maybe she just wasnt thinking, i dont know. 

    I really think we might go ahead and do it but keep it secret. 
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  • I feel like I'm losing my mind.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • If my sister hadnt have cared about me doing the idea and i did it, i would tell everyone it was her idea anyway. 
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  • IDK, I'm a little torn.  On one hand (see what I did there?), she obviously feels possessive of the idea and it might be a good idea to just let it go.   On the other, like PP suggested, if these places are all over the UK, how unique is this idea?  It could be like cowboy boots on the bride at a country wedding for the US.   Something that was initailly unique but is now more common.   And if you make the rings, they'll still be unique anyway.  Unless you stole her design, I'm starting to believe that her idea isn't that big of a deal.  
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:eb81ae83-3e74-4fe9-883f-a4843a76507b">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]IDK, I'm a little torn.  On one hand (see what I did there?), she obviously feels possessive of the idea and it might be a good idea to just let it go.   On the other, like PP suggested, if these places are all over the UK, how unique is this idea?  It could be like cowboy boots on the bride at a country wedding for the US.   Something that was initailly unique but is now more common.   And if you make the rings, they'll still be unique anyway.  Unless you stole her design, I'm starting to believe that her idea isn't that big of a deal.  
    Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

    Maybe I'm just super extra considerate, but I don't think any of those things matter if it's really going to upset her sister so much.  It's just not worth it to me. 

    If my best friend (I don't have a sister) told me she was going to wear cowboy boots to her wedding, and I said it was a good idea and she got possessive of it, I wouldn't do it.  It's just not that big of a deal to me.  My relationship with my friend means more to me.

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    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9a484e6-31d4-471d-a675-ee50e7874018Post:9baf5997-4354-4074-acb1-d684b4991bb4">Re: Who is wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like I'm losing my mind.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I understand what you are saying.  I'm just not sure I'd be <em>quite </em>as willing to bend as you.   I think it would depend on my sister's long-term feelings about it.  She may cool off and realize she's being silly.   Or she might not.   Depending on how much time OP has, I'd give the arguement some time to calm down, and re-visit it in a month or so. 
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  • But you WOULDN'T be bending.  It's not like it was YOUR idea and you told sister and she said "Oh, I was going to do that, you can't!"

    She probably would have gone to the jeweler and bought already made rings or had a jeweler custom design them if her sister had never said anything.

    I'm clearly in the minority, but seriously think about if it's worth alienating your sister over your wedding rings. 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
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