Legitimate, yet flameful, question re: ILs/FILs

justkris10

I agree with Tiff you tend to be very judgemental. Nonetheless, I am lucky too - my parents, my entire family and all of my friends absolutely ADORE DH big time...and they make it known and from what I see/hear my IL's and extended family love me as well. I do know, however, what its like to have a relationship where one of or both sets of parents dislike the other person in the relationship and it does suck big time - I cannot imagine being married to someone in that situation, it would be real shytty I would think. That being said, I wouldn't break it off with someone if I loved them and were engaged, about to be, whatever -- however, I don't really feel I could get to that level with someone if my friends/fam didn't like them or vis versa it would be hard to get that close but I certainly wont judge anyone that is in that bc who knows what their personal situation is like

mrs.spunky1508

I really don't understand how curious = judgmental. Tiff said I come from a very "personal view on things". Well where else can I come from? All I know personally is what I have experienced. Anything else, I have to ask questions about. I have not experienced the other dynamics mentioned before firsthand and would like to understand them, therefore I have to ask questions. Not to be judgmental, but to understand what those other dynamics are like. Unless I am thrown into that dynamic, I can not experience it firsthand. That is just how I am. I also tend to throw personal experiences in there, I guess you feel that's wrong. I guess I worded my question in a weird way? Basically what I wanted to know was: if you or your FI doesn't get along with the other side's family, what are your interactions with the family(ies) like? How does it affect your relationship with your partner? Does it bother you or them in any way? Do you get in disagreements over it? For instance, if you feel your FMIL/MIL is passive-agressive toward you about something, does your FI/H agree? Or is she that way when he is not around? Or what? If he were to disagree and say it was all in your head or "that's how she is", how would you or do you respond? What will happen in the future when you get married, if/when you have children? Is that better?

melissa82

You really can't see how what you asked contained judgments?Starting a question with "How you could have gotten this far" may be curious but it also implies that it was wrong/crazy to do so. Yes, everyone comes from a place of personal experience, I think Tif means that it seems like you may find it hard to view situations from other people's point of view. Because although I get along very well with my parents, I can easily understand how someone else might not talk to one of their parents or have a strained relationship, etc., and thus might not care very much or put much stock in their parents' opinions.There are lots of parents in my extended family who don't approve of their son's/daughter's partner because they aren't of the same ethinicity, so maybe I can just more easily see how there are so many situations where the parents aren't always right, even if they have their child's best interests at heart?

mrs.spunky1508

I guess the "how" is not in "my God, how in the world could you have done that?! that is insane/weird/awful" but as in "please explain to me in light of these difficulties/differences you have gotten past them or dealt with them". Going on, this is my experience, explain yours, please. The "how" is in explaining the process or the situation, kwim? I think I should have worded the "how could you" more like "have have you dealt?"

mrs.spunky1508

**how have you dealt, sorry.

kewltif

Kate- Sometimes it's the tone of your posts. They come across judgemental, whether you mean to be or not.Sometimes I view you as having a bit sheltered existence.  The only child to the nth degree and you don't seem to have an understanding of how anyone could be different.I guess you are right, if you don't ask, you'll never learn about other people.