distant relatives inviting themselves?

nahhan12

Please, someone, tell me if I'm overreacting and being stubborn, or if I'm being reasonable. I need some perspective here:

I'm planning to have a very small informal wedding on a budget, 50 people or less. I got a call today from my cousin's 12 year old daughter saying she's so excited to be a flower girl for the wedding, she can't wait, she's always wanted to come to Alaska (where I live) and she's excited about her first plane ride. Turns out my grandmother who is coming told my aunt, uncle, and cousin's daughter they're also invited. 

Problem is, I wasn't going to invite the aunt, uncle or cousin's daughter and I'm not planning on having a flower girl at all. I haven't seen them in 10 years and we're not close. We don't call on birthdays or Christmas or anything like that. They haven't come to visit for 10 years and I feel like they're using my wedding as an excuse to take a vacation...am I being out of line? I honestly didn't even think of inviting them, but now I feel obligated to so I don't seem like a diva.

What do you guys think? How do I go about standing my ground?

rknox88

I would either have grandma call them back and say she made a mistake or I would call them personally and explain that due to, budget, space constraints, etc. that we will be unable to accommodate them at the wedding but that the support and excitement they showed was very much appreciated.

That sucks though, especially the part about the 12 year old.

aMrsin09

Ditto ^^

Plus, I think 12 is too old to be a flower girl anyway.

blackfire5th

I think they are well aware that they are not invited and are using their daughter as a ploy to get in.  The 12 year old didn't come up with the flower girl story herself, someone had to put the idea in her head.

I don't have a lot of advice other than dittoing others about having grandma fix the mistake she made.

tldh

I don't know that I'd have grandma call them back.  She might actually make you look even worse. Eg. "I know.  You should be invited.  I don't know why she's not inviting you.  She says she's having a small wedding but family should all be invited." 

Something like this happened to my brother who had a total of 30 guests at his wedding.  An uncle, who found out about the engagement when grams was talking about how excited she was for another family wedding, told him at Christmas "Well, Congratulations.  I can't wait to see you get married."  Because subtlety is lost on this family brother immediately said "Well thank you but you're not going to be there."

emeraldeyez5191

I would def stand your ground! It's your day. But take it delicately and just explain the situation (to the mother of the little girl). I would have her explain to her, that your not planning on having a flower girl, that plans had changed. The majority of kids (depending on age) will forget about the whole things within hours. I would also talk to grandma and find out what the deal is on her end. Just be very calm and sweet, and let them know your plans. It's def not worth starting a family war or anything, so just weigh your options. Good Luck! 

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_distant-relatives-inviting-themselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fcee3f83-ba80-4230-9431-e43e7fe3d465Post:baad71f1-d34d-4b65-b668-632886c641e5">Re: distant relatives inviting themselves?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would def stand your ground! It's your day. But take it delicately and just explain the situation (to the mother of the little girl). I would have her explain to her, that your not planning on having a flower girl, that plans had changed. The majority of kids (depending on age) will forget about the whole things within hours. I would also talk to grandma and find out what the deal is on her end. Just be very calm and sweet, and let them know your plans. It's def not worth starting a family war or anything, so just weigh your options. Good Luck! 
Posted by emeraldeyez5191[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">I agree with emeraldeyez to take it delicately if that will work for you.  I was trying to illustrate that in some families you have to be downright rude because that's all that gets through to them.  That said, please don't lie to them and say that your plans have changed.  Be honest and tell them that Grandma shouldn't have told them they were invited and that you are having a small wedding that will not accomodate extended family.</div>

nebbiolo

The key phrase I was told to memorize when planning a wedding is this: "I'm so sorry, but we're having a very small wedding due to budget constraints and we unforntunately cannot invite everyone we'd like to."

britne28

I had that happen as well, distant relatives said they couldn't wait to come.  We took a look at our budget and invited them.  But if you can't afford it, you can't.  So they need to be told that it is a small wedding.   Whoever told the girl she would be flower girl is just mean!  Why would they do that?