assuming a plus one

ZumbaAutumn

Our wedding is not until next year, but we have sent out save the dates already as almost all of our guests will be from out of town and out of the country....Our place can only hold 125 people, and quite frankily, so can our budget...this being said, I sent out a "wedding information" sheet with info on lodging etc and put at the bottom

"While we love kids, we are asking only family to bring kids due to seating restrictions"

Was that rude and how do we handle people wanting to bring kids anyways?? I have 2 close friends who I already said was fine because I love their kids but I don't want people who's kids I don't know and I am not close to, to bring their 5 kids!!! How do I approach this if it becomes an issue??

Also-I put only the names of who was invited on each STD...I invited my group of coworkers from back home that I worked with for several years and many of them are coming...one said she already told her husband to make plans so THEY can come (she also has 4 kids, so I am not sure if she was meaning them too!!)....I didn't do plus ones for that group because 1) I don't know their SO/spouse and 2) they all know each other!

How do I handle this??

This may already be addressed on here but I couldn't find it! Thanks!

Stackeye210

Address your invites and name only the people you want invited.  When the RSVP comes back, if the #'s don't match up then simply call and let them know that your venue can only accommodate the people listed on the invitation.  You may have people decide not to come because of it, but that's the chances you take. 

As of right now, unless someone out right tells you they're bringing someone you don't intend on inviting there isn't much you can do (in good etiquette) until the RSVP's come back. 

emilyinchile

1. Yes, it is rude to point out who is not invited (ie. no kids). But you've done it now, so you can't undo it, just don't make it worse by keeping that info on your invitations or website.

2. It's also really rude to invite people without their SOs. You don't have to invite random guests, but if people are in an established relationship (ie. long-term dating, living together or MARRIED), you need to invite their partners. Sorry, no exceptions. If you can't add the SOs of everyone you sent STDs to without going over 125, you need to look for a new venue with capacity for your new total.

3. For any "extras" whether uninvited kids or other plus ones, you handle it on a case-by-case basis. If your friend RSVPs for two, and she's not dating anyone, you call her up and explain that unfortunately you can't accomodate her guest. Ditto for people RSVPing with children.

And all these issues are dealt with multiple times on this board, lurk a little.

baystateapple

It's poor etiquette to invite only one member of a married couple, even if you don't know the spouse.  It doesn't matter if you don't know their husbands or wives, you need to invite them both.

Invitations are only for the people listed on the invite.  It would have been enough to just invite "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith", but since you already sent the invites out, that's a moot point.  If the Smiths RSVP for their children as well, you call them and say that while you'd love to have their children there, due to capacity restrictions, you can't accomodate them.  But be aware that they could change their RSVP to a decline once they find out they can't bring their children -- and that's okay.

Stackeye210

I missed the whole part where you weren't inviting spouses of old coworkers.  That's a huge NO NO.  You have to invite those people.  They are a social unit and should be treated as such. 

obeach8

we, thankfully, haven't had more than one person assume a plus one and he was very cool when we told him that the invite was only for him. You'll make yourself crazy if you worry about this now; as the date gets closer and you get ready to send out invitations, people will either ask you or they will reply with a guest and/or kids. At that point, you'll just have to politely express the way you and your fiance made up the guest list. 

Beachy730

Most people won't tell you now if they are planning on bringing their kids in a wedding over a year from now.  If they do, then you just say "I'm sorry for the confusion, the invitation was only for you and your husband due to the size of our venue." 

As for the work people you invited, you should without a doubt invite their spouse or SO.  They are a social unit which shouldn't be broken up.  She probably said what she did to you because she assumed he was invited as well, which he should be.  I know i would be upset if only me or FI was invited to a wedding and not with eachother, and especially if it meant I had to travel to it. 

You already made mention of no kids, so if you try sending out anything else about it you will seem to pushy about it.  You have plenty of time.  Deal with the issue as it comes up with people.  You did the right thing by only addressing the STD's to who was invited.  Do the same for the invitation.  I would also do something on your response card like ___/2 are attending, or 2 seats have been reserved in your honor, to avoid any confusion.

obeach8

oh i missed that too about not inviting co-workers' spouses. yea, if someone is married, they need to be invited as a couple. wouldn't it hurt your feelings if the situation were reversed and (once you're married) your husband is invited to a wedding without you?

