Call off the wedding? AE

whattodotimesrunningout

I'm going through a crisis. I'm rethinking going through with the wedding. Over the weekend I got back in contact with an old flame. Long story short I can't get him out of my head. I keep thinking "what if". Our relationship ended because I was under age and my dad threatened to press charges against him. I only learned of that over the weekend so my hate for him has now turned back into the old feelings. FWIW we didn't do anything that crosses the line between innocent chatter and cheating territory.
I'm having an internal battle because I don't want to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me but I also feel like I want to pursue the old flame. i'm so confused.

[Deleted User]

I agree with Sarah.

If your FI is "the best thing that ever happened to you," then this other guy shouldn't matter one bit. Butterfly feelings don't equal love or a long-lasting, meaningful relationship. They are just butterflies. Hell, I get them when I look at Vin Diesel with his shirt off.

I think you need to end all contact with this past guy and focus on your FI. If you want to marry him, awesome. If not, don't let it be because of an ex or a "what if."

tanyanubin

How did you 'get back in contact with' this person? Was it you contacting him?  Seems very immature to me. Seems that you are not ready to marry anyone.  Wow....your fiance certainly doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. Poor guy. I'm guessing he doesn't  know?

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_call-off-the-wedding-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe0e7419-86fe-496f-9e40-afa6964aec13Post:000966bd-e65e-4d39-957a-a8409d0b9763">Re: Call off the wedding? AE</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Sarah. If your FI is "the best thing that ever happened to you," then this other guy shouldn't matter one bit. Butterfly feelings don't equal love or a long-lasting, meaningful relationship. They are just butterflies.<strong> Hell, I get them when I look at Vin Diesel with his shirt off</strong>. I think you need to end all contact with this past guy and focus on your FI. If you want to marry him, awesome. If not, don't let it be because of an ex or a "what if."
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]


:)

OP, feelings like that can be a little unnerving.  Your best chance to know what to do is to figure out what those butterflies mean to you.  Maybe they're just nerves after talking to this guy for the first time in years.  When I saw my ex last fall at a football game, holy shiit did I get butterflies, but not good ones. 

I agree that you shouldn't throw away the best thing in your life for some guy you loved 10 years ago.  But only you can know for sure what's right.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_call-off-the-wedding-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe0e7419-86fe-496f-9e40-afa6964aec13Post:515318a0-ed2d-4d07-872c-8f068a0bff7b">Re: Call off the wedding? AE</a>:
[QUOTE]How did you 'get back in contact with' this person? Was it you contacting him?  Seems very immature to me. Seems that you are not ready to marry anyone.  Wow....your fiance certainly doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. Poor guy. I'm guessing he doesn't  know?
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

This is pretty judgy and non-helpful.

Regardless, OP, I think a lot of people have someone from their past who they thought they'd end up with, but sometimes life doesnt work out that way. I agree with the recommendations of others to take this guy out the equation for now and focus on what you feel for your FI. I still dream about an ex -- a guy I grew up with -- from time to time, and sometimes I get sad, but when I think about the life FI and I have built together, it becomes obvious to me that I made my decision (and it was the right one) long long ago.

Residual feelings have a way of sticking around, and it's no surprise that as you're ready to make a big commitment you find them resurfacing -- just think long and hard about what you want. If you called off the wedding you're unlikely to be able to go back.

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_call-off-the-wedding-ae?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe0e7419-86fe-496f-9e40-afa6964aec13Post:515318a0-ed2d-4d07-872c-8f068a0bff7b">Re: Call off the wedding? AE</a>:
[QUOTE]How did you 'get back in contact with' this person? Was it you contacting him?  Seems very immature to me. Seems that you are not ready to marry anyone.  Wow....your fiance certainly doesn't deserve this kind of behavior. Poor guy. I'm guessing he doesn't  know?
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

<div>Seems to me that if people are in denial that they will encounter something like this sometime in their relationship, then they aren't ready to marry someone. I think that she's being very reasonable and it's good that she's learning to deal with things like this now, because it's pretty likely that she'll have to deal with something similar again.</div>

SilverLining1

OP, I think that if you're happy with your FI, then you shouldn't give this guy a second thought. After nine years, you have no idea who he is. If you weren't happy with your FI, it would be a different story, but this guy has nothing to do with it, ya know? Basically, I think you're just giving this more thought than usual because you're engaged instead of married or dating.

RussoWill

I felt that same way about someone I dated in 9th grade! We were still friends in college (FI even hung out with him without me a few times) and once I got engaged I internally freaked out about what could have been. In the end, nothing could have been. We are so different now that we can still be friends, but would want totally different things in a SO. 
I've had like 5 dreams about us being together now that I'm married. Its weird, but in the end, he was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart. Its the nostalgic first love place, though, not the rest of my life with you place.