New Jersey
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WWYD

So here's the situation. FSIL who's a BM (not sure if that makes a difference for this story) is 18 and has been dating her BF for a year or so. They all live in MD by the way. Per her parents, her BF was not invited to the wedding. He really hasn't been integrated into any other family functions (except her graduation party) and he doesn't really make an effort (at least from what I've seen) to get to know her family. So basically neither side is really putting the effort in to get to know the other. So needless to say FSIL is pissed that he's not invited. FI and I see both sides of the story but we're trying to decide if we should talk to FILs and convince them that he should be invited or if we should just stay out of it. WWYD?

Re: WWYD

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    alliecarrie41alliecarrie41 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    sounds like he's not really interested and might be out of the picture in the near future.  best to leave the NO GUEST status alone; this is a family function and you don't want some bf of the moment in the way.  she's only 18, she doesn't need a guest to mingle with the BP and her family.
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    Danes983Danes983 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think its odd the FIL's told you not to invite him. If there is an issue they should have brought it up with the FSIL.At anyrate, I would talke to the FIL and tell them that he should be invited. Maybe this will be his chance to make nice with them.
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    imagrl10imagrl10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    because he isnt integrated into the family, he may feel funny being there.  she is a BM and will not be able to be with him due to her duties that day.  i would present it that way.  plus, i see it as her being young. are they super serious?? i wasnt planning on inviting my cousin (also a bm) boyfriend. she is 19.  but they just broke up so i dont have to do come across that bridge.
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    cknud112cknud112 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi.  I would invite him.  I'm not sure of the specifics of your situation and why FILs are deciding who to invite/not invite, but IMO her bf should be invited.  Regardless of the fact that he doesn't make an effort with her family, he is her bf.  If you and FI can't just invite him on your own w/o asking FILs first, I would have FI talk to them.
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    edited December 2011
    i wouldn't invite him. if he does not make an effort to get to know the family then why now? i don't think your wedding should be the place where he gets to know the family better. plus if she is a bm there is a good amount of time in the day that she won't even be with him. another reason yous fil might not want you to invite him is because he is an added expensive. you have to pay for his seat, but they are also probably concerned about where is he going to stay while in NJ.
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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think there's any harm in gently talking to your in-laws about it (or if FI talks to them), but in the end I'd just bow to their wishes if they insist that he not be there. FSIL can take it up with them if she's pissed.
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    Lola MinnieLola Minnie member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't want to step on my FILs' toes.  I think you and your fi should talk to them about the situation. However, your fi should take up with his sis that it's the parents she should be angry at, not you guys.
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    edited December 2011
    I think he should definitely be invited.  Just because he doesn't interact with her family alot doesn't make sense to me as why he shouldn't be invited to the wedding. He still is her boyfriend. She is also a bm and i believe the bridal party should be invited with a guest.  I'm not really sure why his parents are deciding your guest list. Also her age really shouldn't matter.  Just because she is 18 doesn't mean the relationship isn't serious. There are people on here who have dated their fi/dh's since they were in highschool. 
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    uppereastgirluppereastgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think he should be invited.  I would talk to your in-laws and see if they can be convinced.  I think it is the right thing for him to be invited, and you don't want her to be angry at the wedding.
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    edited December 2011
    I see both sides as well. FWIW, we had a similar situation. DH's 3 cousins, all BMs, were 18 when we got married. DH and I, my parents (who were hosting/paying), and my FIL had no problem having them bring dates, including one of my H's cousins' boyfriends who she had been with since she was 16 (and is still with at 20, btw). My MIL and DH's aunt did not want any of them to have "and guest" on their invitations, ESPECIALLY the one's boyfriend. Likewise, he wasn't really a part of the family, didn't attend any other gatherings, etc. My feeling on it was this: they're all 18, they all can date, drive, vote, etc. 2 were still in HS (seniors), the other (the one with the bf) was a freshman in college, so they had a decent amount of freedom to do what they want. My ONLY concern was where do they sleep? If all 3 brought dates, they'd have to get their own room, and who would pay for it? The 3 cousins & DH's grandmother maxed out the capacity of their room. DH's aunt & uncle were in another room, I guess if only 1 brought a date, he'd sleep in their room? I dunno. Anyway, I had cousins of a similar age who brought their SOs, but they're very much a part of the family - and they want to be a part of the family. For instance, my one cousin's bf came over to mow my parents' grass when he found out my mom broke her ankle this summer - when he himself had a broken collarbone. I deferred to my H's aunt (and my MIL) on this one. They're HER kids, just like your FSIL is your FILs' kid. She may be 18, but she is (I assume) living under their roof. Every family is different, but when I was living with my parents even at 21, they had rules.
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    edited December 2011
    I think he should be invited.  She is a major part of your wedding and this person is important to her.  Does it have to do with him living out of state and just not getting to know him? My inlaws live out of state and i can tell you from my experience that its really hard to get in with the family when you only see them every so often.
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    edited December 2011
    I would stay out of it as much as possible. Tell your FSIL to discuss with her parents, as they were the ones who told you to invite her alone.
    ~Chelsea~
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    edited December 2011
    Maybe ask them why they did not want to invite him.  Possibly a backstory that would help shed some light.  If they don't have a good reason than maybe ask why but I would tread lightly.
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    edited December 2011