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assuming-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdac9e87-d816-4954-9952-b8d47fb91e89Post:c5e9facb-12e1-4037-8e11-a946740f54b0">assuming a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is not until next year, but we have sent out save the dates already as almost all of our guests will be from out of town and out of the country....Our place can only hold 125 people, and quite frankily, so can our budget...this being said, I sent out a "wedding information" sheet with info on lodging etc and put at the bottom "While we love kids, we are asking only family to bring kids due to seating restrictions" Was that rude and how do we handle people wanting to bring kids anyways?? I have 2 close friends who I already said was fine because I love their kids but I don't want people who's kids I don't know and I am not close to, to bring their 5 kids!!! How do I approach this if it becomes an issue?? Also-I put only the names of who was invited on each STD...I invited my group of coworkers from back home that I worked with for several years and many of them are coming...one said she already told her husband to make plans so THEY can come (she also has 4 kids, so I am not sure if she was meaning them too!!)....I didn't do plus ones for that group because <strong>1) I don't know their SO/spouse and 2) they all know each other!</strong> How do I handle this?? This may already be addressed on here but I couldn't find it! Thanks!
Posted by ZumbaAutumn[/QUOTE]

The bolded part is completely irrelevant.  As PPs said, it is horrendously rude to invite a person without his or her spouse, whether you know the spouse or not.  You handle it by apologizing for your error and including the spouse on the invitation.

ZumbaAutumn

sorry, I had read somewhere on here that it was perfectly fine NOT to extend a plus one to coworkers when there was a  group of them coming and they know each other...that was something I was able to pull up on this board before I sent the STD out...that is where my dilemma came from....

Also, I don't wanna tell someone "sorry but you can't bring so and so" after they RSVP'd more than were allowed because by then I am sure they will have air fare and lodging arranged

guess we will just see how it goes

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assuming-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdac9e87-d816-4954-9952-b8d47fb91e89Post:db9a6853-dc93-4fed-86f3-ea831618e48d">Re: assuming a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>sorry, I had read somewhere on here that it was perfectly fine NOT to extend a plus one to coworkers when there was a  group of them coming and they know each other..</strong>.that was something I was able to pull up on this board before I sent the STD out...that is where my dilemma came from.... <strong>Also, I don't wanna tell someone "sorry but you can't bring so and so" after they RSVP'd more than were allowed because by then I am sure they will have air fare and lodging arranged </strong>guess we will just see how it goes
Posted by ZumbaAutumn[/QUOTE]

Well, sounds like you've got it all figured out then.  You asked for etiquette advice, so that's how we responded.  If you think what you're doing is just fine then continue on and start calling people now then.  Not sure why you asked a question if you already knew what you were going to do. 

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assuming-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdac9e87-d816-4954-9952-b8d47fb91e89Post:db9a6853-dc93-4fed-86f3-ea831618e48d">Re: assuming a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]sorry, <strong>I had read somewhere on here that it was perfectly fine NOT to extend a plus one to coworkers when there was a  group of them coming and they know each other...that was something I was able to pull up on this board before I sent the STD out...that is where my dilemma came from...</strong>. Also, I don't wanna tell someone "sorry but you can't bring so and so" after they RSVP'd more than were allowed because by then I am sure they will have air fare and lodging arranged guess we will just see how it goes
Posted by ZumbaAutumn[/QUOTE]

That is true, if you are inviting a bunch of co-workers, you usually don't have to extend them a plus one IF they are not in a LTR or married. A plus one is different than inviting someone without their significant other. If your co-workers are married, then ettiquette dictates that you don't split up a social unit.

banana468

Honestly, I think you're going about this the wrong way.

If your wedding is a year away, you have to put yourself in the position that any single people COULD be in serious relationships by the time you're mailing invitations.

Scale back other portions of your wedding or change your reception venue if it's already so tight that you'll possibly be at max.

