Input on Careers

amalama

How much input do you think you should have on your FI/DH/BF's career? Or a guess more accurate to my situation right now, how much advice do you give him?

Backstory: My BF has a tendency to do anything and everything that anyone asks him to do. It leads to him getting walked all over, which is definitely not the best for him career wise. When he tells me about these sorts of things, it frustrates me, but it's hard for me to decide how much to say.

nda_roxybabe

Hmm, I'd voice my opinion in that case. I would never say something like "you must quit your job" or "I need you to join the military"

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

There's a huge difference between "Gee, honey, I think you should be a doctor. They seem to make a lot of money." and trying to encourage him to find what he wants to do and has a passion for, then helping him pursue that. 

MeaghanandMichael

I struggled with this for a bit when H first started working for the state of CT. He is a civil engineer for them on a job site and puts in a lot of long hours. It realllly bothered me that he worked his asss off, was smarter and more professional than most people there, and got nothing merit based out of it. Obviously, in any union system this is going to happen, but it took me a long time to shut my mouth up when I heard some dude with no degree who barely shows up to work got a promotion just because he had been there for 15 years. Mike had to 'take orders' from him even though Mike is the one actually running this job since the guy has no idea what he is doing.

The whole system frustrates me to no end. However, now that he has been there for three years I see him working jobs he has no 'credentials' to be doing because every one knows he can do the work. He gets first choice of a lot of jobs and it the golden boy of the department. I just can't wait until the economy gets better and we can take his glowing recs and pension money (before he is vested) and have him work at a job where he will be rewarded for shining.

amalama

It's not really things like that mery. It's basically one guy at work always asking him for favors, which he always does, even though it in no way benefits him, and adds more time to his already 60+ hour work week. But if I tell him how much it bothers me, then I feel like he wouldn't do it just to keep me happy. And I don't want him to just be a pushover to me either, I just want him to stand up for himself.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Ah, okay. I thought it was like his cousin saying, "Dude, you really need to get involved in this field," and then his mom saying, "So-and-so is trying to fill a position you'd be great at!" 

That's hard. I mean, does it make him unhappy that this guy keeps asking for favors? Or is it something he brings up in conversation and feels neutral about?

amalama

Well I know that it frustrates him and he doesn't like the guy. But I think he just doesn't want anyone to not like him at his job. The guy is technically above him, but not his boss. Their GM has told my BF that if they disagree when the GM is not there, then to do what he wants and the GM will back my BF, because other guy doesn't really know what he is doing. So to me, there is no benefit to helping this guy out, and it makes him more tired and more likely to screw up at his own work, which makes him look bad. And, the other guy will take the credit for the work BF does, so it makes him look good.

So while it's not a huge deal, IMO it would be better for him to just say no in just about everyway, but at the same time, it's his job, and he's the one that has to deal with the guy being a jerk every day, so I don't really want to push him into anything he doesn't want to do, but I am tired of his job sucking even more than usual, and him being gone all this extra time, when it is doing nothing for him in the long run.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would suggest if he doesn't want to deal with this guy, he push him off by saying, "You know Bob, that seems like a great idea, but I'm just too swamped to take on another project." Worst case scenario, he talks to HR about it, and possible HR can talk to the coworker or the coworker's direct supervisor.

I'm all about giving my opinion (like THAT'S a big surprise), but what he does with it is up to him, you know? It's not like you'll march into his office and deal with it. I'd just give him some ideas. I think if he's telling you about it, he's looking for opinions.

squirrly

It depends.  FI is in the army, and his plan when we first started dating was to get out.  He's in a (virtually) non-deployable position, which is nice (yes, he's deployed previously).  When he got a wild hair that he wanted to deploy again "one last time" before getting out and was considering seeking a deployment, I had no issue telling him that wasn't a good idea and would make me very unhappy.  I also told him I wouldn't leave because of that, and that if he had to do it, I'd figure it out, but that he needed to address the situation maturely, not just on a whim.  He isn't deploying again, and I don't feel a bit guilty about that. 

He's looking for a specific job after getting out that wouldn't be my first choice (state trooper), but it makes him happy so I'll deal.

I think it comes down to whether your opinion/advice pertains to something that has the potential to affect your life too.  If that's because he's miserable or would be given a particular outcome, and that negatively affects you - you have the right ot say something.

If it's because you can't get all the household chores done/are home alone & never see him/etc. due to his overtime, you have a right to mention that. 

If it's because he's doing something you don't see the point in, but it has no affect on you other than listening to him talk about it, you don't have the right to interject your opinion UNLESS he asks for it.  If he does that, you should be truthful, keeping HIS best interest at heart.

amalama

Squirrly I think you are kind of at the root of the problem. I feel like me complaining about it is almost selfish, because part of the reason I don't like it is because it affects the amount of time he has at home (which is so little anyway). If it was better for him in the long run, I think I would be okay with that, but I just don't think it is.

But I am worried if I say anything, he will be worried about how I feel about every minute he spends at work, and will overcompensate for that. Or just be more stressed than he already is all the time.

Thanks for the advice ladies, I think I will talk to him, just be extra careful not to seem upset or pushy. I know he just wants to keep everyone happy, and I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between his job or me.