Another alcoholic parent question

riverjib

Should I invite my alcoholic father (who has not been part of my life) to my wedding? I feel that I should if I want to invite his sister and her kids. This also raises the issue of only inviting his sister, and not his other siblings' kids. I'm the only one who talks to him at all, and he's a mess. But we're having such a huge wedding (two huge families) that I don't think his presence will be an issue.

I planned to walk down the aisle alone, since I've been supporting myself for ten years and put myself through college. Do I have to rethink this? My sister didn't invite my dad AND had my mom walk her down the aisle. But my mom helped her with school, and she lived with her until shortly before she got married. I feel like I have done this on my own, and even my mom applauded when her best friend's daughter walked down the aisle alone. But my dad's presence will make my mom uncomfortable (even if she doesn't articulate it, I've already gotten that sense). So should I just have her walk me down the aisle?

caseylynne21

will you regret not inviting him? i understand all your points, and i dont think that it is necessary to have him walk you down the isle if he is invited. it's your call in my mind.

squirrly

Your dad - invite him if it's important to you to do so.  Seat him away from your mother, both at the ceremony and reception, if he does attend. 

Your dad's siblings - invite the ones with whom you are close.  If you have no relationship with some, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  I only invited one of my grandmother's siblings - I don't ever see the others.  

The kids - again, if you have no relationship with folks, I wouldn't invite them just because they hold the same title (aunt, niece, etc.) as someone else you're inviting.  I know we frequently recommend that you invite in tiers - so, all your aunts & uncles - but I think that only applies if you have a relationship with those folks and don't want to upset anyone.  If you have no relationship with them, don't/won't see them, then I don't see why they would care.

Getting down the aisle - pick the option that YOU like best.  It sounds like that's walking down alone.  I don't think you should compromise on that one to appease someone else. 

riverjib

Thanks for the input! His family is all really screwed up, sadly, but his sister is the "sane" one of the bunch...quite honestly, I really feel sorry for her. We were really close to her and her kids growing up. I'm actually planning to ask my cousin (her oldest daughter) to be a bridesmaid. I just felt a bit awkward inviting her and her kids, while leaving out their brothers' kids (both his brothers passed away).

I started talking to my dad a few years ago, and while he's a terribly messed up man, he's still my father. I dealt with my own ghosts from his behavior in therapy when I was younger. I'm grateful for the good memories of my childhood with him, and it's good to have a relationship with him, even if I have to keep him at a distance. I think not getting invited to my sister's wedding was a huge wake-up call, and he's really reached out in the last few years. My mom and sister are okay with me inviting him and his sister & her kids, but none of us wants the rest of his family there. We're having a really big wedding...my mom's side of the family is enormous, and so is my fi's family, so I don't think his presence will even be terribly obvious.

I just have to make a decision about walking down the aisle alone vs. with my mom. My sister had her walk her down the aisle, but my sister also got married practically straight out of my mom's home, whereas I've been on my own for ten years...though my family is unusually close and connected. My mom would be gracious either way, but since I'm inviting my dad, I might need to be really careful about making my mom feel special. I have time to decide, but I'd definitely appreciate any other input on this.