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Possible Wedding Crasher Help!

Hi, 
This is my first wedding post and it's because I'm freaking out a little bit.  My fiance and I were very selective in what friends we invited to our wedding and we intentionally left out one of his old roommates.  We haven't talked to the guy in about two years, but now he's found out about the wedding and really wants to come (all heard through friends of ours, he has not talked to us directly about this).  We intentionally did not invite him because he's well a jerk and a drunk to put it nicely.  My MOH told me he asked her to take him as a date and she politely declined, but I'm afraid he's asking our other friends to take him as a "date".  Should I send an email to our other friends telling them not to take him as a date...or should we trust them that they will know better and realize we didn't invite him for a reason?  Thanks! 


Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!

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    You really can't control who your guests bring as dates. Hopefully they choose not to bring him (I wouldn't bring someone as a date who was just going around asking people), but unless he's done something truly horrible you can't dictate the +1s.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_possible-wedding-crasher?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9cbe628-977b-44eb-a29d-253b48e44647Post:4727c8a8-d272-4f99-b7f4-4b87715e28d8">Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You really can't control who your guests bring as dates. Hopefully they choose not to bring him (I wouldn't bring someone as a date who was just going around asking people), but unless he's done something truly horrible you can't dictate the +1s.
    Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.

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    They can bring them if they want to, but hopefully they won't. You can't tell people not to if they are invited with +1s, though. Oh, and you should know if he's coming because someone will RSVP with him as their date.

    If you're really worried about it and you find out he's coming, hire a security guard.
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    He would only be a crasher if he was not able to find someone to take him as a guest...

    As much as it may bother you, you cannot control or dictate whom your guest bring as an escort.  To send out an email "alerting them of the situation" is not a wise one, as it just airs your dirty laundry.  As much as you don't like him, nor want him at your wedding, putting this all in an email just comes off as abrasive and controlling.

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    I disagree with the previous posts. You intentionally didn't invite this guy because you don't want him there, not just because you had to make a cut-off somewhere. But I could totally see one of your friends thinking, "Oh great. I'll do jt and her fH a favor and bring this guy who they couldn't fit onto the list -- I'm sure they'll be thrilled."

    I'd have no problem sending an email to friends who knew him, saying pretty bluntly, "Hey guys, I hear jerkexroommate is trolling for an invite to the wedding. He's already asked MOH to take him and she declined. We'd really rather not have him at our wedding so if he asks you, could you tell him you've already got other plans? Thanks!"

    While I agree you can't control who people bring as dates in most circumstances, there's no reason in the world to end up with this guy at your wedding if you don't like him and he's not the significant other of any of your guests.
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    You can't tell people who qualifies as a date and who doesn't.  If you wrote "and guest" on their invite, he's a legitimate choice.

    However, if you're concerned about his behavior, if he ends up being somebody's date OR if you're concerned he might just show up anyway, get a security guard.  Your venue should have some names of people they've worked with in the past, and it's not that expensive.  They normally just wear a suit or something and "blend in" so as to not concern your guests, and they only take action if necessary. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_possible-wedding-crasher?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9cbe628-977b-44eb-a29d-253b48e44647Post:4727c8a8-d272-4f99-b7f4-4b87715e28d8">Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You really can't control who your guests bring as dates. Hopefully they choose not to bring him (I wouldn't bring someone as a date who was just going around asking people), but unless he's done something truly horrible you can't dictate the +1s.
    Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

    Unless it's your Dad, and in that case you will get yelled at for not dictating that. Grumble Grumble.


    OP- Just punch him in the anus. Or  grundle. Both are deterrents.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_possible-wedding-crasher?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9cbe628-977b-44eb-a29d-253b48e44647Post:868af23b-b9f1-4515-9ff3-721d89bd5b83">Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help! : Unless it's your Dad, and in that case you will get yelled at for not dictating that. Grumble Grumble. OP- Just punch him in the anus. Or  grundle. Both are deterrents.
    Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

    Oops, I forgot to throw in a disclaimer there for hetshup's situation <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-foot-in-mouth.gif" border="0" alt="Foot in mouth" title="Foot in mouth" />

