plus one girlfriend

cottermanml

My fiance has an aunt and two cousins. The aunt came to my fiance and asked him if his cousin could invite his girlfriend, whom we don't even really like and we are not close to. He didnt tell her yes or no, but in true guy style told her that he would ask me. We decided not to invite her and when I sent out the invitations I put everyones name and not hers so it was clear she was not invited. Now I get my rsvp back and the aunt added her name to the rsvp.

What should I do? 

Sometimes I wonder what goes through peoples heads that makes them invite not wanted people and then put their name on a rsvp that was not even addressed to them.  

DelBride2012

How old is the cousin? Are we talking like, a high school couple?

redheadfsu

You were rude not to invite her. So of course you let her come. (Edit: Sorry I assumed they were adults or close to it. My answer will change if they are like 15).

bunni727

Let her come. They were probably assuming the best of you (that you had forgotten), rather than think that you would be so rude as to split up a couple.

kimiandgary

Age is going to make a big difference on to whether or not you can request they not come.

cottermanml

high school age. not serious relationship. If he was coming alone I would let her. I don't know if I should just give in and let it alone

Loopyseven

Did she only add the cousin, or the cousin and her BF?  And I agree - how old is the cousin?

DelBride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:4df1c880-9230-4549-a36c-04d484a2dba0">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Age is going to make a big difference on to whether or not you can request they not come.
Posted by kimiandgary[/QUOTE]
Disagree. A minor child cannot form a "social unit" IMO. <div>
</div><div>Though I think handling it passive aggressively was the wrong call. It lead to exactly this. </div>

BunnyBerries

Well hon, it's your wedding and if her presence is really going to affect you that badly then say "We have limited seating so I'm saving these seats for family and close friends. Give -name here- my apologies but I want to make sure the guests I invited will have a seat.

However if her being there isn't really going to affect your big day then I say just let her come. Chances are you won't even notice her because of all the other guests and excitement.

MyUserName1

Yeah, i would call and say to aunt "I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, we cannot accommodate little Jimmy's girlfriend"  

It is not rude to exclude the girlfriend of a high school student.

...and I don't think that addressing an invitation to the parties who are invited is passive agressive at all. 

bunni727

SInce the cousin is still in high school, I change my answer. GF doesn't need to be invited, but I probably would invite her anyway.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:a739b780-a7fd-44f2-b375-4e145c2407fe">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]high school age. not serious relationship. If he was coming alone I would let her. I don't know if I should just give in and let it alone
Posted by cottermanml[/QUOTE]

high school age? That could be 18. If it is 18 you need to invite her. Otherwise you don't have to, but it would nice. If you choose to not let her come, call your aunt and tell her that there was some confusion and that the invite was only for her and the cousins.

DelBride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:c865a2fd-e31f-442b-9e0d-acf7fb069ea0">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, i would call and say to aunt "I'm so sorry for the misunderstanding, we cannot accommodate little Jimmy's girlfriend"   It is not rude to exclude the girlfriend of a high school student. ...<strong>and I don't think that addressing an invitation to the parties who are invited is passive agressive at all. </strong>
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]
I only think so because the groom was asked directly, said he would get back to them, then never did (directly). 

cottermanml

yeah I am a little upset with the fiance too for not addressing it personally. I thought he did and just found out he didnt. So that changes the whole story.

DelBride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:0385e4d1-cedb-4a70-8f93-81df30b55b86">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah I am a little upset with the fiance too for not addressing it personally. I thought he did and just found out he didnt. So that changes the whole story.
Posted by cottermanml[/QUOTE]
My FH would have done the same thing.

pokepoke27

I also think that you should probably just let her come. I was with my FI in high school and was very pleased when my cousin allowed me to bring him as a plus one. It was probably rude of me to ask, but she seemed happy to have him there. 

SparrowSong

Under 18 guests do not need a date, particularly if they are being invited with their family. That is a privilege that comes with adulthood. 

Call aunt and tell her sorry, you do not have room to invite dates for children. Only say it in a nice way. 

TheBaney

Etiquette actually says that only couples who are married, engaged, living together or have been together long term have to be invited together.

It would be nice, but it's unnecessary.

misssunshine17

I was with FI in high school and I wasn't invited to the three weddings that happened then. I was pissy about it then, but looking back, I was being unreasonable to think I'd be invited. 15 year me wasn't as logical. However, if you can swing it, I think it's a nice gesture. 

DelBride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:476436f5-c359-4649-a320-cee351316296">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: plus one girlfriend : Ummm, false.<strong> Etiquette says that anyone (over the age of 18) who considers themselves in a relationship needs to be invited with their SO.</strong> I knew I remembered your name somehow, you like to give improper etiquette advice.  
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
That's actually not the case, according to Miss Manners and Peggy Post. I've yet to see a single authority other than this board that agrees with the permutation of the "plus one" rule as stated above. 

DelBride2012

It has been argued to death, and people keep saying it's a "rule" when it's just the consensus on this board and not echoed as stated here by any etiquette authority. It might be nice. It might help avoid hurt feelings. It might stop people from feeling invitation status is a diss on their relationship (though it shouldn't, any more than not having children in a wedding is a statement about the maturity and behavior of an individual child). 

TheBaney

I was only going by what Peggy Post, a director of the Emily Post Institute, says. She's generally regarded as a foremost expert on etiquette.

Since I'm curious, what other bad advice have I given?

