Pushy MOH

BrideMaidPro

I know, my posts are always so freakin long! I'm sorry!My MOH is my older sister. She has been helping me a lot with the wedding, esp. meeting with vendors because she went through all this for her wedding 3 years ago and kind of knows the "questions to ask" and is just basically better at negotiating than I am.  I am very grateful for her help and I have told her that many times, but like...I need her to back off a little.  I am happy to hear her opinions but (not to sound like a brat) this is MY wedding and she needs to stop being so pushy.  Honestly, I can pick out postage stamps without her hovering over my shoulder! She has become completely overbearing.  For instance, she went with my mother and I to the first meeting we had with the florist and basically kept talking OVER me.    And afterwards in the car one the way home, as I was talking with my mom about what i liked and didn't like about what the florist suggested, she was practically shouting over me. Her knew thing is that she keeps saying how she is having so much fun because it is  like "she is planning her second wedding." I am sure you will tell me I am overreacting but it infuriates me.  This all culminated last night because our niece's flower girl dress came in.  My sister said she was going to take her to get it because I had something I was supposed to do (btw, I did not ASK her to get the dress, she just said she was going to).  Turns out, my friday plans changed, so I texted her saying that I could take my neice up to get the dress and not to worry about it.  She kind of freaked out about it.  She sent me rapid fire text messages about how she wants to take her and I could "just come with us if I get home from work before they go."  This is pretty insignificant and not a big deal, i know, but it basically just pushed me over the edge.  All of these little silly things that she keeps trying to control is making me so mad and if I try and tell her that I am being "ungrateful" and a "bridezilla."  How is saying I will pick up a dress instead of having someone do it FOR ME making ME a bridezilla?? So now she is mad at me and skipped out on the second meeting with the florist (which i was happy about but I am not happy that she is mad or insulted) She is my sister so I know this is kind of just how she is with everything, but I have worked really hard trying to make the wedding the way I want it and as a reflection as to who me and my FI are.  It may seem lame, but I am proud of it and I think everything is really turning out great but I am having a repeated nightmare that she is going to get up at the wedding for her speech and say "I planned this whole wedding!" (which, to be honest, I can really see her saying, toned down a bit, the same idea!)  Just because you talked the photographer into changing our package around a little does not mean you 'planned' the wedding. So..if I am deserving a flame...go right ahead...and if not...how do I get her to back off without insulting her?

mbcdefg

You need to stop involving her in your planning. Do not invite her to vendor appointments because she's only going to want to come along and take over. Don't tell her about your plans because she's only going to tell you about HER ideas and drown you out. You and FI should handle the planning on your own if she is going to be like this. If you want her to help in a smaller way, pick something you don't really care about and let her get involved with that. Give her a project that she can concentrate on so that she leaves you alone otherwise ... maybe something like OOT gift bags, the rehearsal dinner, invitations, etc. Something that you won't really care if she does it her way instead of your way.

caketime

Stop asking for her help or give her the bathroom baskets to do.  The more you ask for her help the more you are letting her help plan.Of course it's hard because you are sisters but by taking by the reins it will be your wedding.  With vendors bring your FI or go by yourself.

BrideMaidPro

problem is I don't call her up and tell her about every appointment...she either makes a point of asking me or my mom and i feel like a jerk lying to her and my mom won't lie to her because they are much closer (i'm kind of the odd one out)And then she will say 'oh i will come with you, i have nothing to do' and it is hard to tell her that I don't want or need her to come without coming across as mean.

mbcdefg

So don't tell your mom about it either. Or, if you want your mom to come with you, schedule the appointment for a time when you know your mom will be free. Then call her and say, "If you want to come to the florist appointment with me, I'll pick you up in 10 minutes." That way she can still go, but she won't spill the beans to your sister because she honestly won't know ahead of time. Or, you know, just ask your mother to respect your wishes and not tell your sister about it. I get that your mom doesn't want to lie but she also needs to listen to what YOU want. And if she just can't bear to keep your sister out of the plans, then I think you should avoid involving your mom, too.

erikag23

going forward try and do as much as you can on your own.  my sil is recently engaged and is getting married next june.  i offered her help and she has graciously accepted my suggestions, rec's, etc.  however, i try and not to over stop my bounderies~ sometimes it is hard because i find myself getting super excited, kind of like your sister, and then step back.  since your sister does not realize what she is doing, i would just keep your mouth shut going forward.  otherwise, she is going to probably get upset and cuase a ton of drama.

mrs.spunky1508

Again, mbcdefg is the voice of reason and I agree with her 100%!

BrideMaidPro

thanks for the suggestions..I am definitely going to try and get things done without her "finding out" but it is hard because we are a super close-knit italian family and she is just always around...plus it is hard for me to leave my mom out because, I really want her there...and also, she is paying for everything so I don't want to not include her.ugh november can't get here soon enough.

real deal

Please be sure to have that "heart to heart" talk with your sister that says "I need you, I appreciate everything you've helped me with to-date... but..." and let her know that as things are coming together, you want to be able to experience that "my wedding" joy feeling of all the effort you've put into planning your own wedding. And perhaps, set the rules with your sister... if she insists in coming, she should know how to behave and what role you want her to play. I'd be concerned about deliberately keeping things away from her... When all hell breaks loose, as it sometimes will, you're going to need her. My FI always says "people always need." And if your sister feels alienated, she may just turn the other way on you when you really do need her. Be open and honest. She'll get over her own hurt feelings in time, but she'll be right by your side no matter what if you are just honest with her. And, don't wait for another "event" to tell her, e.g. the FG dress pick up event. The convo needs to happen irrelevant to the moment, situation etc. Otherwise, you could just end up in a screaming match which it seems like that's what happened from your post. Good luck.