Kids at the wedding

KristinF76

We would rather not have kids at our wedding, but we would rather that people bring their kids then not come at all.  Is there a good way to word that?  Should we include it on the Save The Date? Invitation? Both?

redheadfsu

Nope.

You have to decide whether to invite the kids or not. And if you only invite some kids, we usually recommend it be in circles (as in just family's kids or some other clear cut line that you can explain). Just address the invite to whomever is invited. You don't mention anything on invites about who is not invited.

toothpastechica

You have to pick and assume that people might not come if they cant bring thier kids (or find babysitters or whatever)....if you really want everyone with kids there, invite thier kids, i wouldnt  invite some and not invite others just bcause some people make a bigger deal about it...the people who read no kids and dont bring kids are not going to be happy when they see that other random people did get to bring thier kids.

StephBeanWed61502

If you had searched this board at all or read the FAQ posted at the top, you'd know that's it's absolutely 100% inappropriate to indicate "no kids" (or any version of that) anywhere on an invitation or save-the-date.  With that said, you don't have to invite children if you don't want them there, but you have to come up with a set rule that can be applied fairly across the board to all of your guests, so you aren't just randomly letting some children attend but not others. 

Good types of kid-based rules:  "No one under 18" or "Nieces and nephews of the bride and groom only" or "Children in the bridal party (flowergirl and ringbearer) only" or "Children of the bridal party members only."  (Note that most people will have an exception for nursing infants, even if they're not otherwise inviting children at all, because it's really difficult, logistically, for an actively-nursing mom to be away from her child for a significant length of time).

Bad types of kid-based rules:  "Only the children that I personally like." or "Only the kids of people who complain to me about their kids not being invited."

The way you indicate that children are not invited is by addressing the invitation only to the people invited.  For example, let's say you have friends, John and Suzy Smith.  The Smiths have three kids - Lizzy, Mikey, and Scotty.  You would address the invitation to "Mrs. Suzy Smith and Mr. John Smith."  John and Suzy should take the hint that they are the only ones invited.  If they don't, and they try to RSVP for Lizzy, Mikey, and Scotty, you would call them back and say "Sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for John and Suzy, not Lizzy, Mikey, and Scotty.  We hope you can still make it!"  You could also do customized RSVPs where you indicate the specific number of guests by having a line saying "___ of 2 guests attending," or you could have separate RSVP lines for each guest:
"John Smith ___ will ___ will not attend.
Suzy Smith ___ will ___ will not attend."
There's no other etiquette-appropriate way to indicate kids are not invited.

specialk84

I really don't like the idea that one has to invite all the kids within a circle, especially if you have no relationship with the kid. Kids are just little people, not super special guests. Don't split up siblings, and you'll be fine.

To answer your question, OP, you need to choose one or the other. Telling someone not to bring their kid, only to have that person find a whole bunch of other people who brought their kids anyway is going to cause a headache.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-wedding-11?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbe27810-fc4b-44fa-adde-a0fcd5966cc3Post:3947bfae-a19a-4e6c-b577-ed4f2d0911ba">Re: Kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I really don't like the idea that one has to invite all the kids within a circle, especially if you have no relationship with the kid. </strong>Kids are just little people, not super special guests. Don't split up siblings, and you'll be fine. To answer your question, OP, you need to choose one or the other. Telling someone not to bring their kid, only to have that person find a whole bunch of other people who brought their kids anyway is going to cause a headache.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

I think inviting in circles is advocated for all people, not just kids - like, if you're inviting some first cousins, you should invite all of your first cousins, even if you happen to like some better than others.  Ditto for aunts and uncles, second cousins, etc.

Simply Fated

Kids are just little people and that's why they should be invited with the rest of the circle. They aren't able to take the initiative to reach out to you and get to know you. Not knowing them is a piss poor excuse. They're just kids, but you're the adult, get to know them.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-wedding-11?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbe27810-fc4b-44fa-adde-a0fcd5966cc3Post:7ded2c3c-ffac-4f97-a417-e0a0721ac162">Re: Kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids at the wedding : I just wanted to say, I don't say the thing about inviting in circles because it's "the party line," I say it because to me, doing anything else seems rude.  I guess part of it is because FI and I are both from small enough families that we're able to invite everyone up to a certain level (in our case, all immediate family, aunts, uncles, and first cousins) without it putting a strain on our budget.  I can't help but feel like doing anything else smacks of playing favorites, which never sits right with me when family is involved.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>I think inviting in circles, with no regard to the relationship, can also be rude. If my first cousin, whom I have met one time, invited me to his wedding, I would think it was a gift grab. </div><div>
</div><div>I think it's different if you're talking about inviting five out of six of your cousins, but you don't want to invite the sixth because he's weird. That's mean. </div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-wedding-11?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbe27810-fc4b-44fa-adde-a0fcd5966cc3Post:5ff85ab3-d185-4d2c-9ded-962d11b8ac83">Re: Kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids at the wedding : I think inviting in circles, with no regard to the relationship, can also be rude. If my first cousin, whom I have met one time, invited me to his wedding, I would think it was a gift grab.  I think it's different if you're talking about inviting five out of six of your cousins, but you don't want to invite the sixth because he's weird. That's mean. 
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

