FIL Vent

neilly18

Got home from work today to learn that my FILs called to ask if their neice and nephews children could come to the wedding.  The are 2 1/2 and 4.  Of course they said if the money was the issue they would pay for the children and would even do me the favor of calling to ask my parents themselves.  How nice.  I am just praying the terrible twos don't come running and that the people who I know searching for a sitter because Kids other than our own neices and nephews are not allowed don't become too angry.   Sorry about the vent....but I guess this is bound to happen 

Danes983

This gets posted a lot and it amazes me how many people dont have any class.  How do you call someone and say" hi can my kids come?  Um and if your too cheap Ill pay"  Its not about being cheap its about not wanting little rug rats running around.  I love kids and want them, but I dont want them to be at my wedding unless they are in the Bridal Party.  Sorry they are acting like this. What did you say?

caketime

Actually you should be telling them unfortunately they are not able to come.  Because yes, people who went and found a sitter and were not rude by asking if you the kids could come, are going to be upset.  Especially if other relatives kids (no matter the distance) are not allowed to come.

neilly18

If I want a harmonious marriage I needed to say yes because it is actualy FIs parents who called.  There are so many issues and I would love to vent them all here but nobody would read a post that long :-)  His parents are acually making me hate the wedding planning process and I just can't wait for it to be over and for he and I to start our life together.  foruntately for me he does not sugarcoat what his parents and is perfectly aware -- does not make it any better though.

I <3 Seabass

You should have your FI tell his parents that they can't come and that it has nothing to do with money. IMO if you let those kids come then you need to extend the same offer to all your guests with kids.

caketime

I had IL troubles too, lots of them, but you have to be fair to all of your guests.  We told them no lots of times, they are the ones being rude.

neilly18

Fi and I did talk about it but his parents said if it was an issue they would call my parents to "work it out" and explain.  I LOVE my parents and they have given me the world and continue to do so even as I get older.  I don't want to put my parents in that position. If Fi and I say no his parents will call mine.  Its so hard to explain all of this like his mine suggested a place for my mom to have the shower since my mom lives out of state. My mom booked that place and then FMIL said  it is probably too expensive for a shower. Now she looked at it and said she doesn't like the place and can't believe my mom did not come to NJ for a few days to scout out shower sites. But mind you has not even offered the obligatory "can I help you".....it goes on and on and on....

I <3 Seabass

I think its fine if you don't want to fight that battle with your FILs but as a result I think you should call your other guests and extend the same offer. You don't really have to invite their kids but you could say something along the lines of "We've had a couple of guests who are having trouble finding a sitter and may be bringing their kids. If you are having the same problem then we would be happy to find a sitter for you or you could bring the little one along. It's your choice."

neilly18

Seabass -- Thanks - I agree 100% with you which is why I am really really mad about this.  The last thing I want is lingering resentment  from anyone when is comes to our wedding.  Isn't it supposed to be a joyous celebration??

I <3 Seabass

Yeah it's def. a sucky situation. I agree with you though, I wouldn't want people to be mad at me when it's really the FIL's that are being rude.

Angie550

That really stinks.  Is there a room at your venue where you could hire a baby sitter and make it a "kid" room.  This way if you extend the offer to ther guests you wont have tons of kids running around. 

neilly18

I was just thinking about that.  The cocktail hour room is downstairs and after CH they clean it up and leave it open all night.  Said we can use it for whatever we want..kids etc.  They will even put a TV there.  I would be willing to pay for a babysitter to keep the reception free of tantrums.  I will talk to FI about this tonight

brad1431

I agree with caketime

neilly18

This is not a snarky response -- I wish you could hear the complete desparation in my tone  -- Would you agree if it meant that you would have to deal with a lifetime of complete fmaily discord.  As much as I am having issues with my FILs they will be family and family is the most important thing to me.  This is literally eating me from the inside out.

mrs.spunky1508

Jumping in... Yes, I would still agree. B/C I am a reasonable person with reasonable expectations and IMO, weddings are adult-only affairs. If my ILs didn't see my side of things or my FI (H) wasn't willing to go at bat for me to them, then THEY'RE the unreasonable ones, and especially so for this causing a lifetime of discord. It's one day, get a freakin' babysitter. If you don't put your foot down now, you'll never be able to. Hell, my cousin who lives in OHIO and drove 10 hours here brought her daughters, aged 9 and 6. My MOH's 2 sisters (teenagers) watched them in the hotel and they had a MUCH better time there than they would have at the wedding. They went to the RD and the ceremony and had a girls night with the "cool" girls for the reception. No issues, no whining. My cousin asked me how much my friend's sisters were charging, I told her not to worry about it and I paid them - she happily accepted although I am sure my cousin gave them a hefty tip b/c she is generous like that.

neilly18

Thanks Mrs Spunky -- I appreciate it.  We will be getting  babysitter. I spoke with a friend and she will be asking the teachers at her daughters daycare to watch the children. Atleast they will be certified daycare providers.I know it sounds like I am whining and I probably am -- but every decision we have made in this wedding (and FI is great about things and standing up to his parents they just don't listen) has been questioned... every decision -- even ties over bow ties

I <3 Seabass

That sounds like a great idea and a good compromise!

mrs.spunky1508

In that case, you stop telling them, LOL. If they ask, ignore it, especially if they're not fronting the funds! I know I have it incredibly easy with my ILs based on the horror stories I've read on here and the nest, but anytime my MIL raises an eyebrow or my dad says "the last thing you need is x " (insert our kayak purchase earlier this year, my H expressing a desire for a motorcycle, among other things here) I just know that's the last time I mention it or anything in that vein. Seriously, I don't know how some of you do it. Like I said I am a pretty reasonable person, but I'd go apesh!t on my ILs - and so would my H, btw - if they spoke to me or did things to me that some of you have to deal with.

neilly18

AHHHH I can only dream of having good in laws....Their latest family debate is whether or not I will be wearing my glasses at the wedding.  I know the answer to this, but I am refusing to let them know.  I just say I'm not sure. They can debate it from now until the time I walk down the aisle.

I <3 Seabass

ha! that's funny you say that about the glasses! I had the same issue, well kind of, except mine wasn't so much of a debate, more like a mandate....My mom said 'you are not wearing your glasses on your wedding day'. So now I have contacts...That was a battle I was not willing to fight and in the end I found out my fear of touching my eye wasn't so bad and I actually like having contacts!

neilly18

I love contacts however my tear ducts are damaged and most of the time when I wear contacts I get horrible eye infections because of that, the last thing I want are bright red eyes the day of the wedding.  But yes I will be wearing contacts that day