    Disclaimer: Don't dictate unless the invitee will be offended that you didn't dictate.
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    I'm guessing you really don't want to have contact with this guy, but since he hasn't told you directly that he intends to find an "invite loop-hole" can you or FI give him a call and simply let him know that his presence is not wanted?
    I wouldn't be mean about it, but rather than going to all your single friends, why not cut it off at the source?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_possible-wedding-crasher?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9cbe628-977b-44eb-a29d-253b48e44647Post:57eeb825-a022-42b0-9785-e06a35ba37d7">Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree with the previous posts. You intentionally didn't invite this guy because you don't want him there, not just because you had to make a cut-off somewhere. But I could totally see one of your friends thinking, "Oh great. I'll do jt and her fH a favor and bring this guy who they couldn't fit onto the list -- I'm sure they'll be thrilled." I'd have no problem sending an email to friends who knew him, saying pretty bluntly, "Hey guys, I hear jerkexroommate is trolling for an invite to the wedding. He's already asked MOH to take him and she declined. We'd really rather not have him at our wedding so if he asks you, could you tell him you've already got other plans? Thanks!" While I agree you can't control who people bring as dates in most circumstances, there's no reason in the world to end up with this guy at your wedding if you don't like him and he's not the significant other of any of your guests.
    Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.  If these other people are your friends, hopefully they would understand that you don't want this dude at your wedding.  It's not like you're asking them not to bring a SO or something. 
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    Maybe you can't dictate who someone brings as a guest, but I think it is perfectly fine for you to ask your friends for a favor. I'm sure that the people you have invited want the best for you and would be more than happy to comply.
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    This is a tough call because you truly can't dictate who your guests bring as their +1's. I agree with one of the PP's to call him yourself if you are so concerned. If this makes you uncomfortable/you are not confrontational enough you could start talking to your friends in a 'geez, how lame I heard whatshisface is trolling for an invite to our wedding! That's so strange since we haven't spoken to him in years and if we wanted him to come we would have invited him'. There is no guarantee someone still won't bring him but at least you casually got the word out.
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    i think that you have every right to say who can and who cant come to your wedding. After all its YOUR WEDDING and your spenind your time and dedication and money on making this your special day so you have every right to make sure that it goes as you planned. I have a very similar situation as yours and you better believe that no one is allowed to bring this person as a guest or they will not be allowed inside.
    best of luck to you .
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    Meh, my first instinct is that you can't dictate your friends' +1's, but that friendly message to your friends sounds fine.

    Honestly, you probably won't notice him if he's there.  Tell the bartender to make his drinks super weak and not be afraid to cut him off.

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    Just a note to future guest list writers; this problem is eliminated when you don't do "plus 1's". Not only is that not necessary, if someone is in a relationship, it's only proper and considerate to learn the s/o's name, and send a seperate invitation if they don't live together, or address to both in the couple if living together.

    gl with your situation!
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     THis is a Great answer coming from the MOM who was cut out of the Guest List of her SOn's wedding . When i crashed my son's beach wedding,  If noone had stared at me..with Snake Eyes...i would have just sat there with my Mother who was waiting for me....If I had not been physically thrown out by the arm...i wouldnt have let out a yell for HELP !   The bet thing is to let one person slide... if he makes any problem , than someone will escourte him out.
      Do it with Class   , how you handle it will show just how you handle other people in your life.....so set a good example.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_possible-wedding-crasher?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f9cbe628-977b-44eb-a29d-253b48e44647Post:66a9734b-bef9-4775-9227-a47ab38f3ee1">Re: Possible Wedding Crasher Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just a note to future guest list writers; this problem is eliminated when you don't do "plus 1's". Not only is that not necessary, if someone is in a relationship, it's only proper and considerate to learn the s/o's name, and send a seperate invitation if they don't live together, or address to both in the couple if living together. gl with your situation!
    Posted by mizjodi[/QUOTE]
    I'd have to disagree with this, even if you don't do plus ones, people will still crash or try to find an invite. Also, plus ones are a curtsy to single friends, not unnecessary.<div>
    </div><div>Op, you can't dictate who your friends Plus 1's are. Even if you hate the guy, chances are you will see him long enough to say hello, good to see you, and goodbye. </div>
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