Invite or to not invite last minute guests, that is the question.

chanelnjustin

Our wedding is coming up at the end of the month, September 29th and our RSVPs were due yesterday. Luckily today I got the final count on guests  and quite a few people aren't able to attend. Because of the small venue we were only allowed to invite so many people so we had to narrow down our list a bit. Now that so many people aren't able to make it, is it rude to invite people now, that weren't originally on the list but that we would like to come and who have mentioned not being invited? If it is okay to do this how would you go about it without coming off as if they were an after thought. 

Thank you for your advice in advance!

crash2729

I would not do this. 

It makes it look like you had a "B list" which could actually offend your guests more. 

They were rude by mentioning not being invited.

zizibet

This is called B-listing, and to do it is rude. Sorry about this.

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-or-to-not-invite-last-minute-guests-that-is-the-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fce550ca-5194-42bf-97fd-22785c12472dPost:4937c63c-f575-4f6f-a70e-5ed00c97c279">Invite or to not invite last minute guests, that is the question.</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is coming up at the end of the month, September 29th and our RSVPs were due yesterday. Luckily today I got the final count on guests  and quite a few people aren't able to attend. Because of the small venue we were only allowed to invite so many people so we had to narrow down our list a bit. Now that so many people aren't able to make it, is it rude to invite people now, that weren't originally on the list but that we would like to come and who have mentioned not being invited? If it is okay to do this how would you go about it without coming off as if they were an after thought.  Thank you for your advice in advance!
Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this.  It's incredibly rude.  If I received an invitation 3 weeks before a wedding I'd know I was B listed and would be mad.  I would probably RSVP yes but not show up.

chanelnjustin

Thank you for all of your messages. I completely understand where you all are coming from but is it just as rude if not even more so to NOT invite them at all if they want to attend?

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-or-to-not-invite-last-minute-guests-that-is-the-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fce550ca-5194-42bf-97fd-22785c12472dPost:56543ce3-3f4b-49c7-a6fd-116c4ca4e02f">Re: Invite or to not invite last minute guests, that is the question.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all of your messages. I completely understand where you all are coming from but <strong>is it just as rude if not even more so to NOT invite them at all if they want to attend?</strong>
Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]
Nope. <div>You invited those who could fit in your space. They were actually rude for bringing up the fact that they wanted to come but "didn't get invited". </div><div>
</div><div>The only exception would be if your ceremony is at a church. A church is a public place so they can come if they want but they would still not invited to the reception because that would be B-listing.</div>

chanelnjustin

From the Knot.com - If anyone is having issues with this question as well.

A Tale of Two ListsGenerate a fantasy guest list. Don't censor yourself. Instead, include every single person you'd like to invite. Then come back down to earth. Your target number will be determined by how many people the venue can hold and what your budget will allow. People will be cut-it's unavoidable. So to help make decisions, separate out the guests who must attend, like your favorite aunt or your fiance's godfather. This is your A list. Anyone not essential (no, we don't mean people you don't like, but rather colleagues you might be able to skip) should be added to the B list. These are people you would enjoy having at your wedding but who cannot be extended an offer in the first round.You should invite approximately 10 percent more guests than your target number, since between 10 and 20 percent of those invited will decline. If more people decline than you originally anticipated, start inviting from the B list. If it's a week before your wedding and you guaranteed, say, 200 guests and only 192 are showing up, it's okay to call and personally ask people to attend. Apologize for the short notice and extend a heartfelt verbal invite.

Read more: Wedding Guests: Dream Solutions to Your Wedding Guest List Nightmares http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/dream-solutions-to-your-wedding-guest-list-nightmares.aspx#ixzz25Ys0PYb4

DramaGeek

Ignore what TK says.  It's poor etiquette.  TK also tells you to invite more guests than your budget will allow, but that's also a big no-no - many ladies here have had 100% attendance.