    FILs got decide if he was invited because she's their daughter and I didn't feel comfortable putting them in the position of having to deal with the issue of where does he sleep since they are OOT. As well as shelling out money for an extra hotel room, because, all though they are technically adults they are still financially dependent on their parents. Also I mentioned the part about him not really interacting with the family because he literally wont know anyone there and I know that it wouldn't make FI or the rest of his family happy if she was off sitting with him in the corner all night (which is was tends to happen when he's around). On the flip side if he's not there I'm sure she'll be on her phone texting him all night so it's really a no win situation either way you look at it.
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    tiff0826tiff0826 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Are there any other BMs and GMs not invited with a guest?  I agree with some of the other posts about inviting him, unless of course there  is a major reason the FILs did not want him there that maybe no one else is aware of yet. Also, if she is in your BP and is in a bad mood about being there wihtout her guest/BF, she may ruin your photos with a puss face!  I think it is worth atleast an informal discussion with the FILs.Good luck!
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    littledaisieslittledaisies member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure if this was said but I would make it clear that her parents made the decision that he's not invited. This way you're not blamed for it. I personally would stay out of it. It sounds like more of an issue with her and her parents.
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    edited December 2011
    I think he should be invited. Like it was said before maybe FI could just mention it to the IL's in passing conversation. I know money could be an issue since your IL's would have to pay for his lodging and such but maybe his parents could give him something, you know? I can picture what you said: She'll be texting him all night anyway...
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    edited December 2011
    On principle I think he should be invited.  However, I would defer to her parents in this case.  Sorry its a crappy situation, but in the end its them you want on your side.  Not to mention if he isn't invited to other family functions - why are you expected to set a precedent?The manipulator in me would say - get the parents to say outright and out loud "We do not want him invited".  That way, if she gets upset about it, you can deflect her anger to them, not you.
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    edited December 2011
    If you're inviting others with guests that aren't married, then I'd invite him too - BUT obviously talk to your in laws first.  I wouldn't step on any toes in this situation.  I don't see why they REALLY care though anyway.  it's not THEIR wedding, so it shouldn't matter to them if he's coming or not.  good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    they live together therefore i think he should be invited.  are you i;'s pay for their guests?  if not, then i would invite him.  if they are, they i would talk to them.
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    edited December 2011
    I must have missed the part where they live together... I also think Erika has a point. If they're paying for their guests, well they don't want him there for whatever reason, and I think you should respect that or at least pry further. I guess it comes down to do YOU (and your FI) want him there? If she is a whiney 18 yo brat who gets whatever she wants and will complain, on one hand I wouldn't want to just give in, but I also wouldn't want her looking all pouty in my pictures. LOL In my FI's cousins' case, when all 3 of them (they're sisters) are together, they're fine. When the one's bf is there, she goes off with him and the other 2 sulk b/c they don't like the bf.
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    edited December 2011
    why do you have to discuss this with your FIL's, it is your wedding, invite the guy.
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    edited December 2011
    brad~ if seabass' fil's are paying for their guest, then that would be _fucked up.
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    edited December 2011
    erika, I dont get the whole parents are paying so it is the parents guestlist, it is your wedding, if parents want to help fine, but they dont pick the guests, the bride and groom do.  I have heard of weddings where it is like 25% plus the father's golf buddies and business associates, which I think it wrong Seabass, how do you expect this guy in integrate into the family if no one ever invites him to family events?
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    FutureMrsF111FutureMrsF111 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you are allowing all other BMs and GMs to bring guests I would say he should be invited. If most of your BP is not bringing a guest or you made the cutoff at married for their SO to be invited then dont invite. Either way FI should talk to his parents and his sister and this should not be something you need to stress about. FWIW I am inviting everyone over 18 with a guest but we dont have anything close to a similar issue. There are only 3 single people on our list other than FI's niece and nephews (who are under 18) so the extra 3 people did not seem like a big deal.  If most of our friends were single we probably would not invite any of them with guests.
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    edited December 2011
    They don't live together. FILs aren't paying. And he has been invited to other events he just doesn't interact/talk to anyone when he's there. Regardless the right thing to do would be to invite him, but I'm just not sure it's a battle I want to fight with FILs. And no they don't have final say over our guest list but I don't plan on paying for this kids hotel room, or plan on worrying about how he's going to get here from MD (i don't think he drives), or figuring out what he should be doing while everyone else is getting ready, taking pics, etc. That's all stuff FIL's would have to worry about and they've already made it clear that that's not something they want to do.
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    edited December 2011
    i obviously totally disagree with you brad.  if the il's are paying for their side of the familes guest, i def think they have a say of who can and cannot be invited. your wedding or not, unless you are footing the bill, then i think your parents have a say.
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    edited December 2011
    ok erika, so if you father in law was "paying for his guests", you would be ok with him inviting 30 of his business associates that you have never met to your wedding?which I dont get, you are either contributing or not, I am not sure where the "paying for guests" thing came from.  You want to help us pay for the reception great, not sure how that turned into I am paying for certain guests so I can invite certain guests. 
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    edited December 2011
    would i be happy no, but since they are footing the bill, then they could invite whoever they want.  and yes, they had a ton of guests we did not know.  it is what it is. 
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