TheBaney

Haha. Right. See, what really confuses me about this forum is that on certain subjects, people say that etiquette is a consistent set of standards, and yet on other subjects, it is completely wrong to go with the standard of etiquette.

Things like dollar dances (which I'm using as a hypothetical, I'm not having one) even though they are considered to be fine in some subcultures of America, are against the larger umbrella of etiquette, and therefore not okay on The Knot forums. But something like what etiquette mandates vis a vis plus ones is perfectly open for (one) interpretation, and not left in the hands of the actual experts.

But maybe I just don't get it because I'm a newb.

JordynLeighx3

I have to disagree. I was with FI for 4 years by the time I reached the age that's "acceptable" enough to bring him as a date. I would feel hurt if someone invited just him/just me without the option of bringing each other. IMHO it really depends on the couple if they are high school/under 18 to be taken into consideration. But then again, who are we to judge?

TheBaney

If you were with your FI for 4 years, that'd be considered to be "long term." Which would be "acceptable" enough for the Emily Post Institute.

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:5c25933a-6c10-43ed-9c6f-97d8cbd2fa5a">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]If you were with your FI for 4 years, that'd be considered to be "long term." Which would be "acceptable" enough for the Emily Post Institute.
Posted by TheBaney[/QUOTE]

<div>How do you define "lone term"? Who gets to decide that? It's offensive.</div>

Lambbop

I understand why it's tempting to use age as a factor in deciding who gets a plus one. Case in point: We invited FI's Aunt and Uncle with young high school cousin to bring her boyfriend. They broke up before the invites even went out. So we took him off their invite and sent it. By the time they got it in the mail a week or so later FI's Aunt called to say young cousin and boyfriend were back together. Young relationships do fluctuate.

On the other hand one of my cousins told us he and his wife were getting a divorce after their invitation arrived and his now ex wife would not be coming. You never know what will happen with any relationship. I say it's best to let people who love or "like like" ;-) eachother be together. I would have loved getting dressed up to go to a wedding with my highschool boyfriend.

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:45ff3557-0a3b-499a-b868-a8feae484b2a">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure, but<strong> if you think it is okay and nice and caring to split up a social unit on a day all about love and couples</strong>, then you've probably given other bad advice. I remember you name, you gave bad advice, ergo I must have remembered your name because you have previously given bad advice.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

It's not about whether it's 'nice and caring'. Etiquette doesn't make people nice and caring, and following etiquette doesn't ensure that people act in 'nice and caring' ways. It wouldn't be 'nice and caring' to refuse to invite your sister to your wedding because she got engaged before you, but it's technically not an etiquette violation. It's selfish, and petty, and horrible - but it's not an *etiquette* vioation.

The etiquette rule about social units has technically been limited to couples that are married, engaged, or living together (an addition that was only added to the 'rule' over the last few decades), according to Miss Manners. I believe that Peggy Post expands it to 'other relationships of significant duration'. That's the rule for the minimum required invitation line. There's nothing that says you can't extend it further.

I agree that it's nice and caring to invite anyone who claims relationship status. And I think that not doing so can be hurtful, and ruin friendships. But it's not technically required by the rules of etiquette.

TheBaney

4 years would obviously count as long term. That's kind of a no brainer. If a couple came to you and said they were getting engaged or moving in together and you don't think "Hmm, isn't that a little early?" then they've been together long term.

And why is it that people seem to equate inviting a SO to a wedding to passing judgement on the relationship?

If my FI or I got an invitation without the other, we'd shrug it off and attend. It's one night. And either we would know other people at the wedding (and not need the other person) or only one of us would, in which case, why would the uninvited person want to go in the first place?

In any debate, you have to first have clear definitions of the terms being discussed. Etiquette (on the etiquette board, at any rate) should be the standards set forth by things like the Emily Post Institute and Miss Manners. It shouldn't be "Well, go with Post and Miss Manners when we feel it's appropriate, and listen to us when we don't."

Etiquette is etiquette, right?

SilverLining1

People aon this board are just trying to help you not make an ass of yourself by hurtng the feelings of your guests. If you want to search for loopholes, have at it. That doesn't mean you don't look like an ass. 

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa65d893-8e14-41a0-92d7-45773afae511Post:76dab6f3-4729-47e9-b95d-abf6916722db">Re: plus one girlfriend</a>:
[QUOTE]4 years would obviously count as long term. That's kind of a no brainer.<strong> If a couple came to you and said they were getting engaged or moving in together and you don't think "Hmm, isn't that a little early?" then they've been together long term.</strong> And why is it that people seem to equate inviting a SO to a wedding to passing judgement on the relationship? If my FI or I got an invitation without the other, we'd shrug it off and attend. It's one night. And either we would know other people at the wedding (and not need the other person) or only one of us would, in which case, why would the uninvited person want to go in the first place? In any debate, you have to first have clear definitions of the terms being discussed. Etiquette (on the etiquette board, at any rate) should be the standards set forth by things like the Emily Post Institute and Miss Manners. It shouldn't be "Well, go with Post and Miss Manners when we feel it's appropriate, and listen to us when we don't." Etiquette is etiquette, right?
Posted by TheBaney[/QUOTE]

This is incredibly judgemental.  Why is it <strong>your </strong>call how soon they move in together or get engaged?  I was engaged at 6 months, is that too soon in your <em>ever</em> so important opinion?  Yes, I'm laying the sarcasm on very thick if you can't figure that one out. 

What about those who are serious that never choose to live together before marriage.  Are you going to ignore their beliefs all in the name of numbers?  That's super judgemental.