If someone brings it up again just smile and say that unfortunately you weren't able to invite everyone you would like and change the subject.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-or-to-not-invite-last-minute-guests-that-is-the-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fce550ca-5194-42bf-97fd-22785c12472dPost:8db6d0e9-b077-4641-9740-b33b7b3b9860">Re: Invite or to not invite last minute guests, that is the question.</a>:
[QUOTE]From the Knot.com - If anyone is having issues with this question as well. A Tale of Two Lists Generate a fantasy guest list. Don't censor yourself. Instead, include every single person you'd like to invite. Then come back down to earth. Your target number will be determined by how many people the venue can hold and what your budget will allow. People will be cut-it's unavoidable. So to help make decisions, separate out the guests who must attend, like your favorite aunt or your fiance's godfather. This is your A list. Anyone not essential (no, we don't mean people you don't like, but rather colleagues you might be able to skip) should be added to the B list. These are people you would enjoy having at your wedding but who cannot be extended an offer in the first round. You should invite approximately 10 percent more guests than your target number, since between 10 and 20 percent of those invited will decline. If more people decline than you originally anticipated, start inviting from the B list. If it's a week before your wedding and you guaranteed, say, 200 guests and only 192 are showing up, it's okay to call and personally ask people to attend. Apologize for the short notice and extend a heartfelt verbal invite. Read more:  Wedding Guests: Dream Solutions to Your Wedding Guest List Nightmares   <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/dream-solutions-to-your-wedding-guest-list-nightmares.aspx#ixzz25Ys0PYb4">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/dream-solutions-to-your-wedding-guest-list-nightmares.aspx#ixzz25Ys0PYb4</a>
Posted by chanelnjustin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Worst. Advice. Ever.</div><div>
</div><div>I was B-listed to work colleague's wedding a few weeks ago.  I received the invitation in the mail two weeks after the RSVP deadline, so it was pretty obvious.  I did not attend, and am pretty offended.  I would have rather not been invited in the first place than to be explicity told that I didn't make the A-list.  Also, it seemed a little gift-grabby -- like I'm not one of their 150 closest friends, but because I came in at 154 I'm still a good enough friend that they would like a gift from me.   Yeah, no.

</div>

kmmssg

The etiquette articles on the the knot make me want to throw up.  They are the worst  and are written by people who make money on the wedding industry.  The more guests you invite, (no matter how rudely), the more napkins you need, the more favors you need, the more invitations you need.  These are all sold by the knot.  See the connection?  They don't give a rip that it is rude, they just want to encourage you to do whatever it takes to buy more stuff.  A good rule of thumb is to get your etiquette advice from Emily Post or Miss Manners because neither of them sell anything related to rudely inviting more people.  The wedding industry is hideous.

astewie

I think like most things about weddings, it is a personal and situational decision. I went to a wedding that was invited to a few weeks before and I am so glad I attended and was able to reconnect with an old friend and meet for the first time her new husband vs. standing on formal etiquette rules and declining since I wasn't "A" list.

The wedding was local (1+ hours away), so I wasn't screwed on travel. It was for a college friend who had recently moved back to the area and hadn't had room at her venue to invite many friends. I met her and her family on her first day of college; however, since we had not kept in touch much after, I was not surprised or offended to not be invited to her wedding on the "A" list. 

She sent a heartfelt personal email saying they had to make compromises based on the size of the venue and she hadn't been able to invite any of her college team friends (indicated a clear and reasonable invite boundary). She said she hoped I wasn't offended, but now that she and Dan had the opportunity to invite a few friends to share the day and she wanted to ask even though I might be insulted. She said she would rather take that chance than feel regret on her wedding day that she didn't ask if I could be there to celebrate with them. The next summer we all played on the same summer league frisbee team, which probably if I'd made big fuss about being offended, wouldn't have happened.

I think you need to consider your personal relationships with the people you'd like to invite. How you expect they might react? Be honest and don't create trouble if those people going to never let you forget they were "B" list, or make an issue of it on the day. Who needs punishing vs. celebratory guests? If responses to this post are any indication, there are clearly some people would rather not be invited than invited late. This is a clear risk and you should consider the tone of how those people mentioned they were not invited. Was it in a judging way?  Or you bumped into someone and they said hey, I heard your wedding is in Sept., I hope the planning is going well. 

Think through actually having that conversation with those you would like to invite late. What would you say and how do you imagine they would react? (If you don't know them well enough to picture that, probably don't go for it). If you think they would be more happy to celebrate your wedding rather than resentful, then it is up to you guys and not Emily Post or the Knot to decide what to do.