Like I said, I'm viewing this through the lens of my and my FI's families - we both grew up knowing our first cousins, and seeing them at least once a year for holidays and whatnot, so excluding the ones we don't like (and trust me, there are ones we don't like) would be rude, mean, and would start a problem.  If your family is so enormous or spread out that you've literally never met a first cousin, then I understand not inviting them.  Even then though, I'd draw a circle around "first cousins we know" and try not to exclude anyone in that particular group.

coopsbaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-wedding-11?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbe27810-fc4b-44fa-adde-a0fcd5966cc3Post:5c51d25d-1b6d-431a-8f02-c1c6b64528f1">Re: Kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kids at the wedding : Like I said, I'm viewing this through the lens of my and my FI's families - we both grew up knowing our first cousins, and seeing them at least once a year for holidays and whatnot, so excluding the ones we don't like (and trust me, there are ones we don't like) would be rude, mean, and would start a problem.  <strong>If your family is so enormous or spread out that you've literally never met a first cousin, then I understand not inviting them.  Even then though, I'd draw a circle around "first cousins we know" and try not to exclude anyone in that particular group.
</strong>Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This makes perfect sense to me. I do have an enormous family on both sides, and not only do I have first cousiins I haven't met, I couldn't even give you an exact number for my dad's side (he couldn't either), nor could I name them (he couldn't either). We don't ever see eachother, there are no family gatherings (all grandparents have been dead for years). I'm inviting exactly 3 of them, the ones I grew up with and would know who I was. The others I wouldn't know if I ran into them on the street, so it would be weird to invite. I also have some uncles that I've never met (they have no relationship with my dad) so they're off the list too. But everyone on my mom's side is invited, whether I like them or not. Because we all know  each other and it would be a slight. Even though there are dozens and they all have a bazillion kids!

kmmssg

I do not buy off on inviting any "circles."  You don't have to invite all neighbors, coworkers, first cousins, or church family.  The same goes for kids.  You DO have to have the backbone to stand by your decisions though.

When parents get in a huff because little Precious wasn't invited they are the ones being rude, not you.  The idea that you have to invite all or none caters to an entitlement attitude of the parents.  I have the backbone to deal with that.

I will not take up room on my girls' guest lists with kids we have never even laid eyes on.  We invite based on relationship and we usually have to cut the list because our family is huge.  I'm not going to advocate inviting (their) coworkers kids who they've never met when friends and relations they would like to have their are being cut.  It is not rude to not include people you have never met or have no relationship with.

I know families have different dynamics and I can tell you that DH's 2 sisters did not attend his oldest DD's wedding because their kids weren't invited.  We were gracious about it  - but I think they were ticked.  That's ok.  That DD has 42 aunts and uncles and she wanted a no kid wedding.  If we would have invited every first cousin her DH wouldn't have been able to invite anyone because there would not have been any room left in the venue.  She invited the small handful of first cousins she has a relationship with.  Ruffled a couple of feathers but we knew that might happen.  We didn't do anything wrong.

OP - yes, it flies best and ruffles the least feathers if you invite "in circles."   You have to make the value judgement of what is best for you.  In your case you either invite the kids or you don't but you can't tell people they can bring the kids if that is the only way they can make it.

I can tell you that the family all gets along fine and we haven't been banished to hell for not inviting all the first cousins or the kids.

StephBeanWed61502

kmmssg, you've missed the point of "inviting in circles" entirely.  NO ONE is saying that if you invite one kid, you have to invite every kid of every guest on your list.  What "inviting in circles" means is that, if you're inviting your brother's kids, it's best to also invite your sister's kids (unless there's something very distinctive that sets them apart, like your brother's kids are all teenagers and your sister's kids are all babies).  And, like I already said, it's perfectly fine to draw lines that make sense for your family - if you have 42 first cousins, it's fair to say "we're only inviting the 12 cousins we actually see more than once a year," and that doesn't strike me as rude or problematic.  "Inviting in circles" really just boils down to not being arbitrary or intentionally mean when making your guest list.