As PPs said, you don't need to invite kids but you do need to invite SOs - and you should assume that all the single people could be in a relationship by the time your wedding rolls around next year.

mnq2169

I agree and disagree with some of these. I am in the same predicament about guest list and when it comes to having the wedding of your dreams on a budget you have to make as many cuts as possible. Ultimately it's your day and how you want it. If there are no kids allowed, simply stating that this is an adult only event is perfectly fine. Also I agree with others on the fact that if people are in a LTR or Married than the SO should be included. For other single friends it is ultimately up to you if you want to extend a plus one to them or just invite them as a single. For ours we are allowing each one of our single friends that are in the wedding party a plus one as they may want to bring a date, if however they do not then that gives us a extra invite to pass on to someone else that didn't make the list previously. Good luck with everything.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assuming-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdac9e87-d816-4954-9952-b8d47fb91e89Post:c5e9facb-12e1-4037-8e11-a946740f54b0">assuming a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is not until next year, but we have sent out save the dates already as almost all of our guests will be from out of town and out of the country....Our place can only hold 125 people, and quite frankily, so can our budget...this being said, I sent out a "wedding information" sheet with info on lodging etc and put at the bottom "<strong>While we love kids, we are asking only family to bring kids due to seating restrictions</strong>" Was that rude and how do we handle people wanting to bring kids anyways?? <strong>I have 2 close friends who I already said was fine because I love their kids but I don't want people who's kids I don't know and I am not close to, to bring their 5 kids!!!</strong> How do I approach this if it becomes an issue?? Also-I put only the names of who was invited on each STD...I invited my group of coworkers from back home that I worked with for several years and many of them are coming...one said she already told her husband to make plans so THEY can come (she also has 4 kids, so I am not sure if she was meaning them too!!)....I didn't do plus ones for that group because 1) I don't know their SO/spouse and 2) they all know each other! How do I handle this?? This may already be addressed on here but I couldn't find it! Thanks!
Posted by ZumbaAutumn[/QUOTE]

So, your family members are all allowed to bring kids....and certain "chosen" friends are allowed to bring kids...but no one else.  Sounds to me like you're going to have a lot of disgruntled wedding guests.  They'll have been told, "you can't bring your kids because there isn't enough room," but they'll see a bunch of kids there.  I'm not sure they'll go for the excuse, "but we love THESE kids...we don't even know yours"

Once you start making exceptions, it's a slippery slope.  Granted, you're always going to have someone unhappy with the decisions you've made, but this sounds like trouble to me.

Oh, and married/LTR couples get invited as a pair (both names on the invite)...never a "plus one".  You have to invite your coworkers' spouses.

ZumbaAutumn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assuming-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdac9e87-d816-4954-9952-b8d47fb91e89Post:99636b30-1746-454a-9074-8b4b46d1a624">Re: assuming a plus one</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to assuming a plus one : So, your family members are all allowed to bring kids....and certain "chosen" friends are allowed to bring kids...but no one else.  Sounds to me like you're going to have a lot of disgruntled wedding guests.  They'll have been told, "you can't bring your kids because there isn't enough room," but they'll see a bunch of kids there.  I'm not sure they'll go for the excuse, "but we love THESE kids...we don't even know yours" Once you start making exceptions, it's a slippery slope.  Granted, you're always going to have someone unhappy with the decisions you've made, but this sounds like trouble to me. Oh, and married/LTR couples get invited as a pair (both names on the invite)...never a "plus one".  You have to invite your coworkers' spouses.
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The 2 friends that are bringing kids are my best friends, practically family.</div><div>
</div><div>I decided to just see what happens on the coworkers, as I am sure not all of them will come since the wedding IS out of state and the whole clinic would have to shut down for them to come. My concern with this was mostly because we are paying for our entire wedding, and we aren't rich LOL</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you ladies that gave me a KIND response, some women on here I have noticed are a bit snippy in their responses throughout the boards! Remember...you were once a newbie and had questions as well! And the search engine on here, doesn't always pull up exactly what you are looking for!</div